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RavensDagger
Joined December 2011
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RavensDagger
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Joined December 2011
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Hmm. Just started to read this. I have to say, I really like it.
>>1271552 Original is right. So far, I've never seen a real mystery story. This is really good. Unique is a way to put it. I really like this.
Not knowing anything can lead to a good story, if done well. You, sir, have done very well. Can't wait for more.
>>1328004 Darn it! Well, I definitely now what you mean. I promised a sequel for a Fluttermac I wrote a few months ago, but I didn't like writing the story in the beginning, so I've been really lazy about continuing. And I still have to do a sequel for my other story too 
For some reason, this mystery psychopath reminds me very much of Bane. I can totally imagine his voice coming from the pony.
I can't wait to find out what the plot of this is. He stole money from a bank that has been swindling country folk... and didn't kill anyone... Hm.
>>1419435 That thing as you call it is often known as 'je ne sais quoi' - that certain something that can't quite be named. In this particular case, I've felt that your story so far has got a good flow and delivery.
If we have a think about your story,we notice something. Imagine driving a nice car on a dead smooth multilane blacktop for 100kph through great scenery, nice, isn't it? Now imagine the same trip, except the road is now one of the typical goat track roads such as I have here in New Zealand, and every 2km we get pulled over by the police and hassled for no apparent reason, yet we also see that the scenery is nice enough to try and battle on, so we carry on our trip anyhow.
So many stories I see here are the second car trip - the idea (our scenery) is great, but the delivery (our car ride) is not so good. Stilted dialogue, improbable out of character behaviour, ah, it goes on and on. Well your story to me is the first car ride. The scenery/idea is great, and the trip/delivery is smooth, bump free and is easy to transition between events.
Anyhow the rambling point I want to make is that I am glad you have done a nice job on delivery. Even a boring story is made pleasant in the telling when done properly, but you have kindly used a fantastic plot which means the fun has been doubled!
Wow that was hard to write on this damned tablet, the cursor goes psychotic and letters go everywhere when commenting on fimfiction, I hope my comment is well received as it took me forever 
Ah, yes! Finally, we get the full plot of this mystery story! One bit of this canon you've created I liked in particular:
-The Princesses have nothing to do with this, nor do any of those who are just and right. We’re only targeting the bad ponies, those that deserve to be punished.
I'm glad this didn't turn out to be one of those fics with Tyrant Celestia or something equally ridiculous that prevents me from being able to take it seriously. Good job!
As far as how this turned out, it's been another great chapter! This is seriously one of my favorite fics right now. It's right up there with stories like Background Pony and The Flight of The Alicorn. It's dark and mysterious without feeling too over-the-top for Equestria.
I like this darker, mafia/corrupt style of setting.
Do you plan this to be a shorter story or something longer? 'Caus I feel that right about now Celestia should be sending in a certain squad of six ponies to deal with this threat...
Also, is that book of yours out yet?
I really like the way you have written this. It has a very unique feel to it that makes the whole thing fit together in its own unique way when combined with the overall tone of the piece. Reading this it feels almost like you are a mastermind sitting back and watching the pieces fall into place thanks to the analytical presentation and slow pacing of the chapters.
That said, this chapter feels a little bit weaker than the others, and I think it is because it is so dialog-heavy. It might help some if you tried to break up the dialog by inserting more descriptions of the room and what the characters are doing during the conversation because things seem to be moving a bit faster than they did in the previous chapters.
Still, this is great work overall and I am very much looking forwards to seeing more of it in the future.
Mmk. Finally getting around to reading this. Its been on my to read list for a while now.
Image: http://i1355.photobucket.com/albums/q714/mufffinpatrol/tumblr_melja6MmiR1qcwhkeo1_400.gifAllons-y!
This chapter had a few places that read awkwardly, namely the action scene in the hall with Shining Armor: it was rather heard to follow. Also, I noticed a couple of errors, which I had planned to point out, but I can't remember where they were now. Dang it. And Princess Luna seemed unnecessarily hostile toward to her own guards, especially considering what we've seen of her canon character recently.
That aside, great chapter! The last sentence really peaked my interest more than anything that has yet happened in this story. Can't wait for the next chapter.
"Fourty two answers that fluctuate in minds of numerous intelligent beings inhabiting various dimensions regardless of mineral composition yield the weirdest worlds as a result of blind attempts to discover proper lines of inquiry that might create possibilities for a proper question to arise"
Medic!
So now we get a little bit of context with Vinyl Scratch playing audience surrogate. My biggest problem with this fic is that the protagonists' goals are so vague (kill corruption!) and their justification amounts to personal hardship and the central theme of the fic (why not?)
Yet we aren't shown how Equestria has become corrupt outside of the view of the protagonists and one DJ. You assure the audience surrogate that the Princesses are still totally fine, and Shining Armor seems on the level as well. I have no issue with amoral characters or characters that tend to and even like murder, but most authors set it up in a way that I can understand the context behind their actions and properly see their perspective.
Disregarding Dreamer's hints of a backstory, Planner's seems ridiculous. Did he even read the contracts he signed? If he did, how did his signature appearing all over the place set him up? Normally I'd be loathe to ask this, but are there no lawyers? Even with my paltry knowledge the evidence seems slim (even if his name's all over it, you'd think they'd look for where the money went.)
Lets assume you're very serious about how Equestria has legitimately never dealt with these problems for X amount of time (I've no interest in a discussion about whether or not this is supported in canon. Irrelevant to the story). Are you trying to set up Values Dissonance, where the ponies in your story are unfamiliar with the darker shades of life even though your readers are? If that's the case, then it is not reflected in the majority of this work. Mostly it is just your characters killing ponies 'cause they "deserved" it. True or not, in or out of story, it isn't presented in a way I find believable.
If you weren't going for trying to show readers how unequipped ponies are for rather shady business practices, then where is the justification for these murders? You seem to be taking a Dexter-like approach with having rather sociopathic characters do as they please, but Dexter's motivations and context within his surroundings are laid out even from episode one. I find the way you lay out what the characters do to be rather interesting, but without the context on why, its also pretty disgusting.
Damn, that was quite the chapter. I was very moved by Fleur's death, both because of how you portrayed her and because she's a favorite background chactater of mine. I almost cried, and I hardly ever cry at stories. On that note, it kind of breaks me heart to see you write characters like Spitfire as corrupt villains. Oh well. (Still though, Fleur? Really? That silly, loveable, posing pony? :( )
Also, I think you need to discipline your editors; I noticed a few mistakes throughout this chapter. :P
(I'd point them out, but I didn't write them down.)
I continue to eagerly await the next chapter.
This is because one of the editors on that list (i.e. me) was without internet for the vast majority of the editing process for this chapter and Raven had to publish it to keep up with his timetables. I apologize for the mistakes and will be fixing them shortly. Please continue to enjoy the story.
But it fit's so well! 
The way Executor talks about the bad ponies that Celestia won't punish because she is all about love and forgiveness, how Celestia had to pull more then her share for a thousand years and the way Executor said “I’m sorry, Celestia,”. That all screams "Luna is back and her justice is swift and absolute." to me.
Oh, and I like the idea.
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