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Spike was tired of hearing the tales of Rarity's coltfriends, and how they amaze her. Going home sad and broken, he found a black notebook that granted him the power to kill anypony as long as he had their name and face. He made a steely resolve to protect Rarity... at any cost.
Entry to National Pony Writing Month.
well technically the death note is the whole premise of... well death note. that is a crossover. crossovers don't really have to include characters from the 2nd source.
and yeah... it was just food for thought. I guess you coulda used an alternative plot device, like an alicorn of death. and build a mythology like how the alicorn has 2 lists (death notes). a naughty and nice death note (which he decides whether ponies go to heaven or hell).
just to add that bit of kid mythos (santa just adds that childhood throw back rather than the teen oriented death note premise) to make it fit into the childish mlp universe.
iunno.
and i wanna join the writing comp too... but it seems US orientated....
In your description, you're switching tenses at random. Spike "goes" home, and he "found" a black notebook. I know how little you care about descriptions, though, so on to the actual story.
Would you like to see it?” Rarity had offered. <- had offered?
I held the gift I had for her back using my magical flame, I had decided against giving it to her. I exhaled coarsely, knowing I... <- You'd do well to switch up the openings to these sentences. I know it's written from Spike's POV, but it looks odd and breaks the flow of the story.
I didn't go straight home, I wandered through Ponyville, arriving at the outskirts of the town. <- perhaps that first comma should be something other than a comma?
1002 After-Nghtmare-Moon's-Sealing <- should be obvious.
I hopped off the chair I ate <- interesting...
“Spike, when did you get in last night?I waited <- missed a space.
The six girls looked at me with surprised <- again, should be obvious.
(quill that has ink stored in it.) <- No. Just, no. You do not use brackets, even in narration. They're only acceptable when you're displaying text the character is reading/writing.
Sitting in a circle was Princesses Celestia and Luna <- were.
and several other ponies I don't recognize <- didn't.
That's all, for now. 
>>1089800 Oh yay. *ahem* I want a prereader for assistance with... well, everything. To make sure the story makes sense, emotions are played, make sure it isn't bland, and along the lines. Grammar is of little issue for me right now, but this is for National Pony Writing Month, so I'll be writing faster, and have less time to check on my own story's continuity.
"If only you knew, my sweet. But she didn't know, and she never will. I don't want her to feel weak because her lover cheated on her, or was using her. Either way, I won't ever tell her. I can't break her heart. It's better to have her mourning the loss of her colt." That line hits home but i don't kill people.
Dam don't know to hate Spike for killing in cold blood but he did it to help the mare he loves and looks out for her at the cost of his own life.
I don't know what to feel.
Will there be any pony that will some what resemble L because this is not a crossover. this is just an idea but I can see in the future Twilight being put in charge of finding of what will be causing all the deaths with the code name T but just by me thinking that it sound stupid and to obvius. also another will Spike ever say "I AM THE GOD OF THE NEW WORLD" or someting like that but involving Rairitys love in some way?
>>1091033 I am not thinking of having a rival much at all. I intended this to be a comedy, but if I write it seriously, Spike will literally be his own enemy. He'll simply be trying to come to terms with himself, and if I have an L character, which is almost unlikely, it would probably be Twilight... except I'd do it differently than Death Note. Spike isn't trying to be noticed, he's not trying to get Rarity to know that somepony is protecting her, Spike is doing his best to remain hidden.
But I am open to ideas.
In regards to "I AM THE GOD OF THE NEW WORLD," Spike did that already. The last words of the first chapter is pretty much it. "I will protect Rarity at any cost."
>>1105837 I prefer L, but the manga/anime Light was sort of... too precise. He had was smart, sure, but holy shit, he was too smart. The movies toned it down a little, but they made Light more sympathetic as well... which was my goal here. I believe a good villain is one you could sympathize with, even if the villain is the main character. OF course, complete assholes are likeable too, I just think that the inability to look at Light and feel sorry is the reason I chose the path I made for Spike.
Spike still murders a lot of ponies, tho. o_o
>>1105990 Thing is, it took a little more probing out of Light in the movies to make him turn over. He had believed in the law being the ultimate weapon, and when he visited a bar, he overheard a few criminals talking, specifically one and how he murdered a girl in front of her parents. Cue criminals noticing Light watching, confront Light, and then he realized how broken the justice system really was, and in his pain, he wound up finding the Death Note. It took an actual showing of how broken the law is to convince him.
OP weapon is the only thing Spike has here. His intelligence and inability to cope with murder is actually one of the main sources of conflict in this story as opposed to, say, an L character or Shinigami or second Kira. Spike's main enemy is pretty much his conscious. Unlike Light, Spike is trying to stay hidden and not be found out, so the only chance of having an antagonist would be to have Twilight discover the notebook... which I'm unsure about.
>>1106056 Indeed. I like Light from the manga better personally. The movies, as you said, took him out of character to create a sympathy point. I don't find myself sympathizing with Light. I find myself agreeing with him.
Spike's actions are a little more questionable though, and it's good to see him with self loathing for them.
>>1106162 They didn't take him out of character, they just gave us a reason to care about him and his goals, at least in my opinion. I know mankind is full of shit, and Light may have been an executioner of criminals, but him as a character... it's as Near said; he's just a murderer. Movie Light, I could actually nod my head when he boasted the world's shittiness.
They are definitely different, since he's not killing criminals, just those who date Rarity because he doesn't trust them due to Blueblood and Blackhoof. Paranoia, basically.
I'm getting a bad feeling about this not sure I want Spike to be the new kira we all know how that ended. If he keeps killing Rarity's dates she might go in a major depression maybe thinks she's some kind of black widow or something, and I doubt ALL of her dates are jerks. Pretty sure Spike is gonna kill some innocent ones too but he wont care.
I'm sorry, but the moment I read the line about Spike heading back to the library, Youtube's playlist put this on:
>>1123300 I was listening to the Death Note movie OST itself, actually. When I was writing the scene where he was crying in Twilight's embrace, this played:
I love Death Note for its inner convictions and hard philosophy, and of course extremely smart ways to use it.
I hope Spike knows how to last in his mission to keep Rarity safe, and even Sweetie Bell for that matter.
I see him becoming smarter and more meticulous with his use of the Death Note and ways to hide it.
Faved and liked
Very well written. I would love to see somepony lead an investigation should Celestia or somepony else become suspicious by noticing all the ponies who died had some affiliation with rarity at some point in their life. Just food for thought. Don't usually get genuine fics like this that base themselves off other works without being a complete copy paste plot, so you got my like. Please do continue this, it has great potential.
I like it. Its slightly dark, and even though he kills he knows hes guilty. Sort of a mix between Death Note and Dexter. But Dexter is cooler. And I like the twist with the girlfriend and him trying to rationalize all the killing in his head. Keep on writing I like it. 
I knew this was gonna happen I said it and it happened, now I'm wondering whats gonna happen to spike now that he's aware how corrupted he became and what were the consequences? I wonder how long before he kills again if he kills? (I know its not if but when)
Just... wow. I can't... Just... My brain is broken from how awesome this is in comparison to the series this is based off. You sir, have done an INCREDIBLE better job at portraying the Death Note than it's namesake series. Have a Vinyl
Edit: Because I've never gotten the chance to this before, and I don't give a fu- Anyway, FIRST!~
“'Voodoo,' 'Curses,' 'Divine Wrath,' 'Supernatural Disasters,' 'Killer Notebook,' 'Shadow Execution,' and 'Liquified Souls?' What a bunch of hoopla! UGH!” Twilight shouted, tossing the book across the room onto the shelf. “I can't believe the 'confirmed' supernatural is more hocus than the potentials!” She exhaled coarsely.
Killer Notebook? Spike might want to look into that, seems like he needs to make sure one curious mare doesn't get TOO curious..
“Golden Harvest...” Rarity fought back the tears before focusing.“Golden Harvest...”
Noooooooooo!! She's innocent!
I think you meant Golden Shutter
Oh, I just thought I'd engage in small talk with one of my best friends.
*Literally sits still for 40 seconds and then...*
Urgh! *cough* *cough* *drops flat on the floor*
...
...
...
*Slowly lifts up and resumes weird sitting position*
Nom! *A chocolate chip cookie appears and is quickly devoured.*
Cookie? *Offers a second one that came from who knows where.*
Spike is going nuts. Like, A LOT
And this is the only one thing I don't like about this story. While I was reading Death Note, I never thought of Light Yagami as an evil being. Sure, he had blood colder than the friggin' final circle of Hell, and didn't hesitate about manipulating others in a bastardly (Is this even a word?) level, even his own family. But he always had his goal clear in his mind, and never killed, or attempted to, a beloved person. True, he let his father do the "Shinigami's eye pact" (preventing it would have blown his cover), but his death surprised the whole cast. Besides, even he had his limits, unlike Teru Mikami.
This is not Spike's case. Light acted a bit theatrically, but our little dragon goes far away than that. For example, the "Forgive me Twilight, for I am about to sin" line has become way cheesy after his second or third murder. Besides that, he's starting to be less protector and more egotistical and stupid than anything. His jealousy towards the Mane 6 is a good proof of that. And, even a F/F relationship could happen with Rarity, he would remember that none of them are scums, unlike most murdered stallions. His bad thoughts about Applejack and Twilight, to be precise, seemed far OOC for me.
Another thing that bugs me is that he's not being too smart. Thanks to only killing fashionista's ex-boyfriends, the connection between Rarity and the victims has been set. Becoming a dark hero to mares, killing disgusting stallions who treat them bad, would blow up the only lead Twilight has, thickening the plot more. Think about Light killing only criminals threatening his family: short story is short
Now, don't get me wrong. I started reing your story since its first chapter appeared on FF, and I'm loving every chapter (always considering the pros and cons). I just didn't start commenting until the last chapter, since I wanted to point that little mistake in order to help you. The thing is, I'm only suggesting things here that, I believe, could polish your story a little. That is, if you want, of course. This is your work, after all. An amazing one
PS1: Is there going to be a character making Misa Amane's role? becasue I have my suspicions
PS2: Fuck the Cupcakes references. Hard
PS3: Sorry if something on my text is messed up. English isn't my first language. You may ask freely if you have any doubt.
>>1181371 My only response is that Spike isn't Light Yagami. He's not as collected, and his paranoia isn't letting him think straight to the point where killing Twilight seems like an option. At this point in the story, he's starting to get scared due to the shifty attitude of his friends as well as Twi and Rarity constantly meeting. Since he's trying to be a protector, and his mind is deteriorating, he's not thinking rationally at all about who his targets are, thinking he's still doing some good.
Not to mention Light Yagami actually stated he'd kill his family numerous times, as early as the first few chapters. Of course, he said if he wasn't careful. Spike isn't being careful because he's hating himself more and more up to the point where, as seen in chapter, he contemplated killing himself.
Other responses: Sure, the line is cheesy, but it's Spike trying to remain sane since every time he see's the Death Note, he has flashbacks to Blackhoof's death, and the reason why I can't flesh out the story more is that I have to finish by Friday for EqD, so the story is moving faster.
Thanks for the comment and criticism. Have a nice day.
Something just seems... off about this whole thing.
I can't pinpoint what's exactly wrong but I just feel like the portrayed story is rubbing me the wrong way.
Oh, and did you have to make Pinkie Pie consider good reasons for death? That's gotten way too mainstream as far as dark stories are concerned.
>>1182271 Yeah, I follow what you're saying. it's only that Spike being so paranoid really bugs me. Seems necessary for the story (and I'm sure almost nobody would be sane after using the Death Note), but only my thoughts.
I didn't remember Light contemplating killing his family. Seems I read the manga way long ago, huh. Now I understand why he didn't it, that man was a clever bastard.
I understand both of your final statements. I didn't know about the endline, I'm a bit disconnected from EqD lately.
I hope you didn't take my comments wrong, only as positive criticism. As I said, this work is really good and I wish you the best of luck 
PS: I'm imagining the end of this, and it isn't good...
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