How do you start one of these stories? It's another fine day in Equestria? It's a dark and stormy night in Equestria? No, that's not right. There has to be some other way to start this story without it being a cliche. This particular story deserves an introduction more appropriate. So much occurred that just starting off with a line like "once upon a time" just seems degrading. How do I make it work? Celestia's sun was high in the sky and the citizens of Ponyville partook in their communal duties. Nope. I feel like I've read that line before...many times. Luna's moon produced a radiant glow upon the quiet Ponyville. Nah. That doesn't look right either. Oh, I got it! How about this?
Spike and Rainbow Dash were friends.
Yeah, I like it better now.
Anyway, Spike and Rainbow Dash were friends. Good friends, in fact. Besides the truth that the two were tied to the Elements of Harmony, they also had many common likes and interests. Both had a grand sense of humor, and that fact definitely aided in bringing the dragon and Pegasus closer together. Pranks and teasing amongst each other became the norm in social outings. Jokes and gossip had them snickering to themselves behind the backs of their friends. It was all in good, innocent fun. And the two appreciated the amount of normalcy produced through their mutual outputs. Their friendship was easy to understand and make sense thereof.
Spike amused himself by calling out to a speeding Rainbow Dash, in which he made aware of how awesome she looked when her mane left a glittering rainbow trail, but then commented on the possibility of said trail just being an extended passing of colorful gas. Rainbow Dash enjoyed making Spike flush in embarrassment, in which she would intermittently tease him about his painfully apparent crush on one white unicorn, then she'd hint at spoiling the young dragon's affections to said unicorn. Of course, though frequent frivolous acts between the pair ensued, Spike and Rainbow Dash cared for each other. Through thick and thin, the two had fought and experienced. Learned and grew. Their bond only strengthened at each passing day, for no obstacle had proven efficient enough to halt the progress of development. It was a relationship that shouted durability. A formidable adversary to those threatening to interrupt the sweetness and purity. It never seemed as if anything would ever come between them. They were just too cool to let anything get in their way.
Or so they thought. Because unbeknownst to Spike and Rainbow Dash, something was heading for them straight and steady. An idea, one might call it, gradually encroaching upon their playful haven. This entity was no slouch, either. It was strong, and it was about ready to begin the slow consumption of their friendship. Frightening some label it. Maddening most agree. Omnipotent all assume. Far sooner than later, it was coming. And it didn't plan on ceasing its plans for domination.
What was it, you ask? Well, isn't it obvious? It was love. Scratch that. It wasn't specifically love itself, but more like the idea of love. The idea of love was prepared to play with Spike and Rainbow Dash. The result of such preparation wasn't pretty, I'll mark. Though, in all truth, there was more than enough entertainment to sift through.
Spike's Rainbow Dash
"Check her out. Oh, what I'd do to jump on her bones." Snips, a goofy-looking pony, whispered surreptitiously to his companions. "She's hot. What do you think, Snails?
"Dah, yeah. She's hot. I think her friend's cuter, though." Snails, a taller goofy-looking pony, commented, directing his attention to the pale cream mare.
"Bon Bon?" Snips looked up to Snails incredulously. "Yeah, she's okay. But Lyra's way hotter."
"Whatever. I still think Bon Bon's prettier." Snails said, staring at the two mares chatting with each other at a distance. "I don't know why. She just has this way about her, you know? The way she trots."
"What do you think, Spike?" Snips nudged the purple dragon beside him. "Who's hotter? You gotta admit it's Lyra."
"No way. Spike knows it's Bon Bon." Snails assured.
"I don't know about that, Snails. I've always had a thing for horns." Spike rubbed his chin in contemplation.
"Ha! Told you. He's got the hots for unicorns, like Lyra." Snips pointed a hoof at the turquoise unicorn.
"However, I am attracted to light-colored coats." Spike continued his musing.
"Bon Bon wins that round, Snips." Snails nodded, grinning.
"It seems like he's just thinking about another mare. Somepony rare, I'd say." Rainbow Dash, the cyan pegasus with the need for speed, smiled coyly while eyeing Spike.
"Dash!" Spike gasped, flustered.
"Somepony rare? What does that mean?" Confused, Snips turned to Snails, who shrugged in response.
Two unicorns, a Pegasus and a dragon lounged lazily at a table in Ponyville. The weekly Sunday Farmer’s Market was crowded with many consumers from all parts of the surrounding areas. Ponies, mules and griffons alike shopped to their heart’s content, enjoying the pleasures of picking out fresh, organic food products provided by the local community. As the economically stimulating activity ensued, the two unicorns, the Pegasus and the dragon sat and discussed trivial matters of the male appetite: mares.
The topic of mares was always brought up when Spike and his guy pals, Snips and Snails, convened together for socialization. Yet at this moment, Rainbow Dash had entered the circle for an unexpected intervention. The Pegasus did not mind what the three had to offer in conversation, whether it involved mares or otherwise. She was used to giving her own input on the matters of females and attractions. Snips, Snails and Spike found Rainbow Dash’s presence to be both ironic and comforting. This was not the first time she decided to butt into their huddled discussions, and they knew it would probably not be the last. They were now accustomed to listening to Rainbow Dash’s personal opinions of the matters accounted for, and, initially a surprise, the two colts and dragon welcomed a mare’s perspective. No longer did the three male buddies find hindrance in the mind’s view of the Pegasus. In fact, they welcomed it. She was a friend they could confide in when befuddled by the actions of a fellow mare.
And although the advice, thoughts and ramblings from Rainbow Dash were interesting sources for social growth, Snips, Snails and Spike always wondered about her sexual orientation. Was Rainbow Dash actually a lesbian? She did not really have a problem talking about the mares with the guys? Was her rainbow-patterned mane an actual representation of her sexuality? The irony seemed baffling, yet the concept of it all was not so far-fetched.
“Come on, Spike. No need to hide it anymore.” Rainbow Dash giggled teasingly. “Everypony already knows.”
“Know about what?” Snails asked, still not comprehending the underlying message behind Rainbow Dash’s words.
Rainbow Dash laughed aloud. “Well, except for these two, of course!”
“Dash, stop it!” Spike waved his arms frantically.
“What’s she going on about?” Snips stared at the dragon quiver nervously.
“Nothing! She’s just saying stupid stuff. Pay no mind.” Spike replied heatedly.
“Yeah, yeah, pay no mind.” Rainbow Dash put a hoof to her head, sticking out her tongue to a fuming Spike. “But, yeah, if you asked me, Lyra’s the better-looking one.”
“Nopony asked you.” Spike said through gritted teeth.
“I win! Take that, Snails! Lyra Heartstrings is hotter!” Snips shouted in victory.
“Nuh, uh! Spike was going to say Bon Bon’s hotter! So it’s a tie!” Snails shook his head fervently.
“Hey, not so loud!” Rainbow Dash hissed as she ducked her head.
Spike looked in the direction of the two subjects of exchange and noticed both Lyra and Bon Bon shooting glares in the group’s general location. Due to Snips and Snails’ projected outcries for the mares’ competing attractiveness, half of the passersby in the market found it to be the victim of nonsensical chatter. Most ignored the group at the table while a few stopped what they were doing to glance around quizzically. Lyra and Bon Bon, however, were not too pleased to be the center of gossip.
“Oh, they’re coming over here!” Spike squeaked in a panic.
“What? Oh, no. Not good.” Snips attempted to duck under the table but just got stuck in between the surface top and the bench seat.
“Play it cool. Just play it cool, guys.” Rainbow Dash tried to calm down her anxiety-stricken companions.
Rainbow Dash suddenly considered bailing on the three and camp in the clouds a few meters away. It was not her fault her friends couldn't lower their voices appropriately. She did not need to be there in the first place.
“Oh, no, Rainbow Dash. You’re not leaving.” Spike quickly grabbed the pegasus’s hoof.
“What’s going to stop me?” Rainbow Dash struggled to be released by Spike’s iron-claw grip.
Spike smirked mischievously. “You’re the element of loyalty, remember? You gotta stay and be loyal, right?”
Rainbow Dash stopped for a moment before coming to a conclusion. “No, you’re the new me. Be loyal to yourself.”
“Too late.” Snails trembled helplessly as Lyra and Bon Bon finally arrived adjacent to the four.
“You four are really loud.” Bon Bon spoke first, taking priority to address Snips and Snails with an aggressive gaze.
“Seriously, what’s with you guys? Everypony’s affected by your idiocy.” Lyra joined in.
Snips and Snails shuddered in fear and embarrassment. Never before had they been confronted by the objects of their fantasies. In turn, Spike tried to ease the situation with a few wise words.
“We apologize for their rudeness, ladies. We’re just here to relax and enjoy the day.” Spike picked his head up to the sky.
“What about you?” Bon Bon turned her scowl to Spike. “We know you’re always talking about us behind our backs. Truthfully, it’s just disgusting.”
“Huh?” Spike was knocked back by the term disgusting.
“You’re a dragon, aren’t you? Time and time again you’re leering at us with a perverted smile. It’s not like you could actually get with any one of us. How does that even work? So weird.” Lyra dropped bricks on Spike’s dragonhood.
Spike was both shocked and appalled by Lyra and Bon Bon’s collective sentiments. Snips, Snails and Spike seemed to shrivel into themselves in shame. To Rainbow Dash, they looked pathetic and pitiable. Yet they were her friends, and as the loyal element she was destined to symbolize, the Pegasus brought her chest up in defense.
“Hey, leave them alone. They weren’t hurting anypony. All they were doing was complimenting your looks.” Rainbow Dash secured the last remaining ounce of dignity at the table.
Lyra scoffed at Rainbow Dash in response. “And what exactly are you doing with them?”
“It’s not the first time either. She’s probably also talking about us.” Bon Bon chimed in with a sneer.
“More like looking at us. I’ve never thought you’d be that way, Rainbow Dash. But I guess the rumors must have been true.” Lyra inched closer threateningly.
“What rumors?” Rainbow Dash continued to fortify the table with a countered glare.
Snips, Snails and Spike knew what was coming. They’ve heard the rumors about Rainbow Dash’s mysterious sexual orientation. It was actually a recurring topic of discussion among the male community of Ponyville. They were surprised themselves that the blue Pegasus was oblivious to the rumors. In the end, there was an agreement that nopony would ask in order to avoid an unexpected reaction. Until now, Rainbow Dash remained at peace with herself and the rest were satisfied with the unknown. Though now it seemed two mares were going to bring light to everything.
“Oh, don’t tell me you don’t know. Isn’t it obvious? You’re a lesbian, right?”
Rainbow Dash felt like she had been smacked upside the head with a shovel. That was the absolute last thing she expected to come out of the mare’s mouth. A lesbian? What were they talking about? Things need to be set straight once and for all.
“I’m not a lesbian.” Rainbow Dash stated simply, her visage remaining stern.
“That’s not what we heard.” Lyra turned to her best friend for confirmation. “You don’t have to hide it. We’ve all known it was true since forever.”
“Makes sense. Not only are you, well, you.” Bon Bon started. “But you’re always hanging out with the colts and probably ogling the mares with them.”
“What does that mean? Me being me?” Rainbow Dash’s face contorted in frustration. “And who cares if I hang out with the guys? They’re my friends! I can befriend anypony I want!”
“Whatever.” Lyra shook her head nonchalantly. “Nopony really cares. Just stop giving us those depraved looks already.”
“Depraved? I’ll show you depraved!” Rainbow Dash burst, allowing her composure to dwindle. “I may have saved Equestria twice already, but you guys can be sure I’ll leave you two in the dust next time!”
Lyra and Bon Bon were taken aback by Rainbow Dash’s eruption. Looking behind themselves, they noticed most of the market goers were now taking frequent glances over at the table. No doubt they’ve become alarmed by Rainbow Dash’s unstable state. Spike realized the tense atmosphere was only getting tenser, so he decided to buck up and stand atop the table for a cease of arms.
“Okay, everypony needs to calm down. Nothing good’s going to come from bullying and threats.” Spike had all three mares’ attention. “We’re all friends here. Come on, where’s the peace?”
Lyra and Bon Bon stepped back as a pair. They were planning to leave, anyway.
“We don’t need to be treated like this. Just stop behaving like dirty perverts.” Lyra turned to walk off followed by Bon Bon.
“Where do you think you’re going? Get back here and say it to my face!” Rainbow Dash bellowed in a fit.
Spike took necessary measures to grab Rainbow Dash’s tail as she rocketed herself towards the exiting mares. The young dragon’s feet dragged across the table as he was pulled to its edge. Good thing he dug his clawnails into the wood to keep himself from flying at tremendous speed. Throughout it all, Snips and Snails stared dumbly at the blue Pegasus wriggling and fighting off Spike’s grasp.
“Guys! A little help, please!” Spike’s grip on the rainbow-patterned tail loosened gradually.
“Dah, yeah!” Snails reacted first and grabbed onto Rainbow Dash’s tail, aided by Snips’s immediate involvement.
“Let go of me!” Rainbow Dash flapped her wings furiously.
“Dash, you need to calm down!” Spike grunted, hanging on as if his life depended on it. “You’re better than this! We all know you’re straight!”
“Yeah, yeah! You’re as straight as an…uh, what was it?” Snips looked to Snails for assistance.
“Straight as an ostrich’s neck?” Snails guessed.
“Yeah, you’re as straight as an ostrich’s neck!” Snips finished, squeezing his eyes tightly.
Rainbow Dash sighed as she slowed down the flapping of her wings. She knew it wasn’t worth fighting over something so trifling. Spike was right. She was better than this. Rainbow Dash hovered back to her original seat at the table after Spike, Snips and Snails finally released her tail. By this point the rest of the surrounding guests went back to their shop activities.
“It’s straight as an arrow.” Rainbow Dash marked before producing another sigh. “And it’s not that. I just hate being so disrespected.”
Spike and the two colts reseated themselves, relieved by the lack of further confrontation between Rainbow Dash and the two opposing mares. Finally relaxing once again, the three chuckled to alleviate any rigidity left by such a stressful moment.
“Dash, you really scared me back there. I really thought you were going to tackle them.” Spike smiled wryly.
“Gotta admit, though, it would have been a sight to see.” Snips joked.
“I probably would have if you hadn’t stopped me.” Rainbow Dash crossed her arms. “Grabbing onto my tail like that…I was about ready to take you guys with me.”
“They have no idea what they’re talking about, Dash. Forget them.” Spike reassured Rainbow Dash. “They aren’t so attractive either, if you ask me.”
“Eh, they’re still kind of hot to me. But I wouldn’t fall in love with somepony like that.” Snails pondered to himself.
“Yeah, I’d fall in love with somepony who can understand a guy’s needs.” Snips added.
“Good luck with that.” Rainbow Dash simpered, swimming a hoof through her unkempt mane. “Finding a mare to understand you guys would be a miracle.”
“Look who’s talking.” Spike pointed to Rainbow Dash. “You’re here, aren’t you?”
“Ha! That’s different.” Rainbow Dash laughed to herself. “I am just more mature than the rest of those girls. They’re too conservative for their own good. Ponies just need to chillax.”
“If only the other mares could think like that.” Snails laid his head flat on the table.
“A lesbian? As if!” Rainbow Dash frowned as she remembered why she had gotten so angry in first place. “Of course I’m straight! You guys knew that, right?”
There was only silence. Spike, Snips and Snails had no idea how to respond to Rainbow Dash’s inquiry. Should they say the truth? Should they lie? How does a friend avoid another volcanic outbreak?
Spike gulped. “Uh, well, you know, Dash, it’s a funny thing because…”
Snips gulped. “We kind of thought…that…”
Snails gulped, picking his head back up. “Dah, yeah…”
Rainbow Dash craned her neck over the table. “You guys, too?”
“We didn’t really know, actually. We knew you were tomboyish, but you always did hang out with us.” Spike said hurriedly. “But we didn’t care whether you were straight or not. Now we know, though!”
Snips and Snails nodded feverishly.
Rainbow Dash did not quite know how to react. She could kind of see why some would misunderstand her behavior. She did not feel betrayed, but she was not satisfied either. She wondered who else thought she was attracted to females. Sure, she was never interested in any males around her, but she knew for a fact that she was attracted to the opposite sex. Just because she was strong-willed, independent and could find humor in hanging with the guys didn’t mean she was a lesbian. She knew this, and she desired for her friends to understand as well.
“Well, I’m definitely straight.” Rainbow Dash sat back.
“Do you have anypony you like?” Snips asked without much thought.
Spike elbowed Snips, snickering. “I'd feel sorry for that colt.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Rainbow Dash blinked.
“You’d be hard to handle, Dash.” Spike grinned to himself. “That’s why I’m always looking at more feminine mares.”
“Me, too.” Snails wore a love-struck expression as he spotted a gray-colored Pegasus fly straight into a nearby mailbox.
“I could be more girly if I wanted to. I just choose not to.” Rainbow Dash argued
“Sure, Dash. Whatever you say.” Spike dismissed Rainbow Dash’s statement.
“Hey, I’m being serious here. In fact, I bet I could make even you fall in love with me!” Rainbow Dash uncrossed her arms.
Spike was amused by such a ridiculous declaration. “Not possible! No offense, but you’re not my type.”
“Well, you’re not my type either, but I bet I can be as attractive as any mare here.” Rainbow Dash motioned to their environs.
“I’m sorry, Dash. I’m not budging on this. There’s no way you’d find me ever falling for you.” Spike cackled, rendering Rainbow Dash gaping.
“Oh, yeah?” Rainbow Dash cooed with a twinkle in her eye. “I’m going to have fun seeing you fall head over heels for me.”
“Wait, what are we talking about now?” Snips kept looking back to Rainbow Dash and Spike.
“Like I said, not gonna happen.” Spike spoke blatantly, mouthing his words exaggeratedly for emphasis.
There is something you should know about Rainbow Dash: she never, ever backs down from a challenge, no matter how ludicrous and absurd the grounds for the challenge may be.
“Then it’s a challenge!” Rainbow Dash flew up to stand on the table boldly. “And I accept!”
“What now?” Spike raised an eyebrow questioningly.
“Dah, huh?” Snails came out of his love trance to find Rainbow Dash roaring.
“Wait, what’s happening now?” Snips repeated, still completely lost.
Rainbow Dash pointed a hoof sharply at Spike’s stubby dragon snout. “I bet I can make you fall in love with me! If I succeed, you lose! Then I can enjoy watching you grovel at my feet in lovesickness!”
Spike, speechless and utterly flabbergasted, remained stock still as he stared intently into Rainbow Dash’s eyes. All he saw was determination – pure, unadulterated, pristine determination.
“You’re serious.” Spike muttered stoically.
“Hay, yeah, I’m serious!” Rainbow Dash beamed triumphantly. “I’ll show you who’s straight as an ostrich’s ne-, er, an arrow!”
Snips and Snails’ eyes widened melodramatically. They saw everypony in the vicinity was now paying their unbridled attention to the purple dragon and blue Pegasus. A few whispered to each other, already beginning to indulge in the gossip that was sure to spread throughout Ponyville like a virus. This was going to be big, they could sense. Very big.
Spike chortled and produced a wicked smile. “Alright, Dash! Then I accept the challenge as well! But don’t come crying when you end up actually falling in love with me instead!”
Rainbow Dash spat onto the ground in disgust. “In your dreams!”
Spike looked down at the spit and rolled his eyes. “Strike one: no spitting, my little Dashie.”
“I-I knew that!” Rainbow Dash bounced high in the sky and flapped her wings. “Just you wait, my baby dragon!”
Rainbow Dash flew off and disappeared into the clouds. Spike, Snips and Snails now sat at the table in yet another moment of silence. Spike was still a bit stunned by the abrupt turn of events. What just happened? One moment Rainbow Dash was ready to pummel a few mares and the next she’s challenging the dragon to a love battle. Ponyville sure is a crazy place to live in. How he has survived up till now Spike could not figure. For now, though, he planned to be the victor of the love game against Rainbow Dash. He was in love with Rarity, after all. That sweet unicorn of majesty and elegance. The lovely pony that was the very symbol of generosity and femininity. The jewel to his eye. Nopony was going to get in the way between he and Rarity. Nopony.