I like where this is going so far. Keep up the fairly decent work! I could help with spacing out the story/fixing a few of the small errors here and there if you'd like!

Keep it up! Sorin

I like the way you're handling the situation so far!

((My favorite is Applejack too, and if that ever happened to me, I would be so happy. ))

Keep up the good work! Sorin

>>10694641069464

thanks, is the formatting ok now?

P.S. capter three will be out in about half an hour so if you could give me some comments on that, i'd be "eternally grateful"

also its gonna get a wee bit steamy in there in the next chapter, not dirty , but a few steamy kisses may be shared

P.S.S. How is AJ not the most poular character?

>>10694711069471

Looks good to me, and I only really noticed a few small errors here and there.

I can help point out anything you would want help on if you wanted it!

Like I said, good work so far, and I like the way you're handling the situation.

Sorin

>>10694891069489

why thank you

HA! HA! HA!

First to comment!

yo bro nice work, keep it up

Awesome for words.

>>10710641071064

YAY!!! COMMENTS!

The story is moving a bit fast, but it's acceptable.

>>10740781074078

I'm sorry I understand but I'm working on it

I hope that dosen't mean you won't support my work?

>>10740881074088 I shall support, for the Lunar Republic!

Image: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8ehgqXGra1qlmqi1o1_500.jpg

>>10741551074155

This intrigues me what is this "lunar republic?"

>>10742061074206 We are the rise of Princess Luna against the Sun Tyrant.

May anyone join your noble crusade?

hey guys, this ones a bit weird because I wasn't too sure on how to go about the initial entrance into Equestria so I kinda cut that part short, and I didn't feel very happy with the thought of a drawn out train scene, so I'm very sorry if you think the entrance was rushed, but I do like the main Ponyville part(s)

Y U NO  REMEMBER ZAP APPLE JAM?!?!

no seriously, it just disappeared and wouldn't apple bloom have seen the now most likely well known jar

>>11236841123684

Well mr annoying, if I must explain, Applebloom would most likely already know about Applejacks secret stash, because Applejack can't keep something like that from going amiss, as much demand as there is for the stuff, and it fell out of play because Alex had gotten a taste already in the first steamy bit, also, they didn't focus on it after their exit from the kitchen because they got to share another staemy bit, SO THERE!!

Interesting...let's see where this goes...

EDIT: The story seems alright, save for some grammar errors here and there and a few pacing flaws, other than that, you're on your way to becoming a star. All you need is an editor. If you want, I can fill that role.

Hey there! If you don't mind, can I tear into this? I really feel like this could use a bit of an overhaul. PM me if you want me to read through it.

There's four things I can say right off the bat with a quick cursory glance through your summary:

1) You probably need a human tag. The main character is a human, correct? (At least, that's what I gathered from "boy".)

2) Most stories are written in either first or third person. As such, you probably don't need the (1st person x Applejack) in your summary. Most readers will pick up on your use of the word "I" and read it in first person.

3) If you're on a PC, F7 will help a LOT. A lot of your spelling and grammar mistakes could probably be rectified by a spell-checker. If you're on a Mac, Cmd-: will do the exact same thing. (I'd list them out, but I'm kinda lazy. If you want me to, I'll put up a list.)

4) The term I see most with this type of story (where the pony or ponies are on Earth) is called PoE (for Ponies on Earth, unsurprisingly). As you said, it's very close to HiE, but it's reversed.

>>13457591345759

1) Thanks man, i havent paid much attention to spelling yet sorry

2) im a bit of a fan of 2nd person so i clarified, but ill fix it,

3) the story has only just begun and if you read the latest chapter my character was turned into a pony himself when he went into equestria, so i avoided both HiE, and PoE, and human tag, because its gonna be a long one, so the rest of the story my character will be a pony himself, so i decided against the human tag

Thanks for the help, ill get on fixing details soon, but right now im undergoing a long recovery from a bad accident about a month ago, hence the reaso i didnt reply promptly,

~Axel

Okay, you have something promising here. Just three things-

1. SLOW DOWN!

The pacing and time frame of your first three chapters is way too fast.

2. Editing.

There's spelling errors all over the place. Might want to look into getting an editor for this.

3. Pony description.

Just putting a link to a picture isn't enough. Either the writing needs to stand on its own, or the images need to form a part of the story comic/picture book style. Probably should go for the former, seeing as there's only one pic in the whole story.

Tracked.

>>15193731519373

I couldnt agree more, since i broke my good hand ive read through and wanted to fix it, but writing has been too much of a challenge recently, and whenever someone offers editing service, they flake on me, i truly want to clean up, revise some details, fix pacing and spelling errors, and all that good stuff, i actually left out alot of things i had in mind but wanted to put in, i just havent been able to get any help. a friend of mind who is another author on here is gonna be helpig me soon though, i truly am grateful for the advice, and hope that youll still support this story, just be patient tho, big thing will be going down on this story soon as im better, just wait an' see!

>>15232291523229 If you really want a proof reader, there's a group you can submit too. If you don't want to go through that, I'd be happy to give it a go for you.

>>15233751523375

Im cool with that if youre not gonna flake on me

>>15232291523229

Just one thing: PLEASE DON'T MAKE THIS A CLOPFIC.

>>16626011662601

No prob bro, anything between the two is almost certain to not be in descriptionor just a passed over with mention later, im not into all that graphic, straight up tell anything that happens, if the two do have "relations" in the story, its not gonna be a huge part, only for love and the advancement of the plot,

EX: then the light was turned of.... The next day they woke up ETC

So i gotcha buddy

~Axel