i love it more plz

This was a fine beginning to what promises to be a great story. I noticed a few things you'll want to look over, though.

"Is everything alright dear?" she asked and Octavia nodded. "Yes, everything is fine Rarity, I was just... thinking" she tried to explain in one word. Rarity opened her mouth and nodded, a slight smirk on her face..

Two characters can't speak in the same paragraph. It should be something like this:

"Is everything alright, dear?" she asked.

Octavia nodded. "Yes, everything is fine, Rarity. I was just... thinking," she tried to explain in one word. Rarity opened her mouth and nodded, a slight smirk on her face.

Second, Octavia seems to me like the type who would speak slowly, thinking about each word before she says it. As a result, she would tend to use very proper grammar. An example:

"Um, yeah, sorry I'm late, I was with Vinyl, me and her were just grabbing a coffee" might become,

"Um...yes, sorry I'm late. I was with Vinyl. She and I were just grabbing some coffee," or something like that.

That's all the feedback I can manage at the moment. Do with it what you will.

Prelate

>>10847731084773

And I thought I was so careful with that. I'll fix it now. Thanks for pointing it out

So far so good, I'll be watching this one.

A few very minor grammatical errors, formatting problems (new speaker, new paragraph), spelling (missed letters and two different spellings of "grey", pick one and stick with it), and a painful over-use of ellipses.

Overall I think it's well written, but if you would like help with proofing or editing let me know. The story I was editing previously stalled out, so I got time on my hands.

>>10851281085128

Well I already have a beta reader, but obviously he hasn't got around to sending me this chapter yet.  So, the position is open if you would like it.

>>10851651085165

Sent PM, consider the postion filled.

And now I need to get back to pretending to work.

Liking the story, keep it up

I like this, and you update fast! Looking forward to more

>>10870991087099

I update fast because all the chapters are already written

Even better!

Image: http://i.imgur.com/u8vXl.gif

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK ONE MOAR CHAPTER! JUST ONE MOAR!

Image: http://i.imgur.com/MeBRn.gif

internet cookie for you!

Image: http://searchtempo.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/linkedin-session-cookie-stale.jpg

This chapter is by far my favourite, you're an excellent writer.

>>10908771090877

Which is why I opened my account

No comments yet? Surprised face on

huh so you went with the he lives and finds another mare option

i was half expecting him to die and octavia to be all sad cause of the last thing she said to him rada rada rada

have a pinkie pie for going with an unexpected plot line

>>10914291091429

No, Noteworthy is a cool character. He's the only one to wrong Octavia and live

I want him to be a major character in the series, and the story would be over if I decided to kill him off.

I don't do that to my characters.

Anymore.

Maybe later.

>>10914431091443 good... let the insanity flow through you

>>10914791091479

Too late hot plate

>>10915321091532

Image: http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/033/0/d/discorath_by_allison_beriyani-d4oh4hm.jpg

Sheogorath BLESSES THOU WITH CHEESE!

NOW WE DEMAND MOAR!

although its realy up to you

but i think you want to keep your intestines

but if you dont...... well i havent played skip rope with intestines in a while

>>10915711091571

Well until the view count goes up I might not post anything. I want to entertain more than 9 people

>>10916661091666 but ... but i blessed you with the sacred cheese of cheesyness......

>>10916981091698

Fine.

10 more chapters.

Then I quit the mediocre, and move onto writing at my best. This is mediocre for me, so one can imagine what the best is.

>>10917421091742

Image: http://i.imgur.com/K4EYx.gif

Don't stop posting or I will have to bitch slap you!

No but seriously.....please don't stop posting. I love these....

That was just...beautiful.  

No comments yet...blame it on the eagerness to read the next chapter.

Is there something wrong with Chapter 4, 8 and 9? I just noticed a dramatic loss of views after those chapters, what's wrong with them guys?

I just wanted to keep reading, but it stoped

I hope that there is more to come tho, and keep up the good work.

Welcome to fimfiction! Read this on old FF.net and I sill love it. So well written and such fascinating back story.

I feel like I've read this before somewhere...has this story already been published on another site? It's excellent, by the way, and I look forward to reading the rest.

The realization just hit me that I never read romance until I became a brony, and now I only read pony-related romance fics. Well, that's an interesting development.

>>10995871099587 That happens with any story, or at least with mine over on fanfiction(dot)net. Some people just stop reading after a while, and others will skip some chapters to read the ending. I'll read them all if I can, though.

>>11033521103352

I posted it on Fanfictio.net under the name SeoritaDeLaNieve, you may ave read it then

Vin ylk sighed and drew her in for a hug.

Yup, threw me off

>>11043071104307

Sigh editing is hard

I must say that this is quite an interesting read

I look firward to more chapters

please make more i love this

>>11054171105417

Did you know depression isn't fun?

Just saying

>>11054211105421

I know I have depression.

>>11054481105448

It isn't fun is it?

I probably won't update until tomorrow.

Nope.That's ok,also by the way you're very good a writing.

>>11054671105467

bullsh!t

i dont know why anyone is reading this

>>11056541105654

Are you kidding!??! It's so damn good!! The sttory line , how it's all kept together everything is amazing!

I second that statement!

"and though the waiter was indeed the eitome of civility and politenss, Noteworthy went above and beyond in some way, even going as far as to listen intetly to everythng, even if Daisy werto interrupt him, which she did twice just to gauge his reaction, he was everything she had imagined a Canerot Stallion o be."

Ah, so you too have been the the mystic lands of Canerot, an ancient kingdom where fics spellcheck themselves

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra2.png

May the Chocolate Rain be with you!

Also: First

>>11090021109002

Editing

Is

Hard

Well... There were few typos here, but, typos are not the shit to be worried about :3 Great chapter :D

I'm a sucker for Vincyl/Octavia shipping.

Image: http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/21801190.jpg

Other than the numerous grammar and spelling errors, this is a great story.

Do you have a pre-reader, by any chance?

>>11244871124487

Yes I do, he's kinda slow though, he hasn't got past chapter 4 yet, it'll be a long haul before it's pristine

Glad to know you've got someone working on it.

Fantastic stuff here, great characters, interesting emotional development, you got it all nicely. Except your grammar, that could use a bit of work.

there were a few mistakes here and there

Anyway, I've been wanting to et you something for your birthday for months, but I wasn't sure what to get you, you already have a piano, and you brought a new set of mixing equipment recently, so oneday in the shower I thought of a spa treatment at Rarity's. I decied to go the whole hog and get you a day with Lotus and Aloe, then a makeove at Rarity's boutique, I went to the spa before it closed andbooked the day, then I went to the boutique and booked you in for 3pm" she explained and Vinyl smied at her.

all in all good job

>>11354071135407

*SIGH*

Son of a....

>>11354211135421 Yeah. Scattered throughout this chapter are (missing) letters randomly placed.

SUCKS TO BE YOU NOTEWORTHY!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKING CLIFF HANGER!!!!

>>11364911136491

Image: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uXrf-fP5MHg/Td70F58s1NI/AAAAAAAAA1Q/KUAxmF8ywTo/s320/trollman.gif

>>11365751136575 best..... gif....... EVER

Dat ending.... is gonna drive me bonkers if you don't update soon.

these feels what a great fic

"Tavi, if I don't know how to help if you don't tell me what's wrong" Only error in that sentence.

And 'You was angry'

Only major mistakes that I could find, other than the few missing letter in some of the words.

But non the less, still a great story

Have enjoyed reading this if this is actually the final chapter, and hope you continue making great stories like these

You replaced the "k" in ask with an "s". And there are some minor grammar oversights, but nothing major. -hic-

Epilogue: Vinyl and Octavia go to Twilight so they can have foals. Twilight gives them a special bedroom spell. *insert clopfic here* -hic-

>>11245401124540

Sorry! I was rather ill for a few days so everything got kinda backed up . I'm back on it now.

Thanks for the fast update! keep it up

......

Wait this is the ending???? noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

after reading: I take that back, as much as I loved your story, this ending was the right thing.  Job well done

>>11425451142545

Let's not drag it through the mud, chapter 4 was originally the ending one year ago.

say do who what now? it was???

>>11427541142754

Yeah

I was inspired by a Lime fic I read about 'Tavi and V' about two years ago, so I wrote the first chapter, posted it, and the response I got was amazing, so I continued it, using it to improve my work, so by now, I have repeatedly been told my work is worthy of EQD without editing.

Clearly I do need an editor for this fic and any future ones I shall be using him to check my work to make sure it is as pristine and impeccable as it possibly can be.

Expect a greater quality of work from me from the future

>>11427981142798

I definitely will. Keep up the good work! Oh, and since you have proved quite a bit of shipping talent, might I suggest a TwiLee fic? (twilight and cheerilee)

>>11433741143374

Challenge accepted.... later

>>11427981142798

and any future ones I shall be using him to check my work to make sure it is as pristine and impeccable as it possibly can be.

Wait... me? I dunno about as pristine and impeccable as possible, but I do my best.

Oh, and I got chapter 5 up for you too.

>> Senorita~De~La~Nieve

eeeeee yay!

This story is...

Decent.

It's no Allegrezza, but it's decent.

The central problem with this story is that spelling and grammar degraded massively after you went past the original ending, and this severely drags down the quality of your story.

I heartily recommend that you get some assistance in editing this story.

So its done?

>>11450011145001

NATOstrike is editing chapter 5 hopefully as we speak

Passio? weird... Passion is the name of Vinyl in my fanfic... that's the socond time that happened this week

okay this chapter is named 'The final' and there is a 'The end' at the end, and still this fic is marked as incomplete?

is there going to be a Epilog?

>>11490651149065

Wait and see

Yaay I love it when authors lie about things being the end. Three cheers for an epilogue!

I just love the opposites attract shippings and I love voctavia more than anything! They're just perfect!!

Image: http://twilight.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/134415892605.png

NotimetocommentmustreadnextchapterNOW

Third it.

I feel spoiled.  About a month ago I decided to watch MLP:FIM to see why everyone was going nuts about it. Since I could stream it on Netflix, I didn't have to spend a week waiting for the new episode.  Zero to brony in 10 seconds flat, basically.  This morning when I got home from work I stumbled across the awesomeness that is all sixteen chapters of this fic.  The <I don't have a good enough word for so much win so we'll just have to go with this> has been doubled! (and why isn't there a Luna emote over there? ==>)

This is good. Me gusta pony-related love stories.

I like this story. it's sweet and romantic, which is a nice change from the dark, depressing shit I often find myself reading, but I don't think I entirely like the way you portray Vinyl's character. Somehow I just can't imagine he having an acute sense of romance, or even any sense of it at all.

For some reason I imagine that Vinyl would be more, I don't know, like, she loves Octavia, but she's also kinda in it for the sexytimes.

I don't know, that's just how I imagine their relationship lol.

Otherwise, brilliant. Your writing style is a lot like mine - switching back and forth between poetic and just artfully written prose.

Image: http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://rlv.zcache.co.nz/me_gusta_face_text_postcard-p239986862933170582baanr_400.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.zazzle.co.nz/me_gusta_face_text_postcard-239986862933170582&h=400&w=400&sz=29&tbnid=4uSjZSqHd-Ad5M:&tbnh=90&tbnw=90&zoom=1&usg=__xOdNKIIrVX_Ns_lRh2vmpsXx9I8=&docid=RdCvJlHWberXyM&sa=X&ei=uig4UKR4wc2LArXOgbgC&ved=0CCsQ9QEwAw&dur=860

loving the story my friend. And i feel ya, grammar is a bitch.

^^ What he said

Not to be mean or anything, but do you look back and read these chapters at all? Do you even have a spellchecker? It's bad to the point that it takes away from the story, which would be great otherwise.

"beafast"

Our new menu item: beef for breakfast!

I think you kind of ruined this story by continuing it. That last chapter was a sweet, heartfelt conclusion. This part feels forced. It's still good, but it was better before.

>>11539471153947

A: My bete-reader/editor is going over the chapters and sending to me when he gets the time, in a few weeks or months it'll pristine and perfect

>>11542151154215

B: I originally was going to make this a 4 chapter thing, but I didn't want to end it, one thing lead to another and before I knew it there were sixteen chapters

But thank you both for the criticism makes me better in the future

The big damn kiss.

Hurray

Oh how I just absolutely positively LOVE this!  

so amazing and true to the characters!!

>>11570531157053

It's actually not true to the characters, it's a plot point/trick many writers use, they start with the characters being true, then slowly add OOC elements until they become characters completely different than the ones in the first couple of chapters.

Like, can you honestly imagine Vinyl Scratch playing piano and being romantic, writing songs 'n stuff?

Think about it

Oh the beauty! Sorry for commenting on every chapter, it's just my way of telling the writer that I do actually read the full story!  

On to the next chapter!!

Oh I knew it I knew it I knew it!! They ARE perfect for each other, and they always will be! Good show I say, good show!! Well, onto the next chapter. Although if they confessed their love this early, what more could you write about?? Oh I do hope they don't break up! Maybe all of Ponyville will find out and start hatin'? Oh the suspense!! I must keep reading!

okay im just gonna say this story is phenomenal especially while listening to this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDok9h5oK9s

>>11733191173319

Congratulations, you have found 1 of 6 songs I listened to while writing this.

Have a chapter called the final. Story status: Incomplete.=me

Moar?

Can't wait to read, though. Im also a real sucker for OctaScratch.

OctaScratch is my fave shipping and this was one of my favorite stories and I would like to say thank you for this story.it was great

I've only read a third of fourth of this, but I can clearly see on thing: You use the word "Smirk" WAY too much. So much it's getting a little annoying really

Octavias resolve to actually say no to Vinyl surprised me greatly.

However!

The way you made it 'click' for Octavia the second she heard Vinyl play her mothers' Piano, was simply beautiful.

It fa outweighed the negative impact Octavia's "no" had. Great job.