• Member Since 11th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen Sep 20th, 2013

dicks212


kill me

T

Colonel Robert Gordman finds himself trapped in the land of Equestria after being mysteriously transported from his home in Dayton Ohio to the Froggy Bottom bog. Loneliness and Starvation over come him, until he discovers the bizzare inhabitants of this new land. He has a son back on earth and his wife is expecting another kid, Robert cannot afford to stay here any longer. He must find a way to return home, even if it means kidnapping ponies in order to gain the attention of Celestia.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 37 )

Author's note: Thank you for reading this fanfic! My friend and I put alot of effort into it and we would like feedback. Anything helps, what would you like to see next? Did we make any mistakes with in Military regime? Or did we misspell a word? Please comment giving us your opinion. If you liked it, please track it. This will inspire us to continue the story. Thanks! :yay::twilightsheepish::pinkiehappy:
-Shawn

This is actually pretty good there was a couple of little mistake like at some point you say "for to" but it actually has very good potential :pinkiehappy:

69849 Thanks for the comment! I am will be editing that out right now! :raritystarry:

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand tracking

Sounds very interesting. Looking forward to seeing where this goes.

Sounds very promising. However, I noticed a small error on the thought line just before the second to last paragraph, where it says "where I am?" You might want to change that to "where am I?" Other than that, it looks good. Keep it up!

Thanks to everyone for the positive feedback!!! You cannot understand how much I appreciate you guys taking time to read my work.
My countenance whearapon seeing that this was tracked by people: :pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp:
I will begin working on the next update soon! No prediction on when it will come out, but maybe some time next week. Thanks!
:heart::heart::heart::derpyderp1::scootangel::yay:

does Johnson survive? :fluttercry:

PLZ! PLZ! PLZ! let Johnson survive! :raritycry:

instead of saying venom barb was dripping with venom say venom barb was dripping with poison or something like that. dont use the same word twice.

and as for the rest of the chapter, very good :) theres a couple spelling mistakes and a few passages that you should consider revising. (we can go over it at school).

kudos! :pinkiehappy:

Author's Note:

Chapter 2 is done everypony! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it. I was very excited to work on the manticore scene, and wanted to make it original, and different from the others; seeing is there one in 90% of human in Equestria fics. I thought it turned out pretty well, I had a bit of help from my friend in this scene, (Kudos to you Tyler). I apologize that it was not as long as the other, I wanted to get it out by today, I am trying to update it every week. Expect minor changes, as people send me suggestions and grammatical corrections.

As always, I would highly appreciate any criticism, corrections or suggestions, that my readers have to offer. Just a heads up, next chapter the grimdark will really start, a pony will die:fluttercry:, have fun trying to guess who:pinkiecrazy:! I will begin working on the third chapter as soon as possible. Thank you again for reading my work, it is because of you guys that I continue the story.

:pinkiehappy::pinkiesmile::heart::derpyderp2::twilightsmile::moustache:

I find this be be one of the better written Human In Equestria Stories written. Keep up the good work

Okay, I just want to point this out, because as a soldier, I feel it necessary to do so. You NEVER leave a man behind, even if he was wounded and pinned, like this Corporal Robert did. That is the CARDINAL SIN of the military. Instead of going home, the man should be doing years (at minimum) in a military brig for violation of article 99 (specifically an act of cowardice and abandoning of a fellow soldier to the enemy, and is a violation of the Soldier's Creed and Warrior's Ethos [I will never leave a fallen comrade]) of the UCMJ, of which the punishment is up to, and including, the death penalty. Conduct like this is unacceptable in any way shape or form as a member of the United States military.

Please note, I will not judge a story badly based off this. I am just stating a fact that the author may not have been aware of, and something I personally believe should be noted that this conduct is NOT welcome in the armed forces of the United States. Everyone should know that this is not something that is tolerated in any way, by the US military.

All of the errors I've noticed were pointed out already, so I won't comment on them. I'm not going to say whether I'm tacking or what I'm rating yet. I'll review this in more detail at the most recent chapter.

NOTE: The capitalization, bolding, underlining, and italicizing of words is used to emphasis them only, not to show yelling or anger.

82663 Correction: the charges would be cowardice in the face of the enemy, and failure to render aid, not abandonment (this is a technicality only, blame a few "military lawyer" friends of mine).

I have to say, you don't know the US military's gear and terminology too well. We don't have clips ("clip bag"), only magazines and magazine pouches. Any soldier/sailor/airman/Marine has that drilled into them. Just like a gun is the item between a man's legs, we only have rifles. This isn't meant to be a scolding, just me passing on information to someone who lacks it.

There are several grammar mistakes, a few missed punctuation marks, one missed unit of measure, but other than that, it's clean. Good work. I can't really rate it at this moment, but you've got my interest (even though you have a Blue Falcon as a MC). I'll be keeping an eye on this.

74233 Just 'barb dripping with venom' would have been a better option, seeing as venom and poison are two different things.

Looking forward to reading more.

82812 Thanks a ton for the suggestions:pinkiehappy:, I will get working on them as soon as I can. As you could probably tell, I am not good with the military lingo and such, and I am very privelleged to have someone like you correcting my story in order to make it viable. English is not my first language:facehoof:, I will try and correct as many of the grammatical errors as I can. Thanks again for reading and providing feedback:twilightsmile:, I hope you enjoyed the story!

Also, Robert left Johnson, because it was a survival instinct and there was no possible way that he would have been able to save him, he regrets it completely, and it haunts him deeply top this day:pinkiecrazy:. He wanted to reach the rooftop of the building in order to cover the helicopter from above, and watch out for Johnson; but he had collapsed from the heatstroke before he was able to reach a vantage point. Just wanna point out, I don't mean for any of this to represent any of the real, or possilble actions taken by the US, or any military; it was simply put there in order to move the plot along. :unsuresweetie:

I appologize sincerly if any of this offened you, and I thank you for taking the time to improve the story, the corrections will be made ASAP.:moustache:

Hmm, this is looking good.

Also, one issue that Ghost-091 missed: You first say "My tour in the Marines lasted longer than expected" with regards to the protagonist and then you say "That was only one of my encounters that made up my hardship in the army". Choose one of them because "Marines" is not a synonym for "army".

Also I think Ghost-091 covered this already but if your protagonist is in the USMC, please always refer to him as a Marine.

83361 No problem, and I'm not offended. The reason I even brought up the violations is because there are people that exist who wish to demean and insult soldiers at any and all turns, even if they are insulting a fictional character, who represents the US military nonetheless. This is something that happens when you include the military in anything. I'm grateful for not having met any of these kinds of people (and I use the term loosely) on this site, or any of the others that I'm involved in, but I know they are out there. Two last things about the violations from a non-literary stand point (I swear), that "survival instinct" is called fear, and that's no excuse for the extremely poor conduct. If what he was trying to do was get a better position to cover Johnson, first tell Johnson that (in real life that would keep the soldier from feeling abandoned and keep his morale up), and then have Roberts think about it more than "oh no! They're coming!". That was the reason he showed cowardice in the face of the enemy. Second is that Roberts did nothing to even try to aid Johnson. He sat there, looked at Johnson, and then turned and ran. That would be the charge of failure to render aid. Note that soldiers loose the Fifth Amendment to protect oneself against self incrimination the moment they enlist. Any lies or "non-answers" to a military tribunal or a court of law is a crime in itself.

The biggest literary reason I'm bringing this up is that it seems that there has not been any investigation into his actions. A soldier winds up MIA, presumed KIA, and the last to see him grabbed his tags and was then wounded/incapacitated. A military tribunal would very much like to talk to him to find out what happened. It seems weird that they gave him a pass in that regard.

On a lighter note, I fully agree with and support Robert's decision to open fire on the OPFOR that were engaging the unarmed civilians. Unless it was explicitly stated that he couldn't engage armed personnel attacking civilians, and even then I'd personally agree with it, he'd get the backing of every soldier/sailor/airman/Marine I know. If it was explicitly stated...Well that's a BS order, but a lawful order nonetheless. I still agree with his decision, but he'd need to accept the consequences of his decision.

To help with the grammar and spelling, I'd recommend finding someone to be your prereader/beta/editor. They can help catch mistakes and such, especially since English isn't your native language.

One last thing, reason this response took so long was that there was a family emergency, and I was without internet and phone access for a while.

"After spending atleast a half our collecting dry branches" Two small mistakes here at least is two words and out not our.
"than 4 miles" Unless your describing technical specifications, like with the guns, you should use letters instead of numbers. :twilightsmile:
This is looking very good, you've already given us a distinctive main character with a strong back story. You're grammar is a little weak, but as you've said English isn't your first language, that's completely understandable. I'd recommend submitting this to the Ponychan Writer's Training Grounds: http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/72536.html#72536, I've submitted two fics there and the pre-readers would be a great help, I think. You've got a good story going thus far, keep it up. :pinkiehappy:

You have a few issues with your dialogue, it's more prevalent in chapter one, so have some copy-paste that a reviewer sent me:
You need to learn how to punctuate dialogue. Remember, a variation of “X said” follows the line, you need a comma or other special punctuation mark (not a period) to link it to the phrase. There is no capitalization of the beginning of the phrase in these instances. Standalone bits of dialogue get solid endings, and the next word is capitalized. If you reverse the order, place a comma before you go into the dialogue, and end the spoken line with a period, exclamation point, or question mark. Refer to these examples:
> “Screw clopfics.” He gulped the whiskey down.
> “I hope one day you get this right,” the reviewer moaned.
> “I don't know why so many get it wrong,” he whined, “it's not that hard!”
> “Why do so many make this mistake?” he mused.
> “I can't wait until the next time I don't have to deal with this!” he shouted.
> Vimbert whispered, “Someone else, write a fic where I don't have to use this copypaste.”
This is looking great though, although some of what 91415 is probably a good idea. :scootangel:

Authors Note: (PLEASE DO NOT READ UNTIL YOU ARE FINISHED CHAPTER 3)

It's finally done! Sorry for the long wait on this one.

The Dark tag is really starting to shine, I hope we don't have any Zecora fans here, or I will get some serious shit. :scootangel:

Anyways, critique, grammatical corrections and suggestions are always accepted. :heart:

Shout-out to Cainiam for being a badass pre-reader. You should check out his work too! He inspired me to right this Fic. If you like Halo, he definitely has a story you should read. :pinkiehappy:

Side note: 100+ internet points to the first person to notice the Hannah reference. :trixieshiftright:

I think you're going to get some serious shit just for that cliffhanger without even considering what you did to Zecora. :rainbowderp:

Poor Zacora...oh well, you can't expect him to automatically know that-NO!!! NOT FLUTTERSHY!! SHE'S BEST PONY!!!!

Looking good man, glad to be of assistance. :pinkiesmile: Keep up the good work. Unless the good work includes a dead yellow pegasus, if that's the case, STOP! :flutterrage:

well written story, sorta sad about zecora but I can get over it, but I'm leaving if fluttershy ends up dead. :fluttershbad:

Eh, kind of a mediocre story in my opinion. I just can't see this going anywhere good. Good luck to you.

143782 I'm sorry you see it that way. :fluttercry:

I do this in my free time, for people's enjoyment. I have had alot of fun writing this, I have plans for it. Everything that happens is for a reason. I know where I want to go with it. :trixieshiftleft:

May I ask why you think it is mediocre so that I may improve? :scootangel:

I'm sorry. I can't please everyone. :unsuresweetie:

143801

Shouldn't be your job to please everyone. Even stories I'm absolutely, madly in love with I realize that there's a reason they can't end up with a solid 5 stars, because you can't please everyone.

The 'killing spree' that our intrepid protagonist is going on seems a little overkill to me. In my mind it blocks of most of the potential for any sort of realistic plot. Assuming that he didn't just finish off Fluttershy, he's already probably killed Zecora and from how I view things Celestia isn't probably going to stand for this. Even if he DIDN'T finish them off it's going to take some amazing mental gymnastics to see how she wouldn't just end the threat to her ponies since he's made it very clear violence is his primary way of doing things.

I don't feel I have a good enough grip on Robert as a character to understand why he's doing this, while his desire for survival is understandable it clashes against the setting you've put things in and again makes me incredibly skeptical about how things will turn out.

I just feel like there needs to be a lot more, especially with what Ghost pointed out, to establish things a bit. If you're going to go around painting chunks of Equestria red I'd like to feel more attached/connected to the protagonist so that I can at least feel more for him.

Guess I just don't believably see this going anywhere that doesn't end up with Luna/Celestia turning Robert into small chunks for the safety of her people and I'm really not invested enough in Robert to care too much how he ends up. I mean he's shooting at Fluttershy, I better damn well like the guy otherwise my prior knowledge of the setting is going to make me less inclined to care what happens to him vs. the cute pastel talking ponies he's currently working on filling with lead.

I've had a lot of stories as of late take really weird, bizarre and hard to justify turns and perhaps I'm just being over sensitive to that. Don't know, but now if everyone tells me I'm not justified please feel free to ignore me. Your story, tell it how you want.

143984

Wow... That was a great argument, I would like to shoot a rebuttal, if you don't mind.
cdn.overclock.net/4/4c/4cf8afae_Phoenix-wright-objection.jpeg

You see, this fic was going to start out as, you described, a mission to paint equestria red.

But I decided to turn it into an actual story, the dark tag is present for a reason. I have great plans for this. You are right, Celestia WILL NOT stand for these actions, let's just say she is going to have an input soon. Please stick with it, I am going to develop Robert more along the way, as well as explain all of the anomalies such as, the teleportation to Equestria.

If you can not tell, Robert is a shoot first, ask questions later kind of guy. Don't tell me that if a pegasus was charging at you with a death glare in it's eyes ("The Stare"), you are hungry and tired. You would not shoot it? It's personal defence, these are reflexes he developed in his hardship. Maybe, seeing as we are bronies, we would think twice before shooting a pegasus. But this guy has never heard of My Little Pony before, and the only thing he can think of right now is getting home to his children. If you want, I can make an entire chapter dedicated to a building Robert's character? Some sort of Flashback.

I can promise you that Robert will feel the responsibility for his actions soon.

I hope this cleared things up, please don't hate me :unsuresweetie:

If anyone else has suggestions, I will gladly answer them.

144072

There's dark and then there's dark done well. While it's still too early to say one way or the other yet my only real opinion of Robert is "He's a bit of a prick." Part of me keeps waiting for him to die off so we can get to the real main character. To me it's almost too shocking, war torn setup, to brief peace at home, to killing well known characters, all I can see him as now is a prick. I don't necessarily blame him for his actions, other than given how he acted around the corpse of the manticore and wasted all that meat, why does he think he'd do any better with a mini-zebra? But you're asking me to care about this character you created and he's shooting at Fluttershy! Since you're using an established setting you have an additional problem to deal with; he's not just shooting at a charging pegasus (which begs the question of how did he get a chance to close his eyes if she hit him with the stare but enough of that), he's shooting at a character we all know and love. So I am torn now, do I wait to see how this turns out in the hopes of him having some sort of redeeming qualities, or bug out before I get page long descriptions of the entrails of my favorite characters?

Just keep in mind you have a very limited amount of time to get reader's attention and keep it. I've seen so many fanfic authors say "it'll get explained or, x will become more clear," but they don't that promises of 'eventually' can sound hollow. With books you can see usually within the first couple hundred pages if the author will get his act together and if you want to invest the time into reading through the rest of it. There are even some authors out there who take more than one book to get it together (and some who never do :pinkiesick:). Fanfiction has the additional problem that I don't have a full book to read of your work. I'm following along as it's done so as a reader I wonder, how long will I have to wait? From the opening story Robert was a bit of a coward who was willing to get in trouble to help some innocents out, but as ghost pointed out there everyone around him would have probably been willing to do the same thing. Hell they probably would have covered his ass afterwards so while he did the right thing, I don't see him as some sort of hero in tough circumstances.

I don't entirely know what you should do. I feel that you should take some of ghosts suggestions, rewrite some of the opening and maybe go into more depth on him. Get a person who's knowledgeable about the military (I know all you military Bronies are out there:pinkiehappy:), clear up the inconsistencies, walk us more through his though processes early on. Make us really feel for this guy that he's just totally in over his head. You did good with the family bit but we need to understand Robert more. Why should I care about him as a protagonist? Why should I be understanding of his circumstances? Everyone wants to get back to his family, what makes him uniquely so?

There is no 'hate' here and you shouldn't be worried if it is. If you think I have a point and can improve yourself from the points I make go for it. If I seem to be some idiot who doesn't know what they're talking about then move on. Don't take criticisms personally, harsh or gentle, because they are the best ways for you to improve as a writer. I'm not saying give up, or start over, I'm just trying to point out the uphill battle you've chosen with how you've set it up for better or worse.

edit: Cleared up a couple of things. Hmmm, not sure if I like how this turned out but, meh that's enough for a post.

Kill ALL the Equestrians >:D

For some reason... This chapter made me SMILE.

Aww yeaaa, Incoming "boom headshots" amirite? no? k :trixieshiftleft:

Cheers
~iraqlobstah

Login or register to comment