While I do like this story, I do not like the wrongful usage of capitalization. Sorry, it's my OCD, it drives me nuts when I see something like this.

Anyways, I like the story so far, but you might want to revise a bit, sorry.

Let's see...am I forgetting anything......oh yea!

First!

"I can't fly that good", it should be well, not good.

So many misspellings!!!!!!!

This is an interesting story, but I feel it could be better, so I'm going to tell you a few things, and maybe they'll help you improve if you'll take them. You don't have to heed my advice, I'm just here to see if maybe I can give you a little boost.

1)Background & Actions

Alright, this is where I noticed the two biggest things. Redwing's parents, you just mentioned them and their death. I could see how it tied into his upset nature at the time, but I feel that if you had maybe dived deeper, or kept it back for a point where it would play a larger emotional moment, then it would've had a larger impact.

Fluttershy's singing, at no point prior to Redwing saying she was did you even HINT that she was singing. All you said at the time was that she was feeding her animals. Please, make sure you note on something like that if it is going to be used.

2)Description & Flow

I noticed that you jumped a bit with talking and what both characters were doing. I'd like to suggest delving deeper into the part, and focus on every detail as though it were a movie. Think about it like this. If you can imagine it, then mention it. You randomly went from standing, to sitting, to his hoof on her shoulder. Make it flow some...

Now descriptively, this can be the strong point of your story. When you pour over details, it adds a special depth to the piece. Let me show you just a bit. Instead of Fluttershy just acting a little shy, FOCUS on that personality and make it come alive...

"Fluttershy stood there, her turquoise eyes darting back and forth. She looked from the newcomer, to the ground, and back, attempting to hide under her mane. The pegasus before her had seemingly appeared from nowhere, and had kicked in her nervous reflex."

That was just a short attempt at her personality, but you get my point. Description really brings the background, a character, or anything else alive. Go ahead and try it, you might be surprised...

...Well, besides those things, I feel you did an alright job. Now for my initial rating.

That's a 6 out of 10... A 'D'.There is a good amount of room for improvement, but the story doesn't suck.Keep at it, and I'm sure you'll have an excellent story in no time.

>>970691970691 care to give advice like the others instead of being a grammer nazi?

>>970930970930 Well in that case... you might not like me. I am a rather large grammar nazi. Aside from the various misspellings and capitalization issues (please, no all-caps words, it's just annoying. A better way to convey emphasis is with bold or italics. Also, names and the first word of a sentence should always be capitalized), there are several other issues.

The beginning of a paragraph, including characters speaking, should be indented. It generally isn't a good idea to reference things from the real world (i.e. Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends). At one point you referred to Redwing as a mare.

Overall, I'd give it a 4/10, slightly below average. It's a little too much just talking without much description. Also, if you're going to be dropping the F-bomb, you might need to bump the rating up to Mature.

EDIT: Okay... I just saw this story was rated as "Everyone," which makes the whole "dropping the F-bomb" thing really not acceptable. You need to at least raise the rating to "Teen" if you're going to be cursing at all, and probably all the way up to "Mature" if you'll be using the more serious curses frequently.

I'm going to be a grammar Nazi.

In the first paragraph all of the "..." are not needed. You basically used it where a comma should have gone. The CAPS on the words is not needed, unless someone is yelling. A simple Bolding or Italicization could have worked in all of the cases you used caps in the first paragraph. Not to mention all of the run on sentences, and capitalization/punctuation issues. Also Boyfriend should be Coltfriend, this is ponies.

Also. "having no one to talk to can drive a person or, in this case, "pony" insane!"

We know Fluttershy is a pony. Things like this just drag the story down.

Also things like this.

One day, Redwing (if you're wondering, he's a red pegasus) was walking as usual and while he was walking, he saw a pony with yellow fur and pink hair giving, what seemed to be food, to animals... she had ALOT of animals.

Dont just say, hes a red pegasus. Say something like "He was a red pegasus with, a (Inselrt color of mane here) mane." Show, don't tell.

"WAIT!", Fluttershy yelled." Flutterhsy Doesn't Yell, unless she's pissed. And I mean really pissed.

"God, she is exactly like wilt from foster's... only MORE shy...", he thought.  "I-It's okay, fluttershy... so... are you a vet?", he asked. He must admit, even though it was a little bit annoying when she apologized... it was kinda cute to see her THIS delicate.

PONIES DONT EVEN HAVE TV'S WTF.  

You're not an idiot... I'm bad at words to...

Wrong version of "to"

To sum this whole thing up; You need an editor.

>>971990971990 Well, thank you, kind sir! And I was under the oppression that people hated my grammer! hahaha...

>>972056972056 Don't start sentences with prepositions (i.e. "and"), impression not oppression, and grammar not grammer.

Sorry, if only one of the three had been there I could have let it slide, but the proximity of three spelling/grammar mistakes was too much for me to handle.

>>972242972242 tank yoe man, zat meenz alotts!!11

>>9720597205

Well why dont you fix it then.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .... f... u... c... k... i... n... g... e... l... l... i... p... s... e... s...

>>970691970691

Technically, if you use off grammar in speech, but not too often, and a small thing like that, it tends to be forgivable as a dialectical pattern.

"Let me make something clear, If you find my story poor then go make your own. I'm not doubting that ANYONE can make a better story than me."

I have already made my own, and are writing some more. You dont understand the point im making. Im not rying to be mean or hate, im trying to help you and your story.

"I'm not going to cater to everyone. this is a fanfiction, I don't plan on making it a book so, if you find a few spelling mistakes and that just "rustles your jimmies" then by all means, make something better!"

I didn't find a few, I found a lot, and, with all due respect, I've already made something better.

"I'm human, humans are alowed to make SOME mistakes, can't we?"

Yes, but you made many, not some.

>>972747972747 ok, sorry. I understand... I just get mad at alot of stuff. by all means, if that helps me improve, do it.

>>972329972329 That was just uncalled for.

>>975283975283 I'm sure it was :)

Seriously though, I was acting like a big baby.

this story was going somewhere in my opinion but all the grammar mistakes kind of destroyed your story

>>977974977974 thank you, I'll try to fix it once I muster up the energy to change it :)