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Though many fear her, Princess Luna is responsible for guarding the ponies while they sleep, both from the monsters that creep forth from the Everfree Forest to devour their bodies, and from the nightmare beings that rise out of the Deeper Slumber to devour their souls.  As the sun dips below the horizon, Luna readies herself for yet another night of battle.

First Published
7th Aug 2012
Last Modified
7th Aug 2012
#1 · 116w, 4d ago · · ·

Awesome. I enjoyed reading it, and I'm certain I'll enjoy reading more.

I've only had one read through, so don't take any of these comments as binding, but my first thoughts are as follows:

1) Your opening is too purple. I personally think it's because you're trying to pack too much description into a single sentence. Regardless, there are times where I had to reread the sentence in order to get the meaning you were trying to convey. It drops off as the chapter goes on, so it's not too terrible. Certainly something to take another look at/get a second opinion on, though.

2) Your Luna's a very different beast from what we've seen in Nightmare Night and The Elements of Harmony. At times, it almost feels OOC. I think the main bulk would rest on whether this is pre or post NN Luna: pre would make a lot of sense, but post would feel widely out of character. I would not expect that much passive aggressiveness towards Celestia from a post-NN Luna.

So, yeah. That's that. Looking forwards to seeing where you'll take it/I'm getting mild Old Kingdom vibes from this.

#2 · 116w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1040863

This is my headcanon version of Princess Luna, who I freely admit deviates from canon.  I'm trying to work her out of my system here so I can attempt to be more show-accurate in other works.

#3 · 116w, 3d ago · · ·

Im going to be honest, I haven't read the whole thing (I will, eventually), but your attention to detail is very welcome. You overall writing shows much promise :twilightsmile:

#4 · 116w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1048067

Thank you.  We aim to be descriptive.  :twilightblush:

#5 · 116w, 3d ago · · ·

Very good story, hooked me rather fast. Though, quite frankly, it is always a bit of a pain when I need a translator to figure out what everypony is saying.

Having said that, however, it did not detach from the flow and feel of the story. Good job.

#6 · 116w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1048187

Meh heh.  :rainbowlaugh:  I guess that's a hazard with a Luna-centered story!  (Don't I get any credit for at least getting her grammar mostly right?  Not a single "thou hath" in the whole story!)  Honestly, I don't know where the wraiths' brogue comes from--seeing as how they've been living in holes in the ground for a thousand years, I want them to sound archaic and rustic without having the same grammar as Luna.

#7 · 116w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1048227

Of course. I always hold an appreciation for creative language that is both consistent and interesting. It just because a bit unnerving when I have to reread each sentence to make sure they aren't swearing or something.

#8 · 116w, 2d ago · · ·

Great style!

#9 · 116w, 2d ago · · ·

Amazing!

I like the style you wrote.

I have read some Luna's fictions which metion she is the princess/goddess of the night/moon/mystries.

But this is my first time to read a fiction about she's running her duty to protect the dreamland.

It's an interesting and exciting fiction.

Good job and I'll be very glad to read the further chapters.

#10 · 116w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1048458

I think there are one or two other stories with that premise, but I haven't read them and am afraid I can't direct you to them.

My sources of inspiration are H. P. Lovecraft's Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath (to which I made a few references), and perhaps more especially John C. Wright's fantastic War of the Dreaming, which takes Lovecraft's dream-universe and makes it twenty percent cooler.

#11 · 116w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1040863

One of the reasons why Luna might be passive-aggressive in this story is that Celestia gets big celebrations for the dawning of a new day, with many Canterlot ponies in attendance and trumpets blazing, while Luna brings on evenings atop her lonely spire without any fanfare, all the Cantelot ponies apparently too busy with their nightly soirees or siestas to care. Thus, while Luna has apparently made peace with her bigger sister after the Main Six knocked some sense into the Lunar Princess with the Elements of Harmony it wouldn't surprise me if a small part of the old jealousy endured. I mean, Luna first rebelled because she felt unappreciated by the common ponies, who "relished and played in the day her elder sister brought forth, but shunned and slept through her beautiful night." The situation from the prologue still hasn’t changed, it seems...

#12 · 116w, 1d ago · · ·

...:pinkiegasp:LUNA IS NOW MOST BADA$$ PONY!!!

#13 · 116w, 1d ago · · ·

Love the style! Its so complex and atmospheric. And you sure know how to write in Shakespearian English and Scottish!

#14 · 116w, 1d ago · · ·

Ponies and Lovecraft? PROFIT! :pinkiehappy:

Now seriously, interesting take on "Mistress of the Night".

Of the top of my head another story that touched on this aspect of Luna was "Eternal", but barely touched it.

Definitely has to be a pre-NN Luna. Different story, but really interesting!

#15 · 115w, 1d ago · · ·

Seeing "To be concluded" at the end of this really killed my good mood. I was really enjoying this fic, but now that it's possible that the next part could be the end... I don't know if I could take it, man! You'll get a favorite anyway, because I get the feeling that the next part will be a wild ride. :twilightsmile::heart:

#16 · 103w, 4d ago · · ·

Freaking awesome. I hope you continue this one day.

#17 · 98w, 1d ago · · ·

reactions/thoughts as I read:

Beginning was a little slow (purple) and took a while grab my attention.  At the same time I enjoyed your vocabulary.  I feel educated and get an ego boost whenever I run across a lesser-known word that I don't need to lookup.

After Luna was awoken by Shivers, I immediately verified that this story was not tagged romance.  I am not a big fan of shipping.

With the events of the new episode (Sleepless in Ponyville), Morpheus Luna is confirmed as cannon.

Kung foo Luna is awesome Luna.

Definitely feeling an Old Kingdom vibe as Aquillo mentioned.

Why is there no Luna emoticon?

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