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Twilight awakes from a minor magical accident to find herself dead. She believes she is doomed to wander Equestria for all eternity, that is until she discovered certain ponies could see lost souls like her, ponies like Princess Luna.
First fic, blah blah blah, constructive criticism, blah blah blah, if you favorite it like it blah blah blah, etc...
Cover art isn't mine
After [vampire/alicorn/changeling] Twilight stories we shall soon receive massive flood of ghost Twi. I can just feel it
1. Got my eye on you
2. That is probably the best description i have seen in a long time.
a few grammatical errors spread out across the chapter, that's very hard to avoid though, and it didn't interrupt the flow much.
im guessing/hoping that you're going to explain what happened in details in the next chapter
She could fight back, she was the most magical unicorn in ponyville, likely Equestria, she was the personal protege of Princess Celestia, she was the element of magic, the core of the elements of harmony, and she would not be beaten by this!
that first sentence gives me the picture of twilight considering if you should fight back or not, like; "i guess i could fight back", which doesn't fit very well with the rest of the sentence
Twilight stepped out onto a balcony, overlooking a maze of bookshelves,several.
that part (underlined) isn't necessary and nor does it make sense.
Twilight jumped about a foot in the air and turned around mid-air, to see a mask floating behind her. There was nothing particularly special about the mask, other than it was floating.“And who might you be?” Twilight inquired.
she's just been in a giant box made of fire and brimstone, and now there's a mask, floating in the air behind her, and it's talking; and that's her reaction? she's very very calm for being twilight in this situation. it's not that much of an issue really, just a thought i had.
Good work, this has potential. Great first attemt.
But it is some minor problems that are there. You need to hit the word as they say. Don't stop half away. Tell your story in a differente angle. As what the person (or in this case, ponies) feel like and ect. Use also metafores to increase the qvalety of the story. It will be in big help. And descripsens, a lot of it. And streamers...
Pinkie? Get out of my computer! Anyway, good story. Keep it up!
First fic, blah blah blah, constructive criticism, blah blah blah, if you favorite it like it blah blah blah, etc...
I'll have to admit, this has got me hooked, and I'm a little disappointed that there's not more.
Hm. Okay - you've caught my attention. Now what are you going to do?
Although, I do have one tiny nitpick...
The words 'minor' and 'death' should not appear in the same sentence except when being played for lulz. Because, well, it isn't all that minor if somebody _died_.
First fic? Either that's lie, or you were born good at writing. Featured! Good job on that by the way. Have a Derpy for when you read (New tab).
Interesting... tracking. I want to see where this goes. That said, longer chapters would be appreciated.
“Spike, ydo you have any idea what this is?” Twilight waited a second and there was no answer.
Bit of a typo there...
Twilight stepped out onto a balcony, overlooking a maze of bookshelves,several.
Um... what? Maybe you meant "a maze of several bookshelves?" (though that would make a very small maze)
>>1088279 I gotcha bro, write one about the origins of nurse Redheart titled 'If I Go Crazy, Will You Still Call Me Supermare?' It will lead us into her day-to-day life and times of Nurse Redheart's career, portraying how she fights her inner demons to retain a sense of duty. Life isn't easy for one of the few nurses in a town of chaos.
Bam, all off the top of my head in, what? Two minutes? Take complete credit for story, I just want to see it written haha! Sounds pretty good by description lol.
Gif to bring peoples attention.
Well a nice Picture, and a rather interesting Start. I'll be watching this
Interesting concept. There are still some grammatical errors, reply to this comment or shoot me a PM and I'll round em up.
Though I wonder why the mask would allow her spirit to remain in Equestria? Right now I'm thinking either it doesn't know that Twilight's soul is floating around, it has Twilight's long term interest(or at least not directly adversarial a la Orange morality) in some batshit insane plot, or it's too arrogant to care.
"Twilight awakes from a minor magical accident to find herself dead. She believes she is doomed to wander Equestria for all eternity, that is until she discovered certain ponies could see lost souls like her..." Wow this definetly seems like something I would enjoy reading! "...ponies like Princess Luna" *Sees romance tag* Dang 
I havnt read it yey but I can kinda see where this is going. The number of lesbian ship fics is too damn high! Just a personal pet peave of mine. It stinks cause I really like the overall premise. Although, mentioned earlier, I think minor accident is an understatement. Maybe a better phrasing would be fatal magical accident. However, when you said "awakes to find herself dead" I couldnt help but think "is she a zombie?" It seems interesting, but the wording of the first sentence of the description is kinda silly to me. Just me nit picking I guess. I think I will put this in my read later anyway.
>biting off the end of a gem
>touched it with her magic
>but she pressed on
Double spaces 
>Spike, ydo you have
>for her, She could feel
>maze of bookshelves,several
>maps of equestria and lands beyond
>reaching about a foot off the table
IMPERIAL
>dotted with brightly glowing constellations
>every size and type of measurement tool there is
Do you think this would sound better if you said "in existence" rather than "there is" ?
>it’s mouth not moving
When used possessively, "its" does not have an apostrophe
>Ok, do you know
Use "OK" or "Okay", not "Ok"
*Steel reads over the description again, tapping the desk as Pinkie sits next to him.*
First story, huh? Oh, first spot in the Featured Box too.
*He blinks.*
First story. First place in Featured.
*He blinks again, Pinkie looking up at him cautiously.*
"Are...you ok?"
Just fine.
*He blinks once more, as something that sounds like a rubber band snapping echoes through the room. His eyes split and roll off to opposite sides.*
Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust finnnnnnnddadsffsd...
"Ahhh..."
"Twilight! I think Steel broke!"
*Pinkie runs out of the room, leaving the stunned form of Steel in his chair.*
Oh? This should be interesting. I kind of like undead stories with the protagonist as a zombie/ghost/etc. Not too many good ones like that around.
I wonder if she'll still be able to touch things or use magic as a ghost? She could give ponies quite a scare by moving stuff around.
I hope it doesn't get too tragic with her friends and family mourning. God, it would be depressing if she were to attend he own funeral. I can imagine her ghost trying to comfort a crying Spike next to her grave...
This is not terrible. It's a unique and interesting premise, but the writing needs more practice. A lot of your descriptive lines don't mesh well with the story flow. Try to lead one thought into the next for a continual flow of thoughts. Also I think your portrayal of Spike was lackluster, he seems more of an accessory to what Twilight is doing than a character in his own right.
The only correction I don't understand is this one-
>reaching about a foot off the table
IMPERIAL
It's grammatically correct. They can use whatever measurement style they want, imperial, metric whatever. There's no reason to change it just because you don't like the measurement type they used.
Too Fast! Too Fast! Please slow down and develop the scenes more.
Also, What was up with the lava room next to the laboratory? You could've just stuck Twilight in the lab and have her wonder around a bit until she came accross the floating mask, and it would've served the plot just as much. As some would call it, Big Lipped Alligator Moment. Unless you plan on bringing the hellfire room of fire up again later on.
Only one way to put this.
I...I don't....How did...
You clever bastard...
Interesting, interested, watching, here's a freakin' mustache. Enjoy. 
...What, were you expecting me to write a long review about this? Ah, there's not much for me to say expect--well, I have to say, the idea is quite intruiging, and that alone has me keeping an eye on you. I wish I could magically come up with ideas like these. No matter what, no matter what fanfiction I write, it's not really original or unique. So bravo to you.
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"What'd I do?! Trip over a log during teleportation and scramble my atoms across the next GALAXY!?"
(no, I'm not talking about the robot on mars landing on a pony and killing it
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I love that post that post is my new favorite
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hehe, i'm glad you're enjoying the story!
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and how did spike do that
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