Rainbow Dash is having a hard time and Pinkie Pie decides it's time to confess something she's wanted to for a long time.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 17th Nov, 2011
- offline last seen Aug 15th, 2019
Mitslits
I am new at fanfictions, but I really enjoy writing so here goes nothing!
Mitslits
Joined 17th Nov, 2011 ·
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Awsome one shot
Phenomenal.
The letters though
The ending though!
Then I was like
If I'm going to read this, I need to know now. How sad is this?
1023788
It's really not that bad.
Okay, then I'll read it.
1023788
not very
Does this really warrant the 'sad' tag? I don't honestly think it does...
It is very rushed as well. Way too rushed, and therefore, nothing that goes on really has any effect. None of the scenes make me go, 'Hmm, yep. I felt that'. On top of that, it feels, I don't know... jumbled. Rainbow Dash is sad and crying? Then suddenly she's cleaning Sugarcube corner and heads to a party. Pinkie finds a rejection letter from the Wonderbolts, and suddenly, she's kicked out? I don't think Dash would do that, especially if she was trying to confess to Pinkie.
Also, that last line... it's hollow. That's the problem. The sky had nothing to do with the story, so when you use that line, it's empty. Insignificant. Hollow. Not bad, it just needs more meaning behind it to leave an emotional impression.
Now, the mechanics of this piece are a bit iffy. Firstly, you should probably have an extra space after your paragraphs to break up that wall of text. There's a few typos here and there, and you definitely need an editor. As well, when you want to emphasize something, stick to italics. Bold and caps aren't a good idea.
Something else: Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Watch out for it. 'The pink pony', 'the blue mare', etc... just stick with the name or a pronoun.
I also think that this has been done before. Its the same, 'I love you but can't tell you' plot that so many stories have. It could use an original factor, but it isn't bad. Those problems sucked my enjoyment out of it though, I'm afraid to say. It's just a flat piece. There's no real depth to it. Again, it wasn't bad.
I think that's all I had to say. Just a general overview of it, my criticism.
How sweet and romantic.
In defense of "I love you and I can't tell you," I suspect that many, if not most, of us have either gone through that or will be doing so eventually. Which makes it something less than unique - but which also makes it something close to universal.
Okay, maybe it did unfold at a fairly unrealistic rate. I'll get over it.
1023898
Trust me, I've tried the editor. That didn't work out so well. I'm way too impatient for that. That kinda goes along with the whole 'pacing' thing too.
The last line was just supposed to show how much she loved her. I mean, the sky going dark would be pretty big.
And, I got used to bold and caps from Facebook chat, where there are no italics.
1024527 Hmm, well you may want to consider one anyway... You definitely need one (no offense intended). This story's quality would increase by a lot if you had the aid of an editor. The fast pacing would probably be fixed as well. Right now, it is going at breakneck speed. I wanted to read romance, not Nascar.
I know what you mean with the last line, but it is just too flat for an impact. You could, say, have Pinkie noticing how bright the sky is, and have her really admire it, know constellations, moon phases, etc... then, when she says that, readers consider just how much she loves the bright night sky and say, 'wow, that's a lot of love'. Right now, it has no impact.
On that note, what I would have recommended (if I was your editor, and I'm sure any good editor would recommend the same) is that you should have had Rainbow Dash say that last line. It leaves a feeling of completion to the story. She wanted to say it, she didn't know how, then she did... so it should have ended with her. Her conflict was primary.
And yeah, you should just use italics. I get that Facebook has none, but this is a story, not a chat. Just my thoughts.
1024472 Yes, I understand. But what I'm saying is, at best, it should be used as a base. Then, it should be built upon in a unique way. It shouldn't be the plot.
1024527 why do you have to be so good at writing sad stories
Not a bad story, better than I coul-d do, but I've seen better. I'm still gonna liek this one and I do like it.
A very good start! As Lynked said, some editing is required to help with the pacing and some lines that seem out of place. Also, to help explain why Pinkie is able to walk on the clouds of Dash's house and how Pinkie got back to the ground after being expelled from the house. That being said, I liked the sentiment! Keep it up!
meh... MEH!!! the phasing is horrible, the lack of spacing was annoying, i wasn't much of a fan of this one... sorry >_<
1028366
I don't know how she could walk on the clouds, but I did say that Rainbow Dash set her down before flying back into her house.
Good story, only problem I had was that earth ponys can't walk on clouds, but I can get over it. It is pinkie pie we're talking about.
awsome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
1023898
I don't know if you even still come on this site at all, but in case you do I felt I had to say this: thank you. What you said about the 'last line ringing hollow' legitimately helped me become a better writer.
I think about this comment a lot, almost every time I go to write an ending. Like I do a mental check to make sure I'm not going to be leaving readers with the feeling that the last line has no impact.
So yeah. Thank you. A lot.
Thanks For Writing This I Was Sad Before I Read This Just Thanks!