NOTICE:MAJOR REWRITES ARE BEING MADE, CURRENT MATERIAL IS NOT FINAL.
Mercenaries are like the Wastelands' handymen, they're always around and they almost always have work. As long as they have a good reputation.
Iron Fury was just a mercenary captain, no masters but himself, a black knight if you will. Until raiders destroyed a town under his protection. Wounded and afraid that word of his failure will bring hardship upon he and his friends, they travel to a nearby city in hopes of a fresh start.
After experiencing the wonders of true civilization, Iron Fury finally finds a cause worth fighting for, and he soon learns the horrors that belie the seeming paradise of the Northern Reaches. Unfortunately for them, Iron intends on keeping his city.
Any feedback is very much welcome. Just word it nicely and I will listen.
I don't normally read Fallout Equestria but I don't see anything wrong with this.
To anyone reading the story, updates will be slow going at first as I don't have a ton of time to write, but I will try to release a chapter every week. Be patient!
hmm good very good like it
good so far
1088164 Thanks! I'll try to have a chapter out once in a while, but I can't work as fast as Somber and some of them. Definitely not as fast a Somber!
well it's a start, but you have some problems
first of all, you forgot the most important rule when writing dialoge: new line/paragraph when someone different speaks, otherwise changes in speaker are lost in the wall of text, which every paragraph seeming is
two: what in the goddesses' names is a stimpack? last time I checked we used healing potions in FO:E
three: power levels, your mercenary group is shaping up to be/already is extremely overpowered, I sure hope you're going to throw challenges worthy of their skill and not make everything a cake walk
oh and ignore the random down votes, there are some trolls/haters who down vote every FO:E story on here
1113464
I haven't seen the "new paragraph when speaking" rule used much, plus I was always taught in English class that it isn't a paragraph until it has at least 5 sentences, so either way I'd be breaking a rule. Not much I can do there. Stimpack is an injected chemical stimulant that induces adrenaline rush or gives artificial adrenaline, common in sci-fi settings. Also there will be a literal fuckton of things being thrown at them, lets just say there are a lot of heavy weaponry, robots, and even armored vehicles about. I was aware of my group being viewed as overpowered so I plan on throwing an incredible amount of shit at them when I can.
1113511
um, well you've probably seen it all your life, to prove my point simply follow these simple steps:
1) pull out the closest work of published fiction/novel
2) start reading
3) if there isn't a lot of dialoge flip to a random page which does
4) observe how the text is formatted
5) repeat steps 2-4 except with a different published work of fiction/novels until convinced
what you say here is true, if you're writing a essay or research paper, when writing a work of fiction you generally want to make the text as easy to follow/read for your reader, otherwise they'll give up because it's too hard to follow and put the story down
oh, sorry, though you were talking about this kind of stimpack, which are replaced in FO:E by healing potions (and now looking at the FO:E wiki, I'm finding no traces of stimpacks of any variety existing in the FO:E universe)
(sorry if I come off as a little asshole-ish, it's late)
1113671
Oi, be glad you aint me. I get incredibly grouchy when Im tired, so relax. Admitedly I probably have seen it, just haven't noticed it. Personally I don't have problems with text because I can pick out a pair of quotation marks rather quickly, but Im not your average man. Im debating whether to go through and edit my story to follow the afformentioned rule and risk violating the 5-sentence rule, or just leave it be.
1113725
I once again refer you to the five simple steps, I myself was able to find numerous one sentence 'paragraphs' containing one sentence of dialoge very quickly
IIRC, a 'paragraph' in published works of fiction/novels is simply someone's actions until interrupted by someone/something else's action, therefore a dance could take place all in one paragraph, but a conversation takes place over many short lines, though I have never taken a fiction writing course and probably never will
on that note have a source: [link]
and another page from the same site: [link] this time focusing on not being like Twilight (the book series) (not that I'm comparing this story to that god-awful piece of shit, just dropping a useful link)
1113890
Thanks, I'll go through and edit it when I get the chance.
1. Done you a favour, added you to the FoE related fics group. I know you hadn't asked but it's something that should get you noticed a little more.
2. Before I read this (which I will in a second), the new line/paragraph rule when speaking explained:
If two people are speaking, you break into a new line every time they've finished their sentence for the next person to speak (or when interrupted.)
If a third person who wasn't previously in the conversation comes along to speak, you break into a new paragraph with a sentence to explain what's happening and open it up for them to speak, though you generally can maintain a three way conversation and keep to the new line rule rather then having a new paragraph as long as you make it clear who is speaking when you do it. (constantly state who is speaking, made a lot easier if they speak with written accents or such.)
3. The five lines of text rule challenged:
Ignore the 5 lines to a paragraph rule, too. Sometimes a single line of text is all that's needed for a "paragraph" because of the content of it. It's been done in the original FoE, Horizons, and a lot of other fics. Generally yes, a paragraph should be somewhere between 4 - 7 lines before breaking into a new one to make them manageable chunks to read - but it's more of a guideline to make it reasonable rather than a strict rule of you HAVE to do it.
Just never try go above seven lines before a break.
1114429
Thaks for being so nice about it.
I'll try to remember this.
1114451
Hey, you're welcome. I don't want you to feel bad just because you hadn't realised this stuff, like you say, you got taught differently in school.
Trouble is back in school, they're going for very exam specific stuff - trying not to help you become a writer because they know that 99% of the people they'll ever teach will never really write anything.
So instead, they focus on trying to make you pass your tests and don't bother to go into the more personal stuff like this unless you've shown extreme talent or interest.
I'd rather someone told you like I had and given you a helping hand over "UR WRONG, UR SO WRONG. U SUK, STOP WRITIN".
So yeah - although I'm far from the best, if you ever feel you need someone to help with anything, I'm always happy to try my best.
Back to reading now.
Just finished the prologue, haven't got the time to read the first chapter just yet because of work, but I'll do that soon. Looks good so far at least, see where this goes.
edit: forgot to say:
.50 cal auto SMG?
I would understand a .45 auto, but .50?
Don't think that'd really be feasible due to massive recoil.
1114582
The design of his SMG is based on the Thompson SMG, the model weighs around 10-11 pounds and the .50 Action Express is a pistol cartridge. In theory it should be plenty controllable. No SMG was ever chambered for such rounds due to there being no market for it, the rounds being too heavy, and the cartridges had far too much power for this to be feasible for a combat weapon against humans because they would overpenetrate. I went ahead with a larger cartridge because equines and really anything medium-to-large with four legs has a heavier build than humans, so a heavier cartridge would be needed.
This is quite good. I approve.
Also, Blackjack is best pony.
1132707
Danke
i like this story and i cant wait to see how the group kicks some butt
I'm part-way into Chapter 2. After this chapter it shouldn't be any more of this drab stuff and should go to more exciting things. I am open to any and all criticism as long as you ponies are nice about it. Hint about later chapters: Ceddin Deden.
If anyone would be willing, we need some help on a few things as Frost and I are too busy to handle certain aspects. It's difficult enough to handle the writing. We could use some artists for the story that would be willing to work for free (I can't pay anyone), and we could use some help getting Armed Redemption onto the google docs side story compilation page.
Great job on the chapter comrade
Do you know how satisfying that battle was listening to this?
Also, Good intro, Lets see where this leads.
1641447
Thanks! I was a little worried the intro was poorly-written. Thought it would be wise to mention that the story changes tone big time in Chapter 2.
1641510 I thought it was alright, nothing like the original, but still good. Read the second chappy (MY NEW FAVORITE WORD!!) and saw the difference. If I may say, I think doing a re-write of the first in that style might help a bit. Might keep the story in flow. But hey, That's just speculation.
1646899
I'll probably do a rewrite of it when I get the chance. Currently I'm trying to figure out where to take the story (I'm dealing with some writers block), but if you think it's of decent quality, perhaps you could recommend it to your readers or something?
1646945 Hmm....I might do that. I came here from one Mister Frost, so I'll go to him to tell him my ideas for world domin- I mean promoting this story.
Away!
I'm only a few paragraphs in but I already LOVE the main character. (Screams Badass to me)
For reference the Thompson/M1911 use .45 ACP. so that would be realistic. (when it said .50 I automatically thought he was firing a sniper rifle)
1694220
Ungulates and similar animals have sturdier bodies than humans so I thought I would up the caliber. Fires the same cartridge as the large Desert Eagle. Admittedly that was mainly me just dicking around with ideas.
1694803
You misunderstand. I said "that would be realistic" in reference to .50 (being that .45 is used for a an smg too) and I meant that the bullet you used would be realistic for that weapon.
1695132
I didn't misunderstand ya, just thought I'd explain my thought process. I got a bunch of other weapon concepts floating around that will eventually show up. Feel free to throw the story a like.
1695230
*Gasp* you must be psychic, I actually forgot to like your story!
Not to worry, I'm doing it now.
I just ranted in another fics commentary and I'm probably going to regret it soon.*sigh* I really hope I didn't make a huge mistake.
1695230
For some reason that made me think you have a "southern" accent.
with the "ya" and the
1695288
The funny thing is I really do have a southern accent. My family is from Kentucky.
1695332
Well I don't have a discernable "Minnesotan" accent (Though I can imitate it rather well) but I am "Minnesota Nice".
1695557
By the way, if it's at all possible, could you recommend my story to others? We are having some promotion issues and the literary machine is only crawling along.
Having an accent is cool!
1695569
I'll have to complete reading the rest so that I can talk honestly about it, but yes I will.
(Sometimes fics can take a left turn into crazy town and I need to verify that this doesn't have that before I promote it.)
1695991
Gonna warn ya ahead o' time, the tone of the story changes majorly in Chapter 2, mainly because of the setting. Iron doesn't goof around if he knows he needs to be serious, which he did during the trip into the city.
Is it a on accident that in Fallout Equestria Memories the doctor of one of the towns (who is a main character) is also named stitches? It is a pretty steryotypical surgeon name so it probably is coincidental.
1696957
Coincidence. I originally envisioned Stitch-Up as a descendant of Lyra Heartstrings (note the play on the names) but she's melted to a bench in canterlot as of FoE. He's just a look-alike and I have a tendency to make puns and whatnot.
Your story is at the noticable level when it comes to grammar and spelling errors. when you see them they slightly distract but usually don't detract from the story.
It's just a bunch of context errors like this. It should be Assasin because they're talking about the job position not the act itself.
Do you have anyone editing and correcting your work?
I'm perfectionistic when it comes to spelling so I just had to point that out.
1697077
I have an editor who goes through and makes some adjustments, and I do some stuff as well. No one's said anything about it until now so I didn't think there was a problem. I use Chrome for the spell-checker function when I write.
Me: Woah there back up a few feet! Have you ever heard of "Too good to be true."? I predict that she is going to try and screw him over in a non-innuendo type fashion.
I'm just saiyan
1697125
Like I said I'm super perfectionistic. It isn't that bad It's just that I notice all of that stuff.
1697147
Despite Eagle's odd remarks, there is a valid reason behind how she acts. It will be covered in a future chapter. Also, time to find a second editor. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
I see dat pun der.
Yep. Suspicions confirmed, she is evil. (maybe the red/black heart represents a schizophrenia of sorts? one half of her personality is good while the other is evil?)
Also apparently she owns a donkey.
1697194
The whole grammar thing spooked me for a bit, but thanks for clarifying that it's not really a bad thing. Mister Frost (co-author and editor) and I tend to speak in more of an informative, professional, unusual form. That might have something to do with it.
Betcha can tell I had quite a bit o' fun writing this. Especially Eagle.
1697222
It's funny. I was less than a paragraph from finding out her name, so when you said "Eagle" I went "Who's that?". (Also I pictured J.D. from scrubs yelling "EAGLE!")
Question. How exactly does an editor edit? Let me clarify that (so that I don't sound like an idiot). How do they go into your story and make changes? And are those changes marked in some way or are they just put in? I'm new to this process and thus have no relavant knowledge to speak of.
Oh and don't tell me spoilers directly (I'm only up to the point that I'm commenting on.)