When Applejack's friends are too busy to help Applebloom may be the one that gets hurt.
I think you just broke my neck.
It felt rushed a bit.
The ending was strange in particular, but I see you wrote it with certain intentions in mind.
Well, you should know that in real life, nurses and doctor's are immediatelly called when the life monitor flatlines, and it is very unlikelly everypony would just be like "Okay, she's dead, too bad. Let's grab some lunch and puck up the body tommorow?"
>>10676611067661 Cheer up, you've got more likes than dislikes so you got that going for you.
Err how is this rated for everyone?
All the others are and those don't have a happy ending.
>>10677641067764 I see but if it involves someone dying or being dead it's usually rated either teen or mature, though that is just me
You read the ending yet?
>>10677891067789 No not yet which I should have. My bad.
>>10678001067800 Not bad, though it seems a bit rushed but overall not bad. I will give it a like. And don't worry about this fic thumbing down, these stories are usually thumb down no matter what. We got too many sensitive people here
Ya I keep getting stuff about it being rushed but really do i need to explain how the ponies attitudes at the beginning are?
You didn't have too, like some parts coulda have been extended a bit you know? Add a bit more details and this should improve the story overall.
I wanted to make a nice short little sad story with a happy ending not write half a book
>>10678881067888 Since you put it that way, then you did it right!
That's what i was aiming for.
>>10677641067764 I'm not sure if this will help, but let me pull out a quote from a book I have, "Lives of the Novelists: A history of fiction in 294 lives":
"Aged eighteen, lying about his age, and under a fake name, [Edgar Allan] Poe enlisted in the US Army, on a salary of $5 a month. In the same year, 1827, he published at his own expense his first volume: Tamerlane and Other Poems. It was universally ignored." (98-99)
I'm putting this up here to encourage you to continue writing; not every great begins great. If you like what you're doing, then I say continue. That's my attempt at helping, and I hope for the best with you.
It all depends on if I get an idea and want to write it.
>>10679331067933 Well if you do, then I wish you the best of luck.
Well, it's... not bad. Aside from a few missed commas it's technically competent, and it does what it set out to do. The only problem is, as others have said, that it feels rushed. This is meant to be an emotional story, but you give us no space in which to feel the emotions. The dramatic moments zip by so fast that we have no time to register them. It's going through the motions of a sad story rather than actually being one; just because your characters are crying doesn't mean the audience is. As a story it's functional, but didn't impact or move me in any way.
And yes, stories about skull fractures and implied death should have a teen rating. If you wouldn't show it to little girls, don't market it to them.
*Was going to change it to teen then I check it and it said for either gore or sex and the story has neither*
I have heard that it was rushed so many times it was a random short story that I decided to type so it's going to feel rushed if I make it short.
>>10679261067926 Exactly. I have a dA account and I think my art is very advanced for someone my age and yet I find people that have art that's... well... not as... detailed as me but yet they have more comments.
And sometimes it's even just tracing and vectors.
So honestly, you just have keep your head up.
Don't quit just because of a few dislikes.
There's this quote I heard somewhere, "if it's not disliked you're doing it wrong."
Or something like that.
At the end Applejack was like" omfg!!! Facehoof!! "
WAAAAAY too rushed. Any bit of emotion that could have been left was crushed.
That ending! you sneaky bastard!