After most humans go through conversion, a convert I bullied in High school pays me a visit.
This won't end well, atleast I have my shelter
Eh, not bad Couple of typos and formatting problems, but a quick read through should eliminate most of them. Also, just ignore the anti-TCB trolls. Let me know if you need help in any way Also, maybe post this in the Conversion Bureau group? Up to you, I guess. Have a 'stache
I'm not really a fan of The TCBverse but this one is okay i guess.
Still downvoting it because the A/N at the end makes you seem like an arrogant asshole.
>>10110721011072 Yeah i know, ME complaining about arrogance.
>>10110481011048 how is this one ok?
>>10121521012152 Well the pony actually has a justifiable reason for converting the guy. I was rooting for him the entire fic, which is a first because i never root for the TCBponies, so congratulations on that.
I would read more of this.
>>10121911012191 Why not?
> A 14 hhghjgfyear old who
Aaany ways, I loved this.
This was a good story concept, and your portrayal of a bully was very well done. I knew that guy.
Also the jokes were funny - my favorite was the meat one in the bathroom.
I think you need to go over the story and do an editing pass. There are... quite a few errors, such as:
A 14 hhghjgfyear old who under went conversion, also some paragraph spacing errors and a fair number of mistypes.
I have one suggestion - you might want to consider making the dart sequence a little more clear. Anyone unfamiliar with the CB universe would not know what the dart meant, and would be utterly lost. There are many ways this could be done without compromising the abrupt shock ending you went for. You might indicate earlier that such things happened, by alluding to the PER and what they do, or you might make a point of describing the conversion serum as purple earlier, then make a point of describing the dart as filled with purple goo, for example.
In science fiction and science fantasy, it is a good idea to never assume your audience knows everything, because you are dealing with a world that readers must learn - it is not the world they know. Even a little bit of explanation can go a long way to bridge the gap. My rule of thumb is to always assume in every story I write that my reader has never read any of my previous works before, and that they do not know the fantastic world I am writing in. It means I always explain the basics in every story somehow, even if only in passing, but it also means that every story will stand for every reader.
I was very impressed with the basic feel of this story. I think everyone can relate to being bullied.
>>10142241014224 Thanks for that comment. I went back through and tried to fix as many errors as I could find. I also tired to clarify what Freeze Drop is doing to him.
I'm dying to find out what Freeze Drop did to the bully.