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TheBrianJ

Joined April 2012
545 followers

I am a conglomerate of Engineeriological and Writeological forces with a Ponypreneurial spirit.

Stories (8)

  • The Ship-Off
    Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash have a write-off. The subject? "Romance"

    9,613 words · 10,607 views · 868 likes · 11 dislikes
  • Smiling Flowers
    Cheerilee's Cutie Mark symbolizes her love of teaching...at least, that's what she tells everypony.
    27,984 words · 10,057 views · 859 likes · 12 dislikes
  • The Diary Of An Evil Pony
    Dear Diary. I have selected my new name for this job: "Fleur De Lis." The target's name is Fancy Pants, and he's rich, well-known, and single. This is going to be a breeze.
    8,312 words · 4,853 views · 631 likes · 8 dislikes
  • You Were There
    On the first morning after her sister's return, Princess Celestia does something she hasn't done for a thousand years.
    3,159 words · 3,197 views · 329 likes · 3 dislikes
  • Exit Through Canterlot
    121,988 words · 14,966 views · 1,462 likes · 32 dislikes
  • An Average Delivery
    6,548 words · 1,930 views · 179 likes · 1 dislikes
  • No Destiny
    3,707 words · 825 views · 92 likes · 0 dislikes
  • And So I Wander
    2,661 words · 754 views · 65 likes · 3 dislikes

Blog Posts (106)


What makes a good story? Is it delicate prose and captivating description, as Twilight Sparkle claims, or is it non-stop action and entertainment, as Rainbow Dash has been arguing? With a stalemate between them, they decide there's only one way to settle this once and for all - a write-off!

The prompt? "Romance".

Featured on Equestria Daily!

First Published
11th Aug 2012
Last Modified
11th Aug 2012

Comments ( 142 )

#1 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

molestia would enjoy that story wouldn't she:trollestia:

#2 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

Well, all I can say is that I loved this. It was fun to read, you kept my interest, and managed to make me giggle. I enjoyed it and I think this is going to go in my top five favorite stories. All though, I do wonder what's going to happen to some of the characters. What happened to Pinkie? Did Rarity ever finish her romance story? What?

Oh well. I still enjoyed this very much. Thanks for giving it such detail and interesting scenarios.

#3 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

A very enjoyable story!

I can totally envision this happening one fateful week in Ponyville  the characters were so believable. (although I am not qualified to judge)

This elicited a fave and a thumbsup from me. :twilightsmile:


#4 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

I feel somewhat special here, since apparently I combine Twilightesque nitpickery with Dashian heedlessness, which makes me worse than either of them.   I certainly laughed louder than either of them.

#5 · 88w, 3d ago · 3 · ·

The characters were straight out of the show! You captured their personalities PERFECTLY!!!

#6 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

Congrats on le feature!

#7 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1069610

Thanks! I'm a little stunned it's there, but at the same time, now that it's there, hoping it climbs the feature list!

#8 · 88w, 3d ago · 1 · ·

We're all stunned when we're up there. I mean, the feature bar is always set for stun.

I have a feeling though that at some point recently the algorithm for making featured changed. I'm noticing you don't need nearly as many views as you used to (which is a good thing). The way it seems now, with this combined with shorter time on the expanded feature bar, the purpose of the bar will shift to highlighting the five to ten good fics that come and go each week as opposed to showcasing three juggernauts each week. In the end it benefits the readers who are looking for reading more than two fics per week.

#9 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

I felt like you really nailed the characters quite well and I was laughing throughout the whole story so I'd consider that a success :raritywink:.  Although obviously the whole romance thing would not happen in the show I could totally see something similar happening.  I did notice one tiny error and I wanted to point it out

It was an attitude that lead to her discovering her love of singing when she turned five, after being assigned a musical assignment by her teacher, Mrs. Silver Shimmer.

That lead should either be led or would lead.

Keep up the great work! :twilightsmile:

Edit:  Also I just noticed you were in the featured box.  Congrats, you definitely deserve it!

#10 · 88w, 3d ago · · 2 ·

Both Dash and Twilight are wrong.

The best stories are chock full of graphic clop!  :rainbowwild::rainbowwild::rainbowwild:

trolololo!  :trollestia:

#11 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

Cool story bro. I woner how the other Mane 6 would write shipping...

#12 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

>>>"Rainbow, imagine if all the backstory of Daring Do was gone," Twilight said. "Imagine if she wasn't an archaeologist, she wasn't trying to find artifacts to put them in a museum for all the world to see. Imagine if on page one, she's suddenly in the temple, and just spends the whole book running from traps. What would the book be like then?">>>

It would be a perfect example of a Micheal Bay movie.  :trollestia:

#13 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

Mare and Peace??? Okay, that's a little far... and doesn't even make sense

#14 · 88w, 3d ago · 1 · ·

>>1069790

"It doesn't even make sense"

To quote a wise and powerful creature... "Make sense? What fun is there in making sense?"

Yeah, just kinda reached with that one. I just needed a big-sounding book, and War and Peace kinda fits the bill, haha.

#15 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1069790

...at least I thought that until I saw Anpony and Cleopatrot...

#16 · 88w, 3d ago · 1 · ·

>>With a big smile on her face, Rainbow nodded. "Yeah! Action packed, exciting, guaranteed to hook a reader! Great, ain't it? And for the record, there's plenty of plot. Check page twenty-seven.">>

Dear Celestia!  I started laughing before I even read the next paragraph because I already knew exactly what Dash was talking about!  :rainbowlaugh:

#17 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1069802

...A quote by Discord: the Deity of Chaos

... But within every chaos, there exists that basis of order... just as every order is distraught with chaos..."

#18 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

This story was, simply put, awesome.  Rainbow Dash and Twilight both are perfectly in character throughout - so much so that it could almost have been an episode save for the sauciness of Dash's story.  While I hadn't expected Twilight's story to be quite so awful (you'd think reading so much would gift her with a better understanding of the balance necessary to craft a good story), I could see early on that the answer would be a balance between their two extremes would be the solution/moral at the end.  The quality of the writing, however, was such that I really didn't mind being able to predict where it would go and instead was able to enjoy the ride.

That said, there are some questions left unresolved, such as what happens to Pinkie after they leave.  I'm assuming the others were able to calm her down and make her realize no one was out to take her place.  Also, no one even bats an eye when both Rainbow Dash and Twilight's stories were about two mares.  I could see a comedic lack of surprise that Rainbow Dash had written a lesbian story, but it would have been a good opportunity for a laugh or two if Dash expected some kind of reaction or surprise only to learn that everyone already assumed she was a lesbian.

#19 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

>>A few short hours later, Rainbow Dash and Twilight sat across from one another at Carousel Boutique. They had been waiting for quite a while, just passing the time and occasionally exchanging glares at each other. Finally, the back door to the boutique opened, and Rarity stepped through.>>

A few HOURS later?  She read BOTH stories in a few hours?!  Holy crap, Rarity is either a ponydroid or a Time Pony!  There's no other way she could have read so quickly!

Unless she stole a Time Turner from Hogwarts and read the books for 3 days, then came back in time to only a few hours after she started to prevent the narrative of the story she's in from dragging... but that would mean Rarity knows she's in a story!  She's like Pinkie!!  :pinkiegasp:

#20 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

One of most ingenious premises I have seen on this site carried out to its sensible and hilarious conclusion. Characters are brilliantly written and each distinctly retains the voice that makes them who they are. I daresay this is even a step up from Smiling Flowers. That's an accomplishment of which you should be very proud.

One question that is sadly left unanswered is that of Pinkie! Does she defend her title as "best party pony"? :pinkiesad2:

In terms of grammatical & style critiques:

1. "Handmade" is a single word. (Although it should probably be "hoofmade".)

2. "Intelligent or dimensionless?" Both are adjectives, which sound awkward after comparing and contrasting nouns for the last few lines.

3. ". . . I can write a romance story just as good as anypony, and I'll prove it to you!" -Twilight. Good is an adjective, but the adverb "well" should take its place since it is modifying the verb "write". And Twilight would definitely get that right.

But otherwise this looks great. Fantastic work, truly. :twilightsmile: I look forward to your future writing!

#21 · 88w, 3d ago · 1 · ·

>>Celestia looked the two stories over for a moment before picking one up and laying back down on the bed, reading over the cover.

"A Daring Dash… this looks interesting!">>>

The continuation:  As Celestia poured over Dash's story, her muzzle began to flush and a fine layer of sweat began to build upon her brow.  Her breath became quickened, raspy, and heavy with panting as her heart raced.  The Princess' hind legs shifted, first every few minutes, then every few seconds as a low murmur of bliss emanated from her throat.  She turned a page.  She gasped at what she read.  Her front right hoof swept between her legs as she reached a crescendo.

Suddenly, her pastel hued mane flashed to pink as a cry that would be remembered from that day forth in infamy bellowed through the castle halls, "I CAME!!!"

Pinkie Pie jumps in, "And that's how Molestia was made!"  :pinkiehappy:

trolololo!   :trollestia:  (Good lord this story gave me so much to work with!  I loved it!)

#22 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1069872

I kinda figure that as soon as she realized the dross she was working with, she just skimmed.

>>1069885

Thanks for the fixes! As soon as FIMFic stops acting weird i'll go back and make those edits. And although I appreciate the comment, no matter what I write, I will always consider Smiling Flowers to be my opus, if only because it's a story that is very close to my heart, considering I went through something similar a year ago.

>>1069891

Thanks for the comments! And about your "continuation"....erm, yeah, not gonna declare that canon, haha.

#23 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1069923  Heh heh heh.  I'm so bad.  >:3

fwe
#24 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

I lolled.

#25 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

*The sounds of an argument echo out of a small house a mile away from the northern edge of Ponyville, a certain group of ponies and a man having an argument.*

Well I think it's proper emotional effect that marks a good story! When a character dies, a piece of you should die with them!

:rainbowdetermined2: And I think it's explosions and crazy stunts that hold the attention of a reader! They should read on in AWE as the main character knocks out two guards and kick a third within ten seconds!

:twilightangry2: And I think if the scenes don't use intelligent language, then it can't be called a 'story' at ALL! It's a script, a sham, a FAKE!

:rainbowhuh: Are you calling Daring Do a FAKE, Twi'?!

You're both screwed in the head! Stories use simple language all the time, but the bad ones don't immerse the reader, and give them a world to occupy!

:duck: How long have they been at this...?

:pinkiesmile: *Munches on some popcorn*, about fifteen minutes.

:duck: Ah.

:raritywink: Mind if I partake in your snack and show?

:pinkiehappy: The more the merrier!

*Rarity and Pinkie watch as the small group's argument rages on.*

#26 · 88w, 3d ago · 1 · ·

Twilight brags that a good story must have good pacing. She takes 25 pages of exposition to set up the setting before even introducing the protagonist. :rainbowhuh:

...I saw that "Twilight's mom is author of Daring Do books" a mile away, at about the second mention of Twilight's mom and her secret. Then I started reading the bit about Rainbow's story. At first I was like :twilightoops: and then I was like :pinkiesick: but then I was like :rainbowlaugh:

This. Was. Awesome. Also... Rarity critiques Rainbow's grammar, Twilight's story (the excerpt) has more grammatical mistakes. She uses "it's" as a possessive adjective when the apostrophe makes it a contraction of pronoun and verb. "Its" is the possessive adjective. :twilightangry2:

#27 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

Good, but found an error, being the grammar nazi that I am :pinkiecrazy:

"The next train to Canterlot leaves in fifteen minutes. If we're lucky, we can probably get there within an hour. I don't know if Princess Celesita will look at them, but if she does, I know that she's always preferred shorter stories to longer ones…"

#28 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

That was a good read! xD

#29 · 88w, 3d ago · 1 · ·

My Alter ego, Brosef Stallion, Approves of your story.

You captured my attention in this story. and now I feel like Arguing about what makes a good story.

Fave, Thumbs up and Two Moustaches for you

:moustache::moustache:

You are a Gentleman and a scholar, young squire.

#30 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1068703

Wrong age path for her.

#31 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

I knew both would end up being wrong. And oh, poor Celestia...

#32 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

"Oohhhhhh, a story! Well, you're gonna need some words in there, that's a given. Probably a lot of them, actually. Nouns, verbs, adjectives, the works. Oh, and you'll need characters, too! They're important. Let's see, you'll probably want a location in there as well, those are always helpful. This sounding about right, Twi?" :derpytongue2:

Do I see a hint of Wheatley?

#33 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

it was funny

#35 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

I kinda expected the results. Dash has little reasoning, Twilight's is full of useless information. If they worked together...

Also, I like the idea of Twi's mother writing Daring Do. That... actually might explain why she has all of them.

Good read :twilightsmile:

#36 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

Rainbow, you should know better than to be writing Real Pony Fic! And about Twilight's mother!

Great story! It's nice to see the horseshoe on the other hoof when Applejack needs to warn Twilight about being too competitive.

#37 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

Is it bad that I kind of want to read Dash's story?

#38 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

Hehehe I kinda expected :trollestia: to be the one to make this story a story (if that makes any sense) (like she would be writing a story about her faithful student writing stories...screw it cue the yo dawg meme)

#39 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

This is a hilariously funny story. You portrayed the characters perfectly but I thought the scene with pinkie was a bit dark. I have to admit that i would have really enjoyed reading Celestia's reaction to Rainbow Dash's story.

#40 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

Hilarious story, and a poignant commentary on storytelling in general.  We tend to get hung up on one aspect or another when writing or reading stories, but in reality, a story is a cocktail of different elements.   A story needs interesting, engaging characters, but it also needs to have interesting things happening to those characters, and while detailed writing is needed to an extent to establish scenes, flooding a story with detail creates a plodding story.  Balance in all things.

:pinkiegasp:

Okay, you can have a heavier dose of sugar, I suppose.

:pinkiesmile:

#41 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

And then Rarity became the pony version of Danielle Steel, and made millions. :raritystarry:

#42 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

Was hoping it would be like "Douche Off" from Barats and Baretta.

7/10. Would read again.

#43 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

That was really funny. Rainbow's obsession with Twilight's mom was really weird. If I was Twilight I would have thrown her out of my house. I think I am guilty of some of the crimes Twilight committed. I think I need to go revise my story. Good thing I haven't submitted it yet. :twilightblush:

Also, I thought Twilight's mother was named Twilight Velvet?  

#44 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

And, a shitstorm is near (or just stroke)

#45 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

Well played, sir, well played.

#46 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

Thermonuclear shitstorm in 3.....2....1....

FIRING.

This was well played mate. They really should leave this to someone more trained. However, I thought Twilight would have been able to stay on track... Rainbow was just flat out spot on though.

#47 · 88w, 3d ago · · ·

I want to read Rarity's story. :moustache:

#49 · 88w, 2d ago · · ·

next episode rainbow dash has lesbian relations with twilight's mom while twilight's dad is out of town

and celestia banishes spike to the moon for sending her horrible stories

#50 · 88w, 2d ago · · ·

Oh wow I couldn't stop laughing the entire time! :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

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