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After being defeated by the Elements of harmony Discord is given an offer he truly cannot refuse.
Or maybe he can I'm not really sure he's Discord.
{Oldness Warning} I haven't actually edited a single chapter (Other than format) Since Dec 21, 2011. There is no proper English only Zuul.
Story Cover I believe was done by Scallywag
It sounds pretty fine for a first fan fiction, but I think there is one rule which you really need to follow, it's the famous "Show, don't tell."
What you content yourself of telling could have - in my opinion - made quite a nice introduction for the story. Celestia proposing to give Discord a second chance, him eventually agreeing, his attempt at bribing his guard etc all sound like they could have make quite interesting or funny scenes.
As for what you actually have written, there is some stuff which remains slightly strange, at least to me. Where IS Discord, in this chapter? Does he still have some of his powers? What prevents him from taking over the world? Luna is the Princess, why would she need any kind of sneaking in to be able to talk to Discord?
Apart from that, I haven't noticed any big grammatical mistake, and the story sounds interesting enough for me to want to read more.
Thanks for all the comments tonight I'll spend some time checking through it and fixing any mistakes
Also I have almost no memory as to how I started writing this or how I finished it.
Thank you for the advice. It looks like this weekend I'll have some work to do :D
How about this, I'll see if I can create a secondary story (Only the Random Tag and I'll work on the First in my spare time and I'll work on the more serious one as the main story)
Or! I was thinking about doing this in a progress sort of manner each chapter is a day in either Celestia, Luna or Discords life as with a side chapter. So for example I could re work "Don't taze me Lulu" into one of the future chapters in a larger format
Also my god this post got long and I fell into the Quarantine zone on Dead Island
TLDR
2) Stories
Main story -Discord's Mildly bad day's
Secondary -Don't taze me Lulu
'twas good. Better than good, great! No! Great does it no justice, it was Unbelievable! No! It was believably awesome! Gah! no, no, no, no! It's cool, cooler than cool! As cold as cold as cold can be! ICE COLD!
*insert lyrics to Wreckx'N Effect - Rump Shaker*
Heres one for Discord.
Okay so a man is sitting in a waiting room in the hospital. His wife is having a baby and the doctor walks in. The man says"Hey Doc is everything alright?" The doctor says"Everything is fine your wife is recovering well and she delivered a healthy baby boy, you're one lucky guy". So the man leaps for joy and runs into the maturnity ward with his flowers, but when he goes into the right room his wife's bed is empty."Doc?" the man says. He turns around the doctor and all the nurses wave their arms and scream in his face."April Fools,"the doctor says"your wife is dead and your baby's a spastic".
I plan to start the next portion of this series in a second story, I intend for it to be in an episode style format. Each chapter would revolve around a specific character(s)
For example
Chapter 1 might be Discord
Chapter 2 might be Celestia
Chapter 3 might be Celestia, Luna and Discord
Chapter 4 might be the guards or somebody else
The next story should have more comedy, also I'm open to any suggestions from you guys on what you want to see.
Ahaha, that was great, Trollestia and Luna backed up by Discord getting the nobles to relax. I almost feel sorry for all those stuck up nobles for the pranks they will have to endure.
I'm going to have to check out your story about Hammer and Forge, don't see many stories about ponies other than Twilight having a dragon as a friend.
"It didn't help that his armor was larger than most. Brass was larger then most Stallions in the guard. However being a larger Pegasus than normal was more of a blessing than most would think. With his larger build came stronger wings, once he gets going he could match the speed of most members of the Wonderbolts. His large size also allows him to go hoof to hoof with even the strongest of Earth ponies."
This character needs a bit of work. He's got a lot of Gary Stu qualities. Ok, he's a bigger than normal pegasus. Ok. That's plausible enough. But somehow his being bigger is a super power that let's him keep up with most of Equestria's elite flight team. Ok, how does that even work? He's bigger meaning he's heavier and has that much more air resistance. Any advantage he got in wing size would be negated by that.
Oh and his large size means he go hoof to hoof with the strongest of earth ponies? Large frame doesn't mean you are stronger.
Oh and I keep thinking of this each time I see his name.
Lot of spelling and grammar errors in this so you need to tidy it up a bit.
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This is getting awesome! please keep up the good work my good colt
Image: http://mysite.verizon.net/sully1985/JokerLaugh.gif
Having a dark sense of humor can be a wonderful thing. It can turn frowns upside down when given the proper opportunity.
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