Interesting idea... planning to read

This certainly has potential, from the description at least. I'll read it as soon's i can.

Hmm, not much to go on about where this story is going, but you've caught my interest.

Pretty good technically, though a word of advice: you might try breaking up the dialogue a bit with... well, pretty much anything that's not dialogue. Reading this was like a bunch of heads talking back and forth endlessly; it would have been nice to have a few more points of description of the characters, their reactions to various things (especially facial expressions), the scenery, etc.

Don't get me wrong, though! Your dialogue is great, and your sense for where you need to indicate who's speaking and where you can leave same out is 100% perfect (many writers seem to struggle with this, bogging down the story with unnecessary "he said, she said" or leaving the reader to struggle to understand who's speaking or, worse yet, both... in the same scene ), but you should really expand beyond that, because if your skill with dialogue is anything to go by, it could only make the story that much better.

>>11364031136403

I'll admit, I was technically rushing to get this first chapter out. I regret not holding it back and making improvements to it. But even if I did, it would be a little difficult to do so. Normally (on other fic sites) I get the usual "Liked it", "Great story!", etc. comments. It's hard to make improvements when you don't know what needs improving.

I am aware of the lack of descriptions. Normally it's due to me (and my limited vocabulary) feeling conflicted. Sometimes I think it's too much and making readers lose interest, other times I think I'm using the same words a little too much, and then there are the descriptions that just sound plain awkward.

Nevertheless, I'll take your words into consideration as I write Chapter 2

Very interesting and truly holds potential

Getting better; this chapter reads much easier with the breaks between each section of dialogue, but there's some ways to go yet. Specifically, there could be more about the characters as they're speaking. In this regard, the scene with Bon Bon, Vinyl, and Pinkie was great, but still could have been better. For example, as she said, “Ugh! Do you know how much time I spent working on that? Years, Pinkie!” what was Vinyl's body language like? Stomping? Throwing hooves up in exasperation? Putting a hoof to her forehead in recognition of defeat?

I'm still reading regardless; this is way to interesting already!

I hope this story gets feature box

This statement made Derpy suddenly swallow her food and grin with delight. “Dog!”

Somehow, I can't see Derpy saying that for some reason, but it was hilarious.

This is amazing story so far, I hope this story does get feature pretty soon

Octatroll.

Yet again another amazing chapter, can't wait until everything is unfolded

Good story as usual, but sadly this story doesn't get notice that much

She lived happily in a quiet, peaceful town working in her parents' bakery.

I think it should start off with this  "Once a pond of time, there was mare that lived happily in a quiet, peaceful town working in her parents' bakery." To me that make senses.

>>12037361203736

I was going for a continuation/transition from the previous sentence, but yeah, I realize it looks awkward...

Oh, and you do know the phrase is "Once upon a time", right?

>>12086691208669

Ya I miss spelled it. I was kinda of tired when I wrote it. How embarrassing

I can only say,...yeah that's about it

>>12302501230250

hm, didn't expect that my story would make someone go through an emotional train wreck

>>12313721231372

well actually im fairly new to this site...i was just messing around with the buttons...umm heh oops

CHAPTER 5 DISCALIMER:

I will honestly admit that I do not watch many Doctor Who episodes which obviously makes me unable to portray a David Tennant-like character properly. (And it's also why I treat the Doctor as his own character within the MLP:FiM universe rather than his real version) Most of this chapter's material involving the Doctor (The sonic screwdriver & telepathy) is technically an ass-pull based on what I read off the Doctor Who wiki.

>>12753981275398

Question? Are you fine with constructed criticism?

>>12781191278119

Yes, definitely. Please go ahead. I'll gladly accept negative comments too because, well, I'm tired of not getting any (or very little).

Well to tell you the truth this chapter wasn't one of your best.

1. As you said you couldn't portray the Doctor, its just didn't like how the Doctor was portray in this story. Recommend that you should do more research on the Doctor like watching the series(which is pretty awesome) or try reading the Doctor Whooves series by Loyal2Luna or Squeak-anon to give you the idea who the Doctor really is.

2. I think it was unnecessary to have battle scene with characters because the Doctor wouldn't  never consider of fighting head on and character don't seem much of a fighting type expect for Vinyl and Celestia's pet.

>>12800601280060

I'll acknowledge the Doctor's technical pacifism was blatantly absent in this portrayal. But technically this story's version of him is supposed to be his own character with no qualms against getting serious when the situation demands it. (In this case, the Changelings planning to capture thousands of ponies and feeding off them until the victims die as a result) He still won't resort to killing anyone though; he only broke the stalactites knowing Chrysalis could avoid them. At the most, I can retcon his fight scene so that he's exclusively defending himself from Chrysalis' attacks while trying to reason with her but ultimately fails and is forced to surrender.

As for the others fighting:

- Chrysalis was my personal choice. In my opinion, the show didn't really give much exposure about what she was capable of so there was room to expand. She's still a villain who overly relies on her minions to do her bidding, but she is also just as competent by herself provided she has absorbed enough love.

- Derpy and Octavia, I can't describe due to some of their reasons being part of their backstories. I planned on revealing Derpy's if I ever write the sequel to this story and Octavia's may or may not be explained towards the end of this story. But if you really need to know, I'll try keeping their long stories short:

Derpy was forced to make the decision between saving her husband or saving her daughter from death. After witnessing the horrifying results, she swore to continue on his legacy. Witnessing Philomena's apparent death reminded Derpy of the incident and triggered a violent rage inside her.

Octavia's outward personality is not how she originally behaved as a filly. She forced the calm and disciplined demeanor upon herself after embarrassing her father and accidentally ruining his chances at acquiring an important business position. Becoming a member of Canterlot's high society and essentially bringing noteworthiness to their family name was her way apologizing. Fighting with Chrysalis was just a perfect way of letting off steam after years of pretending to be the pony she wasn't (or at least finally showing the other side of her for a change).

>>12854481285448

That explain most of it and interesting back story, which I think you should put it some where in the story,but its sad that Dinky died though

>>12857801285780

Uh, I said Derpy's husband was dead, not Dinky. lol XD

Edit: Oh, whoops. I technically didn't specify who died in that first post, my bad.

>>12861211286121

No problems

Mrs. Heartstrings slapped Lyra with her hoof: something that could accidentally KO somepony.

>>15590981559098

Maybe she suddenly sprouted fingers and morphed her hoof into a palm

Now this much better

and loving the direction were this is going

Viable excuses accepted...I did 3/4 of those

Another great chapter and starting to see your version of Doctor coming to light,

but note that the Doctor never cry only when a companion dies or has terrible fate.

too long of a chapter for my liking