I'm a lazy writer who loves what I do, but is too lazy to write half the time. If you have an idea for a story, shoot it at me though. I just might take it♥
The war has been going for such a short time, and already Equestria is depleting. Applejack's been sent to work with the residents of Ponyville, providing crops and food for them with the powers she has both as an Element and an Earth Pony. When the time comes, how much power does she have? How far can she push herself to keep everypony fed?
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Pretty good, but I noticed a few changes you should make.
in first paragraph,
you need to add the word 'else' after 'anything.'
replace the second 'it' in the sentence: "she clenched it tightly in her teeth, and began shaking it." with 'her head.' It sounds better that way.
replace the third 'it' in the last sentence with 'the bell,' as you never actually said it was a bell.
In second paragraph,
replace 'Her shaking' with 'The tolling of the bell'
In the sentence: 'heard the sound of a door slamming shut and Apple Bloom's hooves against the ground,' replace 'and' with 'followed by'
In third paragraph,
replace the word: 'the' with 'their' in the sentence: "lifting three apples in her teeth by the rough brown stems"
In fourth paragraph,
replace: "said Derpy, shaking her head" with "Derpy said with a soft shake of her head"
In fifth paragraph,
replace: "said Applejack, gently patting her on the shoulder." with: "Applejack said while gently patting her shoulder."
In seventh paragraph,
replace the word "be" in "Now be along" with the word "git" as it fits with AJ's speech patterns.
In eighth paragraph,
the sentence: ""Yes sis," replied Apple Bloom dutifully" should read "Yeah sis." AppleBloom replied dutifully" I don't believe Applebloom says yes, and since 'sis' is the last thing she says, it needs to end in a period, not a comma.
In ninth paragraph,
You need a period, not a comma after 'Pierce'
General note: I'm almost positive Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon aren't related, but I guess they could be, theoretically. Of course, authors can bend canon if they so choose.
In tenth paragraph,
replace 'sniff' with 'sniffle'
In eleventh paragraph,
it should read, "Diamond Tiara mumbled"
In twelfth paragraph,
it should read, "Silver Spoon added" not the other way around.
In thirteenth paragraph
replace 'okay' with 'ya' hear?', as that is more in line with her speech patterns.
In the fifteenth paragraph,
the sentence: 'As the line shortened, less adult ponies were there and more fillies and colts,' would be better as: 'As the line shortened, there were less adult ponies and more fillies and colts'
" which they were eager to thank her for and run off" would be better as "for which they were eager to thank her for before running off"
In sixteenth paragraph,
"How are you today?" would be more in line with AJ's speech pattern if it were, "How're ya'll doing today?" (AJ uses ya'll even when only referring to one pony)
In eighteenth paragraph,
"insisted AppleJack" would be better as "AppleJack insisted"
replace "booth" with "cart," as you already used the word cart to describe it, and a cart and a booth are very dissimilar.
In nineteenth paragraph,
capitalize the 'He' as in 'he bawled'
In twentieth paragraph,
insert the word 'already' between 'ones' and 'dying'
replace the word "lied" in the sentence: "thankful her choked voice masked the obvious tone that proved she lied." with was lying.
In twenty-first paragraph,
put the word 'grubby' in front of hoof.
In the twenty-sixth paragraph,
'and what Applejack could only guess at' would be better as 'and fluids the nature of which Applejack could only guess at"
In the twenty-ninth paragraph,
replace 'sniff' with 'sniffle'
In thirty-third paragraph,
it should be 'Roseluck added' not 'added Roseluck'
In thirty-fourth paragraph,
replace 'that' with 'this'
In thirty-fifth paragraph,
it should be 'Roseluck said hurriedly' instead of 'said Roseluck hurriedly'
instead of 'accenting the 'his'', it should be 'accenting the word 'his''
In thirty-sixth paragraph,
it should be 'Applejack started'
From the description, this looks like it's going to be great!
And from the tags, it doesn't look like it'll be mighty happy either. This should be a fun read. Keep it up.
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