In the description it's should be its

This could go places.

Continue. Like+track

This has quite a bit of potential, and going from the cover art, I'm hoping this will be a twilacorn story.

Ok, I'm going to say this now. This has tons of grammar and spelling errors, way too many for me to actually count. I'm going to say this now: You're going to NEED a proofreader if you're going to continue this. Otherwise, the story's going to be harder to tell, and people aren't going to like it. This can go places, it just needs work.

See above comment.

Just a few grammar errors I will point out for you.

'With her eyes half closed and a heavy sigh, her miss adventures of the day'

It should be misadventures, it is a word.

'Cadence was smiling, Shining Armor was just looking happy.'

Did you mean 'looking just as happy?

'Celestia looked at her sister. She had to admit, she didn't saw her so excited from almost a year.'

I don't know what you were trying to say there.

'Such underhanded plays were below her, she knew, but she just didn't want to loose Twilight.'

Lose not Loose, common mistake.

'“I propose sister that we ended this meting. I will take my leave if there is nothing more to add.'

Meeting

That's it! Like the story so far!

Sorry if I came off a bit condescending, my teachers are very thorough if you will.

EDIT: I saw the comments above and your A/N, if you really are on no schedule I could be your proofreader if you want.

Great job! This really has some potential, keep it up! Also what pony in there right mind would dislike this?

Favorite+Like+I'm watching you, "insert creepy laugh here".

>>11391491139149 I agree. Reading this story I can see a lot of potential, but the spelling errors and grammar/punctuation/wording related errors are really holding this story back. Otherwise a solid prologue, I'd advise using Googledocs if you can't get a proofreader as it has a built-in spell checker which can be extremely helpful.

This is a very interesting story, but it is packed with grammar errors and typos. FreezeYoshi already put it best, so I won't beat you over the head with it any more. I look forward to see where this goes, but look into getting yourself an editor or at the very least a pro-reader.

I love the concept.

Who will protect equestria when Princess Celesita gets taken out? and Luna is asleep?

Twilight. She just needs a little more training.

Hopefully Celestia has shown Twily enough wisdom that she will be able to avoid the most obvious pitfalls of darker power. Hopefully she will be smart enough to ask for help to avoid the less obvious dangers as well.

>>11391491139149 >>11395001139500 Well, I put my faith into the OpenOffice built-in spell check for this chapter but seeing this I'm beginning to have doubts about it. Also, punctuation always wasn't my strong side when it came to grammar, as I tend to suggest myself after my native language which isn't English.

>>11392171139217 Thx, for pointing this out.

>>11407511140751 Most of the spelling errors are actually correct spellings of words, just not the word that should be used in context. Your errors are almost exclusively things like "tee" instead of "tea," or missing possessive modifiers (ex. Twilight vs Twilight's)

>>11416121141612 Hmm... I knew I forgot about something... It's been a while since I have written something longer in English.

thumbs up ,and track

ps: damm u grammar nazi

Dis gonna be gud. Looking forward to what happens next, but you do need a proofreader.

She felt indebted to the purple mare, now she had a chance to take care of that... and more.

*Looks at tags*

Dammit, no Twiluna!

A/N: Rating is set as such to be safe, updates may  be irregular. Tags will be added as the story progresses.

*Raises eyebrow*

Hope springs eternal.

beside spelling errors this is pretty nice

The poor grammar hurts what is otherwise a decent story.

>>11495971149597 It's being worked on and at the time of uploading next chapter, the prologue should have a more decent grammar (next chapter also).  

>>11496111149611

That's good. As long as you work on improving it, you will get better at it.

I look forward to reading more.

Also, I recommend improving the story description. People judge books by their cover, and the description is the most important part of your fic's cover. It's the difference between thousands of views and obscurity for many stories.

The writing has indeed improved. While there are still some mistakes, they're small and can very easily be fixed. Otherwise, this is getting interesting...

The writing has improved far beyond what I anticipated. And the story is enjoyable to read.

Drive. Intelligence. Creativity. (what i expect to be Luna's verdict about Twilight)

I also expect that Twilight knows far more offensive magic than she realizes. The spells she already know just need to be used .. Creatively ...to get full benefit.  (and maby a bit of malice)

>>11624201162420 >>11628101162810 Well, practice makes perfect as they say. Also having a proof reader (A Fox in Equestria) helped.

>>11631381163138 We shall see...

This was very well done, nice job! Also you might want to read Night's Favored Foal to get some inspiration, just a suggestion.

Yay good job

very nice tracking now see at the next update

Disappointed? NEVER!

i like were this story is going

So awesome! /)(\

I couldn't help but imagine Luna wearing Scarecrow's mask and saying "What do you fear?". Gun chapter, a little short but it was still good and we got Luna battling Twilight for training and science.

Why is everypony going off course?  Does this take place on a ship?  A plane?

>>11820511182051 Well maybe it's because I wrote the chapter listening to Batman Begins OST...  

>>11821021182102 Wait, what? I can't figure out what are you asking...

This could be interesting. I'll read it when I have a moment.

>>11822161182216

You keep using "off course" when you want "of course".

>>11837441183744 Ooooh... It's one of those things you don't notice until it's pointed out. Thx.   

>>11853941185394

Yup, and I was trying (read: failing) to be snarky about it

reminds me of Batman begins. although i see where Batman had to stop his mentor, i will see Luna have to face what she created. good story so far

This is a great concept and I'm sure you can do a lot with it, but there are quite a few errors. I found one in particular to be incredibly annoying, that being the lack of a period at the end of a sentence the characters said. Once again, great story! Looking forward to more.

First.

Anyways good chapter. It was really good and hopefully you come out with a new chapter soon.

Still interesting. now you writers need to stop post so late/early so i can sleep.

Very interesting!  I can't wait to see how this pans out!

Another thing, though.  This story was added to the Alicorn Twilight group.  Regardless of who added it, I must ask: will Twilight turn into an alicorn at any point in the story?  If not, it needs to be removed.  If so, and it won't be terribly spoiled to reveal that, I will move it into the Will Become Alicorn folder for now.  If you want to tell me the answer via PM to avoid spoiling it one way or another, that's fine.  Either way, please let me know as soon as possible so proper categorization can happen.  

Great chapter, I like Luna's description of Battle-magic and how it must be used. Poor Twilight, trying to juggle her friends and her new lessons. Looking forward to the next chapter.

Loved it! Keep em coming!

Image: http://i.qkme.me/7hr0.jpg

Keep up the good work. Can't wait to see what you have in mind for some spells.

I'm enjoying the storyline here, but your writing feels stilted and awkward in places. Also, you have a bad habit of running sentences without appropriate punctuation.

Your proofreader is consistently getting punctuation around quotation marks wrong, as well. Just a note.

>>12347771234777 Give me an example of the awkwardness and I will try to work on it.

>>12348341234834

I was going to ask if English was a second language for you, but didn't want to be rude.

Things that stand out to a casual inspection:

You use 'a bit <adjective>' right in front of a noun a lot, eg 'a bit sleepy Spike entered the room.' 'Bit' isn't used like that - when you use 'bit' to diminish an adjective like that, you put the whole structure after the noun, eg 'Spike was a bit sleepy.' When you want to use it with a noun-verb-noun structure like you did, you have two options - ditch the diminutive and use an adverb, eg 'Spike sleepily entered the room', or use a referring word to put the adjective after everything, eg 'Spike entered the room, looking a bit sleepy'.

A lot of wonky participle use. Incorrect tenses with 'has/had/have', 'The' used where 'That' could have been, that sort of thing.

As for generally feeling 'more natural' in English, my advice honestly would be to read more natural-English fiction and use that as a guide to phrasing things.

>>12348581234858 It would not be rude, it would be a valid question.

I'm still getting back to the level of skill I had around 3 years ago. Didn't have much occasions to use my English until now so it got rusty... But thank you for pointing this out.

Image: http://mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1619-a93Cs.jpg

I am greatly looking forward to more of this. The way you characterize Twilight is coming along quite well.

This is turning out good, the early favoring from me was a good choice.

Awww, they grow cold, and distant so fast...

Why isn't rarity snooping around and following Twilight, and maybe telling Celestia on Luna?

>>12430671243067 Don't tempt me... And read carefully the last sentence

>>12430971243097 Ah, TRIED to fall asleep. I see it now :P Next chapter pls?

Wow this chapter is great just like the rest of the story but the part of twilight becoming Luna's new  Commander of the Night Guard was not something I saw coming, but something tells me Celestia will not be happy about it can't wait for the next chapter.

>>12431191243119 I can imagine Celestia & Luna's argument.

Celestia: This is totally unacceptable

Luna: I don't see how, I need a guard captain after all

Celestia: You can't just steal a pony away from her life, especially my stu-

Luna: FORMER student, and I am not forcing her. She was offered the chance

Celestia: Neverthless I-

Luna: And another thing, if anyone is hogging Twilight it's you Celestia. You have her brother as the captain of your own guard but you can't part with Twilight.

*I'm not sure what happens next*

I want to read the next chapter right now.

I want to see Celestia's reaction. Like. Right now.

And her Brother's reaction. Like. Right now.

Badass Commander of the Night Guard Twilight Sparkle? Yes please!

Sure, she is straining her relationship with her friends, but I like seeing a strong and confident Twilight.

Curious to see what you mean by 'adventure' in this regard.

Keep up the good work!

So awesome

Somewhere along the road I see Luna and Twilight taking over Equestria, then the night will last forever! FOR THE NEW LUNAR REPUBLIC!

give me more!!!! :( This story is sooo awesome :D

And Here I was thinking there would be more time skips.

>>12526111252611 Oh there will be, but not yet and probably not that long as in Chapter 4... Or maybe...   

Can you smell it, the action it's so closeeeee

u must speed write NOW! need more story

Good chapter, the story is starting to move along a little. The writing quality did drop off a little as well though so you may want to keep an eye on that or run it by a pre-reader. Otherwise, keep it up!

Man this chapter is great the suspense is killing me and something tells me that things will not end well for the diamond dogs assuming if they survive their encounter with twilight.

I think Twilight will kill a diamond dog and  begin to suffer from the guilty

Don't you dare do anything to Applejack. I'll hurt you.

Hmm... I think Twilight will not be feeling guilty until well after this upcoming fight.  At this point, she's too into it.  Everything she asked for has been confirmed by that blood on Rarity's neck.

I can picture her walking through the Diamond Dog's camp with this playing:

>>12526861252686 Poor poor Diamond Dogs... They don't stand a chance

>>12535191253519 Kill one? I think she is going to mass murder most of them, and feel guilty, not cause she did it, but cause she did it and LIKED it.

LOL, cannot wait for Twilight's vengeance

Image: http://denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw5251-U_gon_getRAPED.gif

stupid D.Dogs, Twi's gunna hunt you down

At least she didn't say "and now, my young apprentice" like Palpatine.

Still has a few minor grammatical issues, such as:

"hers seat of power"

"an unicorn"

OK, I already did this last chapter with a couple of examples, but...

"too tiered"

"felling more relaxed"

...among others.

>>12571931257193 That's why before posting next chapter I will be rereading already posted chapters. I will be correcting mistakes if I spot them.

Whats next. I cant wait.

I love it. This exactly how I thought Twilight should be portrayed.

im liking how long till the next chapter?

My gosh, Twilight is descending down.

WooT! Half my theory is right! Now to see if she hates herself because she liked/didn't hate what she did!

>>11823491182349

Hey I remember you! Oh god have I learned from that alicorn fic a month or so ago.

Damn! Why not gore?

Why not have Twilight strip the flesh from their bones?

Crush their skulls under her hooves?

Have her split their thoughts open!

And have hear screaming how it is all for the blood god and the skullthrown?

And now this comes to mind:

>>12734301273430 Well... interesting connection you've made there

>>12734301273430

Funny,because Nicole Oliver and Peter New (Celestia and Big Mac) worked on that game.

>>12734541273454

Use a Psyker quote, see if someone gets it.

It'll be funny!

>>12734941273494 Well I've been playing with few movie references anyway Tonto the Trotter spotted one, but there are two more hidden across the story

>>12735261273526

Well that better be a yes then,Doll-face

Normally I'd make a "stay good, Twilight" comment, but it feels a little late...

Noticed a few typos:

>Appleloosa business won't end well

Tense confusion- should be "wouldn't"

>“Yes, beside he didn’t mind me ordering him around until now.

Yes. Besides, he didn't mind...

>buffaloe

buffalo

>As silently as she could moved forward,  walking as close to the walls as it was possible

As silently as she could she moved forward, walking as close to the walls as was possible

>a poll of crimson

A pool

the diamond dogs should have run when they had a chance. anyway good story keep it up. tho i do hope this becomes a good lesson for twilight so she doesn't go down the dark path the other apprentice followed. cheers

And then Twilight kicked their asses.

Great chapter, though you were a bit sparse with the fighting the diamond dogs thing. Not necessarily a bad thing, mind you as it was still interesting to read. Plus, considering the injured ponies down there Twilight would want to clean up rather quickly, I think.

>>12746461274646

What other apprentice, it was Luna! That's why Tia banned battle magic, it's way too easy to let it get to your head, and in the most powerful unicorns... It took the Elements of Harmony to break Luna's addiction to the magic/broken emotional state. And since Twi is the binding Element....

>>12754231275423 your right it was luna anyway hopefully twi's counseled better than the princess was.

Damn twilight, U scary

>>12753461275346 Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, ohmygosh... You, the author of probably the most awesome fic on this site imho, commented on my story!

The only thing that could make me more happy would be the next chapter of your story Evilpresident

Very interesting so far, but i really hope this version of Twighlight will turn into a dark yet just defender of the weak type instead of going unhinged like she does in so many fics. We got so many homicidal Twighlight fics already that i doubt i'd have time to even read them all

My say is to keep it classy and not go beyond the level of detail you used in this chapter to describe the fight scenes.  Gore for the sake of shock value just doesn't do anything for me.    

>>12788471278847

What he said, you managed to describe the battle without grossing everyone up and deserve some kudos for that.

I wish you made the Diamond Dogs die in an even more gruesome way. You know ripping limbs off or lighting them on fire, or maybe um ripping their ribs from there still breathing bodies. Yeah, that would have been better.