• Member Since 7th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 5th, 2016

TrebleClef91


T

Twilight's mental health is at an end, feeling all alone in the world is getting on her nerves and she wants to ease the pain at any cost.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 23 )

typo at the end you type wil, instead of will

Hey man, this was really interesting, I liked the idea. But there were some problems with it. Contact me, i can help you (btw im not kidding, i can help you make this better, get back to me when you or want to get some help). :twilightsmile:

Where did you get that magnificently depressing picture, my league of evil must utilize it as a weapon.

1001884 On a Top Secret page called "Google" :rainbowwild:

Never send the letter "right away". Tell them to send it the next morning.
Amateur mistake.

1001813 Woops! I'll correct that in a few seconds.

1001920 But what would I search for? If searching sad Twilight actually gives me it, I shall shit not only my pants, but the rest of the league of evils pants.

EDIT: Fucking hell sad twilight sparkle actually worked

wow, i just legit almost cried, good job mate :twilightsmile:

1001939 Em... That's what I do I typed "Twilight" and "Sad" as key words and then the picture came itself.

1001958 Now I need for my fics sequel (as always, I'm so sorry) picture. Hopefully "siloutte human with OC stallion facing camera with explosion behind them" works. :pinkiehappy:

God i love your stories........ but god damn they are so damn sad i swear like i cried a little on this one :fluttercry:

Im just glad this one ended up nicely :pinkiesad2:

1002037 Yeah, I'm actually depressing myself. So, I'm writing a comedy fic now :scootangel:

A good story, being Bi-Polar myself I know all to well what it's like to be in a deep depression. You conveyed some pretty deep emotions, although your story suffered from some pacing issues, flow, and sentence structure.

First off you should elaborate more on the back story, what happened to the rest of the Mane 6? Did they die, if so how? The story would have been more touching and emotional had you explained this, or even had the reader see it happen themselves.

Also your sentences are a bit choppy and broken, try describing things more in depth and invest in some better adjectives. Try changing this: said Celestia wiping away the tears on Twilight's face,

To something like this: Celestia whispered in a soft, motherly like tone as she wiped away a few stray tears from her students panic ridden face. Her eyes were red and swollen, but beneath the suffering and pain she could see a glimmer of happiness, and perhaps hope.

There's quite a few spelling/ grammar mistakes that somewhat distract from the story. Try getting an editor or re-read your work a few more times.

Now don't get me wrong, this was a great read. I just think you can improve it by getting rid of the silly mistakes, and trying to better your sentence structure and writing. :twilightsmile:

1002175 I'm actually trying to improve in sentence structure and describing things. English is not my mother tounge so I'm having some difficulties on those things.

Now, about the back up story, I've never think about that so I'll remember it for future stories.

Thanks alot for the advices, I'll have them in mind in the future.

1002199

Ah no problem, It's always a pleasure to help an aspiring writer. :ajsmug:

This story have a background story that isn't explained. You should write it. I hope their not all dead in only a few years, that would sound really strange... For example, how can Fluttershy die? Surely not for an animal fault. What about Rarity? I mean, this needs a background story, but since this one isn't in a very far future, you should write something else than death. It's just an opinion, it would sound too strange for me too see five ponies die after some years for some reason...

Uhm... actually, this is why i follow people: Some of the stories that people writes have a background that isn't explained, and it will be explained after a while.
Keep it up! :twilightsmile:

(Then i discovered that this story is placed 59 years after the last events... As always, i'm a genius... Duh...)

I liked it a lot. I'm sure others have stated that some of the sentences don't make sense or repeat information, but I see that English is not your first/main language. However, one thing I noticed is that it's a bit difficult to follow who's doing what. Try starting new paragraphs for each time a new character does or says something.

Overall it was a good read.

Ok I finally got round to reading this. Its an all right idea, but executed extremely poorly. The writing felt extremely rushed. The story was done stupidly, the only way to do this story well, is make 95% of it flashbacks, and minimum 10K words, recomend at least 20-25K words. The ending was horribly done, absolutely horribly done.

And btw, no writing should ever be rushed, EVER, for anything. If you can't write without rushing it, then don't write it.

1013060 About the writing, yes, it is really rushed. I have no time for making long stories that's why most of my stories are about 1.2K - 1.9K, (2K words maximum). I never thought about using flashbacks, I wrote it as it came to my mind. And the ending, yes, I fucked the ending.

And I rather prefer to write a rushed story to at least entertain few readers for a while than not writing anything at all.

Thanks for the critics anyway. I appreciate them.

1013370 Is it possible to simply write a good story over multiple sessions? A story nor chapter needs to be written in one session. You could write a decent story of a long time. And 10K is a average story now these days, 1K words is a large comment. And you never thought to use flashbacks? You need something to contrast the sad parts that isn't anything near the ending, or people don't care. You can't successfully send emotion without sending the opposite emotion.
This goes with every story, game, movie or show ever. However comedy is the only genre that is resistant to this, but it still degrades the quality without something depressing/enraging happening. That is why that parody series that is <insert word> movie (eg. Scary movie, Date movie etc) is not very good because they are all comedy, they don't have a counterbalance.

Imagine a see saw that is seriously breaking safety laws. If you want to get as high as possible, you need a fat guy (what your story is going for) on the other side, but on this particular see saw, the thing becomes so steep you with fall off if you don't have some decent weight of your own. (The opposite of what your story is going for)

Every story that is good does this. Eg. Many scenes in Background Pony, the end of the Fluttershy chapters in The End of Ponies, Amnesia the Dark Descent (because fuck pretext) and its pleasant room hubs.

1013715 Okay, I get your point. I'll consider those points in future stories.
Thanks for the feedback.

1013851 I also think this story could of been really good. Maybe of shown us what happened to her friends (that killed/made them leave) actually have multiple stories that way, sorta like End of Ponies does. I suggested Flashbacks as they aren't all that difficult to do are pretty obvious.

I find it weird no one mentions the grammar problems riddled through the story. They're pretty bad.

Princess Celestia was overflying Ponyville fearing she was already late. She flew to the highest point and an idea strucked her mind.

Celestia's anger was puted aside when she saw Twilight's emotional state.

"Twilight, just what makes you think this was a propper way to solve thing?", asked Celestia

41.media.tumblr.com/ac462adcd4b0a1b11868fa8fd1b284db/tumblr_n2wh80Y5Zq1tvyywho3_1280.jpg

Login or register to comment