>>11108981110898

Ok, initial thoughts. That was a very interesting read, vaguely reminiscent of the Arena in Oblivion, although its probably unintended. I might watch this, I might not, I don't often have time for reading. However, I often enjoy offering advice to new authors and stuff, so feel free to message me if you need any help or advice.

Major point: More full stops! Just a quick example.

'Lead and the other colt clashed with an thundering crash, Lead was a big stallion, but this colt was bigger, Lead wound up being punched across the face, but in the blood rage, Lead yanked him closer and narrowly managed due to pure luck, to have the Bow wielding pony shoot an arrow through her comrade’s skull, Lead tossed the body aside and began to move in on the final target, “Come and fight!” Lead hissed, but was only greeted by the one with the bow back pedaling and falling over, the helmet came off to reveal a mare underneath, she dropped the bow and shook in fear, Lead felt a sense of regret, but he wasn’t about to let her become his downfall, Lead raised his sword and brought it down into her neck, severing her head from her body.' That is all one sentence.

'Lead and the other colt clashed with an thundering crash. Lead was a big stallion, but this colt was bigger. Lead wound up being punched across the face, but in the blood rage, Lead yanked him closer. Thanks to pure luck, the bow-wielding pony shot an arrow through her comrade’s skull. Lead tossed the body aside and began to move in on the final target. “Come and fight!” Lead hissed, but was only greeted by the one with the bow back pedaling and falling over. The helmet came off to reveal a mare underneath, and she dropped the bow and shook in fear. Lead felt a sense of regret, but he wasn’t about to let her become his downfall. He raised his sword and brought it down into her neck, severing her head from her body.' That works a bit better, right?

Hope some of this helped you, and remember to hit me up if you have any questions that need answering

The story is interesting, I'm looking forward to where the story is going,. but I have two major criticisms.

1) The constant never-ending sentences. Basically lack of periods. It's just distracting and takes away from it.

2) The pacing. Everything just seems to be moving far too fast, never really giving a chance to breathe. There just needs to be more space between the major plot events, like the team getting together. It doesn't feel natural how fast they all agree to join Lead.

Either way, still great so far and I patiently wait for the next piece.