Just a fun one shot I had an idea for while taking a break between chapters of my other story. Hope you guys enjoy.

Haha, amazing story! I was really worried right before the punchline was delivered. Really, bravo, bravo, great show!

The grammar structure was fine, although I got a bit thrown off at some dialogue -- you usually say what another does, and it takes some time to understand who was talking and who was smiling or doing something else. Remember that one paragraph should focus on one character only, such as:

"I like you," smiled Twilight, getting a smile from Spike in return.

Not like this, this is confusing:

"I like you." Spike smiled.

Or maybe that's jsut me

Also, a teeny tiny complant, the ending with Trixie's thoughts was close to ruining the experience. It was completely unnecesary and defeats the revelation at the marvelous twist you did there. I'd soften it up and change to the polar opposite. Really, I can see the story leaving a much better taste in the mouth without that final monolouge of hers.

Congratulations!

It was a wild ride, and a good deal of wonderful world building, so I give this props!

Also, I agree with what Zethariel said above me. Generally, when another character reacts to dialogue, their part should start new paragraph. It really started becoming a chore of keeping track of who was speaking.

I have to say, I wasn't too happy with the final revelation at the end. It felt out of place and screamed sequel bait.

Still, I enjoyed the story and the action. Good job!

I have nothing to add to the above exept the following:

A story containing, Pirates, Betrayal, friendship and My little Pony?

INSTANT FAVE!

-Jolly Roger

I did remove that final monologue, since you guys seemed to indicate it was unnecessary. I'll have to watch the dialogue markers in the future. Thanks for the tips.

Wasn't sure about it til the ending. You got me good.

Just a heads-up, though: you're doing hanging quotes backwards, and it makes it confusing as to who's saying what.

Correct:

"Something A said." A reacted.

"Something B said." B reacted.

E.g.,

"What is it?" Trixie squinted into the now-uncovered box, wrinkling her nose in confusion.

"It's a pine cone!" Twilight's expression was a mix of confusion and amusement. Pinkie might've called it confusement. "I thought you loved them!"

"What gave you that idea?" Trixie adopted the look of confusement for herself.

Etc.

Edit: And apparently everyone else pointed the same thing out. Derp.

I've noticed you tend to mix up the posting order and it confuses who is saying what, but aside from that this was a most enjoyable story. The fact that it was all an act (I think?) made it all the funnier.

Wow. Trixie approves.

Kind of makes me wish for a crossover (not in this story, it would ruin it, but as alternate universe) with Alan Fesler's "Tales of the Folly," the idea of Twi as an airship/starship captain is suddenly very intriguing.

>>10668621066862 If you like Pirate stories, you should see what Pipsqueak group has for stories (granted it is only a few and I haven't read them yet but they sound good)