would you like a proofreader

id love to help

"Spike said, handing Teilight the letter before walking out the door."

                                ^Twilight^

that 1 shouted at me

I'm very interested to see where this is going. Good start so far, and I can't wait to read more!

Well, it seems interesting enough to track, but it really isn't long enough to make any serious review of the story, not that I would be the right person to do one either. I'll have to wait for further chapters before voicing any opinion.

This could definitely go places.  Will track.

I'm pretty certain I know where this is going, but I'm going to read it nonetheless.  Good work on the first chapter, though, however short it may be

Probably one of the  "Twilight is Celestia's Daughter" fics, will be interesting to what you do with it, or what it really is.

Very intriguing story, my good sir. I shall be watching with examining eyes. Closely.

Interesting so far, if a bit short...

Let's see where this goes.  

I REQUEST TO BREATH THE2CHAPTER PLEASE AAAAHHHH

Now it may be just me, but Twi seems a little out of character, she just seemed a little more rude than usual, maybe because it was morning and she just woke up or something but in all other prospects, this is pretty good so far.

>>11618441161844

Try not to spoil your own story, I've seen too many good stories get ruined that way.

>>11618161161816

I like it so far, update soon please!

I predict this will get featured, at the very least for half a day or so. Assuming the mega-popular fanfics of the site don't all update out of the blue at once, of course.

And to help it get to that coveted box in the upper right of the screen, have my thumbs (up).

Potential story you have here. Love it!

Really like it so far. Nothing noticeable grammar wise to me, though I wasn't looking too hard. Guess they'd have been picked out already though.

This could be good. Can't wait to see where it goes

fav & liked

mmmh hope to read soon a new chapter, this story got potential :)

Well! I'll be keeping an eye on THIS one.

Very well done, good sir.

With that Indiana Jones joke, that is.

What, the story? Oh, it was okay.

featured box already?

The was a screech out side and a knocking on the door. A glance out the window by Twilight confirmed the carriage was already here.

There

outside

Ok, I'm really curious about how a story in which nothing plot-relevant has occurred gets featured.  The opening chapter was so short, how can anyone know if they're going to like it or not?  So far, the opening is very similar to numerous ship fics involving Twilight and one of the Princesses: some random things happen in Ponyville and then Twilight suddenly gets invited to Canterlot.

I'm really starting to find this rating system highly arbitrary and illogical.

"In here. I found this new book called 'Daring Do and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." Spike showed the cover to twilight as he came down the stairs. "It's really weird though. The dialogue just doesn't fit the characters. It's as if the author just took another book and just changed all of the characters names."

"Okay...," Twilight said walking into the kitchen. "Anyway, we're out of gems...

Sorry, but this doesn't work at all. If you're going to make a reference like this, you need to do it without interrupting the flow of the story.

As is it takes the story off in a different direction, then runs it into a brick wall with "LOOK I MADE A REFERENCE" emblazoned on it.

I Like it!

>>11634171163417

I was thinking the same thing.

I mean,wha?

I never understand why Twilight takes carriages. Couldn't she just use magic to teleport?

>Thinks it's a [sad] Twilestia.

>Notices no [romance] tag.

Hmm, perhaps a "Twilight is Celestia's daughter" story?

>>11624891162489

It appears you called it correctly.  

The part with reading the letter was a little unclear... It was difficult to distinguish between the letter and the comments. Otherwise, not bad.

you know, if you need a proofreader, I'd be willing to help you out. I've got nothing to do unless I get that college course, so I'm free to help you whenever.

Reminds me of the MLP/Portal crossover video that has Celestia saying Twilight was adopted and then her parents nodding. Oh, here it is:

Clearly this is a twilight is luna's long lost foal that was put in stasis for a 1000 years until pony science could save her after her mother went mad with grief fic.

Seriously though this looks decent, although your twilight seems somewhat nonchalant, doesn't she normally freak out about literally anything remotely connected to Celestia?

i want MOAR! i  mean if thats okay with you

I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's (yet) another "Tia loves Twi" story, but nowhere near the docks.  Wait for it...

Nobody puts "love" at the end of a letter just to troll someone.  Well, maybe almost nobody...

No grievous grammar or spelling problems; those usually stop me like a lead wall across the highway.

you want feedback? Here it is, MOAR!

Cooliofir135

Image: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9be0khLb11roawr8o2_250.gif

Pinkie's trying to figure out which way this story's going. I'll track it for her sake.

I don't see a romance tag... so...

>>11648881164888 No Romance tag.

I'll add it to my favs, but I won't rate it until I see Chapter 2 and understand what is going on.

>>11638451163845 That's what I was thinking.

Tracked this story, I wanna see where you go with this.

My body is ready.

My goodness this is short. But, I expect moar in the future so... no worries.

Make longer chapters plz!

Pros: Shows promise, will track and fave for now, just be sure to proofread for any errors and all.

looking forward to what come next.

Cons: Another "Twilight is Celestia's or Luna's daughter story?"

In all honesty, it's not a bad idea when one thinks about it (it might be actually become canon one day, for all we know), it's just that there are already a bunch of them out there.

OFF TOPIC:...... Yeah, you know what, time for something original; SPOILER ALERT: going to start a "Twilight is Cadence's and Shinning Armor's daughter" story and see where it goes.

>>11660231166023

Shinning? You've been watching the Simpsons too much.

Also, that would be disturbing seeing as Twilight is Shining's SISTER. You know what that would imply, right?

Go on...

One chapter, recently posted, and it got to the first spot in the Featured Box. How the hell is the author so lucky?

"You're sure it's luck?"

I'm saying it's luck because I don't want to feel like I'm horrible at timing my submissions or at writing.

>>11661641166164 you realize that could have been a cover right, I have heard a few stories where the sibling was actually the parent, and the parents were actually the Grandparents

>>11663991166399

....The hell? Where in God's name did you hear THAT?

>>11661641166164 First of all: Like I said in my last post, making Shinning being Twilight's big brother (and Cadence her foalsitter) is part of a coverup to hide the truth to avoid humiliation and public shame. Twilight's supposed parents (or rather her grandparents) either don't known (probably adopted her form foal services or something) or are in on the coverup for same reasons (haven't decided which approach to use yet). Also, not even Twilight knows.....yet.

Second: I'm assuming that due to healthy lifestyles (eating right, exercise, etc) Cadence and Shinning Armor are actually older than they look by a couple of years at least, maybe a little more. For example, what we thought of to be Cadence's and Shinning Armor's teen years in those flashbacks on S2 Ep 25, the two were actually in their young adult/college years. It would most likely be during their high school junior/senior years that the two would meet, become friends, most likely first become an item; then go to some party one night, have too much cider and.......oops.

Third: if you were implying teen-pregnancy in your post.....yeah, I don't like it either (people should learn to wait until they're old enough), but for this proposed story, it's a necessary evil.

Controversy is how you get noticed these days. It won't require a dark tag, but may need a mature tag (as well as one for romance, slice of life, etc).

Forth:

....The hell? Where in God's name did you hear THAT?

You'd be surprised by what you learn about. the catch is to separate fact from fiction.

And finally: What would you prefer?, yet another "Celestia is Twilight's mother" story?; I did consider that idea for a while, before becoming aware of how many of such are already out there, enough to make readers complain about them. Best to try something original.

@BronyInDenial: sorry to drag this on, will stop now.

Ooooooooooo.........MOAR!!!!!

Short! Great otherwise.

>>11664771166477 I can't remember where exactly I heard it, but I remember that bit of information from it

I'm baffled as to how this story got as many likes as it has

No offense to you or anything, but the pacing is shot to hell, you switch tense every so often and some of the character actions are hard to visualize if not outright strange...

Oh well...

"Never underestimate the power of ......" ~Homer Simpson

Quick note: don't use numerals in your narration! Is bad for you. Like, terminally so.

Okay, so, I made it a third into it-ish. You have... the idea of the characters? But it feels like you're trying too hard, and going off of their extremes instead of letting them be themselves. Partially caused by the fact it's a bit rushed, but it's rushed because you're trying to use as much of their extremes as you can to keep them 'in character'... hum.

I dunno what to tell you. Definitely note the numeral bit though. One hundred forty-three > 143.

Well cool story and all, but not only does the Pinkie scene seem fairly unimportant, and just thrown in for length, but it also seems unlikely that Pinkie Pie would be embarrassed about a messed up mane do. Other than that though great start, and I look forward to seeing where it goes, although I think I will hold my thumb for a few more chapters.

Was the jab at crystal skull really necessary? Not only does it stick out like an orange tree in Sweet Apple Acres, but the movie wasn't that bad. As a believer in Ancient Astronaught theory, I can respect a movie that will use it as the center of their story.

The pacing is too fast to my liking.

MOAR is only word i can say

>>11648811164881

Thats my line...

>>11635141163514

Also known as a non sequitur  - or a literary device to intentionally break the flow of the story.

I don't personally think this is an appropriate use, but something that breaks the story flow and makes you think of something entirely irrelevant is not necessarily a mistake.

>>11638031163803 It depends on how powerful the author wants to make Twilight, longer distance teleportation typically takes more power. It's like the difference between throwing a ball a few hundred yards away and throwing it to the next state.

Now for my comments on the story - The Pinkie bit may not have been directly relevant to the plot, as some commentators are saying, but it shows a "day in the life of Twilight", thus I see it as valuable. I'm not sure I like the Indiana Jones reference, but many will get a kick out of it. I like that you included the first story transition in the opening sequence, it keeps us interested and shows that you have a story to tell.

The characters are all in character (never pictured Pinkie as vain, but you make it work ) and I don't see any major grammar errors. Or you just fixed them already.

tl;dr version - You have our attention, Now comes the hard part of keeping it!

Here's the general idea for my feedback: Awesome story, keep writing it. Now, when's the next chapter?

Interesting story you have here and I can't wait to read more.

Make sure you watch pacing though, it almost feels like you're rushing, but that's probably a consequence of having so much dialogue: you can slow down what feels like rushing by describing more of what's physically happening, but at the same time, don't overpopulate the page with nonsense actions that slow it down to the point of becoming boring---->balance is difficult but extremely important, so if you can get it: all the better.  

Just remember that if you want us to feel Twilight's, seemingly, average morning shenanigans, it's okay to make it casual and slow-ish, and when Twilight gets that important letter, begin speeding things up (but not too choppy) so that we can feel that sense of urgency.

Otherwise please continue

i like it very mysterious  i hope you make a new chapter soon

It's difficult to provide criticism with just one chapter but make sure that the dialog and writing are fluent. Envision how two characters are talking and compare that with what you wrote. If it seems off at all just fix it.

A story where Twilight receives an odd letter from Celestia and doesn't go into OCD panic mode? Impossible

Twilight, do you think that Discord is back." - Question mark at end?

"Arisen" - I believe this needs punctuation.

important?", Twilight - extra comma

"Well, what does it say," Twilight said, - The sentence inside the quotation marks needs a question mark.

"Why can't you tell me now though?", - Extra comma at end.

Seems like a nice story so far.  Will be watching

And if you want an editor, I'm always available :)

>>11617701161770

In my opinion, those fics can get very unoriginal, so I hope the author does something else other than that, cause I've seen it a hundred times already.

>>11692531169253

At this point what shipping, x is y of z , war breaks out, Solar Empire vs Lunar Republic , etc. is original?

Hard to find that nowdays in such a big fandom.

>>11619521161952

Ok start, but you have some pacing issues that need to be addressed. Namely: too fast, slow down, explain a little bit. You jump so quickly in the first scene and offer no insight, no character reactions, no time to digest. I know you wanted to convey urgency but that can be accomplished without glossing over details or jumping straight to dialogue.

Just sayin', if you would want to have a proofreader, I'd love to help.

Idunno. Nothing to do, something would occupy my boredom.

AND

Usually Luna says herself as "we" instead of "I"

Let me guess- Celestia is dying (hence the Sad tag), and Twilight is going to become the next alicorn princess (the process of which is the Slice of Life tag)

Oh, the cliffhanger!

Image: http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/211/7/4/mlp___cliff_hanger_by_omgklint-d58zyv6.jpg

Ooo, the cliffhanger leaves me wanting more. This story has great potential, so I'm stoked to see how it will turn out.

>>11699351169935 But she only does that to show her dominance, right? Protocol demands that she use things like the Royal Canterlot Voice, and 'we' instead of 'I', but when she's around her sister, what is there to prove?

...continue.

Is there a chapter 2?

Why I would love to give feedback!

....

IF SOMETHING HAPPENED!!!

>>11665341166534

I don't know what you mean by 'teen' in reference to teen pregnancy, but readiness of the sort that one needs is not necessarily on account of physical age. From what I understand, people are able to biologically reproduce naturally and normally at probably 15 or 16. Those biological impulses aren't generally misfires.

Just because our society thinks otherwise (and acts and legislates otherwise) does not make it impossible, wrong, or unnatural (just the cause thereof illegal). Lacking emotional and intellectual maturity is a different story altogether and likely depends both on the person in question and their upbringing. I'm not suggesting that people should, I just disagree with a flat out it's not right kind of thing.

Anyway, I digress, mostly off-topic anyway.

In any case, this is an acceptable lead in, but I do concur with the notion that Twilight seems a tad off character wise. The story seems a little rushed to get to the first plot arc, I think it could use a tad more filler in that regard.

I would be more than happy to proofread/preread for you. Message me here and I'll send you my credentials.

And if you don't take me up on that offer, at least make sure your tenses are consistent. Pacing will settle itself, and better blending will ameliorate blatant references, but tense issues (and perhaps some other nitpicks) need to be noticed to be corrected.

Has anyone written a fanfic where Celestia says....

"I needed the Bearer of the Element of Magic

to restore Luna's sanity. I've spent the last thousand years

arranging your ancestors' marriages so you would be born."

????

I'm interested to see where this goes, but given that the title is "Dusk" I'm feeling pretty certain that the death (and maybe rebirth/"dawn") of Celestia is on the agenda.

>>11732351173235

As fond as I am of Chessmaster Celestia, taking things that far goes to a kind of creepy place.

Hmmm. You have peaked my curiosity.

Finally a story that does not have romance, sex, random nonsense and so on. Few problems, I know that the beginning was used as a way to transition the story but it was confusing? it was out of nowhere.

Second: it felt rushed and not enough involving the serious tone of what you are saying.

Third: you basically retold what you said in the description with added dialogue. It really doesn't explain what we already know.

Anyway...I will favorite it...because it is easier than searching throught the list Yuki out

I would try and make the next chapters longer, and more detail. detail is always a great tool to have and use!

You're... going to write more, aren't you?

Hmmm, will fave and email update, but will wait to watch and upvote until I see more of this admittedly fair-par story.

Continue plz?

I WANT MOAR!!!!!

Ack. 3 days? You update like a snail.

Doesn't help that nothing meaningful happened in this chapter...

>>11615011161501

It caught my attention too, but if I were editing this I'd leave it. It's half-right since Spike does technically have hands.

Author,

I'm detecting this quote--->    "It's really weird though. The dialogue just doesn't fit the characters. It's as if the author just took another book and just changed all of the characters names."

...Is a reference to something else?

How did you manage to get almost 400 likes, with 1k words?

I mean i would understand if you have other Stories with many likes, but you don't.

I can't tell if this is going to be good yet. I agree with others who have commented about how it's odd that this has a large amount of likes for such few words. Nothing has really even happened yet.

I'm waiting until the next chapter to rate this.

>>11882491188249 What he said.

great... another addicting fan fic.... i love it!!!!!! looking forward for more

5 moustaches for you