NOTE: I, Bronyman1995, DID NOT write this. My younger brother, who is also a brony, wrote this by himself, and I'm doing him the favor of posting it here. Constructive criticizing is welcome, but remember, this is his first EVER story...so please be kind.
The rating is for action violence and language...the "Romance" tag is for the human characters.
Twilight Sparkle is a student under Princess Celestia who runs Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Filly's.
When Celestia hears news that Discord is looking for one called the Half-Blood Princess, Celestia assigns the Mane 6, Spike and Trixie to go find the Alicorn's Stone, a mystical object that may be able to defeat the evil Discord.
But when trying to escape some attackers, Twilight accidently teleports them to Earth. Now they must find a way to get home and stop Discord before he finds the Alicorn's Stone.
Obviously inspired by "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" by J.K. Rowling.
This is more of a parody of the "Harry Potter" franchise. No offense to any fans.
Sorry dude, but you should probably spell "Prologue" right (
) if you want people to read this.
Well, tell your bro that I officially welcome him to fimfiction. Who am I, you and he ask? I'm PonyManne215, a known Crossover writer and also, a critic. And this isn't my story, so that only means one thing. Prepare for analyzation.
You should have included the note, and the whole "First time story" bit at the end, or under my suggestion, not even have it. That aside, why? Because when people see this anywhere, the first thing to show up is a note saying some personal details they will 99.9999999% of the time not give a rat's ass about. They want to know the story, not your lives, sorry if I'm being cruel.
That is a horrible and misleading name. I'm sorry, but if I see Twilight's name, and the word, "Deathly Swallows", I'm going to assume clop and some ingestion on white liquid.
This is obviously a Crossover, why you no have proper tag?! The name, sexual innuendo aside, implies a Harry Potter influence. And the fact that you say "Half-Blood Prince". Come on, this is a Crossover. Even if you say so, this still needs the tag.
I just realized you spelled the chapter name wrong, LOL. And now that I've read the story, I can safely say, this needs grammar fixes, spelling, punctuation, and capitalization corrections. Oh, and Princess Celestia has yet to say "Yeah", and it's not likely from the character she has on the show. Plus, she is still the high authority of this story, so again, she wouldn't be using slang.
You've been criticized, welcome to Fimfiction, home of writers and homage to critics.
Sincerely,
Head Knight Michael, Critics of the Round Table.
It wasn't amazing, but nor was it terrible. My only question is this: why didn't your brother (if of course you are telling the truth in that your brother did write this) make his own account to post this story?
I'll read this later. Had to do a double take after seeing 'Deathly Swallows' though.
That kinda caught me off guard.
1165813 Well, my mother thought it would be better to post it here to save her the hassell of having to set up ANOTHER e-mail just to keep track of this...
1165768 FIXED!
1165807 Well, first of all, thank you for not raking my brother's story over the coals (yes...he actually did write this by himself) as for the weird name, he didn't know about the double meaning at the time, and he changed the name to avoid any weird innuendo jokes later..
1166038 Yeah, he didn't know about the double-meaning and neither did I at the time. Changed the name...
1170895
You're welcome. I'm glad that you can take constructive criticism without baa'wing like a child.
Seriously, though, I'm going to tag this using a tag I tag with frequently.
"Good Concept; Needs Work".
-Should be "permanently"
1221020 Thanks for pointing that out.
Soooo, I've noticed that some of the characters seem a little...out of character. It's still an interesting read, but tell your bro to be careful of that. Out-of-character-characters is one of the easiest ways to bomb a story.
1221070 He'd love to know who was acting out of character so he can fix it. Thanks for being nice about it!
1224127 I'll go back through it later tonight and find specific incidences.
1224127 Well then. Sorry I lied a little. I fell asleep on my music theory homework last night and have been pretty busy today. I just got back to my dorm...ugh. Anyway. Here it is:
-Trixie: After what happened in Season 1, you would think that she wouldn't want anything to do with Twilight and her friends, but here she is acting like there was never any conflict. Unless you can logically explain why, it's a tad out of character. Also, she is a very arrogant and boastful individual and has not shown such traits.
-Discord: Discord never seemed to be such a rage-filled being. Sure, a tad on the evil side, but not an angry evil (like Nightmare Moon). He was more a chaotic evil (oh, you don't say?), and never was particularly filled with rage.
-Zecora: Really? You broke her rhyme? WHY?! It's who she is. And even if you were to break her rhyme, it was so sudden and unnecessary.
-All the humans who've had contact with the ponies: I'm totally chill with the idea of having them stuck on Earth, but none of the humans seem overly shocked to see the group of ponies. Personally, I would absolutely flip out if a bunch of talking, pastel equines found themselves in my backyard (just using it as an example). The human characters hardly seem shocked.
-Ponies trapped on Earth: Basically the same thing as the above statement.
That's basically it so far. My advice for staying in character is to think about what kinds of situations the characters faced on the show and how they handled it there. Use those types of things to stay in character. OCs obviously have a greater range of variability, but once their personality is set you can't really change it unless you intend to redo the story. Tell your bro to keep it up, it's not bad at all. And I apologize if I ever sound harsh when I critique. I am not one to sugarcoat things. It's better that you know the entire problem so you can fix it entirely.
Keep calm and canter on. And feel free to drop me an email at tnuyum@gmail.com if you have any questions or need help with something. Or if you'd rather talk face-to-face add me on Skype (tnuyum as well).
-Brian
1232858 First of all:
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Thank you so very much for being so nice in your critique! My brother really appreciates it!
He says he indented Discord to more menacing than in the show.
He also didn't want Trixie to be a villain but more like Severus Snape.
He broke Zecora's rhyme for a joke. But don't worry, he'll fix any other instances...
1233391 Any time, mate. I want to see as many people flourish and produce the best possible work for the community. It especially helps that your brother has a basic understanding of the English language (American English specifically) and mostly knows the characters.
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!
Well, overall I enjoyed the story. Like you said, the ending felt a little rushed, but it wasn't bad. Keep at it, mate!
fc07.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/260/7/9/tnuyum_seal_of_approval_by_tnuyum-d5f2egf.jpg
1287987 Thanks. He hopes to write more in the future. Thanks for being nice about it!
So let me get this straight are you saying that this whole story was a combination of two books in the Harry Potter series. AWESOME!
Zecora and Spike's deaths felt unnecessary and out of place. The former was especially crazy because it was actually an accident, was a tad horrifying (sure, no details, but for those of us with more imagination, Zecora blinking once with fear on her face as her head rolls...), and was responded to with a witty one-liner.