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Interesting...

Pretty good so far, can't wait to see what happens. No grammatical errors i could see. My thoughts so far about the so far are:

why does she not have a cutiemark?

why is she in Jail/asylum/mental hospital?

what does 249 mean?

where is her memory?

GAH! The suspense is killing me! Cmon!

Hmmm, amusing....

>>992201992201 that cliffhanger physically hurt you too?

Image: http://www.mediabistro.com/fishbowlla/files/original/cliff-hanger.gif

MOAR...if you dont mind....um...please?

Wow this is interesting! More please!

Hmm... pretty good so far. It seems to me that this story is very reminiscent of "White Box". The concept is practically the same even... Well, I'll have to wait and see if this story takes a different direction.

the description is pretty much white box in under 100 words...

This is good. You've earned 11 Octavias.

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia.png

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Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia.png

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Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia.png

you know this story is oddly similar to a story called White Box.

Seems pretty good. Looking forward to more.

Interesting so far.

Have you ever read the story white box? Cause it is a lot like this.

While this is very reminiscent of White Box, I think its different enough to still be its own story. Time will tell, I suppose, though I certainly intend to read it when the next bit comes out

I'm with the others here. Weather or not you intended it to be this reads a lot like the white box. You can't avoid being compared to it; but as long as you don't end up making this place a prison for Celestia's enemies who have crazy special powers you should be okay.

(PS: don't end the story on an implied existential crisis and suicide. It might make for a deep story but it still sucks!)

you, sir, have earned one mustache and a scootaloo

now GIVE ME MOAR STORY!

I like it so far, but its not gonna be a white box rip off is it?

Either way, good job. I look forward to seeing what happens.

FINISH.THIS.NOW!!!!!! pwetty pwease?

oooooOOOOOooooo!!! Can't wait to read the rest!

Second chapter is up! After such positive feedback from the first chapter I'm a little nervous about this one. I hope it's up to scratch! Thanks for all the likes, watches, and favorites so far. Enjoy. :)

good chapter cant wait for the next

Bloody awesome, just as before. Eagerly looking forward to more!

I'm guess the protagonist is Derpy Hooves?

Another nice chapter! Good for two-four-nine. For now. (That sad tag is staring me in the face )

249 is best pony

Love it, really interesting story and I can't wait for it to continue

Don't stop.

Another great chapter. You give yourself too little credit.

Keep them coming

>>999186999186

My money's on Rainbow Dash; I'd prefer it be an OC, though.

Why do I feel like this pony is rainbow dash?

Anyway, the only problem I saw with this was that you bolded words. Normally words aren't bolded in stories, but put into italics. If you feel it needs more emphasis add it into the description after or before.

It's still pretty good though! :)

I don't have a problem with using bold face. I have a story I'm working on and I used it as you did for when somepony is yelling. I use italics for mind speech, or just plain thought. Can't wait to see how long you can drag it out before you let us know who it is.

needs more scary amnesia monsters

I kid, great stuff!

>>992698992698

HOW DID YOU GET THE OCTAVIA ICON?

I like this chapter!!! My guess is that 249 is either Rainbow Dash or Derpy.

Well when i started reading this i was totaly like,"This is such a White Box rip off." but once the whole lost memory thing came up thats when i started to like this story and i cant wait for next chapter.

Now this is going to be interesting, keep up the good work

Third chapter is finally up! Sorry it took so long guys. I really dragged my hooves on this one, but I think it turned out really well. Bon appetit!

You might notice that there's a romance tag now. Yes, I changed it. I originally intended to keep it a secret, but meh. More stuff to guess, right?

Tell me what you think! I'd really appreciate reviews and constructive criticism ect. Tell a friend about this story, spread it around, stuff like that.

Thanks everypony!

She's bad at flying but she isn't Fluttershy, cause of "I'm sorry that it has to be like this." Twilight begins. "I can't imagine how awful it must be for you, but I'm going to help you fix it, okay? Tomorrow is your last day, so I'm going to bring in a few Pegasi. I've got high hopes for those two, and I think you'll definitely get some of your memory back once you meet them." Twilight gives me an encouraging smile. So it's ? Or maybe Derpy...

Muffin? Grey Body? Pegasus? I dare say we have a wall-eyed pegasus in the nut house, dood.

In short, it's totally Spike in there, dood.

She likes muffins, does she? Mmh, a deliberate hint, or a red herring?

Hm. The muffins were thrown in there to make us think Derpy, the poster is in there to make us think Dashie, it can't be Flutters because that would be mean... Scootaloo with some weird coat-color-drain thingy? An OC? I know one thing, you're keeping us on our toes-- er, hooves. Nice chapter I enjoyed the Pinkie party.

A very good job of giving 'hints' without actually revealing... anything.

HNNNNNNGGGG, so ambiguous. I'm still betting on Derpy, though. Just because.

Ahhhh I can't wait to figure out who it is for sure!!!!! I have my ideas but I need to know._. Anyway I LOVE your story hopefully the pegasai brought in tomorrow will clear things up some what.

Suspecting Derpy, read the muffin part, it's ! then read the mention of Daring Do and the Wonderbolts and thought must be Dashie but then I remembered that mystery pony is gray, ergo: DERPY!

Another well written chapter, as always. Now I'm trying to keep an open mind about the possibilities but all of the clues and foreshadowing point to Derpy . Though you could probably throw a curve ball at us. Anyway keep up the great work.

"It's a muffin!"

me: IT'S DERPY!

Derpy. He says with his neck stuck out a mile. Why? You ask.

Pro.

Coat color.     Gray

Variety.           Pegasus

Known likes.   Muffins

Verbal clue.     "I just don't know what to do..."       ( I just don't know what went wrong.) ????????

Other indications   known to be involved in many crashes, could cause amnesia.

Con.

No mention of vision problems

OK. Neck stuck out, eyes closed, chop away.

“ For behold the tortoise, who makes no progress unless he sticks his neck out.”

>>10442641044264Nahhh its

>>10456781045678 "Verbal clue.     "I just don't know what to do..."       ( I just don't know what went wrong.) ????????"

:) Well spotted.

Can it be Ditzy with a grey mane?  She's blond.

Eyup. It's Derpy. The muffin completely gave it away.

I'm thinking Blossomforth. And I based my choice on absolutely no evidence

But seriously, you portray mystery pony's distress and confusion very well. I've enjoyed reading this so far and hope for a new chapter

Whoo, okay. Fourth chapter. I struggled with this way more than I think I should have, but I think it worked in the end. This is either the point where the story really gets interesting, or where it all falls apart and y'all get sick of it. I hope you enjoy reading!

Upvote, fave and comment if you like it! I'd love it if this made the feature box!

And now I'm thinking Flitter for some reason.

Dash was rather quick to use force against Twilight, though I wouldn't apreciate someone gagging me either. And Twilight shouldn't have reacted as she did but she does seem to be under a lot of stress.

Conclusion: great chapter, can't wait to read more

>>11143611114361

Wow... You read quickly. The third pegasus is Cloud KICKER, not Cloud Chaser.

That both confirmed my thoughts, and shot down one of my theories.

I was pretty sure it wasn't Ditzy/Derpy, being the main character has a grey mane.

But it also kills my very elaborate idea that it was Dash.  (Had a theory that using Spike instead of Dash for the Elements worked, and Discord was defeated before they could find Dash.  And yada yada.  Hadn't fully thought through that one.)

very good cant wait for the next

I'm still set on Derpy. Although I can't explain the grey mane, it seems it would have to be an important pony if it's Princess-level important. Perhaps she's been Discorded? Either way, there are barely any canon ponies with a grey mane and tail, much less one that's a pegasus with no cutie mark.

So, Derpy, OC character, or other pony that has for some inexplicable reason been drained of color and talent.

With the confirmation that it's not Dash, it's most likely going to be either an OC (I hope it isn't) or one of the random background ponies (Cloudchaser/kicker/maker/whatever) with Derpy being a remote possibility (you would think they would have brought in Dinky first [that is, if you're following fanon]). Thought it might be Spitfire, but upon careful review of the chapter have ruled that out due to the memory of being in the air during the tornado (which Spitfire was not). Nice use of red herrings so far, keeps me on my toes.

Two-four-nine is NOT an OC. She's one of the canon ponies that you all know very well. Just sayin'

While the spelling and grammar is certainly above-average in comparison to most, there is one major problem with this story so far. That being: I don't believe that the main character is in "total isolation". Why don't I believe this? Because she knows things. She knows a lot of things that should not and do not come naturally to a person (or in this case: a pony) who has been in isolation for, presumably, her entire life.

It starts almost immediately. The description (which I'll note does sound remarkably similar to the premise of White Box) states that the main character has no memories whatsoever of life outside of her cell. Just four walls. No windows. Nothing else. Yet the story begins with her dreaming about running around grassy fields with other (granted, faceless and nameless) ponies.

And boom. First question: how does she know what 'outside' is? Another: how does she know what 'grass' is? How does she understand the concept of 'friends'? The sound or feeling of 'wind' in her ears?

> "Sometimes I wonder if they're actually real or if it's just my mind's way of dealing with the isolation."

What is 'isolation', and how does one who is isolated understand that they are 'isolated' without a knowledge of others? The only thing outside of the cell she knows are "brown legs". As far as she's concerned, her cell is the world. Where would the thoughts of 'towns' and 'prison' and 'crimes' and 'days' come from? How does she know what a 'cutie mark' is, or that it signifies anything?

How does she know the "dark brown legs" are 'guards'? How would she know what a 'home' is and that those 'guards' must need to have them?

Sorry. I'm really rambling here... but do you get the point I'm trying to make? Total isolation is an incredibly difficult concept to capture, and I'm afraid that this needs some serious tightening up before it can really fall into it's own place as a story because you haven't really established your premise yet. And without a foundation, the rest of the story is sure to crumble along with it.

>>11368511136851

Read the second chapter.

Oh! Maybe you're reading it now? Posting your thoughts as you go along?

Thanks so much for the review though. If you could read through the rest of it and post your thoughts, I'd really appreciate it!

Okay. So she does have memories.

At the very least, I think you need to go back and re-write your description, because this isn't at all the story that you described. She has a name, a past, and memories. Lots of memories. They're just muddled. She has amnesia, yet you make it out as if she is some anomaly caused by a rift in space-time or something. It's a whole lot of dramatic build-up for a reveal like: "Oh, by the way, she has amnesia. That's why she can't remember things."

Edit: Also, there is still the issue of explaining the things that she does remember. Why can she not remember her name or anything about her past, but she still knows the names of various objects that she interacts with and things about the outside?

>>11440411144041

Okay, thanks. Maybe I should change the description? I'll have a go later when I think of something.

As for the remembering, I'm writing her with basic retrograde amnesia. I don't any reason why she should forget the names of everyday objects?

>>11478111147811

I would recommend that, yeah. If nothing else, it could potentially keep quite so many readers from instantly associating your story with White Box.

And actually, the type of damage you're writing about (complete loss of self and past) is generally indicative of a far more severe type of amnesia than a standard retrograde. Especially considering you've wiped their entire past down to a clean slate (amnesia would generally only affect a small portion of a person's memory, with more recent events that are closer to the time of the event that caused the amnesia being more likely to fade).

And I originally wrote out a massive ramble-fest about things to improve and what I would have done and blah blah blah. So I'll just tl;dr it. Basically, the first chapter to me seemed less like a build-up to an interesting twist, and more like a distraction from the story you're actually trying to write here. Take that as you will.

You have me sufficiently intrigued to desire more. I must know this pony. I have a few ideas, but none of them seem to fit 100 percent.

Wat.

I thought RD visited her last chapter.

I hove no words to explain my confus.

I thought RD visited...

AUTHOR! I NEED AN EXPLANATION IN THE NEXT CHAPTER, STAT!

Unless... Pinkie lied?

>>12577211257721 I have a feeling that was a illusion spell that Twilight used to make it look like Rainbow Dash.

Anyway.... Great job so far Pokey, I'm going to favorite the story and follow you right now!

Side note: Muffins..

>>12577611257761>>12577441257744>>12577211257721 I'm afraid not.

Image: http://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2011/9/25/47a4f018-0921-4f66-9140-0690e5448533.jpg

Ok, it is Derpy or RainbowDash, still.

Why wont Twilight just tell him real name, I know it is so that we who read it will need to quess, but come on, Twilight and PiniePie from the show would never hide a true name from pony they try to help just because doctor said that they should not, PinkiePie should break right away and tell her her name the moment she started to cry, there is no way Pinkie would ressist crying.

And I personaly see no sense in not telling true name to a person who lost memory, never hear of this rule too.

SO in chapter 4 RainbowDash talked to her, and now she is called RainbowDash, and yet she do not have her colors, hmmmmm.

Or discord made clone of RainbowDash and than used his magic to change her.

Or she is like shadow of rainbowDash ( persona 4 )

Or she is changeling who look like rainbowDash, or the other rainbowdash was changeling, or

ok, I got no more theories.

I quess it have somethink to do with discord.

i knew it..the visit must have been in her head..

Thanks for all the support guys! This might even make the feature box!

Hmm, lots of interesting theories in the comments section, hehehe.

WHAT WHAT I SOOOOOOOOOOOO CALLED THAT

Shit just got 20% realer.

Wait. What. DAFUQ?! AUTHOR, YOU GOT SOME SPLAININ TO DO!

>>999623999623

Totally called it.

>>12587541258754

You were totally guessing. How could you possibly have known?

>>12587681258768

Give me a moment to remember how I came to that conclusion, I'm still not convinced, though. Some version of RD was clearly in the last chapter, my guess now would be that some sort of magical accident split RD into two physical beings... or something.

>>12587681258768

>>12587801258780

I remember now, it was the Daring Do stuff. Anyway, as I said, you have something called 'Rainbow Dash' confront poor 'lil 2-4-9 earlier in the story and you've alluded to their having been some sort of mishap involving Twilight and possibly clouds, so I am left to presume that an accident - perhaps of the magical variety - has led to their being two of them. That, however, doesn't quite explain why everyone is treating Greybrow Dash like she's then "real" Rainbow Dash. So my 2nd place theory is that Twilight was using illusions, or perhaps actors, during visiting hours. That would explain why the Rainbow Dash you had visit acted in such a stereo-typical manner. Then again, so would a "physically split personality."

EDIT: Now I'm thinking about this too much, your only tag is "Romance," clearly there's more going on here.

"Rainbow Dash. Your name is Rainbow Dash."

!!!

CALLED IT! I BUCKING CALLED IT!!!

...Wut?

I'd really appreciate some critique, thoughts, insight or comments on the story itself. What do you think guys?

"She tells us about the Everfree Forest beyond, then Sweet Apple Acres, where our friend Applejack lives and works with her family."

You forgot a "s" :3

Nice story so far, it is nice to see something different, something where the whole story is not clear since the very first sentence^^

>>12592501259250 Well, I love it and have absolutely not a  single clue what's going on ^^ Respect!

Bu-But RD visited in the hospital!

OR, did they just lie to her?

If she was RD then Twilight Should be able to recognize her even without colors.

I'm a little surprised that nopony guessed her identity. I actually had to take out a few RD references during editing cuz I thought it'd give it away.

Don't worry, all will be revealed soon!

Right now, we have a plot hole big enough to drive a Galaxy-class starship through. Serious handwaving must be done to resolve this inconsistency.

Ways to resolve plot hole (in decreasing order of probability):

1) She's a clone.

2) Discord did it for teh lulz.

3) While performing a Sonic Rainboom, magic happened and split Dash into two beings.

3) She's actually Daring Do (released via magic accident) and they can't tell her because it would rip a hole in the universe.

4) Twilight botched a spell and caused an AU version of Dash to be teleported to their universe.

5) Retcon the previous chapter.

6) Holodeck Malfunction.

7) Technobabble (Ionized particles released by Discord's magic caused a quantum flux to occur with Dash's molecules)

8) She's a doombot.

>>12598771259877

*giggle*

There was a Wonderbolt at Hurricane Fluttershy.

Soarin. She can't be Soarin because he is a HE!

edit: it was not Soarin at Hurricane Fluttershy it was Spitfire oops

Noooooooo!

My Poor Poor Checklist! You were so well thought out and planned and written!

You will be missed.

....what.

....what.

....WHAT.

....WHAT.

I CAN'T EVEN.

RAINBOW IS SPY AUUUEAUAUGH

...or, Pinkie is dicking with the Main Character. In the next chapter: "Pinkie! That's a lie and you know it! She needs to find out her name on her own!"

wut?

Image: http://i1188.photobucket.com/albums/z416/Zanderpants13/GIF/Scanners-HeadExplode.gif

Chapter six is up! One more to go now.

I'm pleased with this. I got it all written up from scratch in record time.

Just a note, 249 has temporary short term memory retention problems, which is why she didn't remember any of the tests, and partly why she thinks that she was in the cell for months instead of days.

Wait, no!

This can't be the end!

*Sierra runs off to check if the story is completed*

>>12642671264267 Aww, only one more?