Hmm, OC shipping. I shall have a read, but I have mixed feelings about this.

Post-read: Not the best high-school ship-fic thingy I've ever read, but certainly not the worst. You could turn this into a pretty good fic if you sort out some basic grammatical and formatting errors. Either that or get an editor. You have the potential to make this pretty good, but you need to develop each scene a bit more. So far, their personalities seem pretty rock-solid, although it's early days to decide yet. You just need to clear up your capital letters and thought processes a wee bit. I'm not sure the smileys emoticons emotes are such a good idea, as for me they broke up the flow a little bit. Try tweaking them a little. For example: *ahem*

'Did that even make sense 0_o'

Or

'Did that even make sense?' Lightning was dazed, still trying to get his head around the situation.

See how that improves it a little? Even just small tweaks like that can help a lot. Secondly, try not to put stuff like 'This is my first fanfiction'. It doesn't often garner you any sympathy, and readers tend to go for more professional-looking stories. Also, while recommendations are sometimes useful from readers, you are the author, and you should already have most of a plan laid out in your mind.

So, in short, you need to fix up the grammar and formatting, develop the scenes a bit, and make the story a bit more professional. If you can get an editor, I would advise you take this down, make it look damn sexy, then resubmit it. You probably won't get much interest at this point. There's a lot more I could write, but it is late early, and I'm about to pass out. If you want advice, tips or help or whatever, just PM me. I'll try and help to the best of my ability.

Textstorm over.

Post-read edit: Oh, tracking, just to see if you take any of that aboard. I get irate when ponies go against my advice

Second Post-read Edit:       ' hopefully my inspiration won't die on my this quickly ' Not massively encouraging, to be completely honest...

Hmm. Wasn't going to read but see you are writing a considerable amount of words. I will give this story a chance.

Most people just write chapters of about 1000 words.

Lol so funny, keep it up

ANd I haz goodz grammerz

I herped on that one.

To read later. I'm normally hesitant to read OC shippings from authors I've never read from before, but I'll have a go at this when I feel like it.

My first advice before reading this is to not make it corny. Corny fics are the bane of humanity, and those relating to younger years and revolving around school are easy to accidentally render corny.

Another piece of advice is to not make a Mary Sue (one-dimensional, nothing but positive traits) character. It's obvious already that ThunderHoof isn't like that, but the protagonist might be. My favorite way of not making a Mary Sue character is to abuse the fuck out of the protagonist and pretty much make his/her life a living hell.

I'll read this anyway, and I'll tell you what I think regarding these two aspects.

This os actually really good!!! I hope i get to see some more!!!!

>>11065981106598 I'd hate to be one of your main characters

>>11065981106598 Oh it's funny you say that because I had my OC get hit by a car the other day.

>>11066471106647 So much love   The worst that's happened to one of my OC's is having to look after the CMC

>>11066651106665 God help him

>>11066891106689 *her, and not even Celestia would be able to prevent the impending havoc! Ah, dem Crusaders. I really ought to get around to writing a fic about them.

>>11067031106703 The Crusaders, Also known as the 12 legged hurricane. They are the definition of Havoc.

5/5 Moustache for you.

please continue this

I very much enjoyed what you have so far cant wait for more

No idea why It was thumbed down.. Some errors here and there but it's good and funny. A little hypocrital, when you said thunder was nervous, then said he was calm, but that could be looked over.

4/5 for chapter one right now. On to two

It's good, but you definetly need an editor, as well as add a few more details. If you need someone to proofread for you, you can always contact me

AAAAHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  THATS HILARIOUS oh and i need MAOR

Moar! I need this story to empower me! (lolwhut?)

wait, so who is gonna get in trouble with dumb bell? thunder or lightning?

btw

"He face lit up at the last part." shouldn't it be "Her"

P.s. MOAR

YAY! Another Chapter!! I needz more!

Good so far but with the main OC, he's awfully close to being a Mary sue. Thats one thing to avoid.

Other than that I'm enjoying the story, hopefully the OC still has braincells by the end of this thing.

Hey liking your story bro its totally awesome!!!

p.s. does anyone know how I should break it to my freinds that I'm a brony??

The wingboner joke was funny, but became disturbing when Rainbow got one. I know, all pegasi have wings, so, technically, all pegasi should be able to get wingboners, but girls getting "boners" of any kind is just downright weird.

good chapter my friend /

i forsee wingrape

moar

You need a prereader. I spotted a lot of spelling errors and web POV switches from second to first

Please Please Please keep writing! i hate it when i find a good story and then the author stops writing.

>>11291141129114

Exactly. There are SO many stories I've put in my "read later" list that haven't been updated in more than a month.

Anyways, yeah, keep writing bro, it's going great so far.

well so much for moar

what happened to this story? its so good and then it just stopped...

Dumbbell...ehh doesn't sound smart enough to pull something like that

Oh no... Please no... I don't want this too end bad... Please Oh great author in the sky please make it so everything gets better! pwease.

SHIT HIT DA FAN!!!

and so it begins, the great shitstorm of our kind.

AGH THIS IS THE KIND OF CLIFFHANGER THAT DRAWS ME IN SO MUCH

You better update this story soon... I want to know what happens

and the shitstorm begins!

Ermagahrd been waiting for chap 4 for ever

damn it i just realized i read the chap ive been waiting for, and now i have to wait longer for the next!

hilarious!

Sorry everypony if it seemd like I was dead for the last week or something...

What happened is that I thought I had published chapters 3 and 4 on the 23rd and it was days before I realised neither chapter could actually be viewed. I'm already finishing chapter 5 but i realised nopony has read the latest chapter.  

So... I want to finally continue with the plot, thought i hope nopony can guess who the antagonist is... unless i made it look obvious?!?!  

If you want to take a guess, PM me but i'm not giving any spoilers.  

Should you have any other questions or suggestions about the writing or the plot of the story, don't hesitate to PM me.  

Nicely done and I say keep the pictures

YAY more chapters!!

I like how your using pics in your fics

(hehe rymes)

Give me moar.

Rainbow dash x oc 5ever!

DEM PICS

Image: bow_chicka_bow_wow_by_th3y

That's all I have to say.

MOTHER FUCKING CLIFFHANGERS GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

YAY rainbow cand be with lightning now!

oops didnt mean for the fluttercry

Yay!

D'awwwwwwww

I love this story so far.

And nopony has a chance against Thunder. No matter your numbers.

Now I really want another chapter. GIVE US MOAR! Loving where this is going

this is my favorite fic on this site

WE DEMAND MOAR!

A brilliant fic as always man

P.S. MOAR!!!!!!!

WHEN WILL THE NEXT CHAPTER BE!?! I NEEDZ IT!!!

keep the pics,

mooooooaaaaaaarrrrr !

>>12210421221042

Ok OK.....  

Im working on it...SHEESH....  

Don't worry. The next two chapters will be out soon    

FUCKING DAMNIT.   Edit FIRST

DAMN CLIFFHANGERS WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

CLIFF HANGERS!

awaiting intimate bed wrestling mental images.................pending..................loaded....................giggidy

Fluttters......IDIOT...should of gone behind a bush...

flutters what the fuck...

Hunngha rluflwgah

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Everything was PERFECT

Oh well I lover the chapter man and can't wait for the next one

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FLUTTERSHY WHY JHFDBVQYBVLQIERUBVLJQEFBVLQYULJHBFDMJBVLWTRBV

It's hard to be mad at Flutters.....BUT DAMMIT.

Damn i hate it when stuff like that happens. The girl thats close to your bro and she wants to repay you thats when you back the fuck away or be prepared to go through a lot of shit and miss understandings. Oh and Noponythere you are a pro af conflict and epic stories.

OH COME ON!

Winggasm? Never heard that one before

Okay here in chapter 2 you have a mess up where it suddenly went to 1st person for a moment.  My wanna fix that

Chapter5 use I'm instead of in

NEED NEXT CHAPTER NOW.

SEQUEL

Wild time eh.....

FUCK YES WE WANT SEQUELZ!!!!!!!

Next Chapter: You go to the prom and have a wild time. Nuff said

Image: http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/6/67336/1399416-bueno.jpg

I agree a sequal will be nice

SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL!

I WANT A SEQUAL!!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS STORY!!!!!!!

I LOVE THIS STORY MORE THAN A ROCKET POWERED JET MONKEY ON CRACK THAT HAS NO IDEA WHAT A SPEED LIMIT IS AND IS HYPED UP ON REDBULL 24/7

So yes I want a sequal

sequal

I need all the sequels

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

We Demand a Sequel at once!!!!!!!!!!!

sequel. or death. your choice

Where will the sequel take place was this before the mane 6 or after what the fuck is happening outside

the academy is celestia about the blow up the universe WILL THE MEET THE OTHER 6 HOLY SHIT I HAVE NOT A CLUE

BY CELESTIAS SWEET LEFT TIT YES I DO WANT A SEQUEL

oh and do u need any OCs

Ehhh...

While writing the next chapter  I stumbled over some spelling and grammar mistakes. That brought me to the saying

"A picture paints a thousand words"  

I say, a misplaced apostraphe, a capitalised letter and an extra 's' paints a thousand pictures...  

HOW?

Well I also found out theres a huge difference between:

rainbow juice

AND

Rainbow's juice  

Cue explicit images in head...... many images. AHHHHHHHH

its appears sir that most of these viewers wood like a sequel and in my opinion i am inclined to agree with them so in other words i would humbly ask for a sequel, to be made that is all good day sir

I don't like all the femdom in this.

I want sequel. But no femdom. Seriously, that's kind of scary (and pathetic on LS's part). Bondage completely terrifies me and while I know that some people like that shit it just makes me cringe.