Fancy Pants recounts how he met his wife
I give as I take. All forms of criticism are welcome and sought after.
Very nice, and a perfect legth for the story. You've given excellent detail to everything without stringing it out further than it should. Just a couple things:
''heading back into the living room as he draped the towel on the mare who's wetness had already bled through the white couch. Chuckling at her unconscious display''. Maybe this is just my warped mind, but does that come across as a little cloppy? 'her wetness...unconscious display''. Sounds almost like she's getting turned on. Maybe just take out the unconscious display part, because that sentence implies to me that the wetness is something she is doing herself, rather than the rain which she couldn't help. A display is generally something performed by an individual, not an effect on them from their environment.
"My troubles have plagued me far too long for there to be any type of silver lining monsieur.". Maybe replace 'any type of' with 'a'. Just sounds more streamlined to me. And perhaps a comma after 'lining' wouldn't go amiss.
As he fetched his keys and walked inside. He whipped his hooves mindfully on the doormat.. Is the full stop dividing those sentences meant to be a comma?
Making the mare nearly jump in he seat.. *her
The mare's blus had stained her cheeks the color of roses.. *blush
Well, that concludes the nitpicky mistakes I can see. This is a heartwarmingly sad fic, and many many props to you for making a relatively simple storyline engrossing and emotional. Well done
Not a criticism, but a question: Do ponies have snouts or muzzles? I've been wondering about this for ages. I prefer muzzle (it just sounds cuter).
The opening could use a few more descritpive adjectives to set the mood for the night time cityscape.
"The mysterious mare is silent, the shock of the cold water causing her to pass out"
"causing her to have passed out" might sound better?
The daughter finds out her father's first meeting with her mother was during her mother's attempted suicide, but this doesn't seem to surprise or bother her? It just seems odd if that's the first time she's heard about it.
Section after second interlude is a bit wall-o-texy.
"godlike glow" Goddesslike glow? Actually, I'm not even sure if that's a word >.<
"Oh give it up pops."
Switch from papa to dad to pops? In my experience, most girls don't use 'pops' (it's more a son's term). And tend to stick to one style. Either informal or formal. (could just be a difference of culture though).
"Wow now! Settle down! Your old man's not as spry as he once was! Ack! Be careful child! My bones are brittle!"
Maybe use Woah instead of Wow? More pony themed!
My silly nitpicking aside, I thought it was a wonderful, and very touching story. It was perfectly bittersweet in tone and style.
1. "She turns back to the river. The icy black water stirring restlessly below"
I would either connect these two sentences with a semicolon or change the latter one. Example: The black, Icy water stirs restlessly below."
2. "Hmmm, and I would always bounce you on my lap? I remember that yes. Papa! Papa! You would always come running down the hallway, always eager to hear how I met your mother."
"I remember that yes." Not sure where that "Yes" came from, but it sticks out. Mix it into the sentence better with a comma, or put it at the beginning. "Yes, I remember that."
Might want to put "Papa! Papa!" in italics to clarify that he's quoting somebody. That's just aesthetic opinion, however.
3. "Oh? You remembered it? You were very young when we moved out you know. Barely more than a newborn foal, taking your first steps on those beautifully long legs of yours. You reminded me so much of your mother then. With those big, soft pink eyes of hers. Just like yours!
More aesthetics. You use the word "Yours" twice in this paragraph. Change it to "On those beautiful long legs". The reader already figures that we're talking about her legs. The last two sentences should be replaced with something like... "You've got her eyes, you know. Soft and pink, just as I remember them.
4. There were a few more things that I wanted to say, but I'm quite late for a very important date.
For now, I want to talk about the daughter: Her father thinks that this will be their final farewell. I think her reaction should be a bit more profound, emotionally and physically.
Just my two cents.
*chuckles* What did you do to get all these people to give suggestions?
The single thing I noticed was the stray / after the third break where a . should be.
I'm only here to read for fun. I enjoyed this.
You amazing bastard.
One spouse dies; the surviving spouse shortly follows. This is common enough among humans to be cliché; it's interesting to see it in a pony story.
And given the vast number of high-society jerks who seem to inhabit Canterlot on a regular basis, I'm happy to see Fancy Pants getting some attention, since he seemed to go out of his way to avoid being a jerk. I can see him singing "Le Moribond" (the Jacques Brel song that was tortured into an English ditty called "Seasons in the Sun"). He'd have just the right balance of bravado and boredom.
I wish it was just a tad longer. Like all good things it's sad to see it end.
WOW!! It's not often we get a story that includes these two so it's great when a magnificent one like this one comes along. Bravo!
As he fetched his keys and walked inside, whipping his hooves mindfully on the doormat.
He whipped his hooves? Were they being bad again? I think you mean wiped. xD
This was the place he could retreat too and step back from the world.
I believe you mean to, not too.
Passing corridor after corridor he finally came to a modest sized closet, letting out an "aha!" Of joy as he used magic to levitate the stoker and three firewood logs before going into the adjacent bathroom and taking a towel from the rack, heading back into the living room as he draped the towel on the mare who's wetness had already bled through the white couch.
... GOOD GRIEF! Run-on sentence much? The 'Of' should not be capitalized, and who's should be whose, since you're not saying who is wetness...
Chuckling as she lay languidly, almost like a model posing for a painting/ Litting the logs as he ushered them to the fireplace.
... What? What the buck is a / doing there, and 'Lifting' being capitalized? (Even if the / should be a period or something, that would make the next part a fragment, not a complete sentence.)
"By the Celestia the way she played it."
... By THE Celestia? There's more than one?
He called out to her just as she finished playing. Making the mare nearly jump in her seat.
Should be a comma, not a period.
"I remember, she would always play that on a boring old sunday. Just to liven up the house."
He strode over to her. The mare's blush had stained her cheeks the color of rose.
"What is your name young miss?"
Sunday should be capitalized, and a comma between name and young.
I have seen the jewels of the world. And have journeyed to it's known ends.
Again, should be a comma, and it's should be its. (Unless you MEAN to say journeyed to it is known ends...)
"... And in time I ventured its roads once more. And adventure I will. Even if I have come to the road where all paths end. I will continue onwards. Because at the end, she will await me. With those brilliant eyes."
That just needs reworking period. Too much stop and go.
... Not bad... Wouldn't say great, but it wasn't bad, aside from the mistakes. I'd give you a 3.5/5, maybe. Good luck on your future stories!
(Sorry if I seemed mean/judgmental in my corrections. I'm a pre-reader, so I tend to be short. Saves time. xD)
This probably deserves a more rational and thought out comment besides: "I liked this; you did a nice job".
I liked this; you did a nice job.
All love and respect to this couple, and all honor to those that deliver it.
Awww! That was so sweet.
Having the song embedded in the prose was a clever touch.
Sweet Bee-jesus. Did not see this coming. Guess you could say this story was a darling find.
I'll shut up now.
Wonderful job you did with those 2. What more could i say that hasen't been said already?
>>994629994629 I have no idea how to interpret this.
>>994644994644 Emotion. Because it's a sad fic. Also the d'aww involved.
DO I REALLY HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT.
I wish it was longer so I could cry.
That was heartwarming, and I loved the little French banner you inserted at the beginning of each recollection. I am honestly surprised this did not get as much attention as it should've, and even more so because you wrote this. I've seen your reviews, which by the way are not only helpful but hilarious, and I've never thought to see you write one. Bravo, my good sir, bravo. I commend you with a thumb, and a picture.