When a pony who is not meant to be is re-introduced into equestrian society what will happen due to his nature? and what will he do when he is destined to spend an eternity alone? This is the story of my OC as he spends his time finding his purpose in life.
This is my First Fan-fic so constructive criticism is welcome also if you spot any mistakes or think some part is written wrongly do comment and tell me how to fix it i want to get better at writing these stories. This is in first person i might change to second or third person depending on my brain's ability to think. So enjoy and do give me feedback.
Chapters (2)
Hmm.
Satisfying, compelling. Not bad for your first. Way better then my first, at least.
Moves a little fast, and there are MANY grammatical errors. Find a pre-reader, they can help you with that.
Anyway, faved, I would like to see where this is going. One question: Is your OC an alicorn? I can't tell. Be warned, not many people like Alicorn OCs. If he is one, don't make him overpowered. That is the downfall of many a fic.
You've caught my curiosity.
One thing to note, though: Watch your use of archaic word forms. There are multiple mistakes, more that just the following, but they should give you an idea of what else needs to be fixed.
Should be, "We are surprised thou..."
Another, "We are..."
"-th" is third person; "-st" is second person. So here it should be, "Why dost thou..."
More, "Dost thou..."
Unlike Modern English, person is still marked on the past tense, so this should be, "When didst..."
This mess has quite a few problems. "Thou shall suffer when we catcheth thee!"
Remember, that "thou/thee/thy/thine" is actually informal and is what Luna uses in her episode; "ye/you/your/yours" is formal (or plural), and mixing up these forms confuses whether the speaker considers the addressed in a formal or informal manner. Also, as a small continuity error, it doesn't make sense for the guard not to use these forms, considering it would have been how everypony spoke back then.
Other than this, you do need to watch your punctuation. Sometimes you use a comma where a period should go, or sometimes you don't use anything where a comma or a period needs to be!
You deserve WAY more than 5 likes for this, ignoring the old English, you made the reader care and sympathize with the main character. Not many authors can do that, most stories just sound like a written account of events, but this gripped me into wondering what that mysterious immortal pony would do next. Great job, I hope to see more stories soon!
(^)> *penguin approves*
1080192 Thanks for that i had no idea how to use archaic english and google didn't really help so thanks for that!
1080409 Thank you i am currently working on a new chapter so stay tuned!
1079343 To answer your question he is not but hopefully i can better elaborate in my next chapter Thanks for the support!
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). If you need anything else, the Wikipedia page on Early Modern English is a fairly good, easy-to-follow guide; if you have any questions beyond that, I'll do my best to answer!
Not a problem! Most people seem to not even know Early Modern English is actually a thing (Silent Storm...
1081961 Thank you stay tuned for my next chapter with (hopefully) proper language use!
Another thing I would watch out for when you're writing is capitalising random words. It could be that you meant to use a period and instead used something else, but it is a little disorienting.
This is also something that breaks the flow of your narrative. It's not that difficult to give the readers enough clues as to who is talking, you've done it throughout the rest of this story. If you want to indicate that Luna is... Ethereal? In her cloud form, maybe? You could describe her voice as sounding hollow, or even just saying she sounds ethereal. We don't need another type of quotation marks, it's confusing.
"Answer my question first."
"No. We are the Princess here, it is thou who will answer." She paused, realising that this was perhaps a silly thing to be arguing about. What pony didn't know her? She coughed self conciously, and said in a slightly quieter voice. "... We are Princess Luna. Now thou will answer our questions!"
Or something. Some description around the dialogue would help us in understanding the tone of voice, and the body language of the characters. Those are a very important part of communication.
...What?
'After a length of time so long that a regular pony would have been bored to death, I slipped back into the same trance in which I had spent the better part of my imprisonment. I would look dead to another pony, but I was merely sleeping. Suddenly, I felt somepony prodding me with their hooves and I awoke to a sight of three young fillies in front of me.'
Remember that an apostrophe either indicates possession (These are Applejack's apples) or to show a contraction for 'is' (Applejack's the best.) The way you've written 'filly's' makes it look like his face owns them.
Apostrophe help.
I'd also think about giving an extra space between paragraphs, it's a bit easier to read.
If you'd like to look a bit more into some of the effects of sensory deprivation, which I think you could really go into, there's a documentary here. It's pretty horrific, what the mind comes up with to busy itself. You've been warned!
1082105 I will fix those errors when i have the time and thank you for the criticism i thought something was funny about my writing didn't think that i made so many mistakes
I will try harder! so please continue to help me improve!
Also thank you for the warning i have now learned and i am very disturbed.
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It's your first story, after all! Perhaps you could try using the 'read it aloud' trick. You'll be able to feel run-on sentences, because you'll need to gasp for breath.
Keep trying!
Hmm... The only thing I really have to say about this is that that small section that switches to Twilight's POV is completely unnecessary--everything that you described in that paragraph could have been done just as well from the protagonist's POV. You shouldn't fall into the habit of switching POV on a whim, but only when necessary, such as in the last chapter when the protagonist fell asleep and you switched to Luna's POV.
2441978 alright noted thanks for the critique!