57w, 16hA mythology lesson11 comments · 474 views
DO YOU GUYS GET IT? OVERCOMING! BECAUSE IT CONTAINS THE WORD COME AND—Oh, nevermind.
So I write a story and that means I get to write a blog post, right? That's what that means? Good. I suppose I should talk about Overcoming Rainbow Dash, but that conversation really has to take the shape of two other, equally related conversations mashed into one. They are, of course, anime porn and Egyptian mythology.
I fucking hate Egyptian mythology. The language generally doesn't translate well, the pantheon is a circus, and so many of our fragments are fucking spells. Fucking spells, goddamnit. They read like cookbooks that have been put through the gauntlet of Google translate and also happen to be total bullshit. Oh and also the period stretches way too long and the different ages get super confusing etc etc.
Anyway, my favorite Egyptian myth is—you guessed it—The Contendings of Horus and Seth. For those of you who need a rough brush-up, it's the one where Horus and Seth compete for the right to succeed Osiris as king. Horus is the main guy whom the audience is supposed to root for and Seth is the baddie.
[Sort of. I will not go so far as to say "Seth is the devil-god of Egypt!" because that is absolutely fucking retarded and certain famous Egyptologists who will not be named should never have said that clearly fucking retarded thing, fuck.]
Anyway, they have a semen fight. That's right—a semen fight.
So one night Horus lies down and Seth jerks himself off until he's got a raging hardon then thigh-fucks Horus and jizzes all over him. Horus goes to Isis and is like "Mom, look, Seth jizzed all over my hands!"
Isis chops his hands off, oils up his shaft, then jerks him off into a kettle. She goes to Seth's gardener and asks what veggies Seth prefers and finds out that it's lettuce.
[This is fortuitous, because back in the day lettuce was not like it is today. The leaves, when broken, would leak a milky white fluid similar to what kids call milkweed.]
So Isis put her son's cum all over the lettuce and Seth eats the lettuce and he becomes "pregnant". And then Seth is like "Hey Horus lets go get judged by the other gods." And Horus is presumably like, "I have no hands but sure."
Whilst at the tribunal in the presence of the Great Ennead, Seth is all "I totally fucked Horus yo," and everyone else is like "Horus man what the fuck that's gross." But Horus's hands were chopped off so when Thoth calls to Seth's jizz it's way off in the fucking marsh where Isis put it. But when he calls to Horus's semen it's in Seth, and the semen says, "I'm in Seth, how do you want me to come out?"
Thoth goes, "I don't know man just come out his ear."
And the semen says, "Really? I mean I'm divine seed and everything, but whatever, I guess that doesn't—"
"Fine whatever come out the top of his head." The semen does and Thoth used it for a new crown.
This is a dramatic reversal. The Ennead collectively looks at Horus and asks, "No homo?"
Horus nods and lights up a joint. "No homo."
And so Horus wins. This story is 91% true.
What else? Right, I watched a bunch of anime porn, and I can honestly say:
What the fuck? At one point character A is molesting the girl who showed up to the mall on the back of a manticore with her twenty robot hands, and the next minute she's being molested in turn by the invisible woman who showed up with a mind control gun. Their tits are the size of DK-mode heads and when you stimulate their nipples enough, they forcefully lactate.
And I just, I know it's anime porn and it's supposed to be crazy, but I wasn't prepared for this. The last anime I watched was Inuyasha on YTV, and you can be damned fucking sure it didn't contain any weaponized lactation.
So what I've come to love about anime porn is that it's fucking insane. The budgets are low and the translations are bad, the writers just don't seem to give any fucks whatsoever. Anime porn is its own bad fanfiction, and this makes it fun as hell. Fuck tissues and Vaseline, gentlemen, I'll watch that shit with popcorn and laugh my ass off the whole time.
But the one thing I found to truly shine in the grand expanse of san-on-san action were the gangbangs. Truly, hentai likes nothing more than turning a girl into an all-ends dick receptacle. I saw one where a girl went to school and got gangbanged on the trainride there, then got gangbanged in the locker, then went home and reflected on how she'd been gangbanged while the audience was treated to the exact same footage from earlier, just under a layer of flashback fog. There was another where a guy became a girl and got addicted to gangbangs, then pregnant, then pregnantly gangbanged.
And it just seemed insane to me that the entire viewership is expected to come in with this incredibly high amount of buy-in; that is that we're all expected to watch some skinny, sixteen year old pale girl (Why are they all white? Why?) take so much burly man-dick and not fucking die.
And above all else was the semen. Does everyone secretly wish that they could produce a half gallon of jizz that will violently spray out the edges of her apparently adamantine asshole as they lubelessly destroy her? My favorite is the stock shot where all 4/6/11 guys pull out and we are treated to a pan over her limp and helpless body as they cum in a synchronized chain, starting from the bottom and ending with the top.
And then they all just keep fucking the shit out of her. Two, three, four male orgasms in a row? Whatever, man, we're cartoons and we'll use our Herculine jizz-geyser penises to fight fires if we really need to. Not to mention the girls are so good at giving blind handjobs that they'll come three times in five minutes.
Now I understand that porn is unrealistic—and I like porn unrealistic. If I wanted realistic porn, I'd invest in a pair of binoculars or go have sex myself (Aha, ahaha.)
I mean we all know that the truth is semen is actually kind of gross. It tastes bad (usually), it feels bad (also varies), and if you get it in your eye, you're gonna have a bad time. Yet time and time again I see a girl moaning in 'ecstasy' as a man jerks off onto her breasts.
So I said fuck it, the market exists and so I'm going to write my own super crazy semen gangbang porn, and it's going to be exactly as ridiculous as I want it to be. After all, this is fucking fanfiction, and if I can write a story where Pikachu has a threesome with two Dittos I can write anything I fucking-well-please. I can have Twilight Sparkle grow a second head and blow genderswapped Luna and Celestia while they're all on stilts. I can have Pinkie Pie tentacle-fuck the teapot from Beauty and the Beast. I can make Rarity's vulva act as a supermagnet and—
Shit, I gotta write these down.
105w, 6dI brought you all some free porn!20 comments · 979 views
You want some free porn? You want some free porn. Everybody take a look under your seats to find... Freeeeeeee! Pooooo-oorn!
You get free porn, you get free porn, and you get free porn!
Did the sex work out? Fuck if I know. It sets up a couple things that'll be dealt with in the next couple chapters, which is where the first inkling of a real story should start to shine through. It's rather short on comedy, but given that I never set out to make people laugh with my porn, I'm not worried.
Seriously. Comedy porn. Is that even a real thing? Like, the cable guy comes inside as the girl gets out of the shower and we're treated to a laugh track as his inner monologue goes on about how god damnit, I didn't take three years of college just to fuck women all day, why can't I fix a fucking TV for once? If I wanted to do this for a living, I'd have become the Dark Apprentice.
26 comments · 272 views
Just re-read that title to better acquaint you with the mental image I'm going for. I'll wait.
There. Confused? So am I. Presumably, so are a lot of people who read my stories just to see what it's like even though they don't, you know, clop, but then as things heat up they start to get these feeling that they just can't ignore forever...
But I digress. We'll do a blog on the Moment of Surrender some other time, because it is my god and master. Today, however, we're going to delve into something that none of you give that much of a damn about: me. And that's not self-deprecation, it's just realism: you know nothing about me.
So I've got like three one shots in the works, all stalled on the same spot. And I'm really laying into The Dark Apprentice chapter six, but I stall on that one too. And I'm wondering: what am I doing wrong here? Why can't I just write the god damn story? Believe me, I want to release that chapter. You would too if every time you did you got to OD on comments about how you leave people in bouts of laughter/post coital bliss. And thumbs up, and favorites, and all that shit. And while I do get negative feedback too, I just ignore that, because A) I tend to ignore/burn down things I don't like, and B) most negative comments on this website are about as constructive as a forest fire with AIDS. The truth is, I have a problem.
I can't write sex scenes.
I'm not saying my sex scenes are bad—Really, clop generally is and I don't think I'm an exception. It's just that when I sit down to get the creative juices flowing, nothing comes. (Juices. Comes. Damn I'm good at this.)
"But Come!" you say, because I'd prefer it if you call me that, "you've written sex scenes before!"
To which I would reply: "Please don't interrupt me while I'm blogging. It's incredibly rude. You blind fuckwit."
But you do have a point, so I won't set you on fire or ignore you. You want to know how I got through the previous sex scenes? Well, they all had this great subtext, so I could fellate my own ego while I wrote them. I'd be all, "Awe yeah you treat sex like a competition Rainbow Dash, you need Twilight to validate you." "Fucking right you want her to scream your whole name Twilight Sparkle, because that's what Celestia calls you, isn't it?" For TDA it was pretty much "Rituals are hella fuckin' balls to the wall awesome."
So The Dark Apprentice chapter six has this scene where two ponies have sex. Namely, Twilight and Pinkie Pie (Spoiler alert). But the point is that Pinkie has sex for fun with no stigma attached, which puts me on this subtext hunt...
I wonder how other authors do this. From some of the lemon fics I've read, there's a little one handed typing going on, but I very much doubt arousal is the primary factor in getting these bitches rolling.
Anyway, expect TDA 6 tomorrow, and when it fails to arrive you'll be dissapointed and I'll feed on your tears. I should close this with blog with some porn stuff.
What is it with porn websites and not tagging the fucking analingus? When did this become mainstream? There I am with my glasses pushed down on my nose and my notepad poised, hair done up, watching some deese porno, and I'm like "Awe yeah, this is deese," when suddenly actor A starts eating actor B's asshole. Am I the only person who finds this a little unsanitary and off-putting? Please, let me know what I'm getting into.
Not that I visit those sites, or anything. Just something I heard one time.
113w, 52mWhere the Fuck is my porn, Come Hither?44 comments · 574 views
Oh, the title? Come now. We were all thinking it.
The Dark Apprentice was featured. Most of you know this; that's why you're here. There are some interesting things that come with that. First was the onslaught of authors who most definitely do not appreciate seeing male-fantasy centric, somewhat comedic, half-assedly written porn in their feature bar, and let me know just how they felt about that. Ironically, the reason I came back here was because a colleague of mine extolled the loving, accepting nature of the Brony community. I've since been called immature. Stupid. Disgusting. A bad writer. A bad person.
And I know, it's several loud, obnoxious individuals crying out above a sea of approval. But like a centipede wriggling around in my french fries, it's not something I can just ignore. I learned something that day, and that's that I cannot take negative feedback at all. I was almost glad when the changes to the feature bar pushed me off a week early.
Which brings us to the second thing: readers. Holy shit, but so many readers. I'm tits deep in favorites over here, you guys. I can't swing a cat without hitting a new soldier for the Army of Love.
The day The Dark Apprentice was featured, I found out when the aforementioned colleague told me in the break room. He—who is a far more popular and well known author than I, much to my chagrin—then proceeded to sing Playing With The Big Boys from the film Prince of Egypt (By the power of TAW!) It was funny for about twenty seconds, but the other two and a half minutes of song killed the joke like it was a Family Guy gag.
And then he's like "You'd better update soon."
And I'm like "The last thing I want to do is write." (Remember that at this point in time I was disgusting, stupid, etc.)
And he's like "I'm warning you, Come Hither, (I'm taking a bit of poetic license here) those readers will—"
Drive thru beeped, and I never got to find out just what those readers would do. Except that that's not true, because now I know, and it's ask me for an update. Then, after that, ask me again.
And I don't want to sound bitchy. Oh, it's so hard being a moderately successful pony smut author. My life is ruined. Why won't you all just leave me alone. This is great.
The first time I got asked for an update, I was like "Awe, they want more! They really care!" The second time I was all: "I'd better get to it!" The twentieth time? "I'm trying! God, can't you all see what you're doing to me!"
And then I ripped my face off. Seriously. That face didn't even stand a fucking chance.
I've been silent through this whole ordeal, because I think I ought to avoid blogging when I have no stories to show for it. You've all made it abundantly clear what you want, though, so I'll make it abundantly clear what I have:
I've started writing on a regular basis again recently, and with summer ending I'm a full time opener at work. I'll now have way more words to show for the days that go by. Currently chapter four of TDA is half done. I also have a blowjob scene written for a CandanceXTwilight story, the first couple thousand words of a YouXTwilight story, as well as a TwilightXTwilight speedfic that I'd like to convert into a whole story.
You guys think I write too much Twilight? She's not even my favorite pony.
So I'll get something out there soon. I don't want to just release what I have because it's not finished. It'd be like opening up a porntube video, right, and the male model has got the girl on the couch and he's been screwing the shit out of her, and she's like "Oh god fuck me!" You know, because porn dialogue is shitty but you don't notice it when you're aroused—anyway, he pulls out and she flips over and he's like, brandishing his dick because he's about to shoot it all over her face, and she tosses her hair away and you're like "Yeah, paint that bitch!" and then—
BUFFERING. BUFFERING. BUFFERING.
117w, 6dHandling My Shit14 comments · 166 views
I've decided to begin writing pony fan fiction exclusively from now on. The fans, the infrastructure, and my own interests* have made that obvious choice. I've also decided that rather than be an annoying bitch who blogs after leaving for two months, I'd wait until I had a story ready to say so.
So I present to you The Dark Apprentice, which is going through the approval process as we speak. This is not the simple meet and screw that most of my fuckfics are, but is rather the longass, porn-with-plot ordeal that many have requested in the comments on my other stories. This won't be the only thing I write, though—I already have a couple ideas floating around in this mess of piss-poor wiring that I'm supposed to call my brain. After that, maybe I'll take requests. Who fucking knows.
So, yeah, you guys are great and I brought you free porn. I wish my friends did that for me.
*My interests are porn. Ridiculous amounts of porn that society at large finds disgusting. Just clarifying.