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Celestia and Luna are the vanguards of the Sun and Moon as well as the guardians of light and dark. But who controls the elements themselves? Two Alicorns as old as time itself. Locked in an eternal struggle of dark and light, good verses evil. The mane six accidentally unleash an evil greater than anything they have faced before and must correct their mistakes.
>>BassTheBrony yes he is actually. A demonic alicorn. He has the personality of his children. The wackyness and twisted humor of Discord, the regal athorah (South Park referance) of Nightmare Moon, and the vampiric and arrogant attitude of Chrysalis. Dont judge just by his looks. He stands for everything dark and overall bad. You should see his brother. You can see him on my Tumblr page http://www.tumblr.com/blog/major-alucard-wesker
No offense, I'm sure you're a great writer, but you kinda went straight to the cliche pit-trap of MLP fanfictions. Super bad-to-the bone, mean black and red demonic alicorn. I beg of you to not go down this path of overdone, silly, horrid trap that so many authors fall into. I'll admit I myself fall into many other stereotypical traps. Readers want original content. And that is incredibly hard to come up with, but ya know what? I bet ya every popular author on here creates original and fresh ideas. You're probably a great writer, but this is simply far to overdone. Look around the site, how many other evil black and red alicorns do you see in stories, and how well received are those stories? Then go look at a well received story that is fairly popular, such as Twilight and the Spartan Stallion by Aegis Shield. It was original, well written, and contained very little in the way of cliche content.
Please don't mistake this as pointless ranting, I'm simply trying to help before it's too late.
>>Church Why? You see there are some people in this world for whom a means do not require an end. I speak of course of myself. I dont need a why or because. I simply am. Besides I figured since Celestia and Luna represent the sun and moon who would represent the Darkness and Light itself?
>>BassTheBrony
Well thank you for the comment but Im actually something of an intermediate writer. Nothing grand. Besides I write to get things out of my head not so much to placate readers. I share the random thoughts in my head with you all for something of enjoyment. I understand there are many cliche's but some righters have to write thoes first. I mean I first started with Mary Sues and plots that went virtually nowhere. I hand created Major Alucard Wesker and Sir Alexander Redfield and decided to put them to use. But I also have a few twists in mind dont you worry.
>>1014932 Forgive me if I may have sounded dry.
but I do agree with Bass the Brony. Everyone is looking into originality, and you are traveling down a road that's been done too many a time. Your writing isn't nearly as bad as some offenders of this topic... but still.
>>1015073 heh, see the little box in the corner of my comment?
click it.
now respond in your box next to the numbers.
that's how you respond to a comment.
but no, that's fine i guess. I should warn you that people usually seek out stories like this and just rip on them, though. Fair warning 
>>1015118 There ya go.
and it isn't that. It's just that they've seen these stories all the time. the down votes are for a reason.
but it is true that some of the comments get out of hoof. so I don't know what happened there. Trust me when I say you haven't caught the worst of it, but this isn't as poorly written, so perhaps you'll get it a bit easier than most.
Perhaps but as Rainbow Dash would state only about 20% will come up with fresh stories. I mean do you have any idea how many stories I have seen where Twilight is or has been turned into a changeling or where Nightmare Moon, Discord, and Chrysalis have emerged victorious? And they actually do well. As I have told others I dont care much for human beings. Most a cruel and I have fallen victim too many times for me to care about them anymore. And yes I know I sound VERY hypocritical here.
>>1015156 Oh yeah, this is NOTHING compared to what others get on this site. Your story may be downvoted, but your comments section are cleaner that Mr. Clean's bald fucking head. Well, now there's a spot because I said fuck... twice. Anyway, the story is well written, and you are a talented writer, but like the people above me said, it's an over done premise. I wouldn't worry too much about it though, it could be way, WAY, worse.
Thats because you don't know how to give something a chance and have to particular purpose on this earth other than to attempt to make people feel bad about ourselves and lack of talent. Im sorry no love and tolerance? You aren't a real fan and thus do not deserve to watch or read about anything related to the show. You are about as useful as Trixie. Arrogant and a troll. My true talent lies in my pencil not my computer heathen. I hope you know that you are going to say something mean to the wrong person and something not favorable towards you just might happen. I could have been a five year old for all you know and you might have just seriously hurt me with your words. So chillax Scrooge before you really inflict damage on someone.
Yes. I created my name Major based off of a hellsing character named Major Montana Max. Alucard comes from another character of the same series and yes Wesker is Wesker. I have had the name for a while and gave it to my character. But I also wanted too give him a polar opposite. In helling Major's enemy is Sir Integra Hellsing. Alucard's enemy is Paladin Alexander Anderson the Juads Priest. And you know of Chris Redfield ... I hate that man soooo much. But thanks for the read. It is interesting if one does give it a shot going past the initial paragraph. Nopony seems to really like Major's boasts. Thanks again 
Everyone else in here is too nice or too naive to tell you how it is. My love and tolerance isn't in question here; we are talking about your writing.
To be perfectly fair, I didn't start off giving you honest opinions and advice, and for that I am sorry. I assumed that I would get a reaction basically like what I just got. This post is a slightly more vindictive version of what I should've said--if you are honest with yourself and if you are interested in improving yourself as a writer, then you should take this advice to heart.
The simplest way I can express the problem is this: Your writing is indistinguishable from a parody of fanfiction. If any of those words were too big for you, I mean that I could sarcastically write something intentionally horrible, and then show my thing and your thing to a third party, and that person would not be able to tell who wrote what. My sarcastic, intentionally awful thing would be just the same as yours.
Let me break down the problems before even getting into your writing style.
Your characters are named Wesker and Redfield. If you think the audience is too stupid to catch that reference, then all hope is lost for you. More likely you just think it's "cool" to reference those names. It's not. Those two names are from a universe that is in no way compatible with My Little Pony. If this were some kind of Resident Evil crossover, then using those names could be done as a joke or something, but this is not a Resident Evil crossover. You used those names because you thought it was cool. There is no other reason. This is a bad thing. Don't do it. It sounds stupid. It IS stupid.
The character looks awful. Now, this isn't strictly your fault; he just looks like a typical evil red demon thing. That's fine, but you should be aware of reader biases when it comes to this kind of thing. Pony creator images tend to be shunned, as does the color combination black and red. First off black and red grates on the eyes a little, but more importantly, it's become nauseatingly cliche. Look at that comic someone posted making fun of OCs. Those are all OCs that are obviously supposed to look "cool" because black is cool. Ugh. Eww. Don't be like that.
Your characters are more powerful than Luna and Celestia. This takes you beyond "typical but forgivable first fanfic" and into the realm of "GTFO CHRIS-MYKAN-CHAN WITH YOUR SONICHU-EPHIROTH." Writing characters like this is an offense against the universe you are pretending to write inside. You say I don't deserve this show; I question how much authority you have to say that when you're so willing to unapologetically change everything about the show just to let out what you call the ideas in your head. You've given everything a dark theme, you've inserted YOUR OWN OCs as the most powerful things in Equestria, and absolutely nothing about the pony world of ponying ponies has anything to do with what you're writing.
You have grammar/spelling errors IN YOUR SYNOPSIS. If the few dozen words in your synopsis are not SPOTLESS, then there is no chance whatsoever that the rest of your fic will have acceptable spelling or grammar. Sure enough, the first paragraph of your story is almost unreadable for all the errors.
If I had the time and energy I could and would make your pages bleed and suffer with a red pen. Your English skills are at a 6th grade level, if that.
The thing is, though, that bad writing can be forgiven. Even the horrible ideas (two alicorn OCs who are stronger than Celestia) can be forgiven. What pushes you into the realm "obnoxious child" instead of "bad writer just learning the ropes" is the fact that you refuse to acknowledge any of what I just said. These are things that lots of people make when they first discover something they love and decide they want to write or draw about it or whatever.
You can learn writing skills; you can mature past your hilarious mary sue ideas. You will not accomplish either of those things while your response to criticism like mine is "you're just being mean" or "you just don't understand."
If you don't believe me, take this to www.ponychan.net/chan/fic and show it off. I will bet you 500 bucks and two free nut shots that you get exactly the same treatment there that you just got from me.
Alrighty then Imma be honest here by saying I only read most of that. 1, the name Major Alucard Wesker isnt just a referance to the RE series but a name I have used as my own for some time online anyway and bestowed it uppon my character. The name Redfield comes in when I created a polar opposite to him. 2 I did want to create something more powerful than anything seen lately for Luna and Celestia are PRINCESSES not QUEENS so naturally they have to look up to something. I wanted M.A.W to be hated by his own children showing the solitude of the darkness. Luna is a soft summer night while M.A.W is the dead of winter. And I must also say you dont really tolerate because some other people have read and actually Favorited. And my writing skills? I really dont care. Called FANfiction for a reason. SO long as its readable it is good in its own way. the FAN makes the FICTION. Its THEIR universe. So remove the pole from your flank and relax. You act like anything even remotely going against the system is an abomination.
If you just don't care, then I am wasting my time trying to point out how and why you're falling into such classic, typical traps. What you say by way of explaining your characters... is crap, but you're refusing to hear it, and I have no interest in fighting over this with you.
There is one thing you said that I will not allow to stand. Fanfiction or not, all writing comes from a spark creation. In simpler terms, all creativity is created equal. I could refer you to some legitimately beautiful fanfics I've read that involve genuine storytelling, creativity, and worldbuilding. Fantasies that explore unseen angles of unicorn culture, witty humor both heartwarming and cynical, and breathtakingly intimate and believable drama. These things are fanfiction, and a few years from now nobody will take them seriously--they will be worthless, amusing memories that can no longer even be shown off.
But the writing that was put into them, the spark of creation, is pure and beautiful. Maybe you aspire to this or maybe you don't. Maybe you didn't even know that there are fanfics out there that are legitimately wonderful. Make no mistake--fanfiction can be wonderful.
Oh and one more thing. "Going against the system?" Ha! You're talking to a clop author, brony. Save your "lol don't hate me for not being a part of your system" for a time when it's gonna make sense. The idea that I might be criticizing you for being UNIQUE, when in fact the problem is how TYPICAL you are, is just hilarious.
The reality is that you likely don't give a damn about writing or or the quality of your own writing, and such is your right. Yes, some people with standards similar to yours will read your fic and enjoy it even though it's terrible. I'm happy for them--it's a good feeling to go out and find that someone has written what you want to read, regardless of the specifics. Maybe they too will mature away from this kind of thing--or maybe not.
I ... I have read one fic I really loved. Something tells me you know EXACTLY which one it is. It is MLP FIM related and not my own. And as warped as my soul is it nearly brought a tear to my eye twards the end. I recall rumors of it being made into a movie or episode
>>1015216 Consider the following:
There are endless possibilities if you draw him
I'm sorry but that OC Alicorn is so...
I've seen so many of them 
Red and Black Alicorns everywhere.
Most of the time Alicorns don't really make sense. Alicorns in general are very cliché. The funny thing is that your OC is the stereotypical red and black. Ponies in Equestria do range in multiple colours however are normally low in contrast, It's not natural for a pony to have such a high contrast, hit you in the face with a truck colour scheme. 
Also most bad guys aren't all powerful gods. If you used a bad guy who wasn't such a mary-sue the story would be a lot better. I'm talking about using unicorns, pegasi, griffins etc. Give your antagonist certain traits that make him deceiving and manipulative yet still have flaws like everypony else. Your antagonist can thrive with these traits. You do not need to have "Insert god power here" to make a good story. No one likes perfect or overpowered characters, they are boring and people will dislike your story. 
This probably won't be read but *Shrugs* my two cents 
Alicorn OC. Check
Stronger than princesses. Check
Red and Black. Czech
Sorry to be such a dick about this, but...
Sorry, but there's no hope for this. You just might have to scrap it or make a quadrillion changes to the story. Until then...
Not drawn. I stumbled across the pony maker and created him.
Painfully aware of that now but thanks for the input
Meh some people like it and believe it or not this story isnt to please fans or come up with something invigorating and new! Im not Confucius here. Im just writing my thoughts into a story and displaying them for the people that actually like this kind of fic
Thanks for recognizing that Celestia. Oh but I have plans for your character alright.
Danke! .... questions? Like what? Id be happy to explain unless I have plans for what you bring up.
Danke
Ok I know what you are about to say. Chrysalis daddy's little girl!? What the Buck is this!? But dont fret. there is both an explanation to this and a plot element! I mean think about it. Isnt the youngest usually the most innocent as well as the overall favorite? And dont worry Chrysalis' regal attitude will still be added.
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well after RE5 I don't blame anyone for hating him hes is a steroid induced freak of nature now 
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