61w, 4dUK Bronies
With a loud splutter, the TARDIS materialised first upside down, then on its side, then curved four-dimensionally through eight-dimensional non-Euclidean space, then finally came into appropriate being on the ground. Its usual whirring vworp vworp sounded rather more like a rather like a constipated donkey that had just been speared through the larynx.
It had started off so well. Or reasonably well, anyway. They'd been through the whole, "It's bigger on the inside" routine, then the whole "witty banter while pressing buttons" routine, and then the whole "oh let's see where we'll go next" routine, except it then came to Applejack, the Doctor, Rainbow Dash and Derpy Hooves' attention that they had to sit down and discuss exactly why they were each now a form of mammal common to a planet that existed light years away from the former planet Equestria.
After sitting down and talking about it for five, maybe six minutes, they then decided it was rather not worth talking about, not least because Rainbow Dash insisted she was really rather beginning to enjoy ankles that didn't end halfway up her back legs. Even if she couldn't fly, she had come to the reasoning that running was better than nothing. She had, therefore, requested to be taken to a big field where she could do a lot of running.
The TARDIS had decided not to oblige. Either it was still hiccupy from having had to take in and burp back up two hitchhikers, or it was suddenly running a no-shirt-no-shoes-no-service policy (and Rainbow Dash was distinctly shoeless), but for some reason it had decided a nice big field wasn't the place it had wanted to go and had instead taken a detour that, incidentally, landed it just ten minutes' walk away from the old café.
The four emerged from the box, rather confused and slightly disturbed about having been phased four-dimensionally through space that they were rather unaccustomed to inhabiting, and glanced around in a daze.
They were in a big hall.
Right, that was the first detail.
It was a big hall and there were lots of little stalls everywhere.
That was the second detail.
It was a big hall, there were lots of little stalls everywhere, and there seemed to be a lot of people in strange clothing around.
And that was the third detail.
A man in a shirt reading, "THIS SHIRT JUST GOT 20 PER CENT COOLER" in rainbow-coloured lettering asked the four for a photograph, and the four awkwardly and confusedly bundled in for a picture. Then he thanked them and walked away. The four watched him walk away, eyebrows slightly furrowed or raised, depending. There was a long pause.
"Where the hay are we?" asked Applejack, finally.
"I have no...idea..." the Doctor uttered, taking out his screwdriver and changing a few settings on it. When this didn't work, he decided to go with the old-fashioned discipline of just talking to people, and walked up to a man in a tweed jacket and a bow-tie.
"Um, hello," he said.
"Oh, hey, nice costume," the man replied. "You look just like the real thing!"
The Doctor was rather taken aback, but shook off the remark. "Um, thank you. Could you be so kind as to tell us where we are?"
"Oh, this? This is the - " was all the man got out before a rather large woman jumped on him and gave him a heavy embrace. The man stood up. "Sorry, got to go. You know glompers, right?"
The Doctor shook his head, the man shrugged, dusted himself off, helped the woman up and then continued on his merry way.
"What the heck just happened?" Derpy finally said, after a long period of silence. She said this not only because something surreal had just taken place, but also because her golden lazy eyes had been having trouble focusing on the ordeal. There was a lot of chatter in the air, from people talking to other people, some in costumes, some not. It was all very surreal.
Then Rainbow Dash suddenly turned, and began to walk very, very slowly across the room towards something she had seen.
Nobody quite understood what she was looking at at first. But then they saw it. It was very, very bizarre. A stall, of course. She was looking at it with a mix of utter horror and confusion.
The stall was lined with boxes. A young girl of maybe twenty or so years sat there with a smile on her face, the kind of cheerful smile associated with that one, jolly, constantly-happy person who wouldn't cry unless something truly terrible happened. You know the one. The one that cynics tend to mock for being so cheerful all the time despite the fact two in three people will die of a genetically-inherited disease. That kind of person.
But that wasn't what Rainbow Dash was staring so intently at.
There was a sign attached to the stall.
It said, in bright pink, friendly letters, the words, "My Little Pony", the word "My" inhabiting a small love-heart, the words "Little Pony" adorned by a pink-and-purple rainbow. Underneath this was a shape somewhat like a halved, deformed apple. Inside was some white, perhaps less friendly, though still amicable text, that spelled the words, "Friendship is Magic".
But that wasn't what Rainbow Dash was staring so intently at, either.
What Rainbow Dash was staring so intently at was an object, just in front of the girl. It was small. It was blue. It had a multi-coloured mane. Its lips appeared puckered, its eyes cartoonish and pronounced. The back portion of the object had a lightning-bolt adorning it.
It was a model of herself.
She finally arrived at the stall. The young woman smiled. "Oh wow, I love your costume!" she muttered. "The wig looks so real – no, wait...is that a dye job?"
Rainbow Dash blinked. She picked up the small figurine. "Uh, what is this?" she asked.
"Well, it's a My Little Pony toy," the girl said, her smile unfaltering. "I was pretty sure that you'd know that."
"What the hay is My Little Pony?"
"Well, surely you've heard of it? You're dressed as Rainbow Dash, for Pete's sake."
"Dressed as – " Rainbow Dash gurgled. She studied a few cut-outs around the edge of the stall. Sure enough, there were several two-dimensional, colourful images of her friends in a variety of poses.
"Okay, this is weird."
"You sound just like Ashleigh Bell, do you know that?" the girl asked, cheerfully.
There was no answer, however. By this point, Rainbow Dash had fallen to the floor, gibbering to herself.
As we learned about three chapters, or thirteen-thousand seven-hundred and seventeen words ago, Equestria has now been completely and thoroughly destroyed by a terrible and stupid triumph by the laws of physics over those silly enough to try and control the slippery things. Reduced to mere molecules, the planet, and every unfortunate soul still left standing on it when it suddenly collapsed, is now completely and thoroughly dead, because the chronicler is a completely heartless bastard.
The planet's remains had split off into various vapours. The iron-rich core ripped itself to shreds and sent spears of searing, semi-solid iron through the surface. It is best left to the imagination as to what happened to people in cities when this happened. The crust simply tore itself up like old lino, with the atmosphere dissipating away into deep space and the crust itself turning to dust.
The water on Equestria's surface was mostly vaporised by the intense heat generated in the planet's final moments. Nobody was actually able to see it, but for a brief moment Equestria resembled a star before its light was instantly silenced. A few million light years away and a few million years into the future, a young astronomer on a distant planet would in fact see this anomaly and write a very good thesis on it that earned him the most prestigious science award on his planet, on the same night he got run over by a piece of heavy, lumbering transport, dying in excruciating agony. But that's not relevant, so let's move on.
The difficult part to talk about is, of course, what happened to life on the planet. Well, to put it lightly, those who were not burned alive or crushed to death were vaporised into their component atoms. They instantly became shapeless whiffs of various compounds, water, carbon dioxide, and the like, with some self-regenerating organic molecules thrown in for good measure. They collected into large, dark-looking clouds, a kind of morbid space-graveyard.
Floating in the midst of this was something rather strange. It was the only material object for several million miles. It glinted in the light of Equestria's star, now finally beginning to move and have things orbiting it of its own power. It span in an almost ballet-like manner, floating in the empty silence of space.
It was a pair of sunglasses.
They had a sort of bluish-purple tint, though they were cracked and scratched from what they had been through, debris they'd crashed into. The legs of the glasses opened and closed silently in space. The plastic around the rims was worn and tired-looking, and the glasses seemed to look rather forlorn without their owner. Quietly, they made their sad, silent journey through space.
"...and that's pretty much why I'm here!" Pinkie Pie explained, trotting gleefully down a cave without a sense of direction or purpose, a starving Rarity and a rather disjointed Spike in tow. Pinkie Pie's explanation was a long and rambling one that contained more tangents than a Dane Cook joke performed on cocaine, but really, the explanation was this:
She had no idea how she was there, but seemed to think that was a sufficient reason in itself for her being there. She explained how she had suddenly appeared on the ceiling and it had taken her two hours to realise gravity still existed. Then she started telling some stories about frogs, which was a bit weird, before returning to the topic of why exactly she had chosen to appear right there on the spot. And again, she had no idea.
Rarity lost interest at some point during some anecdote about frog mating rituals and their relation to toast and how burnt it comes out of the toaster, and started looking at Pinkie Pie's saddlebag as if it were a large cut of beef, like in the old cartoons. Except here this should be terrifying, because as we all know, equine creatures are by nature vegetarian. Rarity was famished.
"So, uh, Pinkie Pie...where are we going?" Spike managed to force out during a long story about this one time she saw someone lick some icing off a cake in the bakery and she let them keep the cupcake but not without paying twice the amount for it and then went on to explain why this was a good business venture in excruciatingly lengthy detail.
"Oh, well, you see, there should be an extra-large cavern somewhere around here where I think they have food."
"Food?" Rarity's head snapped up. "Did somepony say food?"
"Ooh, ooh, and water, too!"
"Wait, what do you mean by 'they'?" Spike asked, recalling a book he read about an alien invasion of Equestria he read in the library once late at night even though Twilight told him not to.
He shook his head of the thought as the three turned various corners. These caverns were starting to feel weird now. Not nice like they had been. Not delicious. Almost menacing. Sparkling light kept disappearing from corners as they went deeper, translucent crystals dimming and obscuring each other. It was then he realised that these caverns did not have to be beautiful for him. The Universe did not have to conform to what he wanted.
Pinkie Pie still gleefully hopped along, the joints in her legs making a quaint dwee sound only someone from every single dimension at once could pull off. She seemed blissfully unaware that anything could possibly be wrong. Suddenly, something crossed Rarity's mind.
"Um, Pinkie Pie, dear, what exactly happened to get us here? I seem to recall you running out into the courtyard and everything suddenly going black."
"Oh yeah, Equestria blew up!" Pinkie Pie said, without losing a hint of cheer or happiness.
Rarity and Spike stopped and looked at each other, then said, in unison, "What."
"Yep, everything burst into flames and the whole planet shattered into a million teeny-weeny little pieces."
Pinkie Pie had an unnervingly cheerful tone to her voice. Her smile never left her face.
"You mean...Equestria...just...blew up...?" Spike asked, trying desperately to force out his astonishment. "The...whole planet? Boom? Gone?"
"Yep! So we're now several million miles away from home on Polaris V. But don't worry, Fluttershy is okay. Oh, and Derpy!"
"But what about Sweetie Belle, and Opalescence?" Rarity asked.
"Don't be silly, they blew up too," Pinkie Pie said, with the kind of heartless recklessness that would make someone in their right mind punch her across the nose. Rarity was not in the right state of mind, and resolved to whimpering. "Yep," Pinkie Pie continued, cheerfully. "Everyone is dead. Everyone. Apart from Fluttershy and Derpy."
Spike felt a mix of anger and concern. Anger because he couldn't fathom why Pinkie Pie would be so cruel to Rarity and show absolutely no signs of grief to the fact all her friends and family were dead. And concern for not only Rarity's mental health now that she'd learned this, but also Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie was random and silly, sure, but she knew when there was a right time to be happy. This was not it. She seemed...different. Almost...uncanny.
"This way!" Pinkie Pie said, happily, uncaringly.
Spike was left speechless. He was disgusted. How anyone could be so vile and completely apathetic to the deaths of millions of people was simply infuriating. Even as a dragon, he knew morals when he saw them, and by Celestia was she being disrespectful. He stalked after her, with a claw placed lightly on Rarity's neck as she sobbed quietly.
Finally, Pinkie Pie leapt down a hole. It was strange, actually, as no other place in the cave suddenly dropped like that. In the left-hand side of one of the caverns was a hole carved in between the floor and the left wall, and seemed to drop with a sudden slope. Spike and Rarity followed. Now this was bizarre. It was actually dark down here. There was light in the caves, but here, it was actually dark. Had they gone deep enough that even light could not penetrate? The answer was, no, they'd reached the base rock from which the crystal caves rose out.
Still, Rarity and Spike felt apprehension as the cheery pink pony faded into the black of the cave. Spike feared that he was going mad. He could hear...voices.
So I hear that Equestria's gone.
Bummer, man, you think she's heard yet?
No, but nobody wants to say because...
Then, suddenly, he felt the ground shake and his body flying. He twisted through the air as a loud sound suddenly erupted throughout the room. The sound was this:
"HELLOOOOO POLARIS V! ARE YOU READY?!"
The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the subject of Hyper-Spatial Dubstep: Wear protection. Dubstep, a musical genre originating in the B!!!!!!!! (where '!' is a loud, guttural 'WUBWUBWUB' sound repeated over and over again) race of Paxaflonaxis, originates in a form of communication and singing utilised by B!!!!!!!!ans for many centuries. Thought to be by many the absolute pinnacle of their culture, when the scientists of Paxaflonaxis invented the time-probe, they decided to beam some of their music across all of space and time.
The effect of this was of course that the distinctive sound of dubstep was implanted into the racial memories of literally billions of species throughout space and time. As such, the genre, which usually utilises head-bobbing beats and ear-shatteringly loud electronic bass instruments, is now thought to be a universal form of communication between all sentient races. It's no coincidence that the phrase "drop the bass", usually said in a deep voice, for whatever reason, is recognisable to over 1000 civilisations in the Milky Way Galaxy alone.
Hyper-Spatial Dubstep, however, takes this a bit further. While regular dubstep permeates all three dimensions with its heavy sound, Hyper-Spatial Dubstep, invented by a young fellow named Xell from a distant planet known affectionately as Irks, actually breaks the barrier between the third and fourth dimensions, permeating that dimension as well. This, of course, renders the musical both inaudible and audible at the same time, with the effect that to protect itself, the brain, in most carbon-based life, releases ridiculous amounts of endorphins and dopamine, in order to stop itself going completely bonkers (though it usually does anyway, for giggles). As such, listening to such music is an extremely enjoyable experience, especially when played at high volumes.
It's thought that once the scientists of Paxaflonaxis learn of this, they will demand compensation for trillions of years of copyright infringement, and at the time of writing, ships are currently in talks to be mobilised back in time so as to destroy everyone on Paxaflonaxis just moments after they send their message out in the first place.
When Spike regained consciousness, all he could hear was what only be described as a piece of heavy machinery experiencing a bowel movement while simultaneously experiencing childbirth. Loud, metallic screeches were underlaid with grunting, guttural, vibrating noises. Yet, for some reason, he felt quite happy. Care-free, in fact. As if the fact his home was now gone and the fact Twilight was probably dead didn't even matter.
He could hear Rarity giggling to herself, and he couldn't help but join in. This is fun, he thought, as he stared up at the ceiling, then rolled over to the stage to see DJ Pon-3 on stage. Yes, this was lovely, just laying here and WHAT.
His eyes suddenly snapped onto the stage again. A pony, a white pony, with a quaver note on her flank, stood surrounded with electronic devices and speakers, furiously spinning records and pushing buttons and changing dials, all while smiling manically. This was not of the ordinary for her. What was, of course, out of the ordinary for her was the fact she was several million miles from home – or where home had once been.
His eyes fell to Pinkie Pie. She was standing with a tape recorder, obviously bootlegging the performance.
"Pinkie Pie," Spike managed to force out. "Why is DJ Pon-3 several million miles away from home with us?"
"Beats me," Pinkie Pie shrugged, then shushing him as she continued to record the performance.
Spike collapsed into a heap. He didn't even care why DJ Pon-3 was there. Probably some convoluted plot device in the book of his life that made no sense because whoever was chronicling it ran out of ideas.
How right he was.