I could give it a shot, but correcting and explaining errors would be too much work for my schedule, allthough I could still edit the text and send you an improved version. Also keep in mind that allthough I've aced all my english courses, have several english speaking family members (primary language) and use english frequntly it's still my second language and a native speaker would be better. If no-one else offers their help then I'm at your service.

I can send you an improved version in a bit and if you need any help then just message me.

Well I'm a native speaker in english and I have done some proof reading and editing for my ex-girlfriend who is a starting author. Course the only promise I can give you is that I will get the job done at a relatively fast pace on the days I'm not working. Just so you know I don't view myself as a speed reader its just that when you have mostly read books over a extended course of your life you have a tendency to read faster than normal. Course to state this along with the grammar and spell check I will send some ideas for what you could do to improve or explain situations more. Writing isn't my forte so in all likelyhood I would leave adding the new additions to you. Course I can state this helping someone over a computer will be new. With my ex-girlfiend I had to read her tiny and mostly unclear handwriting. Still I have some experience with editing and not much with proof-reading storys so I can give it a shot if you feel llke giving me a chance. If not I don't blame you afterall your bound to find someone better at it than I am eventually.

Hm. Interesting concept; execution needs work. Since you say want help with this, I shall share my thoughts.

New speaker, new paragraph. Always. No exceptions.

You have way too much Random Capitalization. You need to capitalize the first word in a sentence, proper names, and the word "I" . . . and that's it. It looks like maybe you're using capitalization to add emphasis to certain words. Don't do that. Most words will be emphasized just fine by how the sentence flows, and if you really, really feel the need, use italics.

Way too many exclamation points; they make it look like you're shouting every line at me. As a general rule, exclamation points should only be used in dialogue, and only when the character who's speaking is actually yelling . . . and even then they're not always needed. You've also got multiple question marks, which just looks amateurish and silly, and too many commas at random locations, which makes it look like your characters are constantly pausing for breath in mid-line. Commas should occur when there's a natural pause in the sentence flow (like this one), or when a character's dialogue ends but the sentence continues (replacing a period).

You've italicized all the dialogue. This is unnecessary and confusing, as italics are normally used to add emphasis, or denote things like thoughts or foreign words. You've also bolded and capitalized words to add emphasis, which makes it look like the characters are screaming at the top of their lungs. If you don't italicize all the dialogue, you can use italics to add emphasis instead of bolding and caps.

Spelling errors throughout, such as "Twillight" for Twilight. A basic spellchecker would catch 90% of them, and a decent proofreader would catch the rest. There are also a few odd word choices and phrases, which are probably due to you being a non-native English speaker. Again, a second pair of eyes looking this over would catch most of these mistakes.

Keep to one tense. You seem to be writing in the past tense (had, did, was), but occasionally switch to the present tense (have, does, is) in the same line. This is very jarring.

Let's put it all together and show you what I mean. Here's a sample paragraph:

“Uh...okay...” Twillight did, what her Mentor said, even if she has no idea, why she should sit down. Then, Celestia sighed, before telling Twillight, whats going on. “Twillight, i´m afraid, that i must tell you, that your Brother is missing.” Immiediatly, Twillights Eyes widen and she would propably fall over, if she would not sit already! “WHAT? HOW? WHERE?” Celestia was forced to put her Hoof on Twillights Mouth, so that she can speak. “Twillight, calm down please. I tell you, where he was, as it happend. He was on a very importmant Recon Mission in the Mountains, on our Southern Border.” Twillight get Celestia´s Hoof from her Mouth. “But why? There is nothing!”

And here it is cleaned up:

“Uh...okay...” Twilight did what her mentor said, even if she had no idea why.

Celestia sighed before telling Twilight. “Twilight, I'm afraid that I must tell you that your brother is missing.”

Twilight's eyes widened and she would probably have fallen over if she was not sitting already “What? How? Where?”

Celestia put her hoof to Twilight's mouth so she could speak. “Twilight, calm down please. I will tell you where he was, as it happened. He was on a very important reconnaissance mission, in the mountains on our southern border.”

Twilight pushed Celestia's hoof from her mouth. “But why? There is nothing down there!”

Is it perfect? No, but it flows a lot better. I applied all the suggestions I gave you up above, deleted a few unnecessary words, and changed "recon" to "reconnaissance", as Celestia using slang in a situation like this feels very wrong.

Hope that helps. Feel free to PM me if you have questions or whatever. And keep writing! The only way to improve is practice!

I expected someone with better skills eventually. Thought it would at least take an hour or so. I have to say you are good at that. Course I also have to agree the story does have an interesting concept and as you said the only way to improve is to practice.

It seems a lot of more eligeble candidates have offered their help, I'll send you the bit I've done so far and you can use the parts you think sounds good.

It was fun trying to do a little editing, but I still have a lot to learn. I could always help out a little if you need some extra proofreaders or something, just send me a message.

First: Thank you all! I was positivly surprised, that this Story hit obviosly the right spot! I´m Happy, that not anyone hit direct the Dislike Button and give me a Chance!

>>13539801353980

Thanks for your offer. I have read just right now what you have send and i must say it was Good! Maybe i send you a PM, if i need more help!

>>13540221354022

I ´m Happy for every Help i could get. I would like it to give you the Chance!

>>13540361354036

Thanks, that will help me a lot! Well, i try not to capitalize words. But it is a bit difficult for me. But i working on it already, I promise. I will follow your Advices as good as i can.

this has promise

>>13548271354827 Thanks. I'll try not to let you down.

I'm always up for helping a brony out.

Starting with the introduction, only words beginning sentences and proper nouns such as names and titles are capitalized. with this in mind, you may want to repair it a little.

ex)

Twilight Sparkle has a bad feeling, as she and her friends were ordered to Princess Celestia, and sadly she was right with it. Her brother, Shining Armor, who was on a special reconnaissance mission in the Southern Mountains, is missing! Determined to find her brother, Twilight sets out with her ​​friends and her sister in law Cadence, but the Southern Mountains harbor a secret, which was previously

only as a myth...

I need still a good Prereader and Editor. Please, PLEASE, help me with this, English is still only my second language!

To the Story: I was inspired for this by the Stories about a Legendary Land, somewhere up there in Tibet, which has so many names, like Shangri La or Shambhala! I thought it would be a good Story!

Besides, i start writing this before Season 3, so i had have no Information. (season 3 is still not out)