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Bad Horse

Joined April 2012
990 followers

Stories (25)

Blog Posts (319)

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AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story is bookplayer's fault. See this blog post by DH and this comment by bookplayer. Also see bookplayer's How to do a Sonic Rainboom, which has nothing to do with this story but is really good. NOT NOW! After you read this story. I'm not allowed to use the OC tag because device heretic and bookplayer invented the character, so there.


Churning dark clouds hurried overhead past Ponyville, blown on a chill, foreshadowing wind. The red glow on their undersides faded as the sun's last rays died and night descended on the town.

The gaunt, old grey unicorn pulled his tattered and dusty cloak tighter about him as he made his slow and deliberate way down the town's empty streets. The traveler paid no mind to the street signs, but stopped now and then to sniff the air, and cock an ear to the sky, before grunting to himself and continuing. Eventually he found himself on the doorstep of a nice Ponyville townhouse, one of those new tri-levels going up on the south end. He eyed the row of peonies in a window flowerbox dubiously before rapping heavily and ominously on the door.

Inside, the red-and-black alicorn Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade stood in a room by himself, silently regarding a tan chaise lounge situated between two oak end tables, one with a brass lamp with fringes on its shade, the other with a vase of red flowers. His massive muscles rippled with every movement of his battle-scarred body as he turned his head, first to one end table, then to the other. On hearing the hollow, foreboding knock, he turned and looked over his shoulder.

"Honey, could you get that?" he called.

An earth pony stallion with a maple-sugar coat and mane trotted down the hallway, past the room where Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade stood pondering the furniture arrangement, and into the entrance foyer. He opened the door to find the stranger waiting there. They both twitched their noses and blinked, looking equally surprised. Then the stranger spoke, in the deep, unwavering voice of one who has seen unspeakable sights and knows terrible and glorious secrets.

"I have followed the scent of destiny to your doorstep, young stallion. I have grave words to speak, and grim – but there is yet cause for hope."

The earth pony turned his head over his shoulder and shouted, "I think it's one of those Jehoovah's Witnesses."

"Just flame at him and he'll run away," Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade called back.

"I don't flame," the earth pony said.

"I have come from a distant land, drawn here by emanations of vast magical power, and by prophecy."

"Oh, come on, just roll your eyes at him and call him 'darling'! It'd be so cute."

"Not gonna happen, Nighty."

"The fate of all Equestria hangs in the balance!" the unicorn intoned.

The earth pony nodded. "Yeah, yeah. Look. Come in for a second, I can get you some water, okay? But then you hafta leave." He took one step towards the kitchen.

"SILENCE!" the old unicorn thundered, and when he stamped one hoof for emphasis, a lightning bolt split the sky behind him and left an echoing crack and a ringing in all their ears.

"My bad," the earth pony called over his shoulder. "He's an adventurer."

"Oh, Celestia!" Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade called back. "They're even worse!"

The unicorn cleared his throat. "I am Dan-galf Shadowhax, the grey pony, the midnight crow, counsellor of kings..."

"Come on, Nighty, you know he's here for you."

"... summoner of tides, wayfarer of wastes..."

"I'm not here! Can he hear me?"

"... keeper of the crimson croissant, and I must speak to the prophesied one – to Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade!" He glared at the earth pony with the visage of one used to commanding armies and giving stern warnings to kings and queens.

The earth pony stared right back. "Yeah. Well, he's a little busy. So whattya need?"

The unicorn scrutinized the brown earth pony doubtfully. "And who might you be?"

"Phil," the earth pony answered.

"Phil?"

"Phil."

The traveler frowned. He did not look like a pony used to being denied an audience, or to explaining himself to ponies named Phil.

"Look," Phil said, "let me guess. You got an evil sorcerer needs killing, a relic of great power to get or destroy, a dangerous rift that might open a portal to another dimension, or some kinda Discord-related issue."

The traveler said angrily, "Do not speak to me as though I were a colt! I have climbed the heights of Mt. Varanus, I have ridden the wind on the backs of dragons, and I—"

"Which?"

The old unicorn turned his face away. "The third," he muttered.

"Yeah. And it's in the Everfree Forest, right?"

Dan-galf raised both eyebrows.

"I thought so. It's rift season. Just hold on here a moment." He disappeared into the back briefly, then re-emerged holding a battered black steel toolbox in his mouth, which he set on the floor. "Nighty," he called, "I'm gonna go help this guy with his rift, okay?"

"But we were going to go through that new catalog from Neighman-Marecus together tonight!"

"I'll be back quick, I promise."

"Pinky-promise?"

Phil groaned. "Pinky-promise." He turned back to the old unicorn. "Now let's you and me go take a look at this rift, then we can come back here and you can talk to Nighty if you still want."

The unicorn stamped one hoof stubbornly. "The prophesied one must come!"

"Look, he's staring at the furniture again, and in another few minutes he's gonna start pushing it around, and that could go on for an hour."

"The prophecy says—"

Phil raised a hoof, cutting him off, and said, "Listen. Do you like musical dance numbers?"

He grimaced. "I despise them."

"Then leave him here. Trust me. So, this rift. Does it go hiss, or a sort of zhurp-zhurp-zhurp?"

The old pony sighed and slumped his shoulders. "It's more of a zhurp zhurp," he said.

"Uh-huh. And would you say it pulses, streams, or just glows steady-like?"

"Pulses. It throbs with an other-worldly—"

"Uh-huh. Gonna need a socket wrench." He opened the toolbox and began rummaging through it, tossing a few tools onto the floor. "Is this rift English or metric? Ah, better take both sets."

Dan-galf gasped at the pile of tools, some of which were forged from metals that were a wicked-looking cold grey, or strangely iridescent, and covered in ancient runes. "Is that – is that the Dagger of Invictus?"

"Yeah," Phil said. "Nighty gave me that. Never needs sharpening. Wish I had a dozen of those babies."

"And the Hammer of Amit?"

"Yeah, we're gonna need that to drive in some shims," Phil said. He threw some of the tools back in the box, left the Dagger of Invictus and a few others lying there on the floor, then strapped on some saddlebags that were hanging in the foyer and put the toolbox inside.

"I still don't understand," the old pony said. "Why is Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade, the great warrior foretold to us in ancient prophecies, obsessed with the placement of furniture?"

Phil leaned in, put one foreleg around Dan-galf and said quietly, "Well, lemme put it this way. Some ponies believe that every guy like me and Nighty is a natural-born genius at matching colors and furniture and all that."

The gray pony wrinkled his brow, perplexed.  "Like you and Nighty?"

"Yeah, but it's just a myth."

"And your... friend is one of the few with real talent?"

"Phil!" Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade called from down the hall. "Have you seen my color swatches?"

"They're Rarity's swatches, which you were borrowing, and she came by and picked them up yesterday because you never returned them," Phil called out. He turned back to the old unicorn and leaned in closer. "My 'friend' is one of the ponies who believes the myth. Come on, let's get out of here before there's a montage or something." He pushed Dan-galf the grey pony out the door and shut it behind him.

Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade absent-mindedly stroked his chin with the blood-red pearl of great magical power mounted in his adamantium-clawed battle-hoofring while he contemplated the two end tables. End tables normally went on the two ends of something; but the whole purpose of a chaise lounge was to break up that kind of symmetry. Functionally, both end tables should go at the end where a pony's head would go, one behind and one beside the lounge. But that would push the lounge away from the wall and leave a big unusable empty space behind it, which was bad Feng Shui.

He loved chaise lounges, but the mystery of how to coordinate them with matched end tables still eluded him. Possibly... if you pushed it back into a corner, angled so that the end table behind the lounge just fit into the space between the lounge and the corner...

A little less than an hour later, Phil and Dan-galf returned. "Amazing," Dan-galf was muttering. "We are eternally grateful to you... Phil."

"Remember to check on it every week with the torque wrench, crank it back up to 35 if it goes under 30 pounds, but no more or you'll strip the threads. Whack the shims if they start working their way out. Let me know if reality starts going a little wibbly-wobbly."

"I shall, Phil of Ponyville," Dan-galf said. "This I swear by—"

"Phil!" Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade exclaimed, galloping into the room. "You simply must see what I've done with the sitting room! You're going to love it."

"Can we still sit in it?"

"Come, come, come!" Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade tugged at Phil with a fiery red plasma of immense yet gentle magical power.

"Hail, Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade!" Dan-galf said. "I have heard the bards sing of your—"

Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade jerked his tall, stately head toward Dan-galf. "My designs? You've heard of them?"

Phil shook his head urgently at Dan-galf.

"Er... no. I have heard tell of your deeds of bravery..."

But the handsome alicorn had already lost interest and turned his deep, soulful red eyes on Phil. "You won't believe it. I asked myself, How can I balance a tan lounge with oak end-tables? That's bad color theory right there to begin with. But I found these forest-green throw-pillows..."

Phil mouthed Get out while you can! to Dan-galf and waved him towards the door as he was dragged backwards by the irresistible strength of the equally-irresistible alicorn.

"Er... I take my leave of you, Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade. And of you... Phil." He watched them disappear down the hallway and into the sitting room.

"Nighty!" he heard Phil exclaim. "It's exactly the same as before!"

Then Dan-galf Shadowhax the grey pony, counsellor of kings, shut the door behind him very quietly and ventured back into the cold and windy night.

Comments ( 180 )

#1 · 108w, 2d ago · · ·

Earlier today I wrote a nasty, unponylike rant on NTSTS's blog which claimed, among other things, that I work hard to write good stories.

This... isn't what I meant.

Wuten did a good reading of this.

This story owes something to Ga'arth, Klingon Fashion Designer, and Do'Raath, Klingon Barista: 333 434 1385 1745 2362 3798 3234 3229 2996.  Probably an apology.  And I'm gonna take this space to plug Georg's To Sleep, Perchance to Dream, because it's a good Luna story and only has 110 views.  Also JMac's Thweet Geniuth on ponyfictionarchive.

#2 · 108w, 2d ago · 7 · ·

This is the most thrilling tale of interior decorating I've read today.

Seriously, this is a masterpiece. Far better than I could have done. Thank you for writing this, everything about it was perfect and I was laughing the whole time.

But you left so many unanswered questions. . . what shape coffee table will he buy? Should the curtains be off-white or cream? I demand a sequel. What's the proper etiquette for that? Oh yes. . .

MOAR! And I believe moustaches are somehow involved. :moustache::moustache:

#3 · 108w, 2d ago · 1 · ·

Phil. More Phil. Phil is my new hero.

That is all.

#4 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

You spelled Alicorn wrong in the description......just saying.

#5 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

Well played, well played.

#7 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

Magnificent! Purely genius!

#8 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

I didn't even notice the joke with Dan-Galf's name until my dyslexia kicked in and I read it as Gan-Dalf, hah!

Amazing work here sir. Here's hoping for a feature.

#9 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1039927

It's entirely possible it was intentional, since Alicron sounds much cooler than Alicorn and somebody who'd make a black & red Alicorn OC self insert character probably wouldn't know the difference

#10 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1039927

Apologies, I mean somebody who'd make and use a black&red Alicron (:rainbowkiss::rainbowlaugh:) OC self-insert character and use it straight faced without a hint of parody

#11 · 108w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

Ok, now that I have actually read this story... I am now humbled, having felt the penmanship of a true master. I don't remember ever handing out an upvote to anybody ever before.... but now... that has changed. I never thought such a masterpiece could exist. You sir, deserve every praise I have to give.

:raritycry::pinkiesad2:

#12 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

:facehoof: :facehoof: :facehoof: Dan galf, shadowhax :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh: Very entertaining

story indeed.

#13 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

It's so... so beautiful :fluttercry:

#14 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1032276 Thank you for telling me a fic like this one was in the works.

I probably never would've read it if it wasn't for you.

I like the story. Finally an OC story I enjoy:rainbowkiss:

EDIT:

Oh yeah. MOAR!!!!

#15 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

#16 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

This is terrible and you should feel terrible about it!

...

Now when your done feeling terrible, would you, like, write another? If it's not to much trouble?:twilightblush:

#17 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

An excellent turn of self-insert parody!  Just a tad too short I suppose, wish we could have gone over the details a little more.

Still, 4 laughing Dashies out of 5!

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

#18 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

Foal! Speak not of the Crimson Croissant so lightly! The byzantine folds of its paradoxical crust (So tender! And yet so flaky!) hide True Cosmic Power. And its filling? No mortal language, be it ever so subtle, can possibly explore it's, uh, oblique puissance which, by merely being, bends the world around it into new and delicious dimensions.

It also goes well with Obsidian Coffee.

>>1031659

Ouch. That rant...ooof...sharp edges on that thing.

@re: A Note Of Advice to People New To All Things Bad Horse

Hi! If you've enjoyed this parodic little tale, why not sample some other stories written by Bad Horse. Lots of great stuff. I especially recommend The Detective & The Magician which deserves more love. Twenty Minutes, likewise, is written brilliantly but I would under no circumstances read it just after this fic. The mood whiplash alone might kill you.

#20 · 108w, 1d ago · 4 · ·

Saw the crappy OC picture in the feature - box.

All my wat:rainbowhuh:

Saw the title.

Ohhh... :rainbowlaugh:

RBDash47
Site Blogger
#21 · 108w, 1d ago · 3 · ·

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

#22 · 108w, 1d ago · 3 · ·

>>1040421

That good, huh?

#24 · 108w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

>>1040421

That's the best place to throw up a little in!

#25 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

Nothing against your fic or anything, but what the hell? Poultron raged when I wrote a story based on Wanderer D's blog post with a thunderous "NO."

#26 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

Sadly, I expected something like this show up. I am amused. :rainbowlaugh:

#27 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1031659

If it is good to work hard to write good stories, is it not twice as good to work hard to write bad stories?

#28 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

I read this... I laughed... I like.

:rainbowlaugh:

#29 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

MOAR

#30 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

Oh man, this actually got written... I didn't think anybody was serious in that little discussion...

#32 · 108w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

Wha- This was actually amazing :rainbowlaugh:

Finally a parody fic that doesn't just use the fact its a parody for bad writing.

#33 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

Simply glorious! :pinkiecrazy:

I would expect no less from the Thoroughbred of Sin.

#34 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

I loved it. Excellent Job. You Mr. Author Person have just Cleared the Stage! :pinkiehappy:

#35 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

*Sends poet in place* Sheer, pure beauty.

#36 · 108w, 1d ago · 4 · ·

>>1040421

What's that, RBDash47? You say you want me to post this on ponyfictionarchive.net? Sure thing!

>>1040473

Luck of the draw. midnightshadow approved this story.

#40 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

BEFORE READING: Is this gonna be the pony version of My Immortal? -sigh- gonna give it a try anyway.

AFTER READING: :rainbowlaugh: LOL

#41 · 108w, 1d ago · 2 · ·

Pre-read: This sounds awful. I'm pretty sure nopony is oblivious enough to write something that terrible, here's to hoping it's a parody.

Post-read: :eeyup: I laughed.

#42 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

A parody that doesn't read like a parody at all...  :twilightsheepish: Thank you good sir!

#43 · 108w, 1d ago · · 1 ·

I think I would have preferred Phil to have been named Background Pony.  Beyond that though...  I approve of this!

#44 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

The traveler said angrily, "Do not speak to me as though I were a colt! I have climbed the heights of Mt. Varanus, I have ridden the wind on the backs of dragons, and I – "

#45 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

Dammit, now I'm going to have to fave this. AGAINST MY WILL MIND YOU. :trixieshiftleft:

Bok
#46 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

The sad thing is, I've seen actual OCs that look like that in other fics.

I...I don't know what's real anymore. :raritydespair:

#48 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

This is the most riveting tale of a mary-sue alicorn, interior decorator, ever.

#49 · 108w, 1d ago · · ·

This is so much win...

#50 · 108w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

I got a bit of a Monty Python vibe from this, that was hilarious. :rainbowlaugh:  

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