Big Brother - Equestria

Itâ��s a house like no other. Where fifty-three cameras capture your every move, and ninety-eight microphones capture your every word. This is the Big Brother house and tonight fourteen ponies from across Equestria will be moving in to begin a summer long journey for half a million bit prize.
That's right all the backstabbing, lying and competition of Big Brother has finally been ponified and its gonna be one heck of a summer.

Chapters (2)

Let The Games Begin · 12th Aug 2012 · 3,050 words
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The Circus of Power · 28th Aug 2012 · 3,291 words
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Comments ( 8 )

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abandoned2123

abandoned2123 #1 · Aug 12th, 2012 · · · Let The Games Begin ·

You got an interesting concept, I'll give you that, but your execution was a little lacking in a lot of respects.

First off, Ice Shadow? Who is that? I assume an OC, yet you need to take the time to properly introduce him to your audience. As of now, I know absolutely nothing about him other than the fact that he's the host or something. I know that this story isn't really meant to be that deep character-wise, you really need to at least give the readers some idea of what his personality is like.

Secondly, your character introductions were very, very tedious. "Hi, I'm *blank" and I *blankety blank blank", is not how you introduce a character. It makes for something that the reader has to actively slog through. Try using some more description to bring life to the characters, or at least a creative use of dialogue tags.

Also, here's a fun fact for you: The Doctor has actually (unwillingly) participated in a Big Brother game in the "Doctor Who" canon. You could make a pretty bitchen' reference with him here if you wanted to. Just sayin'

Good luck!

blawrg

blawrg #2 · Aug 12th, 2012 · · · Let The Games Begin ·

didn't quite irk me enough to give you a thumbs down, but I didn't particularly enjoy this. Not my type of story, but has a few writing errors that everyone makes.

-few to no new paragraphs for every new speaker
-the others, ginger already expressed.

decent story though

JapaneseTeeth

JapaneseTeeth #3 · Aug 12th, 2012 · · · Let The Games Begin ·

I think you have an interesting concept here, but there are a few things that could probably do with smoothing out:

1. Some of the intro falls into "Show, don't tell" territory. For example, when they first go in to claim the rooms, rather than just saying "Twilight took this room, Pinkie took this room", you could mention how they respond to the rooms. Like Twilight could go into the pink room, complain about the color being too bright and look somewhere else, or have Pinkie be ecstatic that there's a room in her favorite color or something. Another example is during the quiz. Rather than saying "Cheeilee answered Trixie", it would be much more dynamic to have something like "Cheerilee slammed her hoof down on the buzzer. 'Trixie!' she exclaimed." It's a lot more interesting to see how the characters react than to just be told what they're doing.

2. As the comment above points out, the character introductions sound very same-y. I realize that it's sort of par for the course in a show like this, but the characters need to have their own voices. For example, Pinkie would probably start off on script, but go off the rails and start rambling about cake or something.

3. Something to be cautious about in future installments: When you handle the character interaction (which I think is kinda inevitable in a story like this), you need to remember to account for pre-existing relationships in some way. Like you have to somehow explain the fact that most of the contestant already know each other (or if they don't, explain why), and be sure to account for things like RD most likely being a big fan of Soarin'.

4. Also like the first comment said, I think you need to give your OC some proper introduction. He sort of appears out of nowhere.

Anyway, enough with the critique. I think the concept is really interesting and there's a lot of potential to make this utterly hilarious. Hope it goes well.