My my, I love Sparity and am quite fond of Twi/Spike. Time to see if this is a gem in hiding...

Try and break up the paragraphs a bit more. Right now, especially at the beginning, it looks like a wall of text.

This has potential. I can't wait to see how everything unfolds!

Lovely! Keep it up InkBlot ^-^

Can't quite put my finger on it, but this story could use a little polishing up. Don't get me wrong, I love your premise and can't wait to see how you develope this little love triangle you plan on presenting. Keep up the good work.

First one to paint on the virgin canvas? Honored, I am. (Until somebody beats me to the first post with a one-sentence comment. )

I want to say, right now, above all else: I know who you are; I can pick up on it in every line of text above. You are the kind of person who is using this place as a medium to hone their craft and doing it in a way that is beneficial for you, and I absolutely applaud you--there aren't enough serious people around here. Or, actually, maybe that's why I secretly love this place... Gemstones are rarities because there are so few, and if we keep wishing for more, then the value decreases, doesn't it? Better to dig through trash and finally find a golden egg after all than to look through all the golden eggs in the clearance bin for the shiniest one.

You are going to be an amazing writer if you stick to the craft. I am calling it now--you will wrap readers in your words like a mother tucking in a child and bring them all the way to Dreamland. God, there's not even really anything HAPPENING yet in this chapter, and you did make mistakes here and there, but the quality shines through, and definitely your love of this and the effort. I can tell you love writing, too--nothing this carefully and warmly crafted was just shot out to see if the fish are biting and check to see if you have any merit at fishing.

I'm going to give you the full Inky analysis, alright? You asked for constructive criticism, and because you have intense potential and are serious, I will provide it.

1. I noticed that you opted for a medium-ranged third-person omniscient point of view. You narrate as a... something (I don't know what to call 3rd-POV)... and have selected the option of channeling the thoughts, emotions, and feelings of the characters involved. This is a good choice, because it gives you excellent ground to run on; you can stand fifty feet back and be entirely objective, letting the readers fill in the blanks, or you can get closer and pick up "radio signals" from the actual characters. There is a definite range with this, keep in mind--you can stand back and NOT pick up on those things, you can be close enough to get a reading and translate what you're reading off of them for the audience, like a bilingual translator, or you can stand closely, within their immediate proximity, directly channeling with a bit of 3rd-POV narration mixed in. Obviously, you selected the bilingual shot, and while that does provide a nice feeling of watching a scene through a window when done well, it's got it flaws.

   Specifically, the "bilingual translation" sort of thing disables you from doing a lot of showing. I noticed that you ended up using quite a fair amount of telling. I'll provide an example:

   "Being around Spike always made Twilight smile, perhaps it was the fact that she had raised him or maybe it was deep seeded relationship that had grown between the two over the past years, either way she saw him as her closest and dearest friend. Twilight felt in her heart that she could only grow closer to the little dragon what with her caring instincts and his tendency to get himself wrapped up into all kinds of trouble, not to mention his adorable naivete."

   Now, in this instance, you have told how Twilight feels, and also used third-person narration to translate what it is she's feeling and why it may be. It's all well and good to have noticed you could stop there to pry into her mind a bit and let the good stuff out, but you've actually just skimmed the surface. Let me ask you this: If I told you I had a deep-seeded relationship with someone, and I could show you the scenes in my memory or give you anecdotes about times in which that powerful tie showed instead of telling you, but just said it anyway, would I have really convinced you? I can say how awesome a movie is, or I can show you the trailer and prove why I think that.

   You're going to have a loooong, hard battle sometimes figuring out when to tell or narrate a memory or a series of actions occurring in the present to show a reader, but believe me, it gets a much better result when you put in the effort to put on a show. Obviously, it would've taken much more than one paragraph to show the reader, and maybe this wasn't the time to step into Twilight's memory bank, but it is an example of the kind of opportunity you have to look for. So, that's constructive criticism point one.

2) Breaking up paragraphs works wonders on readers. It's psychological, you see: when someone notices that there's only a 'small bit' of text, they'll read it, because there isn't a chore. And then, there's  another 'small bit' that they'll look at and say, "Why not?" and read it, too. This method of thinking--small effort, easy reward--is prevalent in "page turners." If you've ever wondered how it is author James Patterson is so successful,  you now know the reason; James Patterson's chapters are limited to around four to ten pages each. I have even seen chapters in his novels that were two pages long.

   It can be difficult to discern when you need to switch gears, because teachers have always proposed that if it's relevant to what you're saying, it stays with the current paragraph. Well, I'm saying it's okay to add a new paragraph, because if you have a new thought that's relevant to what you just said, it's sitll a new thought, and it's perfectly acceptable to give it its own room to live in. Big blocks of text intimidate readers, even when your prose is wonderful.

3) That's actually something I need to PRAISE you  IMMENSELY for, by the way: your prose. It is such a huge, huge mistake novices make in overdecorating their descriptions on things or just not doing it at all, but you've found an awesome middle-ground. Not too much, not too little, and it had just the right senses and meanings to make me smile and feel good or sympathize with the characters. Excellent job on that; while there is more to learn with it, you've got a natural pulse on that, and believe me, if you're ahead of the game with your prose, you are not only in the race, but in the top slot of runners. So, so many mistakes with purple or beige prose with writers...

4) Finally, while I love how much you love emotional moments and opportunities to pull emotions out of the air and decorate a scene with them for a bit of flair or taste, it's another case where you have to pick your battles. A piece of written work is like a human body: you have muscles, which are the main parts of the story that must be there and make things move, cause things to happen; you have fat, as well, which are the things that don't exactly cause the story's action to move, but do aid the muscles by supplying them with nutrients in-between work and also providing an aesthetic layer for those looking at the body. Too much fat (feelings and emotions and memories slid into the narrative) causes obesity, and you'll never see the muscle and too much fat.

I could keep teaching you, grasshopper, but I feel you've got the gist.  Remember, you have talent, kid, that's for sure--but like Han Solo said, "Great! Don't get cocky!" You're hundreds of feet ahead of a lot of other boobs around, but as long as you're on the track, you're still racing, and if you don't pick up the pace, others will catch up. And I want to see the natural-born runners who love it win the races, you know?

Do some more research, keep reading, take notes, and do keep writing.

Am I the only Human that supports SpikeBloom?

My two favourite shippings in one. Goodie.

>>10963621096362 I support it love me some Spike shipping Spikebloom is first on my list.

>>10966741096674

My only issue with this is that:

1) I practically had to decipher what you were saying sometimes... But then again I should probably read a dictionary every now and then..

2) I understand the usual format for writing, but breaking up the paragraphs wouldn't hurt.. Helps readers keep up with whats going on, and makes them more apt to read it..

Aside from that. Great Job!

A love triangle, with Spike in the center?

*tracked*

I like were this is going.

I only have two bits of advice for you on the fic. First, space out each indented paragraph; it makes it easier to read, especially for those of us with poorer eyesight.

And second, you use significant amounts of powerful/flashy language. This is not necessarily a bad thing; I personally love it and am used to it. However, excessive use of flowery language can scare off early readers, so you may wish to avoid it to a degree.

Other than that, I would only suggest running this thing through a spelling and grammar check on Word, due to some errors early in the chapter.

>>10971261097126 I think that the flashy words are to attract a certain audience. I'm sure doesn't want to just attract any one or maybe he was in a bundle of nerves and smacked the keyboard like a moron XD Either way!

>>10972241097224 They could be intended that way, but setting a niche for yourself early can hamper start-up progress.

bit at rarity's emphasis

Capitalize Rarity.

Not bad, I don't nesscarily love your choice of descriptive words, but I can certainly see the reason for the choice.

There's only one reasonable solution to this problem. Spike gets both of these beautiful Unicorns!

I like it a lot. Please write more soon! I like to see how love works. It's an absolute amazing thing and works wonders. Especially in fanfictions.

>>10983201098320

Note: >>10973091097309 speaks the truth.

Oh, and I'm iffy regarding SpikeBloom. I'll still totally read it, but I am excited for this story.

Also: You can quote numerous people in the same post.

>>10983331098333

Great! I'm definitely excited to read more of your fanfictions!

>>10983221098322 Scottish, you say?

Image: http://c.cslacker.com/4689l.jpg

Oh screeching hellfire, I obviously made critical errors in replying to comments. I'll get right to work on that.

I'm not big on Twilight-Spike shipping

That's be like dating your mom

Still, it has Sparity so I'll give it a read when there's more chapters uploaded.

>>10962691096269 Mister, and or Missus, Inky Swirl, you have brought me nigh to tears with that amazing passage, it truly was beautiful.

>>10972241097224 I am always a bundle of nerves!

>>10973091097309 I'm a little tempted to have that happen, but I'll save the idea for a rainy day. I'm glad this caught your eye.

>>11022691102269 Hopefully I can write it well enough so you can like it just as much as the Sparity in this fic, good luck to both of us! Woo!

To anyone I didn't reply to, thank you for the support. Reply comment mark three is go!

>>11050271105027 Oh darlin' don't be so nervous X3

OH MAI LORD!! WRITE MORE OR I WILL DIE D:

>>10963621096362 Nope your not, hell I like Spike being with any of the CMC (more so Sweetie Belle though, due to her being my favorite)  but now onto the story.....A SPILIGHT? ARE YOU BUCKING KIDDING ME? YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.......thank you my dear good sire/madam seriously thank you, now even though I am aware this is tied in with the pairing I despise more then life, your writing is your own, nevertheles you can count on my honest and very loyal support from here on out my friend, and you did not caplize Rarity's name a few times but things happen so it's all good...my only problem is the fact that there is a very large wall of text that makes it very hard to read, I really hope you can seprate the pargraphs once in a while my friend, you ever need any help, ideas or advice, I got your back, peace.

>>10973091097309 For once, or is it twice now?....we agree.

>>10966741096674 *Brohoof for SpikeBloom*

Alright, in all honestly the only reason I read this very perfectly detailed chapter that was crafted by angels was because it's mixed in with the story....if this did not have Spilight then to be truthful I would not read it, but I seriously enjoy your writing and for Spilight (and ONLY for Spilight) will I read a story with Spike/Rarity......I mean sure, I'll be completely trying to shove the pairing out of my mind 100% but I will read the story nonetheless....on to the next chapter if you will, Ink.

Also, again with making sure to seprate pargraphs....very important my friend, also you have an error with not caplizing Rarity's name once more...but it's all chill.

You might want to try more showing rather than telling in your writing. For example, you do these kind of sentences a lot: ''Spike told devilish jokes which we're hilarious and Twilight/Rarity giggled a lot''. That is telling. Showing would be to describe the scenes. Actually go into them. Describe Spike telling the joke, what he thinks/feels/etc. how Twilight/Rarity reacts to it and so on. That's my two bits of constructive criticism. For a first story this isn't bad at all though! I just hope he's gonna end up with Twilight

D'aww..Can't wait for more of this :3

>>11050271105027

As long as you're serious in your endeavors, I shall be helpful and supportive. All hail the legitimate!

I JUST noticed you added a second chapter. This time, I'm going to read it with commentary to help you along. And if any of y'all commentators got a problem, well... Just siddown and take a lesson, I guess. Or scroll past me. Eat a muffin and read a book.

"A responsibility of some sort can always stand as a staple of sanity for anypony who feels to lack purpose, whether it be the responsibilities of controlling celestial bodies or assisting with a menial chore, it brings with it the sense that a task has been completed that somepony can benefit from. Perhaps this is why Spike rolled a small, red wagon along a dirt path that led to a clearing just west of the Everfree forest, a scaly grin never leaving his snout."

Started with a truth--cool stuff, something plenty of writers do, especially when it directly applies to the narration they're about to convey next. One LITTLE thing, though:

A responsibility of some sort can always stand as a staple of sanity for anypony who feels to lack purpose, whether it be the responsibilities of controlling celestial bodies or assisting with a menial chore, it brings with it the sense that a task has been completed that somepony can benefit from.

Right there--you combined two different ideas into one sentence. While the ideas may be related, you are combining two different thoughts together instead of connecting them. Idea one: A responsibility of some sort can always stand as a staple of sanity for anypony who feels to lack purpose. That is a singular idea, which you're about to expand on. So, really, you would put a period. Maybe.

Idea two: Whether it be the responsibilities of controlling celestial bodies or assisting with a menial chore, it brings with it the sense that a task has been completed that somepony can benefit from. See, this could stand as its own sentence, except for the the "it brings," because by using "it," you're referring to "a responsibility of some sort," which you left in the previous sentence, and you can't have a sentence referring to a subject missing from the sentence. So, if you wished, you could, instead, use a semicolon (;) to combine these two ideas into a proper grammatical medium. Now, you have made:

A responsibility of some sort can always stand as a staple of sanity for anypony who feels to lack purpose; whether it be the responsibilities of controlling celestial bodies or assisting with a menial chore, it brings with it the sense that a task has been completed that somepony can benefit from. Perhaps this is why Spike rolled a small, red wagon along a dirt path that led to a clearing just west of the Everfree forest, a scaly grin never leaving his snout.

Awesome. Now, for the positive: I love the statement I just bolded in the above; the only thing I would pick on is the wording, "never leaving his snout." It could be "a scaly grin stuck firmly to his snout" or something like that. It's not that what you have is improper, it could be just my own reaction.

"Or perhaps, at least in a more likely sense, it was because he walked alongside the mare of his dreams. He and Rarity had left Twilight at the cafe with nary a second glance and had begun their walk shortly after, both of them smiling and making the idle conversation that can only pass between two beings that have found a certain comfort in one another. Spike had felt a tinge of guilt after he jogged away from their once shared table, but an opportunity with Rarity was just too good to pass up."

Wow--those first two sentences slayed me. Love 'em. Now, something I wanted to point out, just to confirm something you may or may not have acknowledged:

Spike had felt a tinge of guilt after he jogged away from their once shared table, but an opportunity with Rarity was just too good to pass up.

An ordinary boob would have said, "What's Spike's guilt gotta do with passin' up an opportunity with Rarity?" Well, good question, ordinary boobs! The answer would be that sentence context alerts us that the opportunity to be with Rarity decreases the pressure of Spike's guilt after "jogging away," so we really don't need something added on, like, "as she was the most wonderful mare ever and he loved her so much lol roflcakes." We get that Spike enjoys time with Rarity because of his previous actions (characterization) and because he *had* felt a tinge of guilt, but... an opportunity with Rarity, you know? This is just my saying that you instinctively knew that there was something to be read from the context for readers to interpret without you having to state the obvious, which is a novice mistake; many beginning writers unconsciously assume they have to explain everything to readers and therefore do allll the thinking for them. And what happens when someone does all the thinking for you? You don't think about something at all. And interest fades. So, good job on cutting that narration-explanation where it needed to end.

"She laughed at his devilish jokes and carried herself with a pristine beauty that Spike could barely seem to see polished to such perfection even in the innermost circles of Canterlot. It was a grace that called attention without making the slightest effort, Spike began losing himself in Rarity's presence even as a voice reached out to try and pull him from his amorous daydreams."

... Because you give us the reasons why an opportunity with Rarity is too good to pass up by using thought-channeling narration, anyway. You didn't use "because" or "due to" or some other transitory explanation phrase--you just picked up on Spike's thought and ran them through the third-person filter, which is exactly what you ought to have done. Awesome. Now, there's only two lil' problems with that passage.

"She laughed at his devilish jokes and carried herself with a pristine beauty that Spike could barely seem to see polished to such perfection even in the innermost circles of Canterlot. It was a grace that called attention without making the slightest effort, Spike began losing himself in Rarity's presence even as a voice reached out to try and pull him from his amorous daydreams."

Spike doesn't talk like that.

Now, I know you felt it was a great way of putting things, and it was! ... Just not if you're using Spike's own thoughts. Now, here's the thing--you could be running his EMOTIONS through YOUR narration filter, which would denote vocabulary like that which I've put in boldface above. If you continue to narrate in this way, readers will quickly come to know where your camera distance is: close enough to pick up emotions, but not verbatim thoughts and opinions; we get how Spike feels, but his feelings are translated through your words. Occasionally, you might end up slipping in some italics that contain exact thoughts from characters' heads, but if you keep your distance as it is now, we'll be all set.

Second thing:

"It was a grace that called attention without making the slightest effort, Spike began losing himself in Rarity's presence even as a voice reached out to try and pull him from his amorous daydreams."

Where that boldface is lies the legitimate problem. Can you guess what it is without my saying so yet? I'll give you a few seconds.

....

(It's the comma.)

You were making another point about what kinds of qualities enamors Spike, but suddenly switched gears into how it affects him. I know what you were doing, though (I think)--you were demonstrating how Rarity's grace can lure someone in without the slightest effort, because it's already happening to Spike even as she's trying to speak to him. I understand the connection; the method of connection itself was the mistake.

"It was a grace that called attention without making the slightest effort. (Period) Spike began losing himself in Rarity's presence even as a voice reached out to try and pull him from his amorous daydreams."

Ahhh, but now we have a new problem, don't we? I won't make you wait this time--it's the first sentence. "It" was a "grace that called attention." Now, looking at the whole passage, you might think it's referencing her "pristine beauty," but now, you're describing her beauty twice by defining it as a grace, too... when really, all you're trying to describe is the grace. A corrected sentence may look something like this:

Her grace called attention without making the slightest effort.

Hmmm.... but a grace can't make efforts, can it?

So refined was her grace that it called attention without the slightest effort on her behalf.

Boom--we know how strong the grace is, how effortless it was, and we know why it was effortless because it's been refined. How do we know it's been refined? Check the previous sentence about the rest of her awesome qualities. And, if you don't take those words for it, check out Spike, who's slipping into her grace already without even realizing it in the next sentence; he isn't even distracted by the voice trying to pull him out of his amorous daydreams!

Wait... the voice is trying to pull him out? Don't you mean something a little more like...

"... even as a voice attempted to pierce his amorous daydreams. (?)

If you wish to go with the whole personification thing of Rarity's voice, you could leave it as-is, or even combine "reached out" with "to pierce." It just seemed a little artsy, that's all.

I realize this post is getting long. If you want any more extensive screening, send me a message. I'll give you another comment on my brief opinion of this chapter when I'm finished up. Back to reading.

Alright, all set. FIRST OFF:

He remembered the touch of her hoof against his muzzle, a gentle brush of silk that held his feelings behind his fangs, and how she gave him the kindest smile he had ever seen. That smile, that beautiful sight that gave Spike the ability to die happy at such a young age.

Holy cow, man! I took that bullet straight to the heart. First, it made me realize, "Hooves... Those hooves are so soft ." You made me actually stop and feel that for a second, visualize it and everything, which is fantastic. And, secondly, that "smile, that beautiful sight that gave Spike the ability to die happy at such a young age"? Wow, man... if you wanted me to realize how much this little guy loves her, you frigging did it. In one sentence. (A lot of the time, that's all it takes.)

In fact, you have such an intensity in emotion all throughout this piece that I completely understand where you must be while you're writing: the Zone. It's that place where you're at the keyboard, banging away, not thinking about anything, because you're just fricking feeling it--you get what it's like to be in another world, because when you're writing, you ARE in another world, and God help the imbeciles who dare try to pull you out. Emotions, feelings, thoughts, sensations all around.... it's whirling around inside of you, and your writing shows it. THAT is a telltale sign, my friend.

My only criticism in bulk (besides a penchant for misplacing commas) is that your power may get the best of you. You are so far ahead of people who don't understand detail, but your love for it gets a little excessive here and there--there's just some detailing that isn't fully working or doesn't need to be there. These tidbits are called "darlings," because they're pretty and you love them. Darlings are dandelions.

You must kill your darlings, because too many will destroy the garden. I'm not saying go anorexic on description--I would be pissed if you held back entirely!--but do recognize that with great power comes responsibility. Some spots need a slashing, as pretty as the descriptions might be, and others just need alterations.

In a nutshell: Your description kicks ass, but don't go on such an ass-kicking fury that you end up hurting bystanders. Y'know what I mean, bro?

We'll talk more later. Keep writing, keep reading, take notes, take care.

>>11076321107632 I will, I will, just don't die on me.

>>11081601108160 I'm glad you like it and are opening your harbors to more ships (aren't I just hilarious?) Keep reading and I shall appease your need for Spilight

>>11106291110629 Inky, I think your comments are a main support I have when writing this. After I posted it up I thought to myself, "What will Inky say about this chapter?" I love all the support you've given my story and the constructive criticism is a blessing I had no idea I would ever receive. As always your comments have brought happy-tears to my eyes. See you next chapter, space cowpony.

Well I'll be damned ,  isn't this a great story.

In all honesty though , the way you deliver the emotions in this story is perfection. You can actually feel the drama each character is expierencing.  Probably one of the best beginnings to a story I've reads in a while. Really enjoying this so far, excited for more.

I'm gona guess that Spike's gona come home all sad and Twilight's gona console him. Form there, she might hint Spike of her own feelings.

Rarity heard and Spike doesn't know, ohh . . . now things are getting interesting.

Can't wait for the next scene with Twi.

>>11137451113745 Don't ask for the impossible, darlin'. X3

>>11146051114605 Thank you for all the praise, but I divulge nothing! I go!

>>11146491114649 That was my favorite part to write in this chapter, I loved it so much when i thought it up that I actually got a little irritated that all of those other paragraphs tried to hold me from writing that beautiful scene. The next chapter will be up soon, be prepared for... for whatever will happen!

Like it... Like it... LOVE IT!!! Let there be moar!

>>11368111136811 There shall be more!

So many adorable kisses!!

Buck yes, buck yes, buck yes, buck yes....BBBUBBBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS.......BUCK YES, BUCK YES, BUCK YYYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS........GO SPILIGHT NOW AND FOREVER MORE!

Onto the next on, Ink.

Wow, I really love the scenes between Twilight and Spike here.  The shoe is on the other foot now on who's protecting who.  It will be interesting to see Rarity's next step.

I can tell you really value Twi/Spike for the hurt and comfort aspect it can bring.

One thing though, the way she coddles Spike and with the family history they are shown to have here, can she really see Spike as something more than what she use too?

NNNNNNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEE!!!

Now if you excuse me I need my diabetes medication.  

>>11369881136988 There's that fluff you asked for

>>11370411137041 I SHALL JOIN THIS MERRIMENT! BUCK YES!

>>11390841139084 Chapters, there shall be many. Emotions, they shall flare and collide as time goes on. Feels, we shall all experience them. I go.

>>11400481140048 It's so cute all of my fans are going to die!

>>11402521140252 You and I are going to get along real well my friend.

A Sparity chapter juxtaposed with a TwiSpike chapter. Oddly enough, I enjoyed the warm feelings and affection in this chapter more than the previous, even though it's clear that Rarity's love for Spike is romantic while Twilight's is a little more familial. Or is it? Can't wait to see how this pans out.

While reading this, I was listening to my Scream playlist of Marco Beltrami scores, and Dewey's Theme (which is technically Dewey and Gale's theme) came up when Twilight noticed Spike had come home crying. I felt it was perfect.