This was pretty good. I like it.

I liked this so much! Instant fave! :)

First. edit: Damn Netnauter and SteeveLee, you bet me on it

That was one great oneshot!

I kind of had the same impression of celestia. wouldn't she feel a bit bad for letting Twi do all the dirty work? and you put that on paper!

5 spikes and a green thumb on the way:

Don't get me started on the changeling fiasco. That episode convinced me that the writers made Celestia a good character by accident, and then had no idea how to effectively use her without making her as crappy as everyone else.

Bit of criticism here, the story seemed REALLY off paced, and lacked the finer details, example being when twilight passed Celestia`s chambers and she finally spoke, you forgot to include that she actually entered her chambers, and other small things here and there, and it just all moved by way too fast, this could have been strung out in a 6k word story, to give it more feeling, and giving people more time to connect with the characters and the way they were feeling. I am not saying it was bad, just saying it could use some polishing.

YES! YESYESYESYES! FINALLY a story where Princess Celestia isn't a troll, or a maniac! FAVING and congrats on the feature-box. This was way better than I thought it was.

For some reason, I thought this was gonna be a Twilestia story, but that's just me not paying attention to the tags It's nice to see a story that focuses on Celestia admitting that she is essentially a useless character despite being a goddess and apologizing for it. Overall, I thought it was written fairly well.

PS, congrats on getting your first fic featured.

I would rate this as a 2.5 out of 5 stars.

Technically sound, there aren't enough grammar errors to detract from the story. And the characters stay in character.

The story is cute, but does not stand out. All in all I'd say that it's a solid writing exercise, but needs more thought to make it into a memorable story.

Hey I just wanted to say that after reading this oneshot story I have to disagree with what everyone else's comments here and say that I think you did a great job here with this one chapter and the way that princess celestia was apologizing to her student even though twilight at first didn't at first accept the apology and then told her that it was okay she still wanted to at least try and make things right but was all smiles afterwards I guess what I'm trying to say here is you can never let your emotions get the best of you or they will just tear your friendship apart no matter what and that's a lesson we can all learn from my dear friends

prettey good story she should feel bad also no

Another twilesta story i though. And I'm happly mistanken. Good work.

>>10453151045315

The entire episode was wonky, like it didn't belong in the series to begin with.

As for Celestia, all I can say is, even if she basically raised Twilight, Twilight was accusing her -blood family- of being evil. Would you believe it if your closest friend came up to you and told you that your beloved sibling or parent or whatnot was up to some horrible thing without proof, but there was a perfectly reasonable explanation why your friend might be losing their mind?

You want to know how you did? You did FREAKIN AMAZING!

The tone of the characters were great and the story istelf was amazing! Keep up the good work!

>>10455631045563 I totally get where you're coming from, but I'm more fussed about how they treated her. Even if Twilight was going fruity-loops, then giving her a dressing down is a pretty petulant way to deal with things. Yes, I'd expect your average parent to do it, but for a who-knows-how-old Princess Celesta? I'm sorry, I just can't buy it. If you had an ounce of real wisdom, you'd be a complete bitch to handle things that way.

NOBODY does something like that without a reason, and anyone worth their salt would be asking why, and not admonishing. This is why I feel like it dragged Celestia down to being just a pony with wings and a horn, and not the wise princess she's sold as.

I love it when Celestia is shown as being human like everyone else. Or would it be she's a pony like everypony else?

>>10455941045594

Aye, while I generally agree since the entire episode was based around the Mary Sue/Gary Stu combo of Cadence and Shining, therefore no other character was meant to be able to shine brighter than them.

I guess I can still also feel HOW it would be plausible. It's all I said before, plus the fact that not-Cadence was made to cry on her special day. So, while I can kind of see where it's coming from, I'm well aware how bullshit the entire episode was for preexisting established characters.

>>10456371045637 Can't argue with that. Shining Armour was a horrible crowbar, and Cadence is just a horrible character.

>>10456501045650

They were sorta fun if I didn't try to look at them in a literary sense. Just... being retconned into the main character's history all of a sudden, invalidating much of established canon. Nevermind that Cadence is the OC of Sibsy's daughter. The only canon alicorn Mary Sue OC.

I did like parts of the episode, just not the main theme.

This is good

'I know it's not that great'

Incorrect, while short, this is an excellent portrayal of the relationship between Twillight and Celestia following the changeling attack. True, it seems like it ends rather suddenly but I personally think it was a very nice ending.

A very nice simple first story, well written.

Have a mustache.

>>10456671045667 Cadence's power will forever stop me from being able to take the character seriously. I know lots of people have launched into apologetics about how it's not really manipulative, but I'm a moral philosopher, and I've yet to be convinced that whoever allowed that character doesn't need their damned head examined by a shrink. Seriously, it's genuinely repugnant.

I agree that Shining Armour is a perfectly fine character, and that it's ONLY the way he was added that causes issues. Still, I think we mostly agree here, so I should probably shut up :P

This made me smile you know that. So five smiling pinkies for you and a thumb.

This is Great for a first fic, keep writing dude!

Celestia X Twilight, NOT BIG SURPRISE.

As much as I'd like to chime in about how I have no problem with Shining Armor's introduction and how I'm happy with Cadance and can confidently call her a non-Sue, I'll resrain myself and keep to the topic.

For a first MLP fic, not bad. It's a little rushed, and Twilight's freak-out was a hair over the top given the events of Lesson Zero. Still, I like the premise: Celestia expressing remorse over sending Twilight to deal with every national emergency, and forgetting Lesson Zero on her own part. And I can believe that Celestia would apologize in person, not through a letter. So, you get a thumbs up for taking the first step!

Oh Celestia, you have nothing to apologize for.

Blame the show writers

>>10457271045727

Depends on the nature of her love ability. Sibsy's OC and whoever she was having a disagreement with seemed to be in a relationship and were just having a squabble. Might be some sort of reinforcement-based magic, rather than anything resembling forced emotional attraction that wasn't previously present a la Cupid's Arrow.

Even if it was, I'm still more afraid of the ramifications of the Want It Need It spell, Psycholight is ungodly powerful with that in her arsenal.

Very good story , Celestia would say this to Twilight in the series.

The only complain that I have is in the text format, don´t use tab in the conversations and give space between the paragraphs and conversations.

>>10459031045903 Yeah, that's the kind of thing most of the apologetics say, but I don't see how that's supposed to negate its implications at all. The problem, as I see it, is that it looks less unreasonable because we effectively do the same to real people via drugs. ADHD, depression, anxiety et. al.; rather than work out what's actually wrong, we just do what's convenient for us. That's how I feel when I see that scene: Cadence doesn't like the arguing, so she uses magic to force other ponies to conform to her way of thinking. Thus, it's a BIG hot-button for me, because it has real-world moral relevance.

As it happens, it's something I touch on very briefly in my own story. What really scares me isn't the power itself, it's the fact that someone thought it would be a good idea for a kids show...

Thumbs up well earned. If this is really your first fic, I can see you going places. ^^

I enjoyed this. Then again, I enjoy anything that tries to fix A Canterlot Wedding.

People argue back and forth on whether or not Celestia was justified in not believing Twilight, but the bottom line was she failed in her duties. Canterlot was on high alert, and Twilight was a trusted subject. It was her responsibility to look into a claim before dismissing it. It's an understandable failing, but it's a failing nonetheless, and I really wish Twi got a better on-screen apology.

On the story itself...it seems a bit rushed. Try pacing a bit better.

What? First fic? Seems to me you've had a lot of practice, 'cause this was excellent! Great job!

>>10459761045976

While that's one way to put it, don't forget that the issues we throw pills at aren't always simple or possible to solve in the proper form. As someone with a fairly long list of issues myself, and has temporarily been on several medications over my lifespan, I can tell you that having a short-term respite goes a long way towards being able to begin a long-term recovery. Granted, many people both being treated and those doing the treatment seem to forget that such solutions are meant to be temporary, and they need to be going after the root of the issue and trying to lay it to rest if at all possible.

Regardless of apologetic nonsense, I will point out that that ability could be quite helpful in such a scenario. Smoothing over agitation and discord, allowing the participants the ability to once more use logic and reason in an atmosphere that reminds them less of their incongruous thoughts and reminds them more of why they are close to begin with. I tend to look at such a thing as a positive enabler, rather than some form of sick mind control or abusive shortcut that gets nothing done. As anyone who studies psychology, or is experienced with dealing with the issues and people thus involved, will tell you - emotions do not simply wait around to be handled in the most humane and effective of ways. For as subtle as they can be, they are by nature quite volatile, and drive us to make decisions of haste that we would not otherwise have made were we thinking with a calm mind and untroubled heart.

oh that was nice ! a nice point of view to see all the things that happend ! good work !

Good concept, nicely written

>>10460151046015 Useful, certainly. Then again, so is pointing a gun at someone until they agree to your demands. Whether or not it is useful says nothing about whether or not it is morally acceptable. If you plaster over the problem with magic, then it'll just reappear later. If you actually work your problems out, they can virtually disappear forever. Essentially, Cadence's power equates to being the dark side of the force. It may work, but the good guys know it's harmful in the long run.

Vampire: The Masquerade covered this rather well. The [p]presence discipline allowed a kindred to manipulate the emotions of another sentient creature, but it pointed out that while you can make someone love or fear you, they're going to be mighty aggravated when that effect wears off. If my free will was involuntarily subjugated, you can be damn sure I'd be aggravated about it, no matter how much they thought they were helping.

As for the other details of drug use, yes, of course there are many perfectly good uses and I didn't mean to sound like I was glossing over them. I used anti-depressants for years until I realised they were actually making it harder to tackle the underlying problems. That also means I've done a LOT of research into psychology and depression, which is how I came upon my philosophical tendencies in the first place and started having conversation like this! No, it's the problems that we throw pills at out of convenience that really boil my rice.

Celestia's apology.  That's going to be interesting for Twilight to discuss when she gets back to Ponyville.  You know her friends are going to ask her what Celestia wanted.  Very nice story.

>>10461321046132

Completely understandable, but all that you said also leaves out what I felt was the most important part of my reply. That such things are temporary measures that essentially give the person or persons time to work on their problem(s) without being hampered by the problem(s) itself. Simply using the magic/drugs whenever there's a flare up in the issues is never going to truly solve a problem, that quickly becomes emotionally addicting even if it's not physically.

For instance, you can't very well work on the root of an anger problem while you are in the middle of a blind rage, could you? You don't think, you don't consider, you don't remember - you are consumed in all aspects until you are shocked out of the mental state or the emotional grip wears itself out. But if you had such a way to calm yourself down, you could reason out that you don't actually have to be angry, or that it's simply not the best response to the situation. However, simply using it every time you were angry does not solve the issue, and you will continue to have anger problems for as long as the reason remains.

Granted, the individual response would differ. If it was agreed upon beforehand to use the measures to aid you, you likely would not have a problem. If some random person off the street with good intentions administered it, you're likely to be quite cross if at least understanding that they did assist you.

What do you mean, 'it's not great'? It is! I really think you got all the characters right. Well, Pinkie was somehow a little different than I remember her, but since I don't even know what it is, it's nothing to worry about:-)

Good job!

Emily

>>10461841046184 Quite right. I didn't take into account that it is perfectly reasonable with the wilful assent of the participants because that wasn't how we see Cadence using it in the episode. That lack of detail was a glaring error on my part, but it think it still shows that, semantic inaccuracies aside, we probably agree completely.

I thought it was excellent!

Just a thing... To everyone dissing, ITS THEIR FIRST STORY! it ain't gonna be perfect. Honestly, i liked it. Only one thing... It coulda been a bit more drawn out. But that's it. Over all i thought it was great!

>>10462131046213

I think we do, too. Essentially, even if she's fun Cadence is a total Mary Sue, and frankly her powers should probably require some form of consent unless it's some state of emergency.

Nice little side story, and definitely something I could see Celestia doing. Her and all her other friends for just abandoning Twilight like that.

I'm very confused as to how this got into the featured box.

Now, this is no offense to you, author. You obviously have potential here. But the whole situation is just... confusing. This the first fic you've submitted, so you started off with no followers. It's littered with grammatical errors and the formatting is a bit condensed, so I'm not sure how this got enough attention. Perhaps you just hit a golden time to submit? I'm not sure, but some sort of magic was weaved into this to make it first in the featured box.

Great one-shot! It was nice and somewhat made sense in the Equestrian universe

>>10462501046250

I'd say it got a lot of exposure because people thought it was Twilestia. Bitches love Twilestia. They saw a nice fic, even with errors, and liked it. In my opinion, while things should look nice enough not to mar the experience of the average reader, they don't have to be perfectly kept to some rigid set of rules in order to be entertaining either.

I found it rather entertaining. Great job!

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Vinyl_Scratch.png

This feels very rushed. The dialogue doesn't have enough breaks that show a character's action, so it's hard to really tell what's going on. To be honest, there really isn't much substance to the story. Twilight is freaking out, yes, Pinkie Pie is being Pinkie Pie, but we don't see anything. You need to slow down and show a reader what is going on, because this story lost me from the start. You have potential, but you just need to take more time when you write.

That picture....who the hell is author of such nice pics?

To the author. I like the idea and most of it's execution. However you spent a long time with Twi's freakout and not enought time on the apology/discussion. I mean even if Celestia is everything to Twilight, that's even more reason to have hurt her when she didn't even listen to her. This is not simply a case of Twilight imagining things and worrying about nothing, this is her mentor, ruler, goddess actually not paying attention to her when SHE WAS RIGHT!  Twilight knows that she probably overreacted and could phrase things better and present her case more rationally, but Celestia more than anypony should at least take her aside and see what had gotten her prized student so worked up. In short the apology shoudn't be over so soon.

Good work tough!

I concur with EddWar, there are probloems in the text format, but otherwise a great first MLP fic! I mean, come now brotatoe chip, you've been featured!

I thought this story was pretty good!  Not bad for your first fic!

>>10462241046224 I personally don't think that Cadance is a Mary Sue - Mary Sues are characters that everyone likes for no reason and are pretty much completely perfect and invincible.  Cadance may be fun and nice, but isn't a good thing for someone to have that kind of person (or in this case, pony) in their lives?  And Cadance's power isn't ultimate - in fact, with her ability to settle the anger of other ponies, and assuming she's the one who taught the Want It Need It spell to Twilight, her magic could in fact have some disturbing implications... (dangit, plot bunnies!  Away for now!)

Thank you captian obvious for pointing out that celestias' useless

>>10464431046443

If I remember reading correctly, she is in fact the OC of Sibsy's daughter. She shows up out of nowhere, suddenly commanding the love and adoration of the main character, everyone sides with her/albeit Chrysalis playing her part nigh-perfectly over the main character, after the Changelings are done she gets along with everyone, and basically the majority of the episode after she's revealed dwells almost entirely on her, from the conflict to the conclusion.

They tried to Worf-trope Celestia by making Shining/Cadence's love stronger than Chrysalis, who is said to be stronger than Celestia (coughbullshit). Yes, she is a Mary Sue, even if she's a fun one.

>>10465321046532 I don't think she's the OC of Sibsy's daughter - IIRC, she was named after her daughter, who's name is Cadince (I know at least that Cadance was named after a girl named Cadince.  But Lauren Faust helped design her.

Between the picture and the summary, I thought it was going to be a shipfic. I was quite pleasantly surprised by the lack of a romance tag.

Twilight I broke the axial tilt of the planet...again fix it...

I know it's not that great, but I just had this image of Celestia being distraught over sending Twilight directly into danger multiple times, then not trusting her at a vital moment. I tried to get the tone of the characters to fit as best I could, but I'm still not sure. Let me know what you think and how I could fix it.

lol

first fic

and you get top on the featured box

not great my ass

>>10463701046370

Yeah, I most certainly noticed that. I wrote the whole scene out between Celestia and Twilight, only to see it was barely a page. I posted it as is because I just wanted it to be done, and hopefully to get some advice on how to improve it. I'll take your words into consideration when writing other fics and if I have the time I may just rewrite this whole thing to make it work better.

>>10467791046779

Don't forget to take a screen shot of your fic being first place on the site's popularity-board, Mr. Hanrasen.

A rather sweet story.  I like it. :D

>>10465321046532

Hmmm, I wouldn't agree with your assessment completely.  For one thing, a focus on Cadence is somewhat justified for an episode about her wedding, and the episode didn't even focus on her that much.  She didn't really do much until the end, and wasn't even in the Mane6 battle segment.  Shining Armor also shared the heroic defeat scene with her, so it wasn't even like some OP alicorn thing.  As for their love being stronger than anything, it needs to be noted that it didn't even stand on it's own; Chrysalis was presumably already pretty powerful on her own and so was Shining Armor's shield spell (and snapping him outta the mind control arguably weakened Chrysalis, so she wasn't necessarily stronger than Celestia when they defeated her).  As for everyone liking her after the changelings were gone, I defy you to think of a non-villain character that didn't wind up friends with the Mane6.  It's just that type of show.

Her ability is full of unfortunate implications, though.

>>10469101046910

Most of what you said sounds like headcanon, to be honest. It was never stated that mind control was required for emotional-feeding. Otherwise, it'd be pretty darn easy to tell when someone's got a changeling attached to them if they're walking around like a zombie all the time. It was just because she needed him to not have any distractions, especially the sort that might make him question her - that's the most plausible thing I could think of.

Regardless of the -reasons-, which I might add will show up anywhere a writer believes justification is required, she still fits the Mary Sue requirements. I've already stated her qualifications, so I won't repeat myself.

Wait. Celestia and Twilight actually in character around each other, and NOT in a Twilestia story?!

WHAT KIND OF GREATNESS IS THIS?

The interactions between the characters is great and that's kinda how I imagine Celestia felt after the wedding fiasco...

(By the way, if I remember correctly, Celestia seems to be willing to listen to Twilight -actually she's leaning over to listen to what Cadence as to say about Twi's accusations-...Up until Twi goes all "EVIL! EVIL! EVIL!" while 'Cadence' cries, followed by Shining's much more logical explanation. Had Twilight acted less childishly, Celestia may have listened to her concerns.)

This was a nice relaxing read.

" “And still, after all of your hard work. After you saved our land twice, after all of your hours spent learning lessons about friendship and helping me with research into other matters, I still betrayed you. When you accused Princess Cadance in front of everyone, I abandoned you just like everyone else. I should have trusted you, I should have done something, anything, to see if your suspicions might have been correct, but I simply ignored you. For all of my grievances against you, I have something very important to say to you.” Celestia bowed her head towards Twilight. “I must apologize, not only for failing you as a teacher, but for burdening you with my past mistakes.” "

Best paragraph ever.  

Hum.

Right, so you have the characters actually in-character - that's always good.

And your premise for the story is entirely believable and needs no extra detail whatsoever - another point positive for you.

However, it _was_ incredibly short. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it did contribute to the next bit -

It felt rushed. Not in the 'type a thousand words of manure' way, but in the 'goes straight from one thing to another with no slow-down to let the audience take it in' kind of way. Your story is compressed mostly into dialogue, which is a difficult format for even experienced authors to handle, and as such has few of the pauses to describe how the characters are reacting to the statements. There is little in the way of atmosphere developed here, nothing to really set the mood.

What you, ser, have done, is post the bare skeleton of a story. There is nothing bad I can say about what is there - unfortunately, it is what is _not_ there that poses the problem.

I apologise if I seem cruel, and I most certainly do not mean to discourage, as this work does show promise, but you should know that the better I feel towards a work, the harsher I am towards what I perceive to be its shortcomings. I am so critical of this story because I can see that you had the seed of a good idea, but, instead of letting it take root and grow into something more, you sold it as is.

Anyway, I hope that helps and I look forward to seeing more of your works in the featured box.

I like this story!!

Like + Fav =

Eeyup.

>>10470351047035

I never suspected my story to show up in the featured box, I honestly thought that box just showed the newest stories when they were posted. And with the criticisms you pointed out, I'm honestly surprised it got up there at all.

Fleshing out ideas has always been rather difficult for me. I can get really interesting ideas, but they always seem to lose something when I try to write them out. It's really something I can only get fixed with lots of practice.

I really appreciate your comment, it's observations like yours that are the reason I uploaded this fic to begin with. Hopefully we can see if I'll improve or not with the next one, and thanks again.

Interesting... I actually kind of liked it.

It's not bad at all. It certainly has its issues, but those could be fixed, or improved upon later. Since you said you wanted some advice, I'll certainly try to help out some. I know the feeling of wanting to improve. (I must warn you, though, that I'm a newbie writer as well. I literally have written two stories, so this may not be the best advice, but I'll certainly try.)

One of the biggest things I saw was the formatting. For this being a first story, I can certainly see why you formatted it this way, but on Fimfiction, Fanfiction, and basically anything fanfiction, people want full line breaks in between paragraphs. (A full line of nothing between each paragraph, as seen above in this very post.) It seems counterintuitive, especially since books don't do this, but it makes the story easier on the eyes, as well as easier to read. It helps. There are also grammar things, that could easily be fixed. Periods instead of commas at the end of dialogue, accidental capitalization errors, etc. All of those happen. It's human nature, and you can't prevent it. What you can do, however, is preread it. I don't know if you did or not, but it would certainly help. If you did, try rechecking it. Sometimes you'll see mistakes you missed the first time through. (And with something this short, that shouldn't take too long.) Finally, in those terms, the breaks in the story. (This is a personal preference.) Try centering the dashes of the line breaks. In my opinion, it looks cleaner. What you did works fine as well, though.

As for the story itself, it wasn't that bad. There were really three problems that I saw, however. The first is how the characters were portrayed. IMO, you almost had them, but to me they seemed a bit off. I don't know, maybe it's perfect, but they (especially Twilight in the beginning) seemed a bit too accepting. I mean, every one of her friends shows up at her house, and she doesn't reassure them, isn't surprised at their appearance, or anything, but just shrugs it off and explains her problem. It worked, but it didn't work as well as it could have. I would bet this is the result of rushing the story, trying to spit it all out at once. I understand that feeling too, but it results in some parts that feel sloppy, rushed (since they were), very convenient, or off. Taking just a bit more time on that part could have smoothed it out, since other than that you seemed to have the all down fairly well.

The second thing about the story was the conversation and apology of Celestia. It seemed fine until it just ended. I was left with the, "That's it?" feeling. Sometimes writing something too long is a problem, but writing things that are too short is as well. I mean, this was the big climax of the story, and it's over as soon as it started. The buildup felt like it was much less rushed than the ending, which took off on a runaway train, then flew off a cliff, only to hit the bottom with a thud, and that's it. To me, that's what it felt like. This could have been fixed fairly simply though. Add some body language to put a little show in there as well. Describe what each of them did, their expressions, etc. Have them each put up a bit more of an argument. Both seemed rather quick not to judge, and neither really had any second thoughts about what the other was saying. (Or if they were, it wasn't conveyed, at least not clearly enough for me to see it. Sometimes I can be a bit blind, though.) This could have given the opportunity to have some thoughts be written out or hinted at. Now, the apology didn't need to be extremely long, but it did need a bit more depth to it. It would have made the ending feel less abrupt.

The third is the pacing. This is sort of the overall rushed feeling that it gave me. While short isn't always a bad thing, it can be. (And on the flip-side, long isn't always good either.) When pacing, you want to be able to chart a graph with ups and downs on it. (Ups and downs being the moments of action and downtime respectively.) You also want the ups to gradually get higher and higher, until the climax. A good video to watch on this is found here. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LScL4CWe5E) While it isn't necessarily about stories, it still applies. Anyways, it overall just felt too quick. It moved on from one point to another within a few sentences, with little to no transition period.

Well, those are my thoughts anyways. I may be completely incorrect, but it's just what I think. Hopefully that helped some.

Eeyup, it's good to see some exploration of Celestia's feelings about all this. Well done. Have a happy Pinkie Pie.

Got a thumbs-up from me!  I'm still wrestling with the emotional story that leads up to this, the immense amount of love it took for Celestia to welcome Luna back into her heart after being betrayed by Nightmare Moon, and the corresponding amount of love it took for Luna to accept that forgiveness despite the harm she put her sister through.   I'm not perfectly happy with my story (I never am), but the last chapter should be posted Thursday.  (To Sleep, Perchance to Dream)

Here, have a moustache.

Have a few more.

Now go forth and continue your excellent stories!

A few little grammer things, but the content is really what matters, and it was great!

I loved this, it was great!  Only 1 thing, there could have been a few more tiny details to make the transitions a bit better, but other than that, it's perfect.  Keep at it!

I'll raise your five mustaches and add one derpy

This is fantastic! Good work.

Was expecting subtle sexual humor, not sure why. Got feels instead. An interesting look into Celestia's feelings, although I think you've only scratched the surface of an amazing story. It does feel a little quick. The progression of events could definitely be drawn out, slowed down. Let the reader feel it more.

I like the idea this goes with -really, this is the first I've seen of a fic of Celestia apologizing for the callousness of the dressing down given to Twilight- and much of its execution, but again, some grammar errors and rushing holds it back just a bit.

Not bad at all, though.  Not bad at all.

On the subject of Cadance and Shining Armor... yeah, they could have been introduced a lot better, but I don't look at them as a Sue and a Stu.  I look at them as plot devices.  Personally, my only disappoint -aside from the callous dressing down- was that Luna literally didn't appear until the very end, after the fiasco was over.

well, that wasnt what i was expecting...

Everypony's pissed that Celestia can make mistakes.  Oh, ya think being "perfect" is easy? Get a grip.

Image: http://e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/trollface.png

I think this story managed well in regards to Celestia's doubts; Luna had to be weighing on her mind for every single day of those thousand years, and that's only what we know about.

All I gotta say is, you've found an overlooked subject that strengthens the fandom and provides a lot of food for thought, rather than add-on events that never happened in canon.

There's grammar and spelling errors, sure, but those are easily fixed. I, as one reader, immediately understood why you wrote and I'm stoked that you decided to actually explore the characters and the lessons from MLP.

Especially the final, which made no sense...

No problems with the tone, but the flow was a bit extended at the start. There's too much interaction with the 6, and the repeated dialogue kinda seems unnecessary. I think you decided to focus on Celestia's apology, but maybe the Mane 6 could have had a moment there with Twi?

Hope to see more

well twilight was acting kind of bratty at the wedding all she said was that cadence was acting very rudely towards everyone and a suspicion that her brother was was being brainwashed. She didn't actually have any proof to the matter, until crysalis screwed up and sent her into the caverns where the real cadence was.

>>10455631045563

My headcanon is that Queen!Cadence has some sort of 'perception filter' around her that enhances the disguise. Things that would normally be OOC and tick someone's instincts are obscured; hence, the ponies that aren't too familiar with the target pass off oddities as something different ("she's just on edge because of the wedding"). The Princesses became convinced that there was an external threat to the nation - hardly a lie - and became focused on this threat to the exclusion of the one right under their noses. Twilight, being the sister to the groom and foal-sittee (sitted?), saw that something was off about Cadence, but became foalish in her accusations to the point that her friends and mentor couldn't take her seriously. And of course, Shining Armor was plain brainwashed.

It makes more sense than everything taken at face value. After all, Chrysalis is a g-rated succubus, so it stands to reason she'd have trained/evolved ways to make her a better 'predator' of sorts. Now, I need to stop thinking on this, else I'll have yet another fic idea floating in my brain...

To the author: I think others have stated the grammar/pacing issues well enough; even so, I enjoyed the spirit of the story. Celestia has undoubtedly picked up a fair bit of wisdom and experience in her millenia, but that means the mistakes can be that much bigger. Bonus points for in-character. Good luck with improving your writing!

>his eyes dilating in horror as pinkie opened up

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Pinkie_Pie.png

>Let me know what you think and how I could fix it

Pretty good, but it needs more sexi-timez

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Celestia.png

>>10485181048518 >plot devices

Image: http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/2306687_700b.jpg

Nice job! I won't repeat what everyone else is saying for critique, so just have this!

Image: http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/fabulous.gif

(fabulous)

Give me about 70,000 more words and I'll be happy! In case you didn't get the hint I loved the story.

Celestia really needs her own episode to flush out her charcter more.

Image: http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/310/926/60a.gif

this was a great fic. well-written, no dumb shipping to get in the way, just short, sweet, and to the point.

>>10494961049496

Here, here. (Translation: Agreed.)

You know, I can actually see this in an upcoming episode.

Elongated, of course.

Well done!

This can not be a frist, good job,Cheryl good job

Celestia's denial bothers me the most about the finale. This is a pleasant enough remedy for that.

This is a decent fic, I will give you that. Though nothing in particular sticks out and makes me feel anything. I think that we got so much out of Twilight freaking out (reminding me a bit too much of her breakdown in "Lesson Zero"), that the end between her and Celestia was done in a snap of a finger. I think that ending could have had a huge chance to be emotional but did not end up as so. Don't get me wrong, as this is your first fanfiction, I salute you for fair writing--minus a few grammatical errors, but nothing that necessarily ruined it for me--and a great idea in which Celestia is aware of her faults, especially involving sending her student and her friends out into danger, and brings them to light by said student. A good idea, but it fell a bit flat at the end. I didn't hate it--heck, I gave it a thumbs up--as, once more, the plot itself has much potential and I believe you as well have potential as a good writer.

THAT WAS A FIRST!!!!!!!! IM WRIGHTING MY OWN AND ITS NOT MY FIRST AND IT DONT REMOTLY COMPARE!! good job

Too much ado about Twi worried, too little ado about what Celestia feels. She talks a lot, but I wasn't very convinced of these feelings. The narration focused on Twi's point of view, but its title sells it as a Celestia centered fic.

Not a bad first fic at all. Just.. bad focus, confused pacing. Keep writing.

Not bad, but not good either.

After reading this, I kind of feel as if I've just read two different stories. One story is a run of the mill 'Twilight's friends help calm her nerves', and the other is a 'remorseful Celestia' story. For me, the stories felt disconnected. The fic as a whole doesn't flow very well. The first part was pretty good, although could have done with being longer. The other part felt as if there were no real build up at all. There was no emotional buildup, there was just a scene where Celestia gives a nice, long speech. Next time, make sure you build up a little more tension in the atmosphere.

Characterizations were generally good except for Twilight towards the end. To have her mentor break down all emotional barriers between them and to throw out her pride, you'd think she'd be a little more phased than just, "Nah, it's okay, Princess. It's all cool."

Whole thing needs a preread to pick up spelling and grammar issues. Also, the writing style seems a little too flowery for the fics atmosphere.

What we did have here though was some rather nice characterization, a light, enjoyable read, a look at Twilight and Celestia's relationship without shipping, and some decent laughs.

This story is a good first piece. Keep up the good work author.

This story....

Image: http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/5/52044/2060390-i_like_it.jpg

Not sure if ya will do more but it is worth reading more!

I feel like a the Wedding episode was just an executive decision.  In order to sell the toy set, they needed to make the characters they pulled from nowhere be the ones to ultimately "save the day," which unfortunately meant character bending on a large scale.

If I could, I would have stopped that episode from ever happening