You seem to have javascript disabled, or your browser is failing to execute it properly. Much of Fimfiction's functionality requires javascript so we suggest you turn it on! If this message goes away after a few seconds, ignore it, javascript support sometimes takes a few seconds to detect.

Featured In9

  • ...
 33
 1,052
Source

The story of Echo, the blind wonderbolt appeared only as a background pony, of whom we caught a glimpse in the second season. This story is for her and every background character brought to the light and given a story from the various artists of the fandom, that gave life to what now are the backbones of the fandom itself.

First Published
31st Jul 2012
Last Modified
31st Jul 2012
#1 · 124w, 1d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

whooo

Wall-of-text almost made me flee, but then I saw it was Echo's PoV.

you might want to break it up a little, though, a lot of people are going to be scared off by it.

you could break it up, and keep it in italics instead, to indicate that it's all thoughts. It's common practice, and it avoids wall-of-text.

EDIT:

All-in-all, a beautiful work. This is certainly an amazing story, and I hope to see more such works from you in the future.

+watched

#2 · 124w, 1d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

>>1005575

Thank you for the tip and the watch.

This one was very interesting to write... complicated but interesting.

#3 · 124w, 1d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Still a great read, though the formatting is daunting when you open up the chapter.  I (think) I get why, and it works well to capture a small fillies thoughts, but it might give others a bad impression.  Absolutely love this, I personally prefer the sad over the warm, fuzzy stories.

EDIT MODE:

Sunflower stared at his husband

                                her

the only thing you do is drinking the money

                  your doing          away

Oh she’s fine, just a fucking” He kicked her in the guts “bag of potatoes!”

                                fucking,  he                            guts,

He stared at her angrily as all her fury grew steadily, but she was bigger than her

She              him                                                                he                                         Not to sure about this one.

That's everything I saw

, can't wait for the rest!:pinkiehappy:

#4 · 124w, 1d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

>>1005711

As always D, thank you for taking time in both reading and help me fix those pesky little errors that I missed.

#5 · 124w, 1d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

>>1005739

No problem, since I can't write, I might as well use my [Swag]

  awesome Grammar/Spelling Nazi Powers*[/Swag] to find those little things that all authors miss.  & I'd much rather spend my time re-rereading (It was good enough to read all three times) work that is already fantastically written than the stuff I normally go through and critique.

I shall now give you Luna's for your praise and thanks!

#6 · 124w, 1d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

A beautiful story, and well told :twilightsmile:

My only concerns have been covered above, the rest looks great to me.

#7 · 124w, 1d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

Bravo. Encore!!!!

Have all my moustaches!!!

:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

#8 · 123w, 22h ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

>>1005711

:derpyderp2:

YOU used your instead of you're, and I find that saddening.

That, and your proposed change to "Oh she’s fine, just a fucking” was completely wrong. The part I'm showing was fine the way it was.

I apologize for my harshness, and not pointing out more errors myself, but it's 4:44am for me. =3

#9 · 123w, 22h ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

You were featured for about ten seconds.

Food for thought.

#10 · 123w, 17h ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

>>1049997

I was? Really? that's interesting. With 90 views and 9 comments/thumbs, I thought that was quite impossible.

Anyway I expect more people will be reading this today/tomorrow/whenever when It will be posted on EQD.

#11 · 123w, 10h ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

>>1049989

I do not mind criticism at all, in fact, I think that it is better than praise, for you learn little to nothing from praise, while criticism is a chance to learn.

Yes, I did type your instead of you're:twilightblush:, and that was a complete screw up on my part, though I know exactly why I wrote it, it was the same reason I typed this>>1005781 embarrassing as hell comment not too long after, a problem that, surprisingly, is not in effect at this moment:scootangel:.

Though, I would like to understand why you say these corrections

Oh she’s fine, just a fucking” He kicked her in the guts “bag of potatoes!”

                                fucking,  he                            guts,

are incorrect?  Maybe I missed something or forgot my grammar lessons, it has been a few years, but you place commas inside quotations before you begin an action, and then again after the action if you are going to continue the same speech as was before.  And you would only capitalize "He" if the action took place after the speech that was beforehand, which would then require the comma to be replaced with a period instead.  Please, if I'm wrong explain it to me, for I would be most appreciative.  I don't mind being wrong, as long as I can fix to the best of my ability why I'm wrong:twilightsmile:.

EDIT:

I also screwed up this line in my comment.

Not to sure about this one.

#12 · 123w, 9h ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

>>1052525

The point is that there's a "!" at the end.

Oh she’s fine, just a fucking!” He kicked her in the guts “Bag!"He kicked ehr again "Of potatoes!”

#13 · 123w, 6h ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

>>1052914

Ah was that an edit, or did I just completely miss that?  Either way, it definitely conveys the emotions of the passage better than what I originally read, whether it was real or imagined.

#14 · 123w, 3h ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

>>1052525

The only thing you had wrong was removing the 'a' before 'fucking'. Nuthin' more.

Revised revision:

--

"Oh she’s fine, just a fucking...” he yelled as he kicked her in the stomach. “...Bag..." he added, kicking her again. "...Of potatoes!”

--

I don't think this flows well either, though. You're breaking form by splitting up the sentence, but I do see what you're trying to do - I just don't know how to pull it off.

#15 · 123w, 3h ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

>>1054487

Ahh, that is not what I meant at all, when I edit, I only retype what I think should be changed.  If I believed that the "a" should have been removed, I would have typed

Oh she’s fine, just a fucking” He kicked her in the guts “bag of potatoes!”

                       just fucking,  he                            guts,

as opposed to what I did type.  I am rather lazy and do not want to type more than I need to in order to convey my thoughts, usually.

As for how to word it better, I think the author has done a good job of fixing it, though their are minor punctuation errors in the comment, I am too tired, and still have a lot of crap to do tonight before I can go to sleep (11:53 P.M. currently) tonight/tomorrow, so I'm not going to go into the story and check.  I might later, but not now.

Hope this clears everything up.

#16 · 122w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

"A story about the beauty of life, with words as simple as a child's murmurs and as deep as the greatest philosopher's writings."

That's my book tagline for you. You're welcome. :rainbowkiss:

#18 · 122w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

This is... Different. I'm not sure how else to say it. This kind of subject matter is not my personal cup-of-tea, but I guess I didn't expect the dark territory that would be covered so early in the story. It's well executed, and while I understand why people are confused by the wall of text format, the style serves a purpose. Yes, it runs-on, but it has reason to.

I believe this has been discussed, but I do notice some pronoun confusion on gender specification. I think some he's were meant to be her's and such.

Again, this is... Different, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm glad people aren't afraid to be different.

#19 · 122w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

Not many stories are able to pique my emotions like this one. You did an excellent job describing the sensation of being blind, that I am now terrified of it. However, I don't know if blind people regret not having their sight, or pity those with their sight because they will never feel the awesome sensations that they experience. I commend you. Great story, and great writing.

#20 · 122w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

>>1062550

The wall of text and pronoun corrections actually were right when they had been made.

The WoT  was supposed to make the flow of throughts more consistent, but really crippled the reading, so I decided to get rid of it.

#21 · 122w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

So... was this in any way inspired by Tumblr? Because I think that's where Echo originally comes from...

http://ask-echo-wonderbolt.tumblr.com

#22 · 122w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

>>1054487

The way to pull that off is this little mark here: —. The emdash! Watch as it works its magic.

"Oh she’s fine, just a fucking—” he yelled as he kicked her in the stomach. “Bag—" he added, kicking her again. "Of potatoes!”

Actually, I'm not 100% certain about that one. I know you're supposed to use a certain kind of dash for it, and I think it's the emdash, but don't hold it against me if I'm wrong. I'm also pretty sure that the way it is right now, with the exclamation points, is perfectly fine.

#23 · 122w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Some of my words are poorly chosen, read the whole thing: This terrifying story appears to me, during Echo's POV, to be a combination of Bubbles and White Box. It's... horrible in the sense that there's a lot of horror, it's brilliantly written, but it's... it's a blind foal with a scared mother, a dead, drugged-up, alcoholic, abusive dead-beat father, and probably a foal going to the wrong family. And there's another half of the story for me to read still.

Like I said. Great writing, and a strong sense of horror. Uh, if anyone can say a more applicable word than 'horrible' in this case, please tell me. Just to be clear, I'm using it as in 'sense of horror' not 'atrocious'.

#24 · 122w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

That. Was. AWESOME!

Thank you so much for writing this. Massive contrast to the first chapter, no less brilliant. More so, in fact.

And now that's two Echo characters who are extremely awesome in this fandom. How many more?

#25 · 122w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

Well, that was only a couple dozen kinds of beautiful. Good job, I love it.

#26 · 122w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

>>1064672

I actually sent it to the tumblr, because I wouldn't have written it if I hadn't seen florecentmoo's pic of echo(that one I used as my main image) on there. Eventually it will be read, but I've seen the last activity was from...two months ago?

I want to take this small space to thank everyone who's read it and who commented it. It really makes my day to see that my work is that aprpeciated; also >>1065538 I do have to say that Bubbles has inspired me a bit in the first part and the colour thing could be unconciously related to White box actually... loved that fic.

#27 · 121w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

My mind is full of mixed visions of tragic foal and her mother and adorable foal chewing her mother's scarf.  That is a strange and disturbing mix.  Please continue. :pinkiehappy:

#28 · 121w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

You almost got me to cry...and on the first chapter! Celestia...it's My Little Dashie all over again....only that time i was crying while trying to finish it

#29 · 120w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

I'm not sure if there's a sense of style you're going for. (Writing from the perspective from a child) To me it doesn't work. Sorry, but using the word "because" in a fic is one of my major pet peeves, and your fic has that in spades.

I guess I'll fill you in so you have somewhat an idea where I'm coming from. "Because" implies pure and unchecked telling. It has no emotional connection whatsoever with the reader, almost like the author took something from the character sheet and slapped it onto paper. The goal of this fic is obviously to create a sense of emotion in the reader. Using any sort of cause and effect relationship does nothing but remind the reader that he is reading a story. If you can't keep your readers hooked, then emotional connections with the reader is downright impossible.

Again, maybe the writing style is supposed to be from "echo the filly's" perspective, the but run-on sentences are really, really distracting. It's almost like you never heard of a period. Sorry.

#30 · 120w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

>>1162738

There's an italian movement called the Verism, created during the first quarter of the 20 century. That movement consists in immersing the reader in the story by simply breaking the wall between the reader and the writer, making the reader itself become one of the characters and think like one. They concentrated on showing the reality of life and giving portraits of the society they were living in. Simply put, when in a novel a normal writer would say " Frank was hated by the village because he had red hair; that made them think he was the son of the devil and would never do any good." a Verist would say" Frank was born with red hair, that means he was evil." You become one of the characters of the small village of Acitrezza, without any kind of glass pane, telling the reader that what he has written is ,indeed, written and not lived. Strangely enough,the word "Because" is often used in that kind of novels.

That is what I'm doing with Echo.

As for the run-on sentences... ever read Bubbles? You'd find it an interesting read.

Please stop saying sorry, it's almost irritating. If you want to say something just say your opinion without whispering and without saying sorry.

#31 · 120w, 7h ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

Huh. Interesting read. I liked the filly-POV-run-on-sentence style that most of the story was written in, and I completely disagree with Steben on the use of "because". I felt for filly Echo and I definitely got into the way she perceived the world.

My complaint is actually with the second part of the story where you describe adult Echo. You simply are trying too hard to be poetic. It feels artificial instead of being real.

Sentences like "She was alone and happy, unheeded, she was an atom in the cosmos, a crazy fragment dancing with the world, itself just a bigger grain of sand in the universe." just make me go :rainbowhuh: It's possible to overdose on metaphors and you're doing it.

Sentences like "Every atom that composed that nature, every molecule of air that brought the scent from its source to her nostrils was a hymn to joy, a hymn to life, beauty incarnate!" make me go :pinkiesick:

Also, some errors:

"and she always giving Echo kisses on the nose" -> missing "was"

"and she was happy because she could smell apples that were her favourite." -> "apples, which were"

"she’d get to eat some apples that were her favourite -> "apples, which were""

"but mommy still stroke her mane" -> "stroked"

"so she stayed there and try not to eat mommy’s scarf" -> "tried"

#32 · 117w, 1d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

I think this style works. It reminds me a lot of early Hemingway (In the winter we went to the barn but we did not like it there because the others knew it was there and we did talk to them).

#33 · 117w, 7h ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

>>1296312

Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, of course. I appreciate that you  compare me to hemingway,though. One of my favourite authors.

Login or register to comment