Well, let's see.  We're starting out in an alternate universe where Luna's genuinely evil, Spike is Celestia's adopted son, and the first thing Twilight and Dash do upon meeting is get in a fight.

Clearly this is a labor of love -- you've got almost a small novel's worth of work here.  (NaNoWriMo novels are 50,000 words!)  Unfortunately, I'm having a hard time letting the story grab me, because it's so different from the Equestria we know.

It doesn't help that the story's written so densely.  You're running entire scenes together into a single paragraph.  This makes it much harder to follow along with conversations, and a certain fatigue sets in while slogging through unbroken blocks of text.  Jump to a new paragraph every time you reach a new thought, or every time a new speaker says something.  

Larger breaks -- changes between scenes, etc. -- should be set off with extra space, or with a section break marker like:

* * *

Ironically, the sheer amount of writing here is also an impediment to picking up new readers.  It's a lot easier to give a new story a chance if you can "try it out" with a few chapters and then decide to either abandon it or add it to your reading list.  For your next project, even if you write 40,000 words in advance (which is great!  That's a huge amount of effort!), trickle it out a few chapters at a time.  Post on a regular schedule, like once every few days -- and every time you add something, it's another chance for new readers to pick up your tale.

The extra time will also give you a chance for extra editing.  You're doing well on the little things -- spelling and grammar and narration -- but being able to pick up your story again with fresh eyes can help you approach it from a reader's point of view, and see how it reads when all the fantastic ideas that inspired it aren't quite so vivid in your head.  (Your readers don't get the benefit of those!)  That, or finding some pre-readers willing to give you honest feedback, can let you know what elements of your story could use extra editing, or maybe shouldn't be there at all.

Anyway, I hope that gives you a few constructive suggestions for your next story.  You've clearly got a passion for writing that I think could grow into much greater things.

- H

>>11259511125951

Oh um. Hmm.

Uhh. Gosh. I really don't know what to say. The proper response is thank you. And I am thankful. The reason why I made this thing at all was to gauge what others might think. The fact that you considered it so different from the Canon Equestria is interesting as the fandom has a interesting obsession with putting ponies in things that have nothing to do with the canon universe.

I don't really know. Or understand. The editing advice. I have a friend. She writes too. She tells me about the writing things too but I just don't really get it. I've been working on it. But you have similar complaints. I don't really know what to do about that. The desire to "not care" sort of creeps into me.

That's odd that the idea of having things come out slowly would be a suggestion. I used to submit sprite comics. And before I did that I read lots of comics and sprite comics. I HATED waiting for the next issue. It always seemed to take too long. I preferred to find something when it's all complete. So one can just run through it and not be left on cliff hangers. So I've always submitted things in high salvos. Save my readers the bother of waiting.

I always imagine people are impatient. The thought of someone reading a bit so they can feel it out. I don't understand that either. I am kicking myself that I didn't go through it one more time. I made that terrible mistake of saying people when I should have said ponies (It's like writing with your left hand when you're a rightie when I did this pony story I'm so used to anthros and humans). The idea of making people wait almost a year. That's how long it took. Like just last month last year is when I started (I wanted to capitalize on the bewildering fandom) and I just got done. Maybe a week ago.

I guess you've been here for awhile so you know how people think. I just joined today. Just to submit this. So I don't know nothin'.

I really wish I had pre-readers. Someone who could look at these things and edit it. But I have no one. My friends are far too busy and DON'T like the fandom. So I self edit. This is going to sound weird. But I don't know how people read. Like. How do you read words? I read my words and it seems no different from the words I just read that were the words you wrote. I don't get that either.

Oh... Oh man. I rebutted. No one likes a rebuttal. Thanks for saying that you think I have a passion.

Uh. I have passion.....

I have to admit that I love long stories and the mythos that you build up around your tale really peaked my attention, but I would recomend that you do some editing. You have a habit of switching between tenses and it makes it hard for me to immerse myself in the story. I would offer to edit it myself, because I think with a little bit of work it could be a very compelling novel, but I'm in the middle of my own story at the moment. If it still needs done by the time I'm finished I would love to help you out.

>>11273781127378

Hey. That I would appreciate. Technically it is done but I could always use some editing help if someone is willing to lend it. I don't know what I'd give you as thanks for you're assistance but I'd come up with something.

So a Journey to the west Crossover Sounds interesting