You had me until (no clop)

Image: http://scranton.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw4936-11vp45h.gif

Oh Celestia, that's the funniest GIF I've seen in a long time, hahaha.

The story looks pretty good! I'll read it shortly.

I'm not sure what a masquerade ball is supposed to be in Equestria. I mean, the most discernable features on ANY pony is their hair, cutie mark, and skin/fur color. How does a dress and mask help, especially if they compliment the original colors?

Okay, looks interesting.  One thing though.  How is a mask and dress supposed to disguise the stary maned Alicorn that stands about two to three heads taller then anypony else?

I am eagerly anticipating the answer to this question.

(no clop) DAMN!

Anyways, i like it so far.

Continue.

Sounds interesting. Luna and Twilight breakup?

And a makeup party? Rarity u are a genius!

>>11211731121173

I agree with your concern.

If Luna didn't cast a transformation spell to herself into a normal pony.

It's imposible for her not being recognized as princess of the night in this party..

Her size, her ethereal mane.. her everything.. :3

====

Anyway, this story starts with an interesting concept.

And maybe the authur will find a interesting way (alcohol? wow!) to solve this problem.

Nice try!

I like this. I can't help but wonder how Twilight could not realize who Luna was. Besides being much taller than the average pony, she also has both wings and a horn and the dress couldn't cover up every bit of color. I suppose that the dress could have some magical properties making Luna appear to be a normal pony. Either way I guess I find out what happens in the next chapter.

>>11210981121098

Use your imagination. That's a very funny gif by the way.

Other than that. I really appreciate the feed back; as to everyone discussing the part about Luna/Twilight not recognizing each other; I do have my own plans.(Though I may go back and edit it(Both in the first chapter, and maybe later on after I post the second chapter), to make it more believable.)

MOAR

>>11224071122407

Wow. That was just the BEST suggestion ever!

In fact, I enjoyed the idea SO much, Im going to do it! Today!

Sweet man, can't wait to read the next chapter!

KEEP IT UP!

>>11225651122565

Thanks. You'd be surprised at how much that means to me, especially hearing it for my first fic.

Im still debating on whether or not to keep it away from clop or not, though. :/

No problem!

This is great for a first fic!

Edited it to be slightly more believable(Not much though, just a slight bit of detailing towards the end. Nothing major.) and correlate with the second chapter which I hope to get around to uploading later this evening. :P

EDIT: Decided NOT to put clop into the next chapter. Ill just leave it at a suggestion and skip to the next morning.

I am curious as to why Twilight broke up with Luna in the first place....

I was thinking of writing a prologue after I was done; if that's any consolation.

So you went for the break-up idea, eh? To easy ;)

>>11346111134611

Say what you want. It was my first fiction and I'd rather take it easy. xD

This is leading up to something great here, i sense tension.

Brilliant work!!, and as for who was being mean about my anti-wing boners;

WHAT WOULD YOU DO??!!

>>11382161138216

Thanks.

The only thing I can't decide is; I can continue with the story after this, and explore their relationship, or I can just do a new story, as this was meant to be pretty short. xD

Also, thank you, Im glad to see all this [mostly] positive feedback on my first fic. :P

>>11387271138727

Continue the story, make them get back together and then explore their relationship.

I will love it if you do so.

*i read, but can't write*

>>11387531138753

You are very encouraging. :P

Y'know, I used to think I couldn't write either. But I spent an hour, maybe two, writing the first chapter and it turned out pretty well.

You won't know how good you are until you give it a shot. (I personally think my writing sucks.)

>>11389841138984

WOW, man (or lady ), stop beng so over critical of yourself, every-one thinks that their writing is poor in some way, when, to the majority of the readers, it is perfect.

Anyway, please write more chapters, as it really makes my day wrth living. (currently i have 3 hours of work ahead of me (tidying my room)), that aside, i really enjoy the distraction from the monotone reality i live in.

>>11390251139025

I would prefer being called a male,(Or in this situation, man)

Yeah, im working on the second chapter. Just having problems figuring out where to go to get to this scene and so forth. Im hoping to get it up by the end of the weekend. :D

FIRST!!! As i told you i would be.

Anyway, it was a bit rushed, and they went straight from the ball to the hotel, which doesn't make sense... and twilight said she wasn't trying to get drunk, yet her voice was slurred...

Never mind me, i'm highly analytical about these things...

MOAR!!!!

>>11481061148106

ILL FIX IT WHEN I WAKE UP.

Its 4:08 A.M. and I am tired. T_T

I liked it but you have given us what we wanted a little too quickly. A story like this needs to tease us, play with us a little before we can even think about the deed. And when you are about to give us what we've been longing for you take it away and write 30 more chapters... Lol... I'm of course excited for the follow up for their morning after.

>>11482571148257

LOL, good point

>>11482571148257

You do have a a point. Though, its kinda hard from my angle to figure out what exactly you wanted.

Hopefully the next chapter won't feel as rushed.

Great chapter, and ha. an annoying shade of orange... I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE

annoying orange would be proud,,,

>>11494971149497

I could do worse things.

Like making 50 Shades of Grey jokes.

I'm just saying let your creative juices flow

>>11496531149653

My...creative...juices?

I don't know about you, but spilling blood and purging the heretics in the name of the Emperor is a pretty good fix for me.

Dam, that's juicy.... Maybe... Too juicy.... I LOVE IT!

>>11506841150684

Im glad we can agree. :P

Sweet Celestia, this is going to get awkward... I can't wait!

>>11512101151210

I'm afraid you may be waiting longer than you want.

With school starting with such a heavy work load, I cannot dedicate as much time as previous to writing.

>>11708671170867

I definitely understand. I'm starting class tomorrow as well, on top of my job. I'd rather the quality is good than have it rushed, so write at your own pace. Good luck with classes!

>>11715021171502

Thanks.

Ill be having A LOT of fun...in all my Advanced Placement classes. T_T

>>11715501171550

AP classes? Ew... Speaking from experience, at least with the English classes, some College courses were easier than the AP English courses. Then again, that teacher was known for being hard... Still, you will come out better for having taken the harder classes. Your GPA and College admittance letters will thank you.

Just don't let yourself get the this point. --->

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy.png

>>11717981171798

Eh.

Last year I wasn't as attentive as I was to my grades, so I got a 3 on the World History AP test, but I'm really stepping it up this year. And then I'm also in my schools Academic Decathlon team, which takes up a lot of time.

>>11720151172015 Good luck!

>>11720581172058

Thanks~~~ :P

Great start!  Good concept with a lot of emotionally charged potential.  I like it.

A couple bits of constructive criticism:  

1. Formatting.  You might want to add a line break between paragraphs and indent said paragraphs.  That can make the overall thing easier on the eyes.

2.  Pacing.  You're chomping at the bit to get to the finish line here.  I know the feel, believe me.  Other commentators have mentioned it before me, so take heed.  Slow it down, fill out the sections between the primary plot points.  Which leads me to number three.

3.  Description.  There is so much potential for description here!  Get detailed.  Get intimate with your detailing of locations and the ponies costuming.  It's a masquerade ball, visual detail is everything.

Do that and the next installment will be leaps and bounds ahead of these first two chapters.  Then, after you are feeling comfortable with that, we can tackle the dreaded Meandering Tense and prickly Verb Choice.  

Is this humanized? I've seen you use people instead of ponies so I was just wondering.

>>11757821175782

I don't believe I implied anywhere that it was humanized. If so, please point it out and I'll correct it.

>>11742731174273

Thanks! That's probably one of the most helpful things someone has said, and you caught me just in time; before I start outlining the next chapter.

>>11781051178105 "She recognized few PEOPLE there, she was also worried about being recognized..." That made me think it was humanized  

>>11784531178453

Fixed. :P

Thanks for pointing that out.

>>11800411180041 Your welcome