Twilight Sparkle has a lot of difficulty getting a good night's sleep. She has to keep it a secret from the ponies who care about her, because they might disown her. Worse, they might try to help...
WARNING: The first five or so chapters are, on reflection, properly grimdark. If this makes you run away like a puppy that just laid a brown egg on the new carpet, that's your prerogative entirely. Please don't tell me that I'm objectionable for having written it, though, because that's not very nice. Or accurate. At all.
The shiny new art is a commission by this lovely person, so do feel free to check her out for all your creepy-pony needs.
Chapters (5)
Word of advice, To a professional, A prologue shows incompetence and lack of skill because its an easy way for the writer to explain things without doing as much or any work at all.
I see to many stories ruin what would of made some great first chapter material that would of made me interested with prologues.
Other than that, i would say that this story is alright, Ill give it a track and see if it goes anywhere
Cheers
~iraqlobstah
58436
I beg to differ. A prologue can be artfully done and set the scene of a story or even be used to introduce the conflict.
Lactating Lesbian Lingerie ?
This terrifies me. I'm being absolutely serious. This scares me so much I won't be able to continue reading.
It reminds me too much of Stephen King... or, more correctly, one of his movies. The one about the famous author who ends up in a car accident and get's saved by a fan of his who lives nearby. Said fan is a psychotic bitch that is obsesed with one of his book series, and was disappointed with the latest release was the last one, and spent some time being tortured until he completed a new book for the series.
"Misery" is the name... and I'll never be able to get out what she did to his legs alone in that movie....
So with that, I salute you all, and hope you have a great time with this story.
With that, I jump ship. LATER!
58458 PS. If you want to reply to these messages, send them via Private Message. Once I leave, I'll refuse to return.
58458
lulz
58449
Thats what first chapters are for. ._.
Cheers
~iraqlobstah
Is this a Sequel to something? this is OK so far and im interested to see were this is going.
58482
A writer is free to structure his story however he likes. It makes no difference whether the first part is called Prologue or Chapter 1.
Arguing that one should call it chapter 1 because YOU think it looks better is a pointless cause.
O.o......why do I want more?
>> IraqLobstah
I'm glad you like my work, but it was never really intended as a prologue. It is, in fact, the opening chapter, just considerably shorter than the other one because I wrote it in about an hour. It's an explanation (albeit vague) of what the hell's happening to Twilight and how Spike is trying to help. If you do want something where the first chapter couldn't possibly be a prologue, though, try a Discworld book...
>> McSqueakers
Thanks for sticking up for writers everywhere to write how they want to. In my case, badly.
>> Gypsy
If you would like to write a three-chapter clopfic based on the work once it's done, I have no power to stop you.
>> Balancer
Because you do. Wants and needs are strange creatures; indeed, that's a plot point later on.
Scott, you need to use the "L" word. Lesbian? I mean the other "L" word. Lesbians? I meant love Scott, wasn't trying to trick you.
58514
Someones mad.
Excuse me for expressing my opinion on the matter
Cheers
~Iraqlobstah
58659
You're as much entitled to your opinion as McSqueaker is to theirs. Also, point of order, the phrase 'just expressing my opinion' is generally taken to mean 'oh shit, I've been found out, better make the other person look bad by acting passive aggressive.' Also also, I think your post is missing a princess there, in addition to the apostrophe (which, might I say, generally looks bad in the eyes of a professional).
By all things unsavory, this is amazing! Smells like classic psycho!treatment trope, (bad doctor mode), with a nice diagnostic twist, and ponies!
Keep up the good work! Subscribed and looking forward to the next chapter.
58675
Well then....
I need to go get some Swag Action.
Pinkie has been waiting all day for this, (no not that you filthy minded idiot).
*flies away*
Cheers
~iraqlobstah
MoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMoreMore
"Scott, you need to use the "L" word. Lesbian? I mean the other "L" word. Lesbians? I meant love Scott, wasn't trying to trick you."
Exactly what I was thinking
Lawks-a-mercy! I eagerly await the rest of the story; if only in hope that it will show that this tragic opening serves to bring the dramatic adversity necessary for a climactic redemption.
(But mainly so I can do another dramatic reading. The last one was so fun!)
61674 I assure you, it was equally fun to listen to. You did a cracking job. New chapter should be up before Thursday. I do 'em mostly for the WTG on deviantArt and post them here because, well, it's more convenient and I can get a wider audience.
I was a bit hesitant at the beginning but am now glad that I read this. It looks like it'll be possibly quite interesting though I feel damn sorry for Twilight.
74555
Of course, you are right. I really do need to work on this a bit more than I did, the scenes with AJ and RD interacting in particular. Indeed, Rainbow Dash should definitely be a lot shier around her than normal - we'll see why next chapter, but suffice it to say that it ties into another story I've written - and I think Pinkie should've got some airtime. All to be edited in future. Your points are, as ever, excellent, and your compliments are, as ever, extremely welcome. =]
Wait what ditzy is the princess
The writing style really is superb in this. I'm stunned at the lack of traffic it's getting. You should consider submitting this to Equestria Daily.
Shit just got real....AHHHNVZISNFBKNZDFVB IT updated YES. Weeeeeeee this story is so fucking cooool. I love love loooove How Pinkie and Fluttershy still remember and how the last three also unconsciously remember. It means there is still hope for Twi 8D Yay.
Also Next Chapter is probably backstory YES. Waiting for it eagerly(I just noticed how eagerly is spelled so weird).
Also the timeflow of the story feels kinda messed up...It's been months or weeks since they last saw Twi? or was that just an illusion?
79089
It has indeed been months since they dumped Twilight at Moon River. I'm glad you like the story, so keep watching the internets, true believer!
78703
I intend to continue it. However, Ditzy Doo is not an alicorn (even though it makes me want to squee and bounce around painting smiley faces on everything); Princess Celestia has just finally worked out what the hell's happening and is, as Princesses are wont to do, finding some heroes to do the legwork. There's actually a reason for this. If Celestia did take a more proactive role in a fight against an eldritch abomination and something went horribly wrong, Equestria does not have anypony capable of raising the sun. Which is, as you've probably inferred from the countless grimdark fics on the subject, a Very Bad Thing.
78878
I'm extremely flattered, but my updates are too infrequent and my chapters too small (they have to be over 3k words or some other such chickenman-inspired bellendery). In the big ol' edit that tends to happen, I'll probably end up mashing some chapters together so that they become acceptable, but that in turn implies a fic with massive injuries to the Best Pony and having her actually tortured would get through at all. Maybe I could get it through as part of the Westmareland Cycle... meh. Thank you again for your very kind words, and I hope I continue to give you cause to say them.
79263 I don't think you'd have a problem with this. So far, EqD's never rejected anything I've sent them, so I'm pretty familiar with what they want. They do want updates in chunks of at least 3k words, but that shouldn't be a problem, and it's okay for those words to be spread across several chapters. You've got enough here for an initial submission, and frankly I don't think they really enforce the 3k word requirement after the initial piece. There are many stories on that site that seem to do short updates. On the other hand, you can wait until there are several chapters accumulated before notifying them of an update. There are also plenty of stories there that go for a month or more between updates. In short, I don't think any of your concerns would be a problem. You could even wait until the story's complete if you like.
I do understand why they state a word limit - otherwise, writers would be producing very short chapters all the time, which wouldn't flow well in such short bursts, in order to make the update list every day and get maximum exposure.
You will catch some flame over there for a dark story, but it won't really carry over into your rating here, and it will direct a lot more people here who would genuinely enjoy this. I've always found their pre-readers to give helpful advice, too.
Well, as interesting as it'll be to see how they first met Caducea and how it is that Ditzy and whoever she gets to accompany her deal with her this time around, the real end of the story will be when caring doctors put what the evil freak casually mangled back together into a unicorn. I don't much like the odds of the one they started out with coming back but they will have something functional at the end of the process.....which, while saddening me, seems an appropriate punishment for the slower-thinking members of the Mane Six.
Holy schitt this is awesome. I always like seeing main characters suffer. Also this disturbed me somewhat.
Is there a cenobyte problem?
80032 That's your analysis of the odds and you're entitled to it.
80083 Nope, mostly because I never really got into the Hellraiser films or Clive Barker in general. There are supernatural elements in any pony story (what is magic if not supernatural) but the overtly demonic stuff? A) Barker's doing it wrong, for my money at least, and B) I'm saving it up for something special.
I'm really sorry but I don't feel comfortable reading this. I usually avoid anything this dark.
81544 That's entirely your prerogative, old sock. It is a dark fic, and will remain so right until the very end. I do hope, however, that you stick around for the other instalments in the Westmareland Cycle. The Pinkie Pie fic in particular should be more to your taste.
82177
Thank you for being so understanding, friend. I will most definitely stay around for the rest of the cycle, as I still very much enjoy your style of writing, and look forward to the rest of the grand narrative.
Anyway, sorry for not holding to my word out of my faint-heartedness. I wish you all the best and will still be checking your page eagerly for the next story.
Happy Hearth's Warming Eve!
As much as I like this fic, I don't think the time skip really works. I'm pretty sure Spike would write to Celestia as soon as he woke up, and even if that didn't bring a response, finding out that three members of the elements flat out forgot about Twilight should have. shortening the time span or changing the effects of the memory spell would make things more believable, but I just don't think Celestia would let the disappearance of her prized pupil go for so long.
82980 You raise a fine point, and one I cannot answer within the timeframe I have. Please allow me to return to this discussion in five hours?
I have absolutely no idea what's going on in this fanfic. can someone explain?
I question "why". Only "why." just why it is necessay.
83455
Spoiler warning
-----------------------------
Twilight seems to have been a part of some psychopatic medical testing including much pain and suffering. The doctor who did this to her was put away, and Twilight got her life back on tracks, though still suffering at nights because of the traumas.
After they defeated Discord, these traumas have regained their grip from Twilight. Her friends don't understand at all, since they never knew about it, so they thought her bad condition was because of painkiller addiction. Without their knowing, they lead Twilight back to the place she got her traumas from.
Now Twilight's there, in the same room, with the same doctor doing the same horrifying things to her. Seemingly the doctor doesn't even test anything with Twilight, she just enjoys the pain she brings to her.
---------------------------------
Disgusting, that's all I can say. But since I began, I won't stop until the end. (oh why i'm doing this to me)
Please, end it quick.
i was struggling to not curse and be impolite. But!
i really don't like this story at all, i find it "disgusting" to be honest.
The writing is really good, i'll give you that, but the story line itself is nasty.
I am not lying when i say that my stomach turned more then once while i was reading this.
great writing, but i will Not! be back for more.
83507
My little pony: Justine
I am absolutely terrified but the way you have written this makes me keep going
82980 Sorry, it's been six. Can't remember why... But yeah, that's a fine point. However, I don't think Spike would write to Celestia straight away; partially because he's still gonna be groggy for a few days, and partly because after those few days the doubt will have set in and he'll dissolve into the mess we see him in at the end of The Lapse. As for Celestia, well, this takes place after Lesson Zero. All the others write letters approximately once a week (without knowing entirely why), so there's not nearly as much scale for noticing. It might be idly curious that Twilight hadn't sent a letter for a few months, but since we didn't have a friendship report for a month either from ANYONE affiliated with Twilight, I'm willing to let it slide.
78745 probably because we like to see the growth that comes out of that pain and triumph
anyway can't wait for the next chapter
83507 Don't worry. As everyone tends to be saying to the LGBT teen community at present, it gets better (I'm assuming you got here from Equestria Daily, in which case YAY!). Whilst right now it focusses on Caducea's psychopathy and Twilight's pain, this fic is nowhere near finished and will get better from here. Indeed, I can hardly even consider it a spoiler to say that Twilight will heal and that it will take time to do.
83520 That's a bit of a shame, since it really won't concentrate on Twilight's torture beyond the fifth chapter and only occasional allusions to it with her (actual, real, properly trained, non-batfuck-insano-crazy-go-nuts) therapists. I can't make you read it, of course, that would be rather silly and against what I believe... but I'm glad you liked the writing style. For said style applied to a non-Grimdark premise, please consider Witch Of The Westmareland.
83489 Because I've got a story to tell. I beg you reserve judgement as to the story's necessity until I've finished telling it.
83646 i still stand by that i wont read this story any further, since it really made me feel physically bad. i might get around to reading this when im more stable, but that is not certain.
But i will read Witch Of The Westmareland, depending of the story itself :)
I need to start looking at the tags because i thought this was a ship fic. great story I cant wait for more.
i love this. it's nice to see twi suffer. she has everything going for her.
I also love how you describe the seizure. darklightdarklight...