Memories
As I dare to venture further into the depths of my own emotion, I find myself quite frightened by a simple truth which I have stumbled upon not only about this world, but about myself.
My existence has been brief, as compared to the grand scheme of the world which I have devoted such great time to study. My physical existence can be measured in years, but my consciousness seems to stand alone.
The memories I have formed, the emotions I have embraced and the knowledge I have collected in my gaps seem unaltered by the standard affliction of time which erodes the minds of most ponies. My memories stand pure and fresh as the gap they were formed.
This is a burden I alone must carry.
To say I am a burdened genius is of course grossly egotistical. Genius is artistic. Genius is the ability to use the knowledge which has been accrued by past lives and form something new, something beautiful. I simply have my memories.
But perhaps memories also carry great power.
I am of the belief that we are born a blank slate, or soul and psyche are completely moldable. Because of this I have long searched for the answer to an age of question; If we are born the same, how do we all end up so different?
I have concluded it is our memories that make us who we are.
Memories make our decisions, our biases, our beliefs. Without our memories we are merely nebulous, without a sense of identity.
But what is it when we remember everything?
Within my mind there have been few memories of great impact, as all are remembered equally. I have no bias or personality by which to sway my opinion, and this frightens me greatly. Am I truly a creature of simple logic? If so, what is there to separate me from an automaton? I ask this now with such great fervor not because I have not considered it before, but because now...
It matters.
Before her, my emotions were so dormant that I had long accepted I was a being of simple logic and my decisions were made on probability alone. Now my emotions drove to act in ways that I would never have dreamt before. They have made me behave...illogically.
Yet strangely enough, this brings me great joy. To know that there is vulnerability within my soul is simultaneously frightening and empowering. To know that I may love and hurt and be hurt reminds me that I am alive.
And I feel for the first time that which I have given outwards so frequently...
Meaning.
I feel now what the planets and stars feel when they are admired through a telescope. I feel the simple joy of being recognized myself. I question for the first time in a long while that perhaps my purpose is not merely outward, but introspective as well. I am recognized. Where I was once lifeless in a sense I have been given life anew by her. I have been given meaning by the impacts and emotions I bring to others and myself through my actions.
I break my gap and return to her.
"Twilight...thank you."
She seems caught off guard by the statement, it I find that I must remind myself that she feels only a moment has passed.
"What, for the kiss?" She asks, befuddled, "You don't really need to thank me for that..."
I chuckle, something I have not done in a very long time, before responding, "Yes, but also for what you have given me."
"Given you?" She raises an eyebrow, as if trying to recall.
"Yes. It would seem you have given me something quite invaluable."
"Oh? And what is that?"
"A reminder that I am alive, and a memory that I am glad I can never forget."
"What do you mean 'you can never forget'?"
"Twilight, you should know that I remember everything that happens to me within my gaps, every second of every one. My mind is weighed with this knowledge, and sometimes it is a curse."
"You can't forget anything?" She asks, "What is that like?"
"Difficult." I reply, "To me the passage of time seems so fast. I feel as though I must act on what I have learned, which is myriad, and not on how I feel, which is sparse. You are the first pony I have met in a long time whom I can carry on a conversation with without stepping into my gaps."
"Why?" She asks.
"When I communicate with most ponies, I do not reply based on emotion or desire, I simply follow scripts. I have memorized everything ever said to me, and every possible response, but in doing so I had forgotten that we are meant to believe what we say to others. I had long been of the belief that I was simply to say that which would get me the most amicable response. It was not lying, per se, I just...found the words and actions that made my life amongst others easiest. But with you...it's like I'm improvising. I'm making up everything as I go, and I'm constantly terrified I'm going to say the wrong thing."
Twilight giggles, which is a response I did not expect.
"Clockwork, that's not as abnormal as you seem to think. We all have our scripts. The little things we say every day without even thinking about it. But that isn't really communication, it's just manners. True communication is what we are doing now, it's all made up on the fly. Believe me when I say I have that fear too, but it's worse for me because I know that if I say the wrong thing you'll step into your gap and analyze it for...well, what seems like hours to you."
This brings me a strange mix of comfort and sadness. Sadness because I do not want her to be afraid, but comfort because it means she feels another piece of what I feel for her.
"But these conversations," she continues, "are what make memories for ponies like us. We share our emotions and our thoughts with one another. We dare to challenge and complicate our beliefs. We remember these conversations, and they add to what make us who we are..."
I smile, "Like we're just a swirling mix..."
"of feelings and memories."
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Should be per se. It's a phrase in Latin I believe which means "for itself" or, more accurately, "for himself".
Other than that, nice, short, sweet chapter. Still rating at six
out of five.
when i read the part where he questioned his difference between an automation and him i thought "the difference is how you feel about her. and automation would just do what it always does, but you fell in love."
then he basically said that a few paragraphs down. i called it.
also, great to see another chapter of this! i can really relate to clockwork and i am envious of his power to take time to think of what to do and say.
thank you.
In your description:
Probably wanna say "any at all".
4512847
Well, no. It's a paradox. Because it is no time at all, but to him it feels like time is passing. Therefor it doesn't feel like no time has passed, but that's how it is to everypony else.
4512859 In the previous sentence, you say that it's so hard to tell how much time he spends there, then you say it never feels like it's no time. It'd make more sense to say "any" if you want that contradiction.
Also, it just twigs my double-negative alarm, even if it's used correctly.
If this is a philosophy thing, then I just wanna take the opportunity to post this:
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_li88eese3B1qh0mqxo1_500.jpg
Clockwork's powers… I had to make this reference. it's been a long time coming, but I'm doing it now:
WWWWWWWRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYY!
They should form a relationship and I can imagine Twilight fighting with him over going into his gaps too often.
A really good story. The pacing could be a little better, and it feels like Twilight fell for Clockwork way too quickly, but overall it's definitely a good story.
On another note, 71NYL, have you read shortskirtsandexplosions' Background Pony?
4513154 or going into the gaps so they can have some private time
whenever they want
4513299 But they can't speak in them. Just cuddle I suppose.
4513304 they can communicate if they really want to. And cuddling is the least they can do.
4513308 They can't do anything too rough or adventurous though, if they get hurt in one...
4513312 well, then they just need to wait a few minutes to heal. I can't tell if you are noticing the innuendos.
4513588 I thought Spike's injury was to tell the audience that by freezing time you have to be careful...
4513600 you have to assume that you have to be careful. The thing I learned is that gap damage has to heal inside gaps else it becomes fatal. Otherwise you can do what you want. Be it read think eat or sleep (either meaning)
I can't remember if sleeping or eating can happen during the gaps.
4513622 Okay, well, if you break a leg in one... that would suck.
4513630 for maybe the whole in-gap hour it would take to heal. Though the bones would need to be set.
I wonder how long a pregnancy would last. Though this doesn't seem to be the kind of fic to involve that.
4513643 Is healing accelerated in the gap? I'm talking relative to whoever needs to be healed?
if not wouldn't it feel like ages to you in the gap to heal a broken leg? Or was accelerated healing mentioned? If so then I forgot
4513649
Anything that is changed within the gaps is not recognised outside of them, so anything that gets torn or broken cannot be fixed outside of the gap, at least for biological beings. If you break a leg in the gap - be it the leg of a being conscious in the gap or a being outside the gap - the damage is not noticed when normal time progresses, so the leg would forever be broken unless the being with the broken leg was to go into a gap. In the gaps, anything that happens belongs only to them, so that leg that got broken in the gap would be recognisable only by the gap and therefore heal within it, although yes, healing does seem accelerated, its as if anything that might slow down the healing is non-existent, so things are able to heal much faster. Perhaps resource is infinite, like the energy needed to live or regenerate, since its clear that eating and sleeping doesn't need to occur, the same applies with breathing I believe.
Now if Clockwork and Twilight did the naughty, there are different possibilities-
1: The foal would either simply not grow, paused in time as it cannot age, like other beings, only growing when Twilight is in normal time.
2: The foal would grow at an accelerated rate (I don't want to think about the implications of birth and from then on, poor Twilight).
3: The foal would undergo a life as if in the normal timeline but only when in the gaps, possibly having inverse relations to time, so during real time the foal would not age nor need to eat or sleep, and possibly even heal super fast, but age normally when entering gaps. Possibly even being able to create its own gaps, since it's related to Clockwork.
I like the idea of #3, but #1 or #2 would probably be more likely.
I'd call it Stopwatch or something, heh.
4513997 I meant to type gap... my mind has been distracted.
4514002 I know what you meant to type, given the context of the rest of your comment it was obvious
4514010 What I get for programming a game and reading on this site in mostly the same time
I was wondering where this story went! It's back, and it's as good as it always was, poetic, descriptive, heartfelt, and astonishingly amazing. Good job! ^.^
Hmm.
Some of us do need scripts for meaningful communication, lest we be limited to cry, hug, or strike out at others. Yet the distinction remains, with true communication having the resonance of carefully composed poetry, beyond the gentling, insubstantial, but still reassuring connection the habit of courtesy provides.
4513649 it took just a moment for spike's paper cut to heal in the gap. Yes, damage caused in the gap heals extremely fast in the gap
4513997 spike noticed his paper cut. Therefore it is possible to notice damages to oneself inflicted during gaps when one is not in the gap.
4516116 Oh okay.
4516147 well yes, anyone with eyes can notice a cut that wont stop bleeding, the point was time itself couldn't recognise it. Ponies can recognise changes easily, otherwise twilight wouldn't notice clockwork disappearing from one place and popping up somewhere else when he went into gaps and moved.
4519580 ah. you didn't mention what was not doing the recognizing. ok then. I agree with you.
You always create a new and more beautiful chapter for this story. Thank you.
As much as I enjoy this story, it's a burdensome read.
This is partly due to the unending basic philosophical musings, partly due to the oversaturation of internal thought processes slowing the story to a crawl, partly due to the inverse of the previous point (events outside thought processes occur extremely quickly), and partly due to having read this story in the much longer, more refined form of Background Pony, by shortskirtsandexplosions. While the two stories have fundamental differences, they have a very similar atmosphere. Of the two, however, I feel that Background Pony holds more depth.
While all of the philosophizing in this story makes sense, it feels as though it is simply there for the point of philosophizing. The whirlwind romance doesn't exactly help, and Clockwork's character doesn't seem to fit as it should with his ability. One would think that, with his extensive self-education in the humanities and the sciences, and at the hands of time in his gaps, he'd be more understanding of his fellow beings, yet he is not.
No immediate fixes come to mind, unfortunately, aside from the removal of half this story's ellipses. That said, it would be nice if the author cut back on the philosophy and placed more effort on his characters' emotional development through action and events over time, as opposed to immediate changes due to all this philosophizing.
I suppose I'm asking for less flowery writing, and more substance with solid pacing.
It has taken us a full two years from the date that the first chapter was posted to read about an hour (I think) of real time (not including gaps) in the story. Just thought I would point it out. It would have been nice to see some sort of two year anniversary post or chapter or something. Keep up the good work though.
A beautiful story. So deep so true.
I congratulate you to your piece of art.
Bravo.
Dragon
5831554 Actually, all matter absorbs photons of varying wavelengths. And, if the photons were frozen in time... oh my, that raises an interesting question: would you be able to move through frozen air? Forget the fact that you'd need an air supply still moving in your time, but would you be able to move all the atoms around you?
People assume that someone could move objects frozen in time, but this would only be the case if the object gained quantum motion from contact with the person moving in his own local time. Then one must determine how far from the person the effect continues... does it stop after a few centimeters? Millimeters? Down to angstroms?
Erf, now this hypothetical scenario is going to bother me for days until my brain just gives up and decides it's time to get plastered on fine wine.
So is this dead?
This story now exists within a gap. Forever existing, never changing.