Oh God what.

...6/10, could use a bit more character development, it would really just make it a bit stronger.

I really liked it, though.

Hmm. What to say?

Written nicely, the character was slightly overdrawn as somepony really tragic. I believe the reader would bond with Blue better if he knew more of his happier days, and was explained why did his parents neglected him in the first place. Why didn't he go to flight camp, and subsequently why he couldn't fly.

The overall sad tone didn't have the emotional impact at the end, at least not as much as leading a reader from happy times to growing despair and sadness. The act at the end seemed random and not caused by anything, since the situation the colt was in lasted for some time now.

Also, Cherryheart didn't much impact Blue it seems. He should have SOME form of comforting from her, yet he seemed not to care about her in the slightest while making his decisions about ending himself. A real suicide is when EVERYTHING is against you, and I think this was not the case.

Overall a good read, wasn't in the mood for such a piece but I can still appreciate the work

>>10665381066538

Thank you very much for the constructive criticism. I appreciated the blunt nature of your comment. You didn't sugar coat it. :)

I will take what you said and use it to improve the story and develop my writing skills. Thanks again.

>>10664101066410

Thanks for comment, I agree with you, the development is weak. one dimensional if you will. That's why I'm seeking criticism. I'll work to improve the story. :)

Feel free to ignore these comments as you will; I'll let you know now that I'm personally a horrible writer.

I'd personally give this either a 2.5/5 or a 3.5/5. There were places in this story where description went a bit overboard, such as:

"A muffled grunt escaped his lips as the weight of his malnourished body was brought to bear on his slim neck."

It may be just me, but at this climax, the two adjectives bolded here slowed the pace down. I would think that maybe you could've described that earlier in the story, and let the action of this part play out by itself, but that's just me.

"You were born.” Boulder’s voice was full of venom. He kept leaning closer to Blues

face.

"You’re a waste of hide. You're a loser! No pony likes you. Nopony wants to hang with

a faggot like you!" Boulders voice was cold and his lips curled into a sneer.

I like the description here, but the way you have it makes it a bit redundant.

"Tears formed in his deep blue eyes.

Why did we need to know that his eyes were deep blue here? It sounds like you're trying to bolster Blue's character to be sympathetic, which, if I understand sad/tragic fics, should've been done earlier.

I would suggest being careful about your use of adjectives, but your concept was good. I do have to agree with the reviewers above, the characterization and plot-progression was a bit one-dimensional (I can't see how putting a flashback of Fluttershy into the story added anything, or was relevant), but that's about all I can say. There is one thing that bothered me, though: at first you said that he was dealing with humiliation of yesterday, but I had trouble following which part of the action was yesterday's and which part of the action was today's. If it is clear as to what happened when, then take the 3.5. If not, I give it a 2.5.

For grammatical points, I only have 2: minuet and minute are different words, and you kept using minuet (a dance-related term) when it should've been minute (the measurement of time); and when you write "Blues (insert possessive object)", there should've been an apostrophe (Blue's object). Hopefully that helps.

But again, this is only my opinion, and I'm not a good writer in the very least, so take it as you will. I hope you're able to improve in the future.

>>10670781067078

Thank you very much.

The "minuet and minute" flub escaped my attention. That was something I should have caught.

Otherwise, I appreciated the critique. Reading these reviews helps me bring into focus the areas I need improvement in,

I had wondered if the use of so many adjectives was going overboard, at the time I was writing, it didn't seem to be too much. I can see your perspective and i'll make efforts to be more succinct with the re-write.

The whole flashback idea should have been left in the bin, it was flawed from the first draft.

I appreciate your opinion in this. Kudos for not holding back. :)

This was really good. I enjoyed reading this greatly.