epicdonus1123 BOT 10 139 39

Joined July 2012
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epicdonus1123 BOT's Stories (10)

The Scoot of My Life: Sisterhooving
The story of Rainbow and Scootaloo.
12,140 words · 1,472 views · 79 likes · 13 dislikes
Chair Mode Activated
Chair mode has been activated.
2,508 words · 1,541 views · 84 likes · 19 dislikes
Redemption, Reincarnation, Apples, and Faith
Every-actually nopony has these days.
1,274 words · 398 views · 20 likes · 3 dislikes
Laughing Stock
A story of being different.
2,512 words · 232 views · 23 likes · 5 dislikes
Bronze, Thunder, and Rain
14,000 words · 365 views · 19 likes · 8 dislikes
A New Leaf
12,568 words · 616 views · 17 likes · 9 dislikes
The Hunger Manes
2,916 words · 356 views · 19 likes · 12 dislikes
Snicker
1,058 words · 114 views · 8 likes · 3 dislikes
Rising Up
1,445 words · 156 views · 9 likes · 5 dislikes
The Conversion Bureau: An Eye for An Eye
1,038 words · 390 views · 23 likes · 23 dislikes

epicdonus1123 BOT's Blog (139)

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Rising Up by epicdonus1123 BOT

Sad Comedy Slice of Life Human

Strocca, Octavia, Lyra, and Vinyl Scratch are like that. Ever since they were foals, they were best friends. In grade school, they loved to talk about music; Vinyl and Strocca seemed to like the same kind of music, though. Nevertheless, they still hung out. However, they are all seventeen now; Octavia lives with Vinyl, Lyra lives with a pony named Bon-Bon, and Strocca lives by himself. He is a big time techno producer, but even his popularity can't fill his hunger for friendship. Being as this is, Strocca decides to go and visit his lesser known friends to catch up on some of they're childhood stories.

First Published
6th Aug 2012

Last Modified
9th Aug 2012

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honeyhoneyhoney

#1 · Chapter 1 · 41w, 3h ago ·

The character's feel/sound fake. Try reading your story out loud, and imagine if that's how an actual conversation would sound like.

+++

"Hey Vinyl, I have a water balloon in my hoof!" Unfortunately, she fell down.

Vinyl shook her head, giving a small grin.

"Don't worry!!!" The fallen pony squirmed back up. "I'm okay!"

"Yikes. And here I thought I'd have to care..."

"Excuse me," coughed Octavia. She chastised the two ponies. "Please, quiet down."

"Lighten up, Octy." Strocca turned away from the two other ponies. "They're just horsing around."

"I know..." sighed Octavia, "But I can't enjoy myself with all this ruckus."

+++++

I tried to make your first few sentences clearer. BUT even then... the story feels disorganized. At the very least, put enough detail so your readers won't feel lost.

SpikeDark