Even in a world of love, there are those ponies who sleep alone, and go on their days alone. Where is the love, when it is all around you?
I hope there is a second chapter to this
i read the thing i saw the space part i knew it wasnt rarity then i saw kindness and hit me like a nuclear bomb and the angel was somone walking around yelling its flutter shy duh
oh and the story i liked it
Okay, that was pretty good. Made me feel a whole lot better. Good job.
"...there was always a nagging sense of he being the odd one out." Do you mean "she" here?
I'll look for more now. Liking it.
Lordy this needs to be featured pronto.
>>10625731062573 I appreciate the the thought, but knowing me that will never happen
Just need some more likes! You need to advertise this story somehow. Go on every social site you know and tell everyone to read it! Or something. I mean, I like it and whether it gets featured or not won't change that.
You were saying?
Tracked, liked, thumbs up
>>10629541062954 Well then... I was most definitely wrong. And I am glad I was
It was a nice fanfic. As someone who also has love problems, I know how it feels. Right now I'm between loneliness and wanting to find love, but at the same time scared of having to suffer again if it fails. So resuming, I felt identified with this fanfic
Short and sweet wee story, and to top it all off, there was no mistake or errors that I noticed A moustache for you
MOAAAAAAR ... if that's okay with you
Very sweet, with just a hint of a twist. If there's more, I am so there.
Lonely Is The World - Black Sabbath
/wipes manly tear
That was just... magnificent.
Congratulations. You doubted yourself, but woddja lookie at that there feature bar? Your name is on it. Your story deserves it.
I'm gonna write something on your page when I get home.
I love sweet sad fics
D'aaaawh. Sneaky little pony.
Ooh... I like it. Interested in seeing more.
Please keep writing, I'll keep reading.
Damn. This is probably one of the more touching stories I've read. Me being lonely probably isn't going to help my feels after this.
Short, yet still managing to get me into that D'awwwww mood, please tell me youre gonna write more, I would totally read it if you did :D
>>10644381064438 On this story, it probably won't have more. But for new stories, I do plan on writing more.
>>10640711064071 Thanks And I don't usually get near the feature, so I just didn't really expect it.
>>10642191064219 I will keep writing, that I will my friend.
A very beautiful, very sweet short story. You manage to get in a lot of emotion while still creating an entirely new world for the characters (where so much has happened between them) without dumping everything on us so suddenly, like many fics tend to do.
My only complaint is that Twilight's realization that she has to listen comes a bit too abruptly. It just feels like "Smarty Pants" says one thing, and suddenly Twilight has a grand realization. I would have liked to have seen that stretched out a bit more. Just some food for thought.
But yeah, very nicely done. Earns a thumbs up, and most definitely deserves to be featured.
OK, I'm gonna say this. And it's probably gonna hurt.
But I don't like this story. It drips with wangst. Granted, not as badly as SOME weepfics (Like "Deal With the Devil"), but it's evident.
The writing style isn't that bad. It moves the story along comfortably, but nothing about it is captivating or rich in its delivery and content. For example,
Twilight titled her head over to the side and closed her eyes, giving thought as to what she wanted to do. Another deep sigh escaped her lungs as she chose the path she wished to walk on. The path she chose was that of both silence and the road of speech. It was just a matter of picking which to start with, and that was a truly difficult scenario. There was so much that she wished she could talk about, but wasn't sure about; there was also the things that she needed to talk about as well.
Now, this isn't that bad, but it still kind of reads in a way that just isn't eye-catching or thought-provoking. In writing, this is "fast food". You don't want fast food, you want a FEAST. So what to do? How can we improve this paragraph?
Simple. We begin by analyzing the idea behind the paragraph:
IDEA: Twilight decides which option she wants to take, and decides to spill her heart to Smarty Pants.
Next, we think over how we can say or express this. There is the danger of not being descriptive or informative enough, and then there is the danger of phrasing something in a way that's off-throwing and confusing. Then there's the danger of putting far too much into one sentence. Here's what we could do:
1. Write the sentences as they come to you.
2. Afterward, go back and read it. Read every paragraph of your story out loud, as if narrating to a listening audience. (You wouldn't believe just how many mistakes you can fix through this step alone. If it doesn't sound right when spoken aloud, it's gonna sound bland, confusing, or just plain wrong to others!)
3. Think over what you may add to a paragraph, or what you can take away. When there isn't anything left to subtract, you have a great paragraph--and a great story.
Twilight's eyes escaped Smarty Pant's thoughtful gaze as she thought over her options. What she could say, wanted to say, didn't want to say, how she could or couldn't say it... to lay out her complete insecurity, bare, before her inanimate childhood friend. She sighed, and began her story.
And, boom. We have the same idea, but at a brisker pace and a more involving text.
I think you have a lot of potential in the field of writing, P0nies. You just need some more practice, and this is a good start. You're decent enough already, but I want to see you improve.
Oh, and some final fridge logic. If Applejack and Rainbow Dash dated, and then broke up and went on bad terms with each other, would that mean that the Elements of Harmony they possessed would stop working? It's kind of the reason I avoid shipping between members of the Mane Cast, myself. If the relationship fails, their friendship might become damaged as a result, and then the Elements would become disorganized and discombobulated.
Why hello there. A twilight fic?
*drops everything and turns attention to the screen*
Will definitely read...
*notices the time*
This story makes me glad to be asexual. Oh, and Twilight is schizo.
Couldn't help it. Fuck the time!
*falcon punches the clock*
I gotta agree with Arcane. This was a wonderful story, and it seems to have a lot of lead up for a sequel of sorts. One I imagine lots of people (myself included) would be delighted to read.
>>10646221064622 This here is very important advice for anyone perusing the comments! (so I wanna thank you too because I'm trying to improve mahself )
One comment however on your last tidbit: for the purposes of this story, I don't think it matters about what's going on with the elements of harmony. I think stories like this can be a teeny weency bit more lax on big-picture details like that. Still a good point to keep in mind for more serious endeavors.
Sadly, I could totally identify with the first two paragraphs.
Also, Stalkershy is creeeepy. Surely she could have come up with a better plan than this. What is she going to do if Twilight ever finds out about this?
The only appropriate response. :
Make a sequel this was good
>>10649091064909 Bury the body, and build a house over the place where she buried the body, then burn the house down. That's what she'll do.
Well, I suppose that is one way. Though I hear that lime is a good way to destroy certain... ah, things...
By Jove, you've stumbled across MurderShy's secret!
WHAT IF Fluttershy, knowing Twilight's compulsive need to console her friends, killed her own bunny in an attempt to garner sympathy and affection from Twilight? After waiting and hearing nothing on the subject, she goes to great length employing subtle, manipulative methods to nudge Twilight in the desired direction.
Not bad. Not bad at all.
>>10650951065095 And then Buffy staked Edward. The end.
Was the pegasus at the end the pony Twilight was going to talk with?
Because if it was, I will give you my complete artistic respect for leaving that pegasus nameless, since it's irrelevant information, and so many other fanfic writers usually give the stupidest fake names to their characters...
But if not, then I'm not satisfied with the ending. But holy shit, THIS WAS SO GOOD.
Smartypants is a SHE, not a HE.
So... Fluttershy finaly killed him. :)
Sad on the start but that was a really sweet ending. Very nice.
So I was browsing around Unread stories to make sure the unread still works. I see this. Since Steam wasn't working, I restarted my laptop. I never expected to see it again.
It got featured.
So I read it and it's amazing.
The small insignificant things may become amazing if you just look at them.
I'm Super Soni-Chaos Kinesis Gaia and I remember it so YOU don't have to. Peace.
FLUTTERSHY KILLED SOMEPONY?!!
WHY ARE YOU SMILING?!! THIS IS SERIOUS!!
Wait? Are you implying-
Slander. I don't approve of the slander.
That... that ending.
>>10658861065886 Killed somepony? Nah just angel.
Um... Could you please post more, you know... If you don't mind.