Mothers are there when we need them the most.
A simple little character piece, but well written. The only drawback to it that I can find is that it doesn't seem to do much. It's marked as complete, a one-shot, but I think it could make a good spring-board for a story. Something covering Celestia's early years of getting used to leading without Luna around.
In short, lots of potential that it would be great to see expanded on. Thumbs up!
Glad to see this up
Good story. Not a lot happened but definately a nice little read before bed.
I could see this being an episode in the show.
A back story to Celestia, lets face it we barely know the princess.
There should be episode dedicated to her.
It was a nice little read I just feel like it could of been spaced out a little more.
I still enjoyed it none the less. Good job.
>>10272881027288 >>10275241027524 >>10454511045451 Well I'm glad you all enjoyed it. I know it could have been expanded on, but I am just a lazy person. I had this idea at 2 am, and wrote it down to get it out of my head. Who knows? Maybe I will come back to this idea one day, but no promises. Thanks for the comments and brony on!
I definitely agree on the idea that it could be expanded on.
It's well written, very in character, and a very good concept - but like Bed Head said, it didn't actually do much. I like stories which get something done. Not necessarily a huge story, but having a clear purpose. For a simple premise-piece or oneshot, there was definitely nothing wrong with this. But while a lot of stories like this don't have the option to really go anywhere, this definitely leaves much room for continuation. I'd definitely like to see that. ;3
>>15061131506113 Thanks for the read! I really like exploring Celestia's character, and I think I am going to come back to this concept eventually; either in this story or in another. I just wish time were more on my side. (plus I have a tendency to be lazy) If it were up to me, I would sit in my house all day and generate story ideas, but sadly that is not possible.
Thanks again for reading
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Rest Is Up To You
Grammar score out of 10: 9.5 (I'm no grammar expert, so I might have missed some obscure rule )
- It was a very sweet concept
- I liked the characterization of Celestia and her Mother
- The descriptions are phenomenal
- Maybe a bit of incorrect comma usage near the beginning, but I'm not totally completely sure
- '“Will I ever see you again?” Celestia asked asked as Mother became harder and harder to see.'
This was one of the better stories I've read! It's very touching, and I'm happy I read it!
If you wouldn't mind, I would sincerely appreciate it if you reviewed my story, The Generation That Even Time Has Forgotten
Your Faithful Critic,
>>19544431954443 Thank you for the review! I will look at your story when I have some more time.
It looks quite interesting!
Your story was fabulous
Hi Helljumper I'll be reviewing your story today.
Name: The rest is up to you.
Grammar Score 4 out of 10
Good idea for a story
Too much tell. Example:
The forest was going about its normal business.
How is it going about it's normal business? You get into this in the rest of the paragraph so this sentence doesn't need to be there. Establish the setting by showing not telling.
Her mane, that used to flow unchallenged by the air with such beauty and grace fell towards the ground.
There should be a comma after grace and replace "that" with "which"
Lavender unicorn syndrome:
When Celestia is first introduced first she's a lone traveler one paragraph and princess of the day the next. You need to stay consistent.
Notes: I think your biggest issue is telling rather than showing. I'll be blunt and say NEVER start a story off with
The forest was going about its normal business.
or any variant of "It was a warm sunny day." This is going to kill readers right at the get go.
You occasionally use ellipses in the narrative. Ellipses are more suited for dialogue rather than narrative.
While there is potential in this story, I think you can expand much more by showing why only Celestia came. Show how she's reacting to this death and why Luna isn't there. Expand and show are the big things you need to focus on here.
Sorry if this came out rough, I know getting a review is hard, but improvement is always worth it. I haven't got a story to review just yet but I look forward to future readings from you.
>>19545481954548 Don't be sorry! It is critiques like yours that will help me improve.
You asked me to look at this one and I find myself with an abundance of time so have a review!
The Rest Is Up To You
Pros: Yet another well done Celestia piece. I like the relationship between her and her mother in this story. This one almost feels like it could tie in to your other story "Firebird".
Cons: Not much to say here really. It's a bit short but it's not really lacking anything so yeah.
Notes: I really enjoyed this piece. It can be easy to forget about Celestia when it comes to the 1000 year banishment of Luna. She may not have suffered the isolation that Luna did but she had to live with the consequences of sealing her sister away. This story makes you think about that.
I hope you enjoyed your review. Seeing as I did this one for the heck of it I wont ask for one in return.