Humans. Nothing but myths. Legends. Lyra has come to terms with the fact that they don't exist and never did.
However, that's not to say they can't. Armed with insatiable curiosity and extremely stubborn tenacity, Lyra will finally achieve her dream - hopefully without alerting Celestia's numerous spies.
But why is Bon Bon acting so weird?
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Still fleshing out the story on this one. I'll edit the tags accordingly as more gets decided.
amusing... i shall track...
Interesting, this definitely has me captivated. I like the stream of consciousness te reader gets from Lyra's viewpoint, as it really helps to flesh out her character.
Hmm, interesting, a tad over used, but with Lyra human fics, that's okay!
I'll be keeping an eye on this.
I'll be tracking this to see if it amounts to anything.
Dat cliffhanger. Dun dun dun.
>Submit after midnight
>Wake up next morning to 30 notifications
I was not expecting that.
A story where a pony tries to create a living homunculus(artificial human).Interesting,I'll track this as I never thought there would be such a fan fic.
If you see any mistakes, errors, or possible improvements, please don't hesitate to point them out. This is a learning experience for me.
I don't really have any grammar advice to give and I don't really see any mistakes on my part. Anyway this story and idea is awesome and you should feel awesome my fellow living being.
Bon Bon!!!!!!!! Dun dun dunnnnnn
>>GaruuSpike
Science smells pretty minty....
BON BON MUST DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE
Interesting.
Keep up the good work.
Sorry about the wait. I didn't have this part fleshed out as much as I thought I did.
I'll make the usual request of pointing out any errors, but this time I will also ask to point out any jokes that aren't quite cutting it. This is meant to be comedy, after all.
EJdheirdiehirdd AUUUUFUFUFUFU
God this is hilarious. First person plus insanity is always fun to read. Poor Bon Bon.
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The only thing I could object to is the super effective joke. It feels kind of out of place. The tangent on winning and drugs was hilarious, though.
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Thanks for the feedback. I replaced the super effective joke. Maybe I'll use it later.
Can't wait for the part when they actually try to make the homunculus.
Man, I feel like I'm totally botching the pacing with this.
I know where I want the story to go, but every time I think about writing more, my brain locks up.
Also, sorry about the wait and please point out any errors.
Thanks!
1113117
Actually, that sounds like a fun premise. Maybe after my next story.
You know what? It pains me to see amazing fics like these not get the attention they deserve. I absolutely love the way you've characterized Lyra, with her over-active imagination and slight paranoia that Bon Bon is a spy. Plus, the first-person POV really helps flesh out her character, and makes Forgery that much funnier. I can't wait for more! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_dealwithit.png
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Thanks, I hadn't gotten my ego-stroking for this chapter until now.
Seriously, though, thanks. Every bit of praise and critique helps. I'm glad you like it.
I wonder if this is EqD material...
Hm...
Hello! This is the part where I
kill you!screw up the pacing even more!So, the few comments that bothered to say what they liked about the story said that the first-person perspective helps with fleshing out Lyra's character.
...would you guys believe me if I said I have no sense of characterization/character development?
Anyway, hope you enjoy, and as always, feel free to point out any errors/concerns.
Poor Lyra :(
Yes, yes I would believe you if you said that. Luckily, as you've demonstrated, being able to sense characterization isn't required to pull it off.
But Gasp! Real drama! And I don't think it could have been paced any better. Reaching a climax of insanity and using that to inject reality may not be original, but that's because it works.
I'm looking forward to seeing how the tone will shift from this point, and I've got faith that you'll be able to do it well.
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Thanks, it means a lot.
As for the tonal shift, don't worry. I still plan on having a good dose of silliness.
EDIT: Also, 'inject reality'? We are talking about a world full of talking, pastel horses, correct?
I just realized...I forgot to put a major plot point in...YOU SAW NOTHINGOh God, Lyra's now a war general.
But it all honestly, I would probably do the same thing if I were in Bon-Bon's position. Lyra's getting a just a little crazy at this point, and who knows what other shenanigans she's going to get herself into.
Lyra and Humie also remind me of Twilight and Smarty Pants. I think it's cute.
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Do you know anyone I could ask to make a picture of Lyra with her Sugar Shot 9001? I think it'd make an excellent cover picture.
1224207 Hahaha no. I would volunteer, but oh wait! I can't draw...
So much improv...
Unless otherwise inferred, count each paragraph as a separate train of thought. I'm weird like that.
Should I have handled the 'flashback' bits differently? It looks a little choppy, currently...
I'm going to bump the rating to Teen. It wasn't in the original plan, but with this chapter...
So, in addition to asking you to point out grammar/spelling errors, this time, I'm going to ask you a more complex question.
-Since I have almost no idea what I'm doing, I wanna know: Were there any points where you could try to predict what was going to happen? Did you ever get a prediction in your head, only for something else to happen? If so, where?
Do you think Vinyl, Octy, or even Twilight deserve to be added to the character tags? I did say I'd change the tags as more got decided. That, and I'm trying to get a feel for the line between 'side character' and 'major character'.
Longer chapter, longer author's comment. Cool. Anyway, again, thanks for reading, and I'd love to hear your thoughts!
1379440 I don't about other readers, but I was easily able to follow Lyra's "Stream of Consciousness" so to speak. Yeah, it is a little choppy, but in my opinion I think it works out for the best. With the page breaks, I can tell the difference between the past and the present.
I didn't see any obvious grammar/spelling mistakes, but that's probably because I read this right after I woke up, so I'm still a bit drowsy.
The character tags are used for the main characters. If they're going to make constant appearances, then yes, add their tags. If you're planning on having Lyra stay at Vinyl and Octavia's for an extended amount of time, then it's inevitable that they'll be constantly seen. So yeah, in that case add their tags, otherwise, don't. Twilight is more of a side character. She's there, but she's not in the foreground. It feels like she's just kind of off to the side, minding her own business until Lyra's shenanigans bring her to Twilight's doorstep.
It's a shame this doesn't have the attention it deserves. Keep writing, please. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_dealwithit.png
1379635
You flatter me.
MOAR!
1379440
I also followed it pretty well. Found a small spelling error though.
1380457
Fixed, and thank you.
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Silly, that would be spoiling it!
I wanna see a human already!
Here's a little not-quite-sort-of-chapter for you. I wanted to add this scene, but couldn't do it while sticking to the first-person(pony?) perspective.
And honestly, this story is chock full of experimentation on my part so far, anyway. What's a little perspective-changing?
I also wanted to work on implications a bit since, apparently, I failed to get across that in the first chapter, Lyra's 'stares' she was getting were from the clown mask she was wearing through town. I still have room to improve, after all.
As always, feel free to list any errors/concerns.
Dubwasher is BEST washer!
"Mangia"?
Italian huh?
1457690
Yes, it is an Italian word.
Or were you implying something else?
>implying you know Italian.
1462008
Nah, just an Italian know-it-all grandmother. You tend to pick up a few things.
1462575 Eh si, hai proprio ragione...
1463173
And so is the FoxLingo addon.
Why are these emoticons so fun!? Why can't I use them else where?
1544228
Her fear was that Twilight could have Bon Bon send a letter using Spike. Twilight herself promised not to tell.
As for the emoticon thing, I agree. We should be able to use them everywhere, no? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Rainbow_Dash.png
I can only think of Jessie Nowack's voice for Vinyl. It would have been slightly funnier if Vinyl and Octavia weren't a couple and Vinyl shouted her threesome line anyway.
Facehoof, when facepalm just won't do it.
Funny stuff man, keep it up!
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Compared to when?
Also, I'm hoping to get something in over Christmas break. School's kicking my ass right now.