This is solid raw material - especially for a first attempt - but you'd do well to get a proofreader to look over future submissions.  Most of the mistakes are minor and common (not capitalizing proper nouns, incorrect homophones, improper contractions, mistakes with pluralization).  This is the same stuff that trips up native English speakers.  Your story is a good start it just needs a bit of polishing.

Pretty nice story, but... English isn't my native either, but I see some errors which I would fix with ease.

>>5896058960

These errors.

Speaking of errors... Myself I think that my worst side is... English grammar. I can handle spelling pretty well, but grammar is well... bad.

Altair is correct. Your grammar needs a little help, but the story you're telling is sound.

Rarity & Fluttershy are just perfect for one another, romances about them are my very favourite! (At least until somepony writes one about Rarity & Celestia...)

I just wanted to thank everyone that took the time to read and comment on the first chapter.

The examples that you gave me are mistakes that i facepalm at myself for.

Anyway i hope you enjoyed it.

this was pretty interesting, tracked

>>5904659046 you meen facehoof? loved the story, good stuff in there cant wait for more!!!

Nice concept, but you really need to work on your spelling and grammar, as others have mentioned.

As mentioned in the author's note i have rewritten the chapter with some help from a friend.

I do hope that people who have read it before the changes consider re-reading it.

It's far from perfect but it's alot better.

*Golden Brohoof*

>>5913859138 Wow Thank you so much.

>>5898458984

I skipped a comma, as well.  The karma I get for trying to critique via cell phone  

There you go chapter 2.

After writing the first chapter I felt like I got a bit off character with some of the mane six so

I tried to improve that in this one. I hope you like it.

I'm pretty sure im going to have to add a dark tag to this one eventually.

Please dont hate me for hurting Pinkie

>>5920359203

Fluttershy is (still) not capitalized, like if it's common like a river. It should be capitalized, since it's name (eg. Vistula).

>>5920359203

First line, more exactly.

fluttershy's bedroom.

>>5920359203

And some other stuff. Eg. rainbows house.

You meant RD?

Then it should be Rainbow's house.

I'll guess English isn't your native?

Ah yes, Thank you so much for pointing those out.

And no, english is not my native language.

You would not believe how much time I spend double-checking every

nuon for a capital but I still miss a bunch of them.

>>6033060330

>is not

It's not mine, either (it's second language, ie. first not-native).

/brohoof anyway

The next day.

SISTERHOOVES SOCIAL AGAIN? "You gon' eat that?"

omfg.

Chapter 2 has now officially been revised.

I don't know why I keep posting these before double-checking everything.

I'll blame it on my lack of patience.

Much better now! Still some errors, but I see a definite improvement.

There you go Chapter 3.

I am really happy with how this chapter eventually turned out.

I had some doubts while writing it but when I re-read it afterwards I was satisfied.

Writing these chapters is turning out to be even more fun than reading them.

I hope you enjoy it.

I absolutely demand that you unleash more chapters in a completely unreasonably short amount of time.

Not really. Take your time with these but know that it's indeed very satisfying and fun with very little mistakes.

>>6171561715

Thank you so much! I was looking for some motivation.

Awww!! This is such a good story! You have really good ideas but i think there are a few little bits in there that could do with a touch up. Like when Fluttershy arrives at the library and there is no mention of anyone apart from Sweetie, Rarity and Twilight; yet in the next few lines Applejack and Rainbow just seem to have either arrived or appeared. Few spelling and grammar issues but you did say English isnt your first language. So apart from those few things this was another great chapter! Keep it up!

Scratch that bit with AJ and Rainbow. Confound these pony fics! They drive me to sleep deprivation...

fucking d'awwww

There you go chapter 4.

YAY RARISHY!

That is all.

I hope you enjoy it.

I couldn't have enjoyed it more! Such a touching story to help lift the mood.

Especially as I sit here ill.

Finally! Onto RariShy! Dont make it too cloppy now...

You just keep getting better and better at this! Keep up the great work. <^^>

i could only think of one word to describe this chapter:

d'awwwwwwww

>>6340763407

That was my main concern while writing the last scene.

But I felt it was necessary to carry the weight of the moment.

>>6325563255

Glad I could help.

I hope you will be better soon.

>>6355163551

You are most kind, thank you.

>>6349863498

Good to hear.

I have been spending alot of time practicing my english

and creative writing. Thank you.

P.S: I am suffering from a massive writer's block at the moment.

So I can't promise the next chapter will be released tommorow. (Please don't hate me. )

Of course I will try my best.

P.P.S: How the hell do you get rid of writer's block!?

>>6361263612

The only way I know of getting past writer's block is to think of where you want the story to go and force yourself to slowly get there.

"I have been taking care of her ever since.." Rarity managed to whisper in between her snickering.

That last word, 'snickering', is an unfortunate choice. it means a suppressed laugh and is usually used when somepony is being mean. Sort of took me out of the 'OMG sad' scene.

No judgement, just FYI

I'm thrilled to see how much cleaner your writing has become.  It's always a shame when your readers lose the story to a simple typo - and this is a wonderful story!  

I noticed a major improvement on the grammar and spelling this time around. Keep up the good work.

Great chapter as always!

and oh, yes: D'awwww.

>>6400964009

Damn the language barrier!

Thanks for pointing that out.

There you go chapter 5.

I apologize that it's a bit shorter then the others.

This chapter was inspired by the song Evergreen - David Mikhail

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fBHUfD4pgk&feature=channel_video_title

I encourage you to check out his music.

I hope you enjoy it.

I. LOVE. THIS. STORY!!! You definitely have a gift despite not having the very best English language skills i honestly cant tell! Cant wait for moar!

I remember the first time I brought my wife flowers.  It was at the clinic where she worked.  She told me the other ladies all scolded their husbands after that - none of them had ever done that!

Small gripe: plural of "pony" is "ponies."  Apostrophes are only used to pluarlize acronyms. Like "CD's."

>>6520465204

How did I not notice that

Well im off to read every chapter and change the pony's into ponies.

And thanks, that made me smile.

i d'awwwed

but when will Sweetie Belle hear of this?

>>6539265392

I honestly don't know yet

I usually just write what ever comes to mind.

Don't worry though, I'll try to steer it into that direction.

So much dawwwww <333

There you go chapter 6.

Not much to say besides

I hope you enjoy it.

Been following this story intensely, i love it!

The story and reactions are pretty believable and comes togther in a brilliant way.

Also loving that WOW reference

I WILL SHOW YOU THE JUSTICE OF THE GRAVE AND THE TRUE MEANING OF FEAR!

Hnnnnnnnngg! Heart attack and diabetes inbound

Due to personal matters there will be no new chapter tommorow

I'll need to figure out where I want all of this to go.

There will most likely be a new chapter on friday.

*Brohoof*

i d'awwwwwed

>>6683166831

I just wanted to thank you for your kind comment and support.

You were the first person to fav my story back in the begining.

And yay someone got the reference!

There you go, Chapter 6.

I hope you enjoy it.

THAT...WAS.ADOOOOOORRRAAABBBBLEEE!!!!!!!! DAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

GRRR I mean chapter 7.

Damn this lack of attention!

Yay!

i d'awwed

There you go chapter 8.

Unexpected plot twist!

Didn't see that one coming did you now!

I hope you enjoy it.

shit just got real

So cool

NOOOO! WE DONT WANT SWEETAMINA!!!

>>7468874688

Do not worry my dear brony,

This is not a gore-fic.

I wanted to give this story a more serious side

rather than random shipping.

I don't want to give too much away but..

From now on this is a.. Sad Romance Adventure shipping story thingy!

Oh and I may or may not be introducing an extra pairing in the coming chapters.

But expect much awesomeness in the coming chapters.

Oh no! The Old Gods have invaded Equestria!

Quick Fluttershy and Rarity, you must seek the aid of the dragon aspects to remove this foul corruption from poor Sweetie Bell's mind.

Don't go to Northmarerend, Fillymourne will corrupt you!

I am done.

Enjoyable little bit of story though, I was laughing at the reference.

>>7534675346

Hahah This is as far as I wiill go

with that I always thought yogg-saron

was a very interesting character.

Laughter was not the reaction I was going for though.

We will finally learn how magnets work?

Sweetie as the next lich king.

Old god in everfree? Just another reason for burning it all down.

>>7556275562

To that I agree. They're quite interesting characters. If not a bit... Creepy. Their intentions have interested me as well.

Why if I didn't know better they could be compared to disharmony and Discord.

But of course of course. It was just amusing to me that such a reference would be made here. Definitely the very last place I would've thought to find them. All in all it's quite dark, and as you said... Adventure and seriousness!

>>7572375723

Burn in righteous fire?

There you go chapter 9.

I hope you enjoy it.

made me shed a manly tear

I would've cried.

But I am too strong to cry.

*sniff sniff* no im not crying! there is something in my eye! I swear!

I did it! Take that writer's block!

I apolagize for the fact that this one is a bit late

Christmas will do that to you.

I hope you enjoy this one. I know I did

Whatever happens, nopony is gonna die! Pleasee!

liking this so far, and lol'd at hints of LunaDash

I just re-read the updated 1st chapter after finishing this one.  I have to admit to some smiling: I was right!  You showed awesome potential before, and this story proves you can put out top-quality material!  This is highly engaging and entertaining; your transitions flow very nicely. I feel so much anticipation for the next chapter!  (and it's not even a cliff-hanger - just a well-written "scene change.")

Yay!

Come at me bro!

>>9149691496

Wow, that means so much to me!

Thank you so much. To be honest, thanks to everyone who takes the time to comment.

And I'm anticipating the next chapter too. Who knows where my mind will take this!

I ussualy just start writing with absolutely no plans at all. I just go with it.

DERP

I accidentally republished this chapter

Sorry for the inconvenience everypony

>>9268492684 I was wondering why it said I'd read every chapter despite there being an update... now worries bro

There you go, chapter 11

I hope you enjoy it.

Liking it thus far, the awkwardness is adorkable haha

Always happy when one of these chapters appear in my track list.

love it

LunaDash, too?

HUZZAH! THE NUMBER OF RARE SHIPPING COUPLES IN THIS STORY HAS DOUBLED!

lol. wingboner...

I was surprised with a 2nd shipping in this story. The cover thought was Rarity x Fluttershy, but this one really caught me off guard with Luna x Dash.

Can't wait for the next chapter. Let the Adventure begin!

Luna and Rainbow?

Woot awesome never seen Luna and dash together before!

"Hey! You should be happy for your friend! It's not like she's doing it -intensionally-.." -intentionally-

"No matter for how long they -runned- they didn't seem to get tired at all." -ran-

General thoughts: I like where it's going, and where it's gone so far. No idea how you could make it better or why exactly I like it, as I suck at those kinds of things, but I suppose general encouragement would be better than nothing at all, right?

Other than a few grammatical errors your doing really well.

OK! Here we go!

>>9306893068

I'm glad you think so. Your story seems very interesting

as well. I'll be sure to read it when I get some time.

>>9312893128

Glad to hear that, I've gotten alot more trackers than I expected

when I first started.

>>9315793157

>>9370193701

>>9366493664

Indeed, I was surprised that I didn't see any LunaDash on this

site already. It seems to make alot of sense to me.

I want to take this time to rage at the lack of Luna emoticons on here!

>>9412594125

Ah thanks for pointing those out.

>>9413194131

I have been working on my grammar alot lately.

>>9353393533

My clever ruse worked!

To be honest: I didn't want to have to change the original cover/note.

>>9338493384

indeed!

>>9449894498 Thanks! I'm hoping to be able to put up the next chapter soon, my internet died this morning and I can't keep using my phone to generate a signal haha

Ok, here it is. Chapter 12

I wonder if i overstepped my boundries with this one.

I hope you enjoy it.

RainbowLuna  anyone?

aww, they're still so adorkable haha

>>9500895008 Boundaries? This is the world of fiction! Where Pinkie can break fourth walls and Lyra can be a human all day long! Also it was a really good chapter! Few spelling errors but that can be forgiven! Also I bucking love your vocabulary! I don't speak any other languages yet you write so much better than I do! Keep it up

This chapter made me

>>9576595765

Thanks! It's always nice when someone likes your story for the actual writing instead of the general idea. It makes me feel better about my work. I'm really glad I made the decision to just pick this pen up and give it a try.

this made me feel something i haven't felt in along time: sadness. thank you so much. this is in my opion the best story ever made around mlp. just thanks for macking me feel sad again.

>>9686196861

Wow.. That means alot to me.. I really try my best to put the emotions in my head into the story in the hope of making my readers feel what I am trying to tell them. I'm glad it meant something to you.

This one is a bit shorter but I can explain!

This chapter serves as an introduction to the coming chapter.

Wich will be quite long and will take me a couple of days to

write.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.

Love it! Could we possibly be about to delve into the minds of the mane 6?? What would Pinkie even be afraid of? Never mind, great chapter! Keep writing, you cant leave us in this suspense!