Word of advice, To a professional, A prologue shows incompetence and lack of skill because its an easy way for the writer to explain things without doing as much or any work at all.

I see to many stories ruin what would of made some great first chapter material that would of made me interested with prologues.

Other than that, i would say that this story is alright, Ill give it a track and see if it goes anywhere

Cheers

~iraqlobstah

>>5843658436

I beg to differ. A prologue can be artfully done and set the scene of a story or even be used to introduce the conflict.

Lactating  Lesbian Lingerie ?

This terrifies me. I'm being absolutely serious. This scares me so much I won't be able to continue reading.

It reminds me too much of Stephen King... or, more correctly, one of his movies. The one about the famous author who ends up in a car accident and get's saved by a fan of his who lives nearby. Said fan is a psychotic bitch that is obsesed with one of his book series, and was disappointed with the latest release was the last one, and spent some time being tortured until he completed a new book for the series.

"Misery" is the name... and I'll never be able to get out what she did to his legs alone in that movie....

So with that, I salute you all, and hope you have a great time with this story.

With that, I jump ship. LATER!

>>5845858458 PS. If you want to reply to these messages, send them via Private Message. Once I leave, I'll refuse to return.

>>5845858458

lulz

>>5844958449

Thats what first chapters are for. ._.

Cheers

~iraqlobstah

Is this a Sequel to something? this is OK so far and im interested to see were this is going.

>>5848258482

A writer is free to structure his story however he likes. It makes no difference whether the first part is called Prologue or Chapter 1.

Arguing that one should call it chapter 1 because YOU think it looks better is a pointless cause.

O.o......why do I want more?

>> IraqLobstah

I'm glad you like my work, but it was never really intended as a prologue. It is, in fact, the opening chapter, just considerably shorter than the other one because I wrote it in about an hour. It's an explanation (albeit vague) of what the hell's happening to Twilight and how Spike is trying to help. If you do want something where the first chapter couldn't possibly be a prologue, though, try a Discworld book...

>> McSqueakers

Thanks for sticking up for writers everywhere to write how they want to. In my case, badly.

>> Gypsy

If you would like to write a three-chapter clopfic based on the work once it's done, I have no power to stop you.

>> Balancer

Because you do. Wants and needs are strange creatures; indeed, that's a plot point later on.

Scott, you need to use the "L" word. Lesbian? I mean the other "L" word. Lesbians? I meant love Scott, wasn't trying to trick you.

>>5851458514

Someones mad.

Excuse me for expressing my opinion on the matter

Cheers

~Iraqlobstah

>>5865958659

You're as much entitled to your opinion as McSqueaker is to theirs. Also, point of order, the phrase 'just expressing my opinion' is generally taken to mean 'oh shit, I've been found out, better make the other person look bad by acting passive aggressive.' Also also, I think your post is missing a princess there, in addition to the apostrophe (which, might I say, generally looks bad in the eyes of a professional).

By all things unsavory, this is amazing! Smells like classic psycho!treatment trope, (bad doctor mode), with a nice diagnostic twist, and ponies!

Keep up the good work! Subscribed and looking forward to the next chapter.

*looks around comments*

I like this story :D It's exciting :D

>>5867558675

Well then....

I need to go get some Swag Action.

Pinkie has been waiting all day for this, (no not that you filthy minded idiot).

*flies away*

Cheers

~iraqlobstah

...

I actually don't know what to say.

I wonder how the rest of the story will go.

...

I actually don't know what to say.

I want to keep reading but...the next chapter isn't out yet.

Well, until it is, I'll have to work on my own story's.

I am hesitantly interested.

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"Scott, you need to use the "L" word. Lesbian? I mean the other "L" word. Lesbians? I meant love Scott, wasn't trying to trick you."

Exactly what I was thinking

Lawks-a-mercy! I eagerly await the rest of the story; if only in hope that it will show that this tragic opening serves to bring the dramatic adversity necessary for a climactic redemption.

(But mainly so I can do another dramatic reading. The last one was so fun!)

>>6167461674 I assure you, it was equally fun to listen to. You did a cracking job. New chapter should be up before Thursday. I do 'em mostly for the WTG on deviantArt and post them here because, well, it's more convenient and I can get a wider audience.

I was a bit hesitant at the beginning but am now glad that I read this. It looks like it'll be possibly quite interesting though I feel damn sorry for Twilight.

So I finally read this chapter after postponing it due to my squeamishness and love of Twilight.

I am disturbed on a deep, primal level, but I cannot look away.  That is the hallmark of good horror writing, sir.  Congratulations.

I must say, though, that the mane 6 seemed off-character.  I know that AJ is the element of honesty and cares a great deal for her friends, but the whole "she must be on drugs" decision feels rushed.  It's not inconceivable (which is a saving grace), but it needs, to my way of looking at it, more buildup and/or development to be plausible.  Even if we just got more narration of the characters interacting and moving (AJ shifting in her seat uneasily, punctuating her sentences with nervous looks out the window, Dash giving her quizzical looks from across the table), then that would lend them depth and thus give more credibility to the set-up of the story.

That said, it doesn't seem like the justification for Twilight being in Arkham- I MEAN MOON RIVER HOSPICE is really the main focus of the story; certainly not as much as what befalls the poor dear once she's been committed.  It all works out in the end, I suppose.

And of course, by "sir", I mean "madam".  Thanks, brain.

>>7455574555

Of course, you are right. I really do need to work on this a bit more than I did, the scenes with AJ and RD interacting in particular. Indeed, Rainbow Dash should definitely be a lot shier around her than normal - we'll see why next chapter, but suffice it to say that it ties into another story I've written - and I think Pinkie should've got some airtime. All to be edited in future. Your points are, as ever, excellent, and your compliments are, as ever, extremely welcome. =]

HOLY SHIT this story got REAL. YOU MUST CONTINUE THIS AT ONCE

Wait what ditzy is the princess

Why is it that I like to see my favorite character suffer, and hopefully triumph over it?

Well done with the story...well done.

The writing style really is superb in this.  I'm stunned at the lack of traffic it's getting.  You should consider submitting this to Equestria Daily.

Shit just got real....AHHHNVZISNFBKNZDFVB IT updated YES. Weeeeeeee this story is so fucking cooool. I love love loooove How Pinkie and Fluttershy still remember and how the last three also unconsciously remember. It means there is still hope for Twi 8D Yay.

Also Next Chapter is probably backstory YES. Waiting for it eagerly(I just noticed how eagerly is spelled so weird).

Also the timeflow of the story feels kinda messed up...It's been months or weeks since they last saw Twi? or was that just an illusion?

>>7908979089

It has indeed been months since they dumped Twilight at Moon River. I'm glad you like the story, so keep watching the internets, true believer!

>>7870378703

I intend to continue it. However, Ditzy Doo is not an alicorn (even though it makes me want to squee and bounce around painting smiley faces on everything); Princess Celestia has just finally worked out what the hell's happening and is, as Princesses are wont to do, finding some heroes to do the legwork. There's actually a reason for this. If Celestia did take a more proactive role in a fight against an eldritch abomination and something went horribly wrong, Equestria does not have anypony capable of raising the sun. Which is, as you've probably inferred from the countless grimdark fics on the subject, a Very Bad Thing.

>>7887878878

I'm extremely flattered, but my updates are too infrequent and my chapters too small (they have to be over 3k words or some other such chickenman-inspired bellendery). In the big ol' edit that tends to happen, I'll probably end up mashing some chapters together so that they become acceptable, but that in turn implies a fic with massive injuries to the Best Pony and having her actually tortured would get through at all. Maybe I could get it through as part of the Westmareland Cycle... meh. Thank you again for your very kind words, and I hope I continue to give you cause to say them.

>>7926379263 I don't think you'd have a problem with this.  So far, EqD's never rejected anything I've sent them, so I'm pretty familiar with what they want.  They do want updates in chunks of at least 3k words, but that shouldn't be a problem, and it's okay for those words to be spread across several chapters.  You've got enough here for an initial submission, and frankly I don't think they really enforce the 3k word requirement after the initial piece.  There are many stories on that site that seem to do short updates.  On the other hand, you can wait until there are several chapters accumulated before notifying them of an update.  There are also plenty of stories there that go for a month or more between updates.  In short, I don't think any of your concerns would be a problem.  You could even wait until the story's complete if you like.

I do understand why they state a word limit - otherwise, writers would be producing very short chapters all the time, which wouldn't flow well in such short bursts, in order to make the update list every day and get maximum exposure.

You will catch some flame over there for a dark story, but it won't really carry over into your rating here, and it will direct a lot more people here who would genuinely enjoy this.  I've always found their pre-readers to give helpful advice, too.

Well, as interesting as it'll be to see how they first met Caducea and how it is that Ditzy and whoever she gets to accompany her deal with her this time around, the real end of the story will be when caring doctors put what the evil freak casually mangled back together into a unicorn. I don't much like the odds of the one they started out with coming back but they will have something functional at the end of the process.....which, while saddening me, seems an appropriate punishment for the slower-thinking members of the Mane Six.

Holy schitt this is awesome. I always like seeing main characters suffer. Also this disturbed me somewhat.

Is there a cenobyte problem?

>>8003280032 That's your analysis of the odds and you're entitled to it.

>>8008380083 Nope, mostly because I never really got into the Hellraiser films or Clive Barker in general. There are supernatural elements in any pony story (what is magic if not supernatural) but the overtly demonic stuff? A) Barker's doing it wrong, for my money at least, and B) I'm saving it up for something special.

I'm really sorry but I don't feel comfortable reading this. I usually avoid anything this dark.

>>8154481544 That's entirely your prerogative, old sock. It is a dark fic, and will remain so right until the very end. I do hope, however, that you stick around for the other instalments in the Westmareland Cycle. The Pinkie Pie fic in particular should be more to your taste.

>>8217782177

Thank you for being so understanding, friend. I will most definitely stay around for the rest of the cycle, as I still very much enjoy your style of writing, and look forward to the rest of the grand narrative.

Anyway, sorry for not holding to my word out of my faint-heartedness. I wish you all the best and will still be checking your page eagerly for the next story.

Happy Hearth's Warming Eve!

As much as I like this fic, I don't think the time skip really works.  I'm pretty sure Spike would write to Celestia as soon as he woke up, and even if that didn't bring a response, finding out that three members of the elements flat out forgot about Twilight should have.  shortening the time span or changing the effects of the memory spell would make things more believable, but I just don't think Celestia would let the disappearance of her prized pupil go for so long.

>>8298082980 You raise a fine point, and one I cannot answer within the timeframe I have. Please allow me to return to this discussion in five hours?

I have absolutely no idea what's going on in this fanfic. can someone explain?

I question "why". Only "why." just why it is necessay.

>>8345583455

Spoiler warning

-----------------------------

Twilight seems to have been a part of some psychopatic medical testing including much pain and suffering. The doctor who did this to her was put away, and Twilight got her life back on tracks, though still suffering at nights because of the traumas.

After they defeated Discord, these traumas have regained their grip from Twilight. Her friends don't understand at all, since they never knew about it, so they thought her bad condition was because of painkiller addiction. Without their knowing, they lead Twilight back to the place she got her traumas from.

Now Twilight's there, in the same room, with the same doctor doing the same horrifying things to her. Seemingly the doctor doesn't even test anything with Twilight, she just enjoys the pain she brings to her.

---------------------------------

Disgusting, that's all I can say. But since I began, I won't stop until the end. (oh why i'm doing this to me)

Please, end it quick.

i was struggling to not curse and be impolite. But!

i really don't like this story at all, i find it "disgusting" to be honest.

The writing is really good, i'll give you that, but the story line itself is nasty.

I am not lying when i say that my stomach turned more then once while i was reading this.

great writing, but i will Not! be back for more.

>>8350783507

My little pony: Justine

I am absolutely terrified but the way you have written this makes me keep going

>>8298082980 Sorry, it's been six. Can't remember why... But yeah, that's a fine point. However, I don't think Spike would write to Celestia straight away; partially because he's still gonna be groggy for a few days, and partly because after those few days the doubt will have set in and he'll dissolve into the mess we see him in at the end of The Lapse. As for Celestia, well, this takes place after Lesson Zero. All the others write letters approximately once a week (without knowing entirely why), so there's not nearly as much scale for noticing. It might be idly curious that Twilight hadn't sent a letter for a few months, but since we didn't have a friendship report for a month either from ANYONE affiliated with Twilight, I'm willing to let it slide.

>>7874578745 probably because we like to see the growth that comes out of that pain and triumph

anyway can't wait for the next chapter

>>8350783507 Don't worry. As everyone tends to be saying to the LGBT teen community at present, it gets better (I'm assuming you got here from Equestria Daily, in which case YAY!). Whilst right now it focusses on Caducea's psychopathy and Twilight's pain, this fic is nowhere near finished and will get better from here. Indeed, I can hardly even consider it a spoiler to say that Twilight will heal and that it will take time to do.

>>8352083520 That's a bit of a shame, since it really won't concentrate on Twilight's torture beyond the fifth chapter and only occasional allusions to it with her (actual, real, properly trained, non-batfuck-insano-crazy-go-nuts) therapists. I can't make you read it, of course, that would be rather silly and against what I believe... but I'm glad you liked the writing style. For said style applied to a non-Grimdark premise, please consider Witch Of The Westmareland.

>>8348983489 Because I've got a story to tell. I beg you reserve judgement as to the story's necessity until I've finished telling it.

>>8364683646 i still stand by that i wont read this story any further, since it really made me feel physically bad. i might get around to reading this when im more stable, but that is not certain.

But i will read Witch Of The Westmareland, depending of the story itself :)

I need to start looking at the tags because i thought this was a ship fic.  great story I cant wait for more.

i love this. it's nice to see twi suffer. she has everything going for her.

I also love how you describe the seizure. darklightdarklight...

Really progressive and well though our story. I would very much love to see the next chapter soon. Keep up the great work!

Thought*                Out*

Don't know why my keyboard is responding so weirdly today...  

This is great, except I don't want to say it's great because I hate to think of poor Twilight suffering. But the writing is very well done, the characters' personalities are right on track, and hopefully we'll make up for all of this darkness with a happy ending, yes?

Thanks for writing this.

>>8399383993 I'm very glad you enjoyed it thus far, and I'm definitely going to try and hammer something out before the end of the year. Yay productivity! I have thought this out a lot more than my other stories due to the episodic structure of the piece - it's paced more like TV than it is like a book or a film, in the same way that Dickens novels were originally serialised in daily newspapers. Not that I'm comparing myself to Dickens, of course. The man's an utter hack...

>>8392683926 I'm guessing you used that emoticon because we don't have a Twilight-screams-in-utter-agony face (and frankly, I'd be extremely worried about Knighty if we did), but I'm glad you've enjoyed it. However, one small caveat is that this ain't not no hatefic; Twilight gets rescued and does heal (indeed, I'd say that that will be much more what the completed fic is about rather than just watching her get mentally and physically ripped apart by a psychopathic doctor).

>>8388483884 The, er... the shipping comes later and we'll leave it at that. Anything else would constitute massive spoilers.

>>8401584015 Yes we do. It's in the blog - this fic's more about the healing than the hurting.

This just reads at a pretentious attempt at a deep, abstract thriller.

Incomprehensible is the new intelligent, after all.

>>8413384133

I'm not the author so I don't know if I have the authority to respond to this, but based on your assessment of this fic as "incomprehensible," I'd guess that you've only read the first chapter, which was indeed very difficult to understand. That being said, I want to encourage you to keep reading, because while I was skeptical after the first chapter as well, I'm now really intrigued with this fic.

Sorry to butt in. I just saw a comment expressing what I was thinking before starting the fic proper and figured I'd throw my two cents out there.

>>8364683646

She isn't the only one that will end up bouncing back from this, I should think. I can already see that Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie are starting to fray around the edges and figuring out that they don't have Twilight or each other really figured out will do a real number on Rarity, Rainbow Dash and especially Applejack. Even Ditzy is going to need time to recover from this.....again. I just hope the FPS doesn't try anything stupid this time.

>>8360083600  How do they get the letters to Celestia without Spike sending them? Even with your explanation, it's still a massive plot hole; the situation presumes that, for several months: Celestia never once wrote to Twilight or Spike, neither princess visited Ponyville, AJ, RD, and Rarity didn't notice that Fluttershy and Pinkie are going crazy, they didn't notice that they basically forgot a year+ of their lives, no one in Ponyville, including Ditzy, thought to question why they suddenly and literally forgot about one of their best friends, Celestia failed to notice that she hasn't received a single letter from Spike or Twilight, and so on.  Shortening the time skip down to a couple weeks would mostly resolve the problems and wouldn't affect the story.

Honestly, though, I do like the story; this is the longest review of anything I've ever written.

I feel bad for Spike the most out of all the characters in this. I don't know why. Anyways, I look forward to seeing more chapters soon.

(Also I shed a *MANLY* tear when Pinkie Pie when she hummed the Winter Wrap-up song)

.....Celestia, what the ever loving christfuck is wrong with you?

>>8510785107 She sees the best in people and is, at the end of the day, the absolute monarch of a fairly sizeable country. That sort of thing can take a chunk out of your free time; more information on that will be forthcoming in later chapters. Suffice it to say that Caducea is extremely intelligent and knows how people think, even though she doesn't care about them at all.

.........so much i want to know so much i must know continue asap

This is really good so far~!  I can't wait to read the next chapter! I'm glad Pinkie remembers Twilight.  I don't know if the others are faking that they don't remember or some kind of spell went over them to make them forget (I bet it's the second choice)  Anyway, great idea so far!  Can't wait for more!!!!

What

I'm sure this will all make sense in a bit. It's all so serious!

Btw, haters, please restrain-- the writing's good, and there's no need for that just because it's confusing at first.

>>5860658606

Hooray for the scott pilgrim vs the world reference

>>8555185551 The wards mentioned at the end of Chapter 2 are spell wards. Those are what caused the memory loss. In retrospect, this could and should have been clearer.

WHAT THE F*** i NEED MORE I NEED MORE INEED MORE INEED MORE INEEDMOREMOREMOREMOREMOREmoremoremoremoremore...

I love the style of writing used in this story, and surprisingly, I see nothing wrong with Twi being hurt as such, mostly because she usually never has any problems, unlike the other five (Except in Lesson Zero)... Off of that though, I can't WAIT for the next chapter. If it doesn't come out soon, I'll go insane...

>>8742987429

Blibbledy-wibble hey nonny nonny *splish*

On a more serious note, The Leader should be out by the end of the year. Definitely before 15th January.

I think I've become an addict....to this fanfic. I MUST HAVE MORE!

>>8864988649 Fanfic addiction recovery is one of many treatment plans available at Moon River Hospice. Ask in your local asylum for a brochure!

>>5850458504 If Pinkie Pie is the one who "can't hurt " her anymore it may very well be a sequel to something else I've read...... argh can't remember the name of it thou (I just remember it was a very good read). It's about Pinkie and how she got her dangerous other self, Pinkamina, who talked her into start doing all the "cupcake"-business.

She had been abused by her father (spoiler: she accidently killed him also when he was about to abuse her again (additional spoiler: it turned out to not being her fault (extreme spoiler: it's not really important (Sergeant shooter spoiler, to the max: or it was...)))). Somehow Pinkie started having flashbacks that she couldn't place (also: Feel free to stop reading this and read that fanfic cause it's REALLY good!) the pictures she remembered. She got magical help from Twilight, but after she remembered it all she eventually broke down and her other self Pinkamina (re)appeared. And in the end of it she (Pinkamina/Pinkie) comes to the conclusion that it's all Twilights fault and puts her as her next target.

And here it goes all cupcaky.... But there is a friend to Dash who discovers this (he is awesome ofc, for example eating candy while lazily observing Pinkamina chasing and trying to kill the fleeing Twilight (spoiler: he have discovered what Pinkie/Pinkamina does but handles it like boss (even goes on a date with the freak), helps Twilight in secret (scchhh!!! don't spoil the fun!)). And he gives Twilight a chance to escape stealthy. After just a little while thou Pinkamina discovers this and the (for Pinkamina amusing) huntinggame can commence......

Additional spoiler: Twilight survives (no shit) and manages to cure Pinkie but it's extremely intense!!

And if you have read all this I'm afraid I may have spoiled the fun for you to read it but what the heck I warned you (...I think..).

...Shine on!

(spoiler?)

"Rainbow Dash considered putting a wing around her ex, but though better of it."

Lol something is going on here :] I may aswell have read more than one story leading to this story then... (first I recoon may be the inclination from Chapter 1 from Spike to Twi: "she can't hurt you anymore" "she"-being Pinkie Pie (I dont think that's true anymore thou )) may come from a story I described as a comment on chapter 1....

Suffice to say: I LIKE this! :D Keep writing!

"It showed all four of her best friends." aw yeah! Loving the foreshadowing! (is it Pinkie? is it Twilight in result of multiple brainwashing a.s.o) I don't know (yet) but I will now keep reading!

Laaaast christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away.... Thank you for planting that song in my head now xD

>>8909189091

I don't think you have yet been sufficiently wrong. Would you care to claim that Celestia is actually some sort of extra-terrestrial lizard?

>>8909189091

Well, to clarify: you're completely wrong about it being Pinkamina behind all this. Dr. Caducea is mentioned by name in The Layabout and gets a little screentime in The Liar. Pinkamina is the result of Twilight going away and has manifested fully by the time of The Lapse. Caducea has an ulterior motive, but I'm not telling you what it is.

It's good.

I wonder if the rest of the mane six jumped to the INTERVENTION stage a little too fast, though. Like, Applejack had her suspicions, but all of a sudden, it's a full-on "Tranq addiction, better get the whole band together and forcibly cart her away" solution. I sort of expected Applejack to wrestle with denial of the evidence for a little bit.

Other than that, it's solid.

I would definitely stick that Grimdark tag on, though - inadvertant self-harm, mental torture and torment probably falls into that field pretty well, and you usually want to err on the side of caution with tags like that, because there's some real sensitive snowflakes out there.

4.5/5, liable to change to a perfect 5 if the rest of the story keeps up the same level of quality.

>>9055690556 You're not the first person to mention those things, and you probably won't be the last, but I'm really not sure how I can get it fixed without wrecking the pacing of The Liar (one of the few things I think I got right). I still need to change The Lapse to fit into the overarching continuity of the Westmareland Cycle, though.

>>9064490644

Well, the trade-off is that we've gotten to the meat of the story a bit quicker, so there's not too much issue there.

>>Colour Coded Chaos

But it's more fun to watch her be ripped paart

Oh I get it, Rarity, Applejack and Rainbow Dash were the ones to drop her off, so that's why only they don't remember because they got hit with the spell... but why does Applebloom not remember? Why do some people, while others don't?

I still think Celestia noticing is a bit weird... how long has twilight been away? long enough for the library to be "abandoned" and for them to "miss going to the library" I'm thinking 3 weeks or 1 month. Then agan, there is never any mention of the length of time between episodes in season 2, so this could be extended by a bit

Now the other ponies, do they all assume that she went on drugs? cause this sounds like the first time Ditzy has heard about this.

Just a few questions... can't wait til next chapter, or you might release 2 or is that me being hopeful

>>9283692836

In answer to your questions:

1) This will be expanded upon in The Leader, which I am in the process of polishing now.

2) Twilight's been gone a couple of weeks, but AJ, RD and Rarity all think it's abandoned because Spike's been barring everypony from entering.

3) Those who press Pinkie and Fluttershy for details find out about her 'addiction,' but Fluttershy ain't really in a talky mood and Pinkie's busy manning the fort while the Cakes are organising famine relief in Zebrazzaville. This is extremely important and will, as ever, be expanded upon in the next chapter.

4) Ditzy went past the library on her rounds but since Spike did a bang-up job of making it look unwelcoming she didn't drop in, and the Closed Until Further Notice sign didn't help. Again, more on this in The Leader.

how do you even get on the story?!?! i can't do this just somepony please tell me how to get on this thing! if it's ok with you

what?:??

>>9326393263

If you mean what I think you do, and there's no guarantee of that, then Twilight Sparkle's being tortured by her memories of abuse which came back much stronger after fighting off Discord. Her friends then worked out that she was dropping painkillers like Pinkie drops cake (which wasn't her doing, but Spike's), and carted our pointy purple friend off to a hospice at the behest of Nurse Tenderheart. Unbeknownst to the three Elements who took her to the place, it's run by Twi's escaped tormentor and, due to some powerful magic, their memories of her are being suppressed. It's up to Spike, Ditzy and Celestia to bust her out.

That's the plot so far. Any more would be spoilers.

>>9327493274

That's another thing: Celestia would be able to bust Twilight out just like that... wouldn't she?

Guess I'll have to wait for the next chapter...

I hate being patient

>>9441194411

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a princess in possession of a problem must be in want of some heroes.

>>9283692836 To quote Ditzy on your Applebloomquestion:

And Applebloom said the weirdest thing."

"Oh yes, little muffin?"

"She said there was no such mare. Now, we're not crazy. So something's happened - Mommy? You're all pale. Do you want me to get your snuggie?" A hint of worry crept into Dinky's voice as her mother sat and stared wide-eyed at nothing in particular.

"It affects blood relations..." Ditzy mumbled.

>> 89640 Yeah after reading the WHOLE chapter it all came clear ^^

Now commence with the Derpy flashback! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_jcZI4Ag6I

I'm going to be honest, this is the kind of story I don't usually read. But every so often, I come across a story like this or "Scars of the Soul" by Valaris and instead of not liking what I read, I find myself wanting to read more. That's definitely the sign of an excellent writer. I look forward to seeing where you go with this story!

Well, hum.. Dunno if I'll continue, err. That was nice but I don't like to see Twilight hurt :(

Anyway, there's two things that might need to be fixed :

"Whereare you talking her?"

You meant taking, I think.

"How do you mean?"

That one was probably "What"; or this is a structure I don't know.