A female protagonist, that's rare. But I can't say the same for the Manticore encounter.  

What the hell is with the hate already?Whats wrong with you guys?!This has amazing potental!

>>11572441157244

I was thinking that the first encounter should be a cockatrice, but I found turning to stone wasn't what I was looking for.

The manticore encounter may not be very original, but it suited my needs to the letter so I went for it. Sometimes one just has to think, "If it aint broke, don't fix it."

Ya know what, this is pretty good. Needs some commas here and there, and some indenting that needs to be fixed, but the actual plot is pretty good.

>>11574271157427

I know what you are talking about and I have decided that any paragraphs starting with dialogue won't be indented. I have been told in the past that my writing style can sometimes make it difficult to find character speech. In this way, the speech stands out in a non obtrusive way.

More.This is very good!Track,like,and fav'd!

>>11574371157437 Okay, your writing is your writing, I'm just informing you on some grammatical issues. You can say that they're more like suggestions, but what do I know.

Image: http://derpy.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/134282941129.png

>>11574681157468

Oh absolutely! I was not saying your suggestions weren't valid in the least!

I thank you for bringing it up to me and I will certainly endeavor to fix it. I was simply explaining it to you in case you thought me a total foal.

>>11574671157467

Thank you very much! I will try not to let you down!

>>11574931157493If you want to let me down you would have to take away my laptop AND my internet connection!

Very good potential!

Image: http://cdn.walyou.com/wp-content/uploads//2012/03/Obama-not-bad-meme.jpg

I shall read on

>>11574161157416 Well I'd venture a guess that there's more then just Manitcores' Cockatrice, and Timberwolves living out there. I'm not actually complaining about the Manitcore, I just don't get why people always resort to one of these three monsters. You could potentially use any beast from Greek mythology and it would fit. Even the world of harry potter has some interesting creatures that wouldn't be out of place to use. Well that's my two bits anyway.

And if you don't mind me asking, but who exactly will be putting that romance tag to use in this?

>>11575801157580

I am afraid I can't reveal that just yet.

As for the manticore, you are correct. Making up a new creature or using one in myth would be perfectly ok, however I wanted a sense of familiarity. The manticore was my way of telling people Krysta was in the everfree forest without outright saying it.

Ok

>>11572441157244 Sorry, but I must correct you, a "Female Protagonist" is known as a "Heroine" (not heroin) and are quite often used.

For you readers who like to read the comments first, this is a spoiler comment! Be warned!

The description was attention grabbing, and the introduction was spotless.

However, The story seemed to take a dramatic increase in pace after Krysta was assaulted. One event lead to another quicker than it should have.

Furthermore, no explanation was made as to how Zecora knew that Krysta was intelligent, and therefore, worth saving. After all, a completely naked human could appear to be an animal to those unfamiliar with them.

You have turned me off, but I'm certain this fan-fiction can shine with more work.

Keep calm, and brony on!

Why hasn't this been featured? It totally deserves it.

>>11578131157813

You make very valid points and I applaud you for speaking them without being simply negative about it.

However I am a little disappointed that you say you were turned off by it, so allow me to explain and hopefully give you something good to take from it.

The speed of this chapter was intentional. Not only for the sake of keeping interest but for the rules of the site. Any new story MUST have solid evidence that it is about ponies. My original chapter was simply her in the first part with the bandits. With the rules of the site however, I needed to put something pony in it in order for it to be approved.

The last bit at the end was simply my ticket into getting it posted. Trust me in the fact that it will be explained next chapter as to why Zecora did it.

Other than that, thank you for your kind words and compliments. I have been planning this story for a long time. To see it start to materialize and get such feedback gives me that warm fuzzy feeling.

I'm so sorry, but I cant resist... 50 right?

>>11579551157955

Beg pardon?

I don't understand.

It's a reference to 50 Shade of Grey

It's a horrible book from what I have heard

>>11578581157858

You are very much welcome, but, if you will allow me, I would like to give you some future advice:

Don't strap on pony content to the first chapter just because you need it, but rather, work it into the first chapter.

Pace your plot points, and don't be afraid of longer chapters: "Background Pony" has chapters in excess of 26 THOUSAND words, yet remains popular because of good writing.

You're a pretty good writer, so don't be afraid of making your chapters a bit longer so you can say what needs to be said in this fan fiction. I don't believe longer chapters would be detrimental to it!

Peace out, brony!

>>11579891157989

Ooohhhhh. No, not at all. I wasn't aware there was such a story in fact. I got the idea from a friend of mine, as it gives hint at the contrasts we will see in the story.

It's just a title similarity

>>11579991157999

Thank you very much for the encouragement and advice! It helps out quite a bit.

I do however promise you that later chapters will absolutely be as long or as short as they have to. You can count on that.

Interesting story... also...

Image: http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/demotivational-posters-this-is-shades-of-grey.jpg

>>11580111158011

You are welcome.

I also believe you have encouraged me to stick around for Chapter 2, at least.

Wow! But I didnt like the beginning very much because I want to rip those idiots skulls in two

>>11580531158053

That makes me glad! I am finishing it up as we speak. Though not all of my updates will be this quick, I can't stand leaving readers with a cliff hanger for too long.

Not since Pirates of the Caribbean 2.

the horrors....

shades of gray... shades of gray... 50 shades of gray

>>11578131157813

One thought came to mind about the Zecora saving the human thing. The story says "... the strange creature...", and it's written as though this is what Zecora was thinking. If the creature really was strange, then surely Zecora, of all people, would want to get to know more about it (her)?

>>11580001158000 50 shades of grey is most noted for being paperback porn. Honestly, I thought this was a clopfic before reading the description because of the name.

>>11581631158163

Oh dear...perhaps I should change the title. I wasn't aware of that.

>>11581111158111

Yes, but the urge to rescue, so as to learn about a "creature" seems to fit more along Twilight's behavior to me, and not Zecora's.

Zecora does not strike me as a biologist, but more like an herbal scientist.

This is okay, however: Zecora's behavior is open to interpretation.

>>11581631158163 most of us did

Title change due to some unfortunate misunderstandings.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

>>11582721158272 Not bad. I haven't read this, but may I suggest 'Greyshade' or something along those lines

NOOO!!!! CHANGE IT BACK

>>11582721158272

what about "50 shades of friendship"

>>11581811158181 good idea. The new title is much better.

>>11584031158403

Well I don't really want to reference a porn book.

>>11584401158440 I COMMANDETH YOU!!!!

>>11585271158527

Ummmm....I gotta go...

*Exits stage left*

>>11582721158272

That should avoid some issues   I'd suggest losing the period though, doesn't really belong in a title.

New chapter up! I hope this one tickles your fancies~

I had a blast writing it.

the kinda-rape sceen was unnessicary but oh well.

PLease tell me there going to brake the lauge barrier soon I hate it when theres lauge barriers.

I'm liking this idea, but seriously watched your people being murdered I would have laughed my ass off.

>>11596921159692

Eh?

The language barrier?

>>11598591159859 yes sorry I washaving a mental brain meltdown

PLease do make more

>>11599831159983

I'd have to agree. It makes a story unnecessarily convoluted when the characters can't communicate.

Is it just a spur of confusion, or can they really not understand each other?

Alright... You've hooked me!

This chapter was extremely well written, and the emotions were quite realistic. I found Fluttershy to be slightly out of character in her bravery, but I suppose I could chalk that up to necessity/strong empathy.

It's good to see you've taken my advice: 4,000+ well written words (minus a few grammatical errors) that explained what the first chapter couldn't in a nice, slow pace. Way to go!

Have a microscopic cheer for your monumental achievement.

Now, I think it's fitting to quote those highly respected on the internet in saying: MOAR

(By which I mean, please continue. I would love to see where this goes!)

>>11617871161787

Thank you very much! I am flattered, and happy that you found it enjoyable.

As for fluttershy, I based her reactions on her manticore encounter. She was incredibly brave there as well, in hopes of showing kindness.

I can only hope I captured it correctly.

I am impressed. I love it. Please, do write more. I would very much like to see what happens.

Also, I sort of got confused a bit - is Krysta naked?

>>11632631163263

Yes she is. Nothing that wasn't part of her body came with her.

I for one am glad that there is a language barrier. It makes for a far more realistic story, as it doesn't make much sense that an entirely different world, planet and species would speak the exact same language as humans on earth do. I hope that it won't be solved with something like a translation spell or something, that would be kind of cheap. Of course, I'm not the author, so it's not up to me to decide. That aside, quite a wonderful story you have going here so far. Seems a more realistic take on the "human in equestria" concept where our human doesn't immediatly befriend all of Ponyville.

>>11635241163524

Ah, thanks! Will be hanging around, stalking in an inconspicuous way. Toodaloo!

oh god not the dreaded BATH!!!

But she wants to be covered in dirt  

Don't tell me:

Language barrier?

Excuse me while I go vomit my intestines into a trash can.

>>11769761176976

I am sorry for your intestines. I am just trying to make it as realistic as possible. No harm to organs was intended.

>>11772581177258 Realistically, the language barrier can be a massive flop, or an amazing twist. Sorry for my rude comment, I just have yet to find a story that can pull off the latter of the two...

>>11792231179223

Oh I agree. I have seen it all too often.

I am not so much using it as a twist as much as a bit of realism in the story. Though I believe it has some humorous moments, as you can tell this is not a happy story about everything turning out for the best so far. The language barrier is just a reminder to the readers and characters that, this is a tough situation and it will take some real work getting through.

You know what I mean?

There will be some very very minor changes to the current chapters. You know, things like grammar errors and what not!

Hope you all like the prettied up version a bit better.

Well, I have a bit of a weak spot for HiEs, especially ones with female protagonists, since I happen to be a female human.

After reading through what you've got so far, I like the premise, and the characterization is solid. (It's nice to see a HiE where the human doesn't immediately flaunt brony knowledge, or become instant best friends forever with all the main six and the princesses, or is given ludicrous superpowers. )

My advice is to slow down. I'm not talking Tolkein level slow-- no one wants to read 50 pages about an uneventful stroll through Whitetail Wood in which nothing interesting happens-- but you're not fully utilizing your writer's toolkit. You have !?,.-/:;()--' and "" all at your disposal; use them! And I could go on and on about your bridge words, like however, thus, therefore, because, and all the other ones you can look up on google if you want them because I'm too lazy to list them all here. Your table's solid, it just needs a bit of varnish. (Metaphorically speaking.)

Then again, if you don't want to bother with all that you could probably shout out for an editor. That'd help a lot.

>>11904331190433

Thank you very much for your input and kind comments! I am actually working on the current chapters as we speak in order to make them cleaner and more enjoyable to read!

As for an editor, I would very much like to find a willing person to do so. It never occured to me to ask here.

>>11907011190701

Try making a blog post asking for one. I'm not sure how to do it, but there's a way that you can make it notify all of your readers. Or you could add an author's note at the end of your next chapter asking for one. (since an update automatically notifies all of the trackers anyway.)

>>11930521193052

Clever idea! I will do just that! Thank you very much.

This might seem a little silly and rushed, but before I do that I feel like asking couldnt hurt. Would you be open and willing to become an editor? Your literary knowledge would be a fantastic help.

>>11930651193065

Well...

I'd be lying if I said I didn't consider doing just that. I do love getting my claws into a work and tearing it to pieces.

But the honest truth is that it wouldn't work out long-term. The only computer I have regular access to is this iPad, which just isn't a good machine for editing anything longer than this comment. It has a very small window and is prone to AutoCorrect mishaps. I have to type up all of my projects on a computer at school... which wouldn't work for this, since Lightspeed (the school filter) thinks that FimFiction is porn. The only feasible way it could work is if I took it to school and edited it in my study hall on a Google Document we both had access to, but then it would take forever since I'd only be able to work on it after I finished my homework.

So, in short, sure! I just can't be your top editor if you want any sort of consistent timetable.

Maybe Twilight could find a language translating spell.

Hmm. Long and laborious learning of the native language? Or a clever spell by the princess to allow a sort of "universal translator"

Love it. Can't wait for more.

An interesting story you have here so far.  You could definitely use an editor to give it a good polishing, but aside from that I really like what you've got going here.  Keep up the god work .

>>12733881273388 a spell would be really helpful. Learning a new language like that would take quite some time

Excellent edit! You didn't do anything to the story length, but you still managed to make it seem naturally paced, and less rushed! (I believe the line between Krysta's arrival and her Manticore encounter helped a lot)

Making Krysta talk in the presence of Zecora really helps readers (or at least, me) get an idea of her reasoning behind her actions. Hearing something that sounds like talking is an important clue for her, isn't it? (I may just be guessing here. For all I know, you may not have edited this portion, and I've just forgotten about it.)

Also, did you do anything to the initial description of our perturbed protagonist, Krysta? For some reason, it seems improved to me, as though you changed your wording a little bit.

One problem, however...

"With a bone grinding halt Krysta's lithe form collapsed onto the forest floor, every fiber of her being screaming for relied."

Minor spelling error. I didn't notice it before, but it's nothing big. Easy fix.

That having been said, I declare this to be a successful fix!

Have a moustache (better than a regular mustache!) for your jolly good fix-up.

"Before Fluttershy could reach back into her bag however she was practically dragged into a large group hug by Big Macintosh who looked to be on the verge of sobbing himself right then and there."

I believe the term you are looking for is "bear hug".

This was an awesome chapter, all in all. Good job.

>>12762781276278 Thank you for the input and the heads up! It is very helpful!

Also, I did mean group hug as I intended Big Macintosh to drag ALL of them into it. I need to make that a little clearer it seems.

As for the description and the edits in the first chapter you are correct on all accounts.

I worked on my "show and tell" and gave it a more natural feel, allowing for a better understanding of Krysta as well as broader depth for the manticore encounter.

Thank you very much for not only noticing my work, but praising me for it. I worked hard on fixing it and hadn't written anything before it was done. It was pretty much what I had hoped for in the edit, so thank you for giving me that.

You are awesome~

*puts on her moustache*

i am really really enjoying this story. i really am not one to enjoy a HiE story but this one got me. Love it. Faved it. Thumbed it.

Very nice story, hoping to see more. Faved and Liked

I was searching through the story archives (not sure why, considering I have plenty in my read later list) when I came upon this story. I'm usually not fond of HiE stories, so I was about to pass this one by when I saw that human tag. I'm not entirely sure why I stayed and read the story. Perhaps it's because I noticed that you were the author, but I'm certainly glad I did read it. Very engrossing, the first chapter alone had me hooked! It's quite immersing, Krysta is fairly interesting as a main character, nobody seems to be OOC (in fact, the characterization is great!) and the pacing is also very good. I would read much more HiE stories if they were all written like this. I gotta give this A/5.

I don't feel posting an image is good enough for such a well written story, so I'll give you a like, a favorite and a watch... or a follow, since that's what they're calling it now. I sincerely hope you decide to write more.

And the plot thickens to the point of oatmeal.

>>20243542024354

Good or bad thing?

I say its good. And thank goodness this got updated I was worried this story had died.

i was worried that you stopped writing for this story. Glad to see it's still going

and were back glad to see this story update

yayyy update! seriously, great story mate.

Glad you updated this! I had to reread it to remember why I had this as a favorite!

I really like this story its a very unique one so far! I like how the language barrier makes for an interesting read and how you convey the emotions.

Can't wait for the next one!

“Parlez-vous fracais?” Krysta gave her a strange look, as did most others present. “No? Shame I do so love that language. Let us see.”

    “Sprechen Sie Deutsch? No? Kya apa hindi bolate haim? Not that either. Hmm.”

    “Hable usted espanol?”

    “Anata wa nihongo o hanasemasu ka?”

    ~Do you speak English?~

Going in order of what I think I know,

1st one. French

2nd one Dutch

3rd on. What is that language?

4th one. Spanish

5th one. Also, what is that language?

6th one. Ahh my favorite first language, English

But It is great for me to learn more than what I know. But amazing chapter, amazing.

>>20408372040837

Actually, it goes

1. French

2. German

3. Hindi

4. Spanish

5. Japanese

and finally English.

Ahhh! Why must you tease us so!

i love you. but i... i need more! oh god do i need more!

>>20411112041111

Fear not. More is exactly what you all are going to get. And soon too~

Well, howdy there, Fräulein. AS I've promised to you, I've reviewed The Gray Area. It's in three parts and totals up to about 7000k words, all dedicated to helping you. Here's the first part, with the others below it. Allons-y!

Ah, the language gap has been bridged. A bit. Now, what lore of humanity does this Equestria have? I look forward to finding out.

WHat happened to the romance tag? It needs romance!!!