Fimfic's favorite painkiller, editorial writer for Equestria Daily, and a blog author for Equestria After Dark.
(One of my submissions for Nanopowrimo)
((OC alert)) Stress Relief is a mare who has always had a knack for making others feel calm and collect. There was never stress in her house because of her. However one particular mode of stress relief is her forte, and how will she break it to her friends and family?
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Oh God....this is just....ugh....
This was certainly interesting. Following out of curiosity.
I am afraid to read this.
That was uh...*Whistles* Wow. I''m a little scared to know what job she is going to take. Also may wan to change it to mature.
Oh god.... Must continue reading....
1068810
It's just a story. You can stop reading at any time.
1068946
Only reason that it isn't mature is because I'm refraining from going into the details, if you know what I mean. There is a difference between reference and clop, and I want to stay on the reference side.
I know where this is going...
EDIT: I was right
1068975
Bad or good?
I think I like where this is going.
You may proceed...
LIKE
You've got quite the story going! I'll be keeping an eye on it.
1069342
Thank you. Have a good day
1069366
To you as well.
??? What the Back just Happen???
??? What the Back just Happen???
An OC that is premature almost clopping?
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1526_SdyYn.jpg
...not sure if want. It's definitely an interesting idea though, I'll be following this for a while.
1069412
Not almost.
1069110
Good, I guess. I'll track this.
Following this because it says sad and well the end to the first chapter was... Well... Rather saucy for my taste.
So, her special talent is being a slut?
1087074
That can be one interpretation.
1087074 ok your bluntness made me lol
The dialog seems robotic. I suggest you go back and make it more realistic.
Add some contractions, don't use complete sentences. Make it how people actually talk. Other than that, I find this concept to be an interesting one, and this chapter is definitely superior to the previous one.
1089279
I will keep this in mind. Thank you for the constructive criticism.
1089336 Always glad to help!
Another good chapter. I agree with what others above said about the dialogue though, it seems a little robotic. One idea would be to skip a few formal words in a sentence (Such as this- "I will return them when I am finished") and replace them with something along the lines of "I'll return them when I'm done," if that makes sense.
1097422
Noted. Maybe it's just the way that I write. I'll make sure to look out for this when speaking from a character's perspective x.x
You're inproving with the dialogue, but there's a few small details that stuck out to me-
-When one pony talks (Let's say Lotus, for example), there's a new paragraph when another starts to speak.
-I know it's the writing style you're using, but I found that you were using "I" to the point it just got annoying. Try to use another word.
-Like I said before, it's okay to be informal in the dialogue. You can drop the "you" in "thank you" to make it simply "thanks," for example, it sounds a little more natural in this setting.
Other than those little points, it's still a good story and I can't wait for the next chapter.
1105166
Thank you for being patient with me. I'll have to go through this whole thing and do a significant amount of editing.
Edit: Holy crap... I do say I a lot. Whoops... holy crap... I is said a lot.
Hmmm, i expected for things to get a little... saucy...
1105929
Give her time.
Will this be consensual 'saucy', or forceful teenage 'saucy'?
1106871
I have no intention of going past "Teen" rating. But after I finish this story, I might rewrite some of the chapters as, "Clop" material.
This is a grand improvement from the last chapter's dialogue. Sure, there wasn't very much, but still.
Can't wait for the next chapter.
I like the interaction between the narrator and Lotus. The dialogue is a large step forward, too. It's a tiny detail, but I noticed something throughout the chapter-
Here's (something along the lines of) what you wrote:
"I am a fairy princess!" Said Lotus.
It's supposed to be:
"I am a fairy princess!" said Lotus.
It's the proper way to write dialogue, but it isn't completely needed. You can decide.
He's called Filthy Rich for a reason.
One error-
>A feeling shuddered through my body, that the twins wanted to put more on the board, but my thought were interrupted by my favorite teacher acknowledging me, “Stress Relief!” Lotus said, as she moved away from the counter and placed her arm around me
That's a pretty long run-on sentence. Try replacing the comma before "Stress Relief" with a period. Other than that, a nice chapter.
1162110
Thank you. I shall make those changes.
Ouch!
Cliffhanger!
Heh, Stress Relief's parent's question kind of surprised me, but at the same time, she must have known somepony would mention it.
1207299
Yeah, well she is 18 now, and a mare. If massaging comes up, I would be very skeptical of my daughter. Especially since she is a daughter >.>
1207398
If you put it that way, yep.
1068810 Ehh, I started readin it out of boredom. It's actually alot less cloppy than the tags suggest. Still Rated Mature, but it's not all that cloppy. In fact, though I hate to make a pun, it's got more way story than it does "plot".
1272926
That was my attempt. Nice pun by the way
Is it sad that I read this title as "I'm not proud of my species"?
1498611
Not really. Kind of weird though, there is an extra word
1498617
The title got cut off in my window, so i missed the 'al talent', before which they're identical...
1196287
I know right?!
Shit got dark quick!