After being drafted into the army, Kayden is immediately thrown into the heat of battle. Being the sole survivor of his regiment, he sets off to try to figure out what to do.
Alright, I'm seeing some problems in the grammar along with spelling but my main problem is here the brutality of it. I mean the story sounds like Ten Rounds and it has a solid story that I can get behind but its really brutal. So keep up the good work and please don't place a gore tag on here otherwise I'm running away.
If you want the grammar to be better along with spelling then try reading it aloud, because it's an easy way to pick up on them, or a pre-reader. Until then keep up the good work.
Strewth, you don't beat about the bush.
My advice, slow down. You're rushing through everything at a mile a minute. Take your time, illustrate this Kayden chap. Make us feel feels. What kind of person is he?
>>11409261140926 Thank you for the criticisms. I will try to cut down on the brutality a little bit, as well as clean up the grammar.
>>11417071141707 Thank you for pointing that out. I do have a nasty habit of fleshing out the plot a little TOO much. On getting to know the main character, I'm still trying to figure out what his personality should be. Rest assured I will have that issue fixed in the next chapter.
>>11409261140926 LE GASP
ALL HAIL DA BUNNANA KING!!!
also while so far so good try to slow down ur writing. if your having trouble doing this try going into more detail or writing things like the run through the sewers and how he could here hooves echoing off the walls while he was trying to get out or something. but if you fix that ploblem wich isnt that bad anyway , this could become a great story. good luck with ur writing i will be watching this
This story should be tagged under comedy I found it really funny, but as shadowless_night said you have to slow down with your writing and explain more. I believe that you have rushed this to get it out fast or before you went to bed or something. If you added more details it would be alot better but this is good at the moment. I be watching dis.
Lol, word of advice you are still taking this to fast, slow it down a bit, explain more e.g (It was a good thing that my Dad was the head manager who held the codes to the vaults. He had tried to bring me up as a bank manager and even gave me the codes to become one, but I didn't want to though but I kept the codes in mind.) Easy as that. Also if I were immune to the serum I would be like:
Are we going to see an reaction of pegasi when she's immune to the potion.
Thank you all for your constructive criticisms. I can honestly say it warms my heart to see so many people giving me advice and taking the time to comment.
I apologize for the shortness of the last chapter, Epiphany.
>>11474431147443 Yes, there will be a reaction from the pegasi to Kayden being immune. Since there seems to be some confusion, KAYDEN IS A MALE.
>>11473111147311 Of course, I will try to elaborate more on all of the events going on in the story.
Happy to help a fellow author.
Oooohhh phycological problems and immunity. Although him dislocating a ponies foreleg seems like a dumb idea when they cant see you, that and you have to be really strong to do so.
Still some problems with grammar and the spelling has improved quite a lot, so keep it up.
Yah, also have you been righting more carefully this chapter because I felt this wasn't as rushed as the other chapters and found little mistakes, unless you had an editor? But this is becoming better each chapter, just don't do something stupid in the story and ruin it for us, I've seen that so many times . But keep at the good work
Also what happened to the LEEEEEROY JENKINNNNS
>>11931431193143 Thank you. I hate to argue, BUT the ponies foreleg was on his back, so all he needed to do was flip around and dislocate the ponies leg. Also, he's in the army so things like basic training and other things probably would have made him strong enough to do that.
>>11978211197821 If you want a LEEEEEROY JENKINNNNS scene, I'll do my best to fit one in later on. As for the editor question, yes I did have an editor. That is the main reason why chapter three took so long.
Once again, many thanks for ALL your comments and criticisms!
Still he would have to be really strong either way, because pony ligaments are stronger than humans by a lot, but I get your point.
>>11488251148825 How is he immune?
>>12585601258560 Genetic mutation maybe? All will be revealed soon.
My apologies for taking so long. but as I'm sure some of you know, high school is a real time-killer
>>13964031396403 I know all too well
I find this hell funny. Why u no put comedy tag in.
>>13991561399156 How so? I'm glad that I'm making you happy, but why? Is it funny because it's bad?
>>13983741398374 Too violent?
>>14012181401218 No, it;s funny because the character seems a bit like me as in terms of a who gives a flying shit about what is happening as long as I have fun doing it.
Next chapter, please!
>>14894611489461 I'm very sorry for letting this story slip through my mind like this. Just bear with me, I will have the next chapter out by Friday.
As usual, please direct any feedback and/or advice to the comment section.
Yay, a new chapter at last!
Say, in real life, you know hundreds of bronies would be able to recognize a bad potion, if it did happen.
Chapter came out as a 'meh' at best and lots of formating issues. So indent each paragraph and have a space between them.
>>16178261617826 *bows ALL HAIL THE BANANA KING*
yes i will do that everytime i see a comment of yours. makes things fun
anyway and interesting chapter but... to me seemed like it should of been paired with something. generally a chapter to a story will go explication or filler/interesting/ something happens/ situation develops/ cliff hanger or resolution to problem
this way it keeps people interested. that chapter just seemed to go filler / interesting / something small happens
nothing really great build suspense unless you were going for a more informative chapter in which then id say good but still feels like somethings missing
Your grammar hurts me.
>>16196671619667 as it should especially since im on my phone
Thank you for the feedback! Yes, there were formatting issues, mainly because I tried to copy and paste it into the story editor.
At last, something happens.
It may be a while before the next chapter, the wait may be as long as until Christmas, but it will happen.
I was happy......ish........ When I saw the portal to Equestria I though, You better say no or I will kill this character, also Luna would NEVER send him to Equestria straight up, why would she with all the chaos Kayden could do. But otherwise keep on going..
I feel like this thing just jumped off the edge of cliff and into the mental retardation sea. Look the plot so far has taken a turn of the worse but it seems like it has slowly gotten back on course. There are still the odd grammatical and spelling error that I see, but its not enough that I'm going to flip the desk over. Though the plot is.
>>16846941684694 I agree. However, who's to say Luna would have given kayden his freedom even if he said yes? That's why I had him give a resounding "no" to Luna's offer.
>>16864861686486 Thank you. Where did it take a turn for the worse?
Thank you for the advice, I will try to incorporate it into the next chapter!
Hard and quite forceful ship with Lyra that isnt needed and Luna just appearimg out of no where to throw the main chraracter into a portal... just took a turn down crazy street.
Just try and justify the portal and the Lyra ship I can ignore... for now.
>>16870791687079 I figured you would reply like that :P
picture a cheeta, driving the thrust ssc bloodhound. thats how fast this story moves
>>17624081762408 Well....it IS an adventure story, but I see where your coming from. I will try to slow things down considerably in the next chapter, right after I get done reading all the fanfics that I've missed
"It's good to here that."
It's good to hear that.
Also, I am liking this story a lot.